If you knew about a cheater

AmoroAgain

Would you tell?  Say your friend's SO is cheating and you know it , and can prove it.  Would you tell?

(sparked by the KPS about this)

Stackeye210

I can't see the poll.  But if I could prove it then yes I definitely would.  I'd also drop it afterwards though and let them make their own decision with how to handle it. 

Brie2010

I wouldn't, unless she told me she was suspicious of it OR they were starting to TTC/there was some other extenuating circumstance.

For all I know, they have an open marriage/are swingers, so...

danieliza1127

If I knew she would believe me, yes I would definitely tell. It would be so hard but I couldn't live with myself if I knew and didn't tell her.

sarah0725

I would. I've been cheated on by two previous boyfriends, and the thing that hurt the most was that lots of people knew but didn't tell me. One of them actually did something really unsavory to a girl at a party, and lots of people started being really hostile to me but nobody explained why or told me what happened. I still don't see a lot of those people the same way.

waltzingmatilda13

I wouldn't tell the person being cheated on. I would tell the cheater that I knew and could prove it and threaten to tell their better half if they didn't fess up. But I wouldn't want to be the one to drop that bomb.

MissLeahM

If it was my best friend, yes for sure. If it was a casual friend, no. If it was a friend I see often but I'm not super close, probably not, I would encourage her/him to find someone else though.

akhensley81

I would. Because if I were in those shoes... I would hope someone would tell me.

FutureMrsTR

If it was a really good friend who would believe me (or not get mad if I was mistaken), then yes.  An acquaintance who would just get pissed at me?  No.

georgia_bride09

If it were one of my closest friends, I would feel obligated to tell her (or him) if there was concrete proof for her (or his) safety, more than anything. I'd hate for the SO's infidelity to lead to STDs, etc. Plus, I would want a certain core group of my friends to watch out for me in the same way. That's pretty much what friends are for.

ohwhynot

I can't answer because I honestly don't know what I'd do. I'm trying to imagine my best friends' SOs cheating, and it's hard to imagine.  I'm also very very good friends with the SOs, so I'd probably try to talk them into confessing instead of going to the cheated-on spouse and spilling.  I don't know. 

If any of the people I have in mind were cheating, something serious and sad would be going on with their lives - none are the type who'd cheat just for the sexual thrill or just because they don't care. 

stellabbella129

I think if I got involved at all I would confront the cheater first with my evidence and ask them to tell their SO. I would hope that I could convince them to come clean and then be there as the support for my friend.

If they refused to come clean or the cheater was not honest about exactly what they did I would clear things up with my friend, but being that it's not my relationship I would do everything in my power to encourage it to stay between the two of them.

LesPaul

Probably not - it would depend on the circumstances.  The truth will come out eventually, anyway, whether I told the person or not.

salt78

If it's a good friend of mine, hell yes I would tell her and then I'd kick him in his stupid cheater kneecaps. 

georgia_bride09

Also, if 13 people know (KPS), then you know they're talking about it and thinking she's an idiot, and I would never let a close friend be played like that.

mef1183

I was cheated on and totally clueless, but ALL of my friends knew, and no one told me.  Incredibly embarrassed when I did find out, I wish someone had given me a heads-up.

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_knew-cheater?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:301bf75d-2e58-4d08-8cba-b748edadb1bdPost:7d6aa29c-12fb-47ea-9d9a-5973f1f77c94">Re: If you knew about a cheater</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't tell the person being cheated on. I would tell the cheater that I knew and could prove it and threaten to tell their better half if they didn't fess up. But I wouldn't want to be the one to drop that bomb.
Posted by waltzingmatilda13[/QUOTE]

I like this answer.  This is probably the approach I'd take. 

danieliza1127

The thing about confronting the cheater that worries me is that if he's willing to lie and cheat on his wife, who knows what he'll do after he's confronted.  He might lie to her about YOU and then she wouldn't believe you even if you did finally go to her and tell.

If it was my best friend, I wouldn't go to him first.  He doesn't deserve a chance to be honest.  I would tell her.

LauraT25

I've been in this situation twice, and I confronted the cheater and told them that they needed to come clean or I'd do it for them.  One of those times, I did wind up having to tell my friend.

If I was close to the cheater but not to the person getting cheated on, I would probably encourage the person to come clean but may not get further involved than that.  I know that's kind of a hypocritical stance - it sucks getting cheated on and I know that I would have preferred to know, even if a stranger told me, but it's hard getting involved in something like that.

shellydiane820

Depends on the friend, in all honesty.  Most likely, yes I would tell.  God that would suck, though.

Kristin&eric

I would tel if they didn't believe me then i would tell them not to come crying to me when she finds out. I dont have the patients for that!!

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_knew-cheater?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:301bf75d-2e58-4d08-8cba-b748edadb1bdPost:9f1f2f83-4e83-4781-9b46-e6f787c78d10">Re: If you knew about a cheater</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>The thing about confronting the cheater that worries me is that if he's willing to lie and cheat on his wife, who knows what he'll do after he's confronted.  He might lie to her about YOU and then she wouldn't believe you even if you did finally go to her and tell.</strong> If it was my best friend, I wouldn't go to him first.  He doesn't deserve a chance to be honest.  I would tell her.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

I see that. I've never been in this situation before, so that's just what I like to think I would do. I would hope that my friend would understand that I didn't want to be persecuted just for being the messenger and that's why I didn't come to her first.

kellyjellybelly

I would tell, no question.  I would hope my good friends would do the same for me, I can't imagine finding out that 1. my SO was cheating on me and then 2.  people knew about it and no one told me.  

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_knew-cheater?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:301bf75d-2e58-4d08-8cba-b748edadb1bdPost:9f1f2f83-4e83-4781-9b46-e6f787c78d10">Re: If you knew about a cheater</a>:
[QUOTE]The thing about confronting the cheater that worries me is that if he's willing to lie and cheat on his wife, who knows what he'll do after he's confronted.  He might lie to her about YOU and then she wouldn't believe you even if you did finally go to her and tell. If it was my best friend, I wouldn't go to him first.  He doesn't deserve a chance to be honest.  I would tell her.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  You have no idea what he'd do to make you the less trustworthy one.  But yeah, I'd definitely tell.  It's the suck when everyone knows except you.

damaless

What if your friend was the one cheating on her/his SO?

Brie2010

Part of my hesitation is that I think a lot of women can be really paranoid and will jump to conclusions quickly.  I'd have to have absolutely rock-solid evidence to confront anyone about anything.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_knew-cheater?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:301bf75d-2e58-4d08-8cba-b748edadb1bdPost:8de76bb3-ba91-4620-a205-69e9bcf9229f">Re: If you knew about a cheater</a>:
[QUOTE]What if your friend was the one cheating on her/his SO?
Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]

I would talk to her about how crazy she is being and encourage her to either stop the affair or just go ahead and break it off with her SO.  If I really couldn't support what she was doing, I would either pull away from her or tell him or both.  It would really depend on my relationship with her and my relationship with him.

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_knew-cheater?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:301bf75d-2e58-4d08-8cba-b748edadb1bdPost:8de76bb3-ba91-4620-a205-69e9bcf9229f">Re: If you knew about a cheater</a>:
[QUOTE]What if your friend was the one cheating on her/his SO?
Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]
I'd do my best to have them stop the affair and be honest, or break off their relationship. 

[Deleted User]

If I could prove it, then yes, for a close friend. Some girl I barely know at work, probably not. If I knew the person cheating, then I would probably first tell them I knew so they could admit to it, but if they refused then I would tell. I abse that on the fact that I would want to know, and that I would be worried about my friend catching an STD (this happened to a friend of my mom's and now she's stuck with it for the rest of her life).

If my friend were the one cheating, I wouldn't be her friend. I can't support that kind of behavior and would let her know it.

georgia_bride09

[QUOTE]I would tel if they didn't believe me then i would tell them not to come crying to me when she finds out. I dont have the patients for that!!
Posted by Kristin&eric[/QUOTE]

"Patients" is a virtue.

LauraT25

It definitely can happen that the cheater turns it on you and makes you look like the bad guy.  I made the decision that I would rather risk losing the friendship than live with myself if I didn't tell my best friend that his girlfriend was cheating on him.  I was sick to my stomach whenever I was around either cheating couple, it felt like I was lying all the time.  And yes, in one case the girl made up all sorts of crap but I just ignored it and kept my distance and eventually my friend believed me - like most people who get cheated on, he already had his suspicions.