How do I avoid the inevitable drama?? 2 parts! Please read entire post!

SMCowles2013

PART 1:
My best friend from HS and I are both getting married in the next year. We of course asked each other to be in our respective weddings, but I chose another close friend as my MOH because we live in different areas/states. When she got engaged a couple of months after me, she asked if I wouldn't her choosing another friend as her own MOH. My stance was "her wedding, her choice". Not a huge deal!  However, she has constantly been calling me to complain about her MOH, and also asking my opinion on things that I feel should be between her and her future husband (his attire, his groomsman's attire, their invites, save-the-dates, their wedding location, and even the DATE of their event!). They even went ahead and pushed up their wedding date to accomodate a *possible* job for her future husband. Unfortunately, this put her wedding the day after my finals in school and I had to make the hard choice to remove myself from her bridal party. I felt horrible about this, but I really had no other choice as her wedding is in another state and i cannot to commit to the level she is asking of her brisdesmaids (everyone there from Wednesday-Sunday; when the wedding is on Saturday). Her response was cordial and understanding, but then she called back the next day to ask,"well can't you just take your finals early or skip them altogether so you can still be in my wedding?"
HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT KIND OF LACK OF UNDERSTANDING?? I mean, they moved their wedding up by more than 2 months. They can't possibly expect there to not have some conflicts arise in doing so..

Part 2:
My fiancee and I are starting up a small photography business and we will be providing her wedding photography for her (FOR FREE!).We are still providing this for them even though I can't be in the bridal party because their budget is small (next to nothing) and I don't want to leave them in the lurch. However, when we went up to visit them to take their engagement photos both her and her fiancee used some language that made both me and my fiancee VERY VERY UNCOMFORTABLE (gay slurs, racial comments, etc.). Her fiancee was very understanding when I asked him to please watch his language (since we were in my car), but she just continued to the point that I was ready to make the 9.5-10 hour drive home right then and there! After we returned home, and had a long conversation we decided that it would probably be best to not have her in our wedding party since we do have 3 other members of our bridal party (1 on my side, and 2 on his) who are either gay or have a family member (sibling or parent) who is gay. Both my friend and her fiancee have expressed that they feel people who are gay "try to convince you to be gay too". We don't want to exclude them from attending our wedding, but we both feel it would probably be best if she were not in our bridal party..
HOW DO I START THAT CONVERSATION? OR HOW DO I EXPLAIN THAT TO HER WITHOUT THROWING AWAY A 10 YEAR FRIENDSHIP??

I'm honestly sick over this whole situation, but I don't know how to handle it in a way that emotions won't run high and take over... HELP!!!

aragx6

If you ask her not to be in your wedding anymore there WILL be drama; that's just a fact. Your friendship will certainly be changed and possibly ended if you do this.

That said, she doesn't sound like someone I'd want as a friend and I think you're doing the right thing.

pkontk

Part 1: You are right, your friend needs to be more understanding of your academic work.  She really would not "allow" you to just fly in after your final exams?  That's pretty crappy on her part.

Part 2: Maybe you could talk about it before removing them from the wedding (since, as you metion, it will end the friendship.)  Say something like "We really can't wait to have you there on our wedding day, but the comments you made during the e-pics are very concerning.  Perhaps you thought they were ok to say since it was just the four of us, but we can assure you they were offensive to us and will be offensive to our friends and family.  We have very dear gay friends and talking like that is unacceptable in public."

HandBanana

I would still do the photography for the wedding to avoid any issues with your future business. As far as the friendship, I would probably cut this toxic person from my life. I think you are the company you keep and you obviously do not agree with them on some fundamental human rights.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-avoid-the-inevitable-drama-2-parts-please-read-entire-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3024027c-425c-47a0-9ad5-1af57952e0ffPost:a6b81ccd-3e72-40a3-8725-6b13eba25679">Re: How do I avoid the inevitable drama?? 2 parts! Please read entire post!</a>:
[QUOTE]Part 1: You are right, your friend needs to be more understanding of your academic work.  She really would not "allow" you to just fly in after your final exams?  That's pretty crappy on her part. Part 2: Maybe you could talk about it before removing them from the wedding (since, as you metion, it will end the friendship.)  Say something like "We really can't wait to have you there on our wedding day, but the comments you made during the e-pics are very concerning.  Perhaps you thought they were ok to say since it was just the four of us, but we can assure you they were offensive to us and will be offensive to our friends and family.  We have very dear gay friends and <strong>talking like that is unacceptable in public</strong>."
Posted by pkontk[/QUOTE]

I would remove the "in public" from that sentence.  Hate speech like is unacceptable. Period. 

If you think her and her fiance are open to dialogue about how their hateful comments were inappropriate and hurtful, and this could be "teaching moment", then go ahead and have it.  But, honestly, this isn't a "don't say that in front of my friends" conversation... it is a "hey, I wanted to have a conversation with you about the racist and homophobic comments you made...  and why they are offensive and hateful".

jmayinc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-avoid-the-inevitable-drama-2-parts-please-read-entire-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3024027c-425c-47a0-9ad5-1af57952e0ffPost:55fb0c55-2888-4ede-9186-4fd21e667d63">Re: How do I avoid the inevitable drama?? 2 parts! Please read entire post!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do I avoid the inevitable drama?? 2 parts! Please read entire post! : I would remove the "in public" from that sentence.  Hate speech like is unacceptable. Period.  If you think her and her fiance are open to dialogue about how their hateful comments were inappropriate and hurtful, and this could be "teaching moment", then go ahead and have it.  But, honestly, this isn't a "don't say that in front of my friends" conversation... it is a "hey, I wanted to have a conversation with you about the racist and homophobic comments you made...  and why they are offensive and hateful".
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

This and the addition lol Talk to her about how/why her comments were offensive (even though she should already know) before removing her. But if they are not open to dialogue and wanna spew their hate all over your wedding day....I agree with others, doesn't sound like company you'd want to keep.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-avoid-the-inevitable-drama-2-parts-please-read-entire-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3024027c-425c-47a0-9ad5-1af57952e0ffPost:5335beeb-47b6-49e9-b2d2-7ee5db19a581">Re:How do I avoid the inevitable drama?? 2 parts! Please read entire post!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would still do the photography for the wedding to avoid any issues with your future business. As far as the friendship, I would probably cut this toxic person from my life. I think you are the company you keep and you obviously do not agree with them on some fundamental human rights.
Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Disagree. It's only by intermingling with people who disagree with us and have differing viewpoints that we are able to change people or help them see things from another angle. If we segregate ourselves off from them and refuse to interact with "ignorant" people, how are we to expect them to change? We are no better than they are, because we are just as repulsed by people different from us. Just. Sayin'.</div><div>
</div><div>I think you should try to talk to her about how the things she and her fiance said rubbed you the wrong way. Even if she has a right to voice opinions, tell her you strongly, passionately disagree with her racist, homophobic remarks, and it tremendously disappoints you that she feels that way. Explain where you are coming from (that you have friends and family who are very diverse and whom you love dearly), and that if she cannot celebrate with them at your wedding without feeling resentment and judgment toward them, then perhaps it is best that she not stand up with you.
</div><div>
</div><div>Edited for clarity. Ish.</div>

willywally5

She is totally wrong for thinking you should/could skip your finals. Very, VERY wrong. Especially when they changed their wedding date. 

I would still do the photography. And have a little discussion with them telling them about how offensive you find their slurs, etc. 

willywally5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-i-avoid-the-inevitable-drama-2-parts-please-read-entire-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3024027c-425c-47a0-9ad5-1af57952e0ffPost:4b6760d3-6162-49a8-8844-9172d297918b">Re: How do I avoid the inevitable drama?? 2 parts! Please read entire post!</a>:
[QUOTE]She's fucking gross.  I would cut her off as a friend immediately.  ETA: <strong>Tell her that being gay isn't contagious, but being an asshole could be and you don't want to catch it from her.</strong>
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I love this!</div>

tpender13

She's being ridiculous in thinking that you should skip your finals. Wow...

I sometimes get sad when I'm feeling nostalgic and thinking about old friends who I've lost touch with, and old times. But then I realize how our lives all change, and that's okay -- you can't go back, KWIM? Point being, maybe you've had some good times with this friend in the past, but maybe it's time for your friendship to dwindle away. The anti-gay stuff would be reason enough for me to not want to be friends with this person any more.

chelseamb11

She sounds like a horrible, very entitled person.
I would also not do the photography.  It sounds like you're teetering on the friendship as it is.  I'd hate to see her come back (after you've done the photos) and getting all upset at you.  Don't mix friendship and business. 

mandi921vh

Honestly just based on the gay comments, I wouldn't want to be her friend and wouldn't think twice about ending my friendship with her. Why are you still even friends with her? 

NeedWeddingFavors

Part 1 - I think that everyone is entitled to ask, it is your responsibility to say, "Hell no!" (to skipping finals for her wedding) Of course in reality you find another way to say it, but no argument, just plain and simple, "You asked, and I say I can't do that." Don't get into a discussion about how she moved the date, etc. just say no.

Part 2 - This is a tough one. I agree that you shouldn't want to be friends with her after what she said and how she is behaving, but I see this as a business relationship at this point. You have offered to take the photos, and it is your business. Think of how you would deal with a customer who made these comments. The way I would counteract this, is to state (when appropriate), your views on this situation. You can't change anyone, but that doesn't mean you have to stand by while they spew hate. They may reconsider talking this way around you once they realize that you don't agree with them.

amorg334

Wow she sounds really rude.  Being gay is a part of people lives and if they can not or refuse to understand this they are going to have a rude awakening. 

SVPW

In Response to Re:How do I avoid the inevitable drama?? 2 parts! Please read entire post!:[QUOTE]She's fucking gross.nbsp; I would cut her off as a friend immediately.nbsp;ETA: Tell her that being gay isn't contagious, but being an asshole could be and you don't want to catch it from her. Posted
by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]


Exactly this! Why even be friends with people like that?