Unequal Parent Contributions.....

goetzr19

I'm not sure if I hace this post in the right place, but its the closest to where I think it should go.  Here's the deal:

When my FI and I got engaged, my parents said they would buy my dress (after I found my dream one, at only $400) and give $1000 towards our photographer.  I told my FI that I would like both sets of parents to contribute the same amount of money, so there were no angry or hurt feelings from either side. 

He talked to his mother the other day, and she said they would be giving us $2500 for the wedding.  Keep in mind, that his parents are older (in their mid 50's) whereas mine are younger (low 40's).  So, his parents have no mortgage, no car payments, and no children left at home.  My parents, however, have a mortgage, car payments, and a six year old daughter to raise.

I understand it is their choice to gift us what they want, but I am worried about either side finding out what the other paid.  I don't want his parents to think mine were cheap, and I don't want my parents to feel as if they didn't contribute enough.  My FI thinks my parents will be able to pitch in another $1000 by the time wedding (May 2011), but my father is self-employed as a single person construction company owner, and is therefore semi-"unemployed" during the winter months.

What do I do if the topic is brought up by either side?  Maybe I'm paranoid, but I would rather be prepared than to hurt someone's feelings.  Please help!!

btrflykate1230

Just don't tell your parents how much your FI's parents contributed. It's not something you need to discuss with them.

tlv204

It's none of their business. I can't believe you actually said this: I told my FI that I would like both sets of parents to contribute the same amount of money, so there were no angry or hurt feelings from either side. That's ridiculous. You get no say who gives what money, AT ALL. Just don't discuss it, it's none of their business what they other parents gave. What do you think happens in weddings where the bride's family pays for the whole thing? There's mass chaos and war between families? It doesn't matter who gives what. And I still can't get over the fact that you think you have any say in who gives what. So presumptuous.

Calypso1977

no one should be discussing who gave what.  if anyone asks, they are being really rude, and no one is obligated to provide any answers.

aMrsin09

It's nobodys business what the others pay.  If it is brought up, they are being rude and you should just suggest they try the bean dip.

It was also rude for you to ask/expect his parents to contribute an equal amount.  You should have waited for them to offer, and if they didn't, plan a wedding without it.

betrothed123

It's no one's business how much someone else gave you as a gift.  If it comes up you tell whoever brought it up that it's rude to ask about finances, and you change the subject.  the only way one set of parents will find out what the other set gave is if you tell them, so don't tell them.

samurai21

If either topic is brought up then you say that it's something personal that you wish to keep between you and your parents/you and his parents.

Plus, you can't really tell them they need to contribute more to be even, they contribute what they want to contribute, If you're that uncomfortable with FI's parents giving more, then you can just decline it.

And I hope that adults know better than to squabble over who gave more. That seems childish at best.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unequal-parent-contributions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:304274bd-7324-4f74-94d3-258185169921Post:a0ba3e26-d53c-41fc-9baf-5ee5d4f312c4">Unequal Parent Contributions.....</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure if I hace this post in the right place, but its the closest to where I think it should go.  Here's the deal: When my FI and I got engaged, my parents said they would buy my dress (after I found my dream one, at only $400) and give $1000 towards our photographer.  I told my FI that I would like both sets of parents to contribute the same amount of money, so there were no angry or hurt feelings from either side.  He talked to his mother the other day, and she said they would be giving us $2500 for the wedding.  Keep in mind, that his parents are older (in their mid 50's) whereas mine are younger (low 40's).  So, his parents have no mortgage, no car payments, and no children left at home.  My parents, however, have a mortgage, car payments, and a six year old daughter to raise. I understand it is their choice to gift us what they want, but I am worried about either side finding out what the other paid.  I don't want his parents to think mine were cheap, and I don't want my parents to feel as if they didn't contribute enough.  My FI thinks my parents will be able to pitch in another $1000 by the time wedding (May 2011), but my father is self-employed as a single person construction company owner, and is therefore semi-"unemployed" during the winter months. What do I do if the topic is brought up by either side?  Maybe I'm paranoid, but I would rather be prepared than to hurt someone's feelings.  Please help!!
Posted by goetzr19[/QUOTE]

You ABSOLUTELY asked this is the right place.

It's not your place to tell other people how to spend their money.  It's also not anyone else's business to know what other people are contributing to your wedding. 

If someone asks, simply tell them that it's none of their business.

Also, make sure that you plan the wedding that you and FI can afford on your own.  It may be your parents/IL's intent to help you with the wedding, but don't count on it until you have cash in hand.  So much can happen between now and the time to pay the bills, and we see all too frequently what happens to brides who booked vendors based on promises of money that went unfulfilled.

LesPaul

You shouldn't be asking either set of parents for money.  And if either side generously offers to help, accept it graciously and keep the amount private.  Keeping score really isn't a good idea, and you shoud be paying for your own wedding anyway.

danieliza1127

I think you are being paranoid.  I'm sure neither set of parents would judge the other for how much they give you for your wedding.  They don't have to give you anything at all, so anything they do give is a generous gift and should be treated as such.

Lyss5782

We have three sets of parents (FI's are divorced) and the contributions are nowhere NEAR equal.  It's fine.  We set a budget for what WE are comfortable paying, and then gratefully accepted what our parents gave us.  No one has to know who paid for what.

alewpanda

There is no reason to expect equal amounts out of either parents.....each set will be willing and able to give a different amount.  If his parents are understanding individuals, they will not look down on your parents for their contribution.  If your parents feel bad about it, assure them that it isn't the money that matters, it is the contribution that they have investing in YOU all these years.  I don't know the exact numbers that either side of my family is contributing, but based on income and status, its NOT going to be anywhere near the same.  Don't worry so much about it...and show each side the same love.

Stackeye210

Your parents, and his parents are giving you a gift.  It's wrong of your FI to think your parents need to match the gift given by his parents......and it's wrong of any of you to discuss with either party what the other party has given. 

Talk with your FI and tell him that you should both appreciate their generosity, and that it is not a competition, or reason for anyone to get upset, and/or feel "not as good" because they didn't give as much.

My H's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner, but my mom didn't have money to contribute so she helped me endlessly with DIY project.  H and I did not expect anyone to do anything though and budgeted a wedding that we ourselves could afford.  We appreciated any and all help that we got. 

Good luck.

baystateapple

FI and I are hosting the wedding ourselves and paying for the majority of it ourselves.  My parents and his mother each volunteered a little money to chip in here and there (my parents are paying for the bar, his mother paid for our DJ, etc.), but neither of them know what the other family contributed, and for the matter, neither has asked.  Just don't volunteer that information, and if one parent or another asks, just (politely) say, "I'm sorry, the money was a gift from my/his parents, and I'd prefer not to say how much it was."  They shouldn't be asking you anyway.  That's just rude.

karbar42

Why would you expect that two families in very different financial situations (as you pointed out) would "have" to give equal gifts?  Your parents gave you a gift of what they felt they could afford, and his parents gave you a gift of what they felt they could afford. I would definitely NOT tell your parents they need to catch up, that would just make you look ungrateful for what they were able to give you.  Be grateful for the gifts you were given, and if someone rudely asks how much someone contributed simply say "My aren't we nosey" and change the subject.

squirrly

If anyone asks you what someone contributed to your wedding, you say, "A generous gift."  That's it.  Don't give numbers out at all, for any reason. 

september's bride

My parents and DH's parents both contributed. Both sets of parents contributed vastly different amounts, and neither one knows how much the other gave us. You don't discuss things like income, payments and monetary gifts - it's gauche. As long as you don't discuss it with anyone, nobody will know who gave you what.

melissamc2

The fact that there is even a comparison of funds doesn't sit well with me, much less a "decision" that there should be "equal" contributions. 

psichick

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unequal-parent-contributions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:304274bd-7324-4f74-94d3-258185169921Post:7d6d68cb-56cd-498a-acd5-c1df43c4dfc2">Re: Unequal Parent Contributions.....</a>:
[QUOTE]The fact that there is even a comparison of funds doesn't sit well with me, much less a "decision" that there should be "equal" contributions. 
Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]

i agree. it also worries me that her parents are only in their 40's and there's a 6 year old at home still. makes me think that  young and this is only the first way that the immaturity that goes with that is coming out..........

AlmostSt.Laurent

I'm with PP's... anyone brings it up, put a smile on, say a "generous gift", and change the subject.  My family is paying for the wedding because they want to, and FI's family gave us an ultimatum of paying for our honeymoon to wherever we wanted or giving us money for future investments.  We took the money, and my parents know that, but they will never EVER know how much.  Just be grateful; I doubt it will be brought up 

goetzr19

Why should it worry you that my parents are in their 40s?  I am 23, and my sister came along as an unexpected child.  I don't find that my age, nor my parents age qualifies as "immaturity" in any manner.

Thank you to all who gave me wise advice on how to respond to someone who asks....I wasn't sure how to "word" my response if it came up.  And to clarify, neither my FI or I "asked" for money.  Both parents offered money, but I just thought that since I knew his parents would contribute more money than mine would be able to, we could go about it a different way.