Uninvited guests?

erin7264

I'm not sure there is really anything I can do, but here goes anway.

FI has a couple friends that weren't invited to the wedding, for whatever reason. I've seen them chattering on facebook about the wedding, most recently posted on his page that they "need the details" for the wedding so they can come. I've asked him about it, and he's choosing to just ignore it because he thinks it will hurt feelings to actually tell people they weren't invited. Invitations are out, RSVP's were due weeks ago, the numbers have been given to the caterer and baker, seating arrangements made, the wedding is in less than 3 days.... yet these people are still asking when and where it is. And other people that ARE attending are giving them the details! *headdesk*

I know FI *should* say something to these people, but he refuses to. And I don't know any of them well enough for it to not come off as a total B!tch if I said something. Should I just smile and thank them for showing up uninvited...? There aren't too many of them, maybe a handful. One in particular I've told him I do not want attending - she's been rude to me in the past, when she actually acknowledges my presence, though for the most part she likes to just pretend I don't exist. Not someone I want at my wedding. 

 WWYD?

Simply Fated

That's so bizarre that they didn't take not getting an invitation as a hint.
Honestly, you might want to give the caterers a heads up that there might be some extras people. They can set up a few chairs with extra settings somewhere off in the corner for those without tables seatings.

Your FI absolutely should have said something, but it might be too late. I honestly am not even sure what to say... invitations are the norm in your circle, right?
Was it one of those things where 1 person asked about it then someone else was, like, "Oh, good, it's not just me whose invitation must have gotten lost in the mail..."

Mrs.B6302007

I would ask FI to man up and respond to them with the "We couldn't invite everyone we wanted to and we've already given our final head count to the caterer. I'm sure you understand." line.  They need to be told pretty directly that they are not expected.

Winnertag1

I would be on FI to tell them - let him know that headcounts are in etc, and that it would be very embarassing for them to show up & not be found on any seating placements. Also mention that caterers charge more for extra heads once the final head count is in. 

krose83013

I would stand my ground. We were just in a wedding this past weekend and the bride had people decide not to show up so some friends told their friends and they showed up thinking it was okay since a few people weren't able to make it.

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-guests-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3076cd24-59f8-415e-bb9d-885303418e28Post:c5db8c7d-6fd2-439b-baa3-39f31b699090">Re: Uninvited guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would ask FI to man up and respond to them with the "We couldn't invite everyone we wanted to and we've already given our final head count to the caterer. I'm sure you understand." line.  They need to be told pretty directly that they are not expected.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this.  Obviously they aren't picking up the hint that since they did not receive an invitation, they are not invited.  Your FI needs to call them and let them know they are not invited.  Or hell, since this is all happening on FB, I'd actually be ok with a private message going to them, each indidividually.  Also, I'd delete their comments from the FB wall so other people don't give them the details.</div>

kmmssg

I would ask FI which is worse: Tell them they aren't invited and risk "hurting their feelings" or... wait til they show up and there is no meal and place at a table for them and they are mortifyingly embarrassed. He needs to man up here and deal with this. By sticking his head in the ground now and not handling it he is setting these people up for an very awkward and embarrassing situation. Not cool.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-guests-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3076cd24-59f8-415e-bb9d-885303418e28Post:072c08d9-3682-4926-bf65-09a63d51670d">Re: Uninvited guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would ask FI which is worse: Tell them they aren't invited and risk "hurting their feelings" or... wait til they show up and there is no meal and place at a table for them and they are mortifyingly embarrassed. He needs to man up here and deal with this. By sticking his head in the ground now and not handling it he is setting these people up for an very awkward and embarrassing situation. Not cool.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

I agree with this!

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-guests-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3076cd24-59f8-415e-bb9d-885303418e28Post:c5db8c7d-6fd2-439b-baa3-39f31b699090">Re: Uninvited guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would ask FI to man up and respond to them with the "We couldn't invite everyone we wanted to and we've already given our final head count to the caterer. I'm sure you understand." line.  They need to be told pretty directly that they are not expected.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

This.  Especially since other people are responding to their fb post with details.  Have FI delete the entry and then private message the people with the above.

willywally5

Absolutely delete what these dipsh!ts put on FI's FB wall. (You are under no obligation keep things on your wall just because a 'friend' posted them there!)

And get FI to call or message them. Because they will be even more upset if they show up and are embarrassed. That is a double whammy of hurt when just being told they aren't invited would be a single. 

Gah, who acts like this? People have no social graces anymore. (And yes, I realize that makes me sound about 80 years old!)

aurianna

People are so weird. I think the world must just revolve around some people for them to think that "oh of course I'm invited!"

Just a sanity check though... of the people that are acting like they are expecting to be invited, do either of these apply:
-They are significant-others of people who are invited to the wedding
-They were invited to any pre-wedding events (engagement party, showers, bach parties, etc)

If either of those are the case then it makes sense that they'd expect to be invited. Apologize profusely for not sending an invite and make room.

In the more likely event that those are NOT the case... definitely delete any public FB comments. Have FI message them (though I think calling them would be more personal and respectful if they're close) and explain the misunderstanding... and as PPs have said, perhaps make sure the caterer has a few extra dishes up their sleaves just in case.

Also, no idea if you or FI post a lot about the wedding on FB... but I'd definitely stop that completely as to avoid anymore confusion.

lb1212

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-guests-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3076cd24-59f8-415e-bb9d-885303418e28Post:d444999b-6043-4b6c-906d-1c341ad2f1f9">Re: Uninvited guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]People are so weird. I think the world must just revolve around some people for them to think that "oh of course I'm invited!" Just a sanity check though... of the people that are acting like they are expecting to be invited, do either of these apply: <strong>-They are significant-others of people who are invited to the wedding -They were invited to any pre-wedding events (engagement party, showers, bach parties, etc) If either of those are the case then it makes sense that they'd expect to be invited. Apologize profusely for not sending an invite and make room</strong>. In the more likely event that those are NOT the case... definitely delete any public FB comments. Have FI message them (though I think calling them would be more personal and respectful if they're close) and explain the misunderstanding... and as PPs have said, <strong>perhaps make sure the caterer has a few extra dishes up their sleaves just in case.</strong> Also, no idea if you or FI post a lot about the wedding on FB... but I'd definitely stop that completely as to avoid anymore confusion.
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

Definitely THIS!  I'd also remind FI that they weren't invited for a reason and just because they're posting comments on fb doesn't change that.  Have him man up!

erin7264

I've tried, but he refuses and is being a total PIA about it. None of them are significant others or people that were otherwise invited to any wedding festivities, just nosey people that assume they are invited. He's not even on Facebook all that often - so really, aside from the initial 'we're engaged!' announcement, he hasn't been posting about it, either. 

I briefly contemplated sending  them messages, but I don't want to sound like a B. Especially since I really don't know them. 

Lauracav11

If you don't really know them, then who cares if they think you're a "B"? I would just send them a message stating what other's said above "can't invite everyone they wanted, caterer already has the final count, etc." This is not something you should have to worry about on your wedding day. Good luck!

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-guests-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3076cd24-59f8-415e-bb9d-885303418e28Post:58d0061c-1b13-4308-86bb-2d67df434978">Re: Uninvited guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've tried, but he refuses and is being a total PIA about it. None of them are significant others or people that were otherwise invited to any wedding festivities, just nosey people that assume they are invited. He's not even on Facebook all that often - so really, aside from the initial 'we're engaged!' announcement, he hasn't been posting about it, either.  I briefly contemplated sending  them messages, but I don't want to sound like a B. Especially since I really don't know them. 
Posted by erin7264[/QUOTE]


Well, I still would not get meals for them or have seats for them. Then your FI can deal with the consequences of being such a PIA about this. Excuse me for being so harsh, but is he really that stupid about how much these uninvited guests would cost?