NWR hate to sound selfish but..

CurlsNpearls12

I've recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and it comes with the worst pain I've ever experienced. I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy. For the past several months I've been in and out of the ER and doctors.

My husband hasn't been much for a support system. Tonight has put me over the edge. I sat right next to him bawling because the pain isn't tolerable and I'm just an emotional mess. He did nothing but stare at the tv. I don't expect much. I'd be thrilled with a "are you ok?" Or even just a touch of the hand.

I don't have motivation for anything I just want to lay in bed and not move. So a supportive husband would be a nice touch. I've approached conversation about how I feel but he just gets offended and says I accuse him of being a terrible husband. These are never my intentions I just need a supportive life partner.

What are things going to be like when I'm pregnant and need someone emotionally? Possibly I'm selfish but I don't think I'm over reacting. How should I fix this situation? TIA for any advice.. I'm not looking for a pity party just some way to help him understand

CurlsNpearls12

I have so many emotions and that is one of them yes.

CurlsNpearls12

And sorry for the huge post. I would have used paragraphs but I'm on my phone..

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-hate-to-sound-selfish-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30ab71fc-e374-4f90-b45d-0cfdad12ad69Post:5bfb7220-4f65-47de-aeb1-5d69742e10e7">NWR hate to sound selfish but..</a>:
[QUOTE]I've recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and it comes with the worst pain I've ever experienced. I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy. For the past several months I've been in and out of the ER and doctors. My husband hasn't been much for a support system. Tonight has put me over the edge. I sat right next to him bawling because the pain isn't tolerable and I'm just an emotional mess. He did nothing but stare at the tv. I don't expect much. I'd be thrilled with a "are you ok?" Or even just a touch of the hand. I don't have motivation for anything I just want to lay in bed and not move. So a supportive husband would be a nice touch. I've approached conversation about how I feel but he just gets offended and says I accuse him of being a terrible husband. These are never my intentions I just need a supportive life partner. <strong><u>What are things going to be like when I'm pregnant and need someone emotionally?</u></strong> Possibly I'm selfish but I don't think I'm over reacting. How should I fix this situation? TIA for any advice.. I'm not looking for a pity party just some way to help him understand
Posted by CurlsNpearls12[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't think you're over reacting and I really hope you think hard before you consider having his children. If he's being insensitive and pretty much ignoring you now, not only will he do this when you are pregnant and taking care of a child, but chances are he'll have the same attitude with the kids as well. I don't know what to tell you other than try to talk to him about it as nicely as possible. Talk in terms of "I" - as in "I really feel like this" or "the impression I am getting is that" and not "You do this or don't do that". I know it sounds like the same thing but it can really help when someone gets defensive. Tell him you;re not accusing him of anything, you just need him to be supportive right now and you don't understand why he's not. Ask him how he's feeling about your diagnosis. Maybe he feels terrible that you have to go through this and he can't fix it and that's super hard for him so he just shuts down. I have anxiety disorders and when I'm freaking out sometimes my FI has to take a moment for himself because he feels so powerless and he feels that it's his job to protect me and take care of me and it kills him when he can't. Maybe your husband is feeling something similar?</div><div>
</div><div>Edited for horrible spelling. </div>

CurlsNpearls12

I have tried to question why he acts as if I don't exist. He says he doesn't know how to react or what to do. But this has been going on for over a year but recently has gotten worse. So i tell him what I need. He knows his comfort is all I want but I guess he still doesn't know how to be. I think part to blame would be he never had any emotional support growing up. We've been together for 7 years and I would like to think I've tried to show him how to be emotional but apparently not.

CurlsNpearls12

In Response to Re:NWR hate to sound selfish but..:[QUOTE]I have tried to question why he acts as if I don't exist. He says he doesn't know how to react or what to do. But this has been going on for over a year but recently has gotten worse. So i tell him what I need. He knows his comfort is all I want but I guess he still doesn't know how to be. I think part to blame would be he never had any emotional support growing up. We've been together for 7 years and I would like to think I've tried to show him how to be emotional but apparently not. Posted by CurlsNpearls12[/QUOTE]

And I didn't really mean "I TELL him what I need" but more so I try to explain the things I need. Ex comfort, sympathy etc etc

beardownbchs

 I'm sorry. You must feel so alone. Have you tried telling him what you need - like right then? Like when you are lying on the couch in pain and he's watching TV saying something like, "Honey I'm having a really bad day. Will you cuddle with me?" or something like that?

And if it's been going on this long and it's getting worse..you may want to try something like couples' counseling. Not necessarily marriage counseling (which implies that a divorce is near and you're trying desperately to fix it) but therapy sessions both together and individually to help you both communicate with each other. 

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-hate-to-sound-selfish-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30ab71fc-e374-4f90-b45d-0cfdad12ad69Post:ae484b5b-32c5-485c-a242-959bcc89b18b">Re:NWR hate to sound selfish but..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:NWR hate to sound selfish but..: And I didn't really mean "I TELL him what I need" but more so I try to explain the things I need. Ex comfort, sympathy etc etc
Posted by CurlsNpearls12[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Sorry I didn;t see this before I posted my last post. Honestly I'd try to see how receptive he is to some sort of counseling. He probably won't be, but he might see how big of a deal this is for you.</div>

CurlsNpearls12

Yes, tonight actually, when we were on the couch I said hey could you jus hold me? It's the only thing that would make me feel ok right now. And he will cuddle me but only for a short time. Like he will get up and do something else. I tried mentioning couples counseling for communication practice for US not just HIM. To try and make it sound less like I'm putting him down and he laughs. Obviously he thinks we're perfect Or something.

shanliann

how is his relationship with his family, are they all supportive etc?

i love my husband but when it comes to emotional things he just honestly doesn't know how to do it, he can give me a hug and say hes sorry but thats about as far as it goes.

my aunt went to being dignosed with asthma to in hospice with cancer in 3 months, i was upset the day she passed even tho we knew it was coming. the day she passed was my first day off with the hubby in over a month, and after getting news of my aunts passing, he went into our room and played a video game for almost 3 hours. he loves his video games but he never really plays all that much when im home. he apoligized later that evening and said he just didn't even know what to do other then give me a hug.

that is exactly how all his family is. his mom tells him she loves him but they rarely even hug.

if he didn't grow up with someone showing him how to do this, he cant just do it because you tell him its what you need!

im really really sorry for what you are going through, i wish i could give you a hug right now

just thought id give you a little insight to my hubby and maybe it would help your situation.

CurlsNpearls12

Alright so I just went out into the living room to shut the lights off. He was into something on his phone and I sat down next to him. I said can you please comfort me? It's then only thing that makes me feel okay. Without any eye contact as he stares at his phone he said to me that he doesn't make me feel better that its all in my head. Hugging doesn't make it go away. I explained all I need is his affection. I feel lonely. He said to me that I'm being DRAMATIC. I seriously want to flip out but all I can do right now is cry. By myself. This is not what I asked for. This is not how a marriage should be.

emeejeeayen

I'm going to talk about things I've personally experienced. I think it will apply, but I apologize if it doesn't.

I'm really had on myself. I always think I could've done better, and it can be really challenging for me to keep up a regular level of self esteem because of this. My FI, on the other hand, always seems to have a tremendous amount of self confidence, but he goes through these temporary bouts of intolerable self doubt. 

It took me a long time to realize that my ability to think I can do better means that I believe, on some level, that I'm capable of more. Whereas my FI had a tendency to believe this is the best he can do, that he is not capable of more. Ultimately it takes a lot of self esteem to feel that you are capable of doing what you put your mind to, doing more, being better.

I say this because when my FI is put in the situation of feeling entirely powerless he shuts down. He has no idea how to handle it because oftentimes he does not feel capable of fixing something. And in your situation, your FI is literally powerless. There is literally nothing he can do to actually fix you, and it's likely that he doesn't fully understand how much help he could provide just by being emotionally supportive. 

Maybe the above is completely irrelevant. Again, apologize if so. But it took me a while to figure that sort of thing out about my FI and has been incredibly beneficial once I was able to see it in that light. 

Your FI might just be incredibly afraid and feeling helpless. And that sucks because you're the one going through physical pain. But not everyone is great in a crisis in the way you want them to be. I would ask him how he feels when you're in pain and see where his head is at. Yes, you are the one going through pain, and you are entirely 100% justified in being pissed at his behavior, but as a married couple, this is something both of you are going through. 

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-hate-to-sound-selfish-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30ab71fc-e374-4f90-b45d-0cfdad12ad69Post:92afc079-8aa8-40f9-a5a8-b1ab5ea27e89">Re:NWR hate to sound selfish but..</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright so I just went out into the living room to shut the lights off. He was into something on his phone and I sat down next to him. I said can you please comfort me? It's then only thing that makes me feel okay. Without any eye contact as he stares at his phone he said to me that he doesn't make me feel better that its all in my head. Hugging doesn't make it go away. I explained all I need is his affection. I feel lonely. He said to me that I'm being DRAMATIC.<strong> I seriously want to flip out</strong> but all I can do right now is cry. By myself. <strong>This is not what I asked for. This is not how a marriage should be</strong>.
Posted by CurlsNpearls12[/QUOTE]

<div>Maybe you should. He's not hearing when you talk, maybe he'll hear you when you yell. I know my FI does. If you're mad - yell. If you're sad - cry. Whether he's willing to hear you or not, tell him. I don't know if it's at this point (and I hope it's not) but if it is, tell him you can't live like this and that you've considered leaving. </div><div>Again, I hope it has not and does not get to this point, but if you do end up leaving him, you will never regret telling how you feel. You will, however, regret not telling him. Do and say exactly what you're feeling. Then you've left everything on the table and the rest is up to him. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm so sorry you feel like this. I really wish I could slap him in the face and yell at him for you. You should be worrying about nothing other than yourself and your condition and he's adding huge amounts of stress. I'm so sorry. :(</div>

Jen4948

He might be staring at the TV because he just doesn't know what to say that will help you.

Sometimes inarticulate people feel affection but just don't know how to show it, especially if they come from backgrounds which frown on demonstrating emotions.  Is that the case with your H?

Not that this excuses his not being there for you, but you might try a different approach.  Ask him what he would want from you if he were sick and/or in intense pain, and then let him know, "You know, it would be nice if you could do that for me now because I would feel the pain a lot less" in a non-confrontational way.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-hate-to-sound-selfish-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30ab71fc-e374-4f90-b45d-0cfdad12ad69Post:b17b0c72-d300-45a2-8e80-a79666779401">Re:NWR hate to sound selfish but..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:NWR hate to sound selfish but.. : <strong>Maybe you should. He's not hearing when you talk, maybe he'll hear you when you yell. </strong>I know my FI does. If you're mad - yell. If you're sad - cry. Whether he's willing to hear you or not, tell him. I don't know if it's at this point (and I hope it's not) but if it is, tell him you can't live like this and that you've considered leaving.  Again, I hope it has not and does not get to this point, but if you do end up leaving him, you will never regret telling how you feel. You will, however, regret not telling him. Do and say exactly what you're feeling. Then you've left everything on the table and the rest is up to him.  I'm so sorry you feel like this. I really wish I could slap him in the face and yell at him for you. You should be worrying about nothing other than yourself and your condition and he's adding huge amounts of stress. I'm so sorry. :(
Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]
I don't know that this is the best option. <div>Honestly, Go to counseling. Don't ask that he go, Tell him. When H was my FI and we were having problems, I told him that we would go to counseling or that we wouldn't be getting married.</div><div>Until you can get him to go, is it possible that you can start asking him for things that make you feel better? "Hey H, I'm in a lot of pain right now, I'm going to go lay down but can you bring me a heating pad" for example. Maybe once he knows what he can do to make you feel better he'll tune in to the emotional side (Does this make sense? I feel like it doesn't.)</div>

Loopyseven

I'm sorry you're not getting the support from your husband that you want.  Sometimes they don't always take things as well from us.  Feeding him little bits of information might help him slowly understand what you're going through and lead to more sympathy.  I used to get wicked bad cramps.  I told someone once it felt like someone was digging my uterus out with a spoon (nice, right?).  It's awful and sometimes a hug does help.

My husband is interested in my pregnancy, but doesn't really want to do any of the reading or anything like that.  I get a weekly newsletter that is about 2 or 3 paragraphs about the baby and what symptoms I might be feeling.  I forward it to him.  He doesn't always say anything about it, but once in a while he'll make a comment about "so the baby does this now" or ask me "have you been having any of that symptom?"  It's nice to know he takes the time to read the little bits of information even though I know he won't go Google anything or spend hours reading a book about it.  

Are you doing anything to treat the endo?  Are you taking any painkillers during that time of the month?  What does your doctor say about the level of pain you are in?  Even with endo, that much pain is NOT normal and there should be things they can do/prescribe to help you manage it better.  Have you talked to your doctor about having surgery to have it removed?  My cousin had it, and she had the surgery (I forget what it's called - they go in laparoscopically and remove as much as they can) and then she was on BC to supress her system to keep it from growing back.  After she got pregnant she hasn't had any more issues with it. (not that that's a reason to have a baby LOL, just sayin').  Left untreated it can cause scar tissue to build up on your reproductive organs and can seriously affect your fertility if you are planning on having a family someday.  

Good luck!

DramaGeek

Our problem was division of labor in our home, but it took flipping out for H to realize just how serious of a problem we had.  he knew things weren't perfect, but he didn't really understand how dire the situation was until that point.

How did he respond when you suggested counseling?

Sharpschruter22

I have endo too. I know how you feel and I'm sorry your H isn't being supportive the way you want him to be. I agree with those saying that he might not have grown up in an affectionate family and because he can't help your pain, he feels like there is nothing he can do. I also agree with the poster who said to ask him to do something he can do to help you in other ways. Ask him for a heating pad, a cup of hot tea, or to massage your lower back for a bit. Go to your bed or somewhere he isn't so you aren't focused on feeling like he is ignoring you. In the meantime, if you arent on a painkiller, I advise getting on one immediately. I was put on tramadol and it made a world of difference. I no longer have to call in to work every time I have a period because I physically can't move or throw up in the shower because I'm in so much pain. You might also consider birth control or a different type if you already take it. That will make a big difference also. Keep us posted.

AdeleDazeem

I don't know...  this whole post is making me feel really sad for the OP and insanely grateful for my husband.  I'm not sure there's any excuse for "Could you please give me a hug?" and he stares at his phone.  There's not understanding what to do for someone in need and then there's just plain ignoring them. 

I'm getting a distinct ignoring vibe from the OP's husband.

allychase

I agree with PP.. Granted, my FI has 2 older sisters and is SO involved with my emotional well being. I sometimes have terrible menstrual cramps and hell rub my stomach or my back for hours if it means it helps only a little. OPs H is coming off a little too cold here, not so much just helpless in the situation. Has he always been this way? I feel like you can learn pretty quick if you're with somebody who's quick to dismiss your feelings and, in this case, excruciating pain. You got some great suggestions OP about asking for specific things, and then perhaps saying oh that made a world of difference H, thank you so much! If he doesn't respond to that, which kind of makes him the hero in that scenario, I think there's some deep rooted issues here that maybe should have been sorted out a long time ago, because a lifetime of someone acting cold hearted is a deal breaker to me.

msuprincess04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-hate-to-sound-selfish-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:30ab71fc-e374-4f90-b45d-0cfdad12ad69Post:ae484b5b-32c5-485c-a242-959bcc89b18b">Re:NWR hate to sound selfish but..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:NWR hate to sound selfish but..: And I didn't really mean "I TELL him what I need" but more so I try to explain the things I need. Ex comfort, sympathy etc etc
Posted by CurlsNpearls12[/QUOTE]

Men are dense. Instead of leaving it in broad terms like that, why not tell him exactly what you need?

When I'm crying, I need you to get me a tissue, put your arms around me, snuggle close.
When I say I'm hurting, I need you to ask me what you can do to help, get a blanket, get a hot water bottle, get my medication, offer to help out around the house, offer ice cream
ect.

Saying "I need sympathy" or "i need support" doesn't tell someone what you need. Because that could mean a million different things. You may just need to be more direct.

rsanna

I have to agree with Ally and Joy. It sounds like OP was already asking her H if he would/could do little things to make her feel better. She asked for a hug or for him to hold her, and she gets told she is being dramatic and that it is all in her head. I agree with others about the counselling, but she mentioned that as well and got laughed at. I don't really have any advice other than I wish you the best of luck with everything OP and I'm really sorry for everything you have been going through.

lyndausvi

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain and your husband is not being as supportive as you you want.      

Do you snuggle on a normal basis?  I ask because DH and I are NOT cuddlier.  We might cuddle on the couch for about 5 minutes and that is it.    If you do not cuddle on a normal basis I can't see how he is going to starting cuddling for hours all the sudden.   I know I couldn't do it, I'm irrationally annoyed when someone is hanging on for more than 30 minutes.  I know you are hurting, but maybe start out slow and then praise him for how it makes you feel.  As time goes by you might find he will just naturally hold you.  

How is he when he is sick?  When I'm sick I don't want anyone around.   I don't feel ANY comfort from someone holding me or huging me.  Just leave me the hell alone.     DH is kind-of the same way.  He needs a little comfort, but rubbing his head for a few minutes (up to 15-30)  normally does the trick.  

I'll be honest, as a non-cuddler I would not be happy if I had to now have to comfort on regular basis.   I also would be resentful that I was being told I had to.  I know it makes me sound cold. but don't like people hanging all over me.  It makes ME uncomfortable.  I don't get how me being resentful  and uncomfortable is going to make the other person feel better.  

Point I'm getting is if he is not  normally a cuddlier or he doesn't like comfort when he is sick I don't think it's something that is going to change overnight.    Yelling at him to hold you is only going to casue more problems than it helps.   I think counseling is a great idea.  You work together to be able to find something that works.

GL.  I've had it a long time ago.  I know the pain.

JaxInBlue

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I agree with lyn, too.  It sounds like you have two issues.  The first seems to be figuring out if you and your H can learn to take care of each other the way the person in need would like.  It's hard; DH and I are polar opposites when we are sick and in pain.  We've both had to learn to support the best way for our spouse, and that took a lot of blunt conversation from both of us when we were not under duress.  We do better now, but it's still something we are both learning.  I agree with PPs who advocate for being as specific as you can with your H about what you need and about how having is support and attention make you feel.  In return, you do the same for him.

I think your other issue is a longer term one, and that is resolving your communication differences.  He needs to learn to engage with you even when he's not comfortable and you may need to recraft you messages to him to be more pragmatic.  My DH also did not grow up in a household where people messaged a lot around emotions; as a result, it has taken me time to learn to not talk to him from a place of I feel but rather a place of "when you did X, I took it to be Y.  If that is not what you intended, we need to talk about why that happened."  It's also been a time investment, and he has had to learn that I need space to talk about my feelings and emotional needs  and to feel not validated, but heard.  Counseling could help, and you could always start by yourself, or by looking a books as a conversation starter.

[Deleted User]

I agree with others that counseling would probably be a good thing for you both - not only to deal with the communication issues you're facing but also to deal with what you are going through medically and emotionally from the endo.

I do want to share some personal experience, too, though, in the hopes that it will help. I am an extremely emotional person, at times to my detriment because I have trouble controlling all the emotions spilling out. FI is stoic in the extreme, from both just how he is and how he was raised, and actually has trouble sometimes understanding his own emotions. Add to that that I don't like feeling like I'm being demanding so I have a tendency to hint/make side comments instead of flat out asking for things and he has a serious, SERIOUS aversion to that because of a very evil and manipulitive ex-stepmother. Especially when we were first living together, this all added up to some really huge fights and big issues. Occasionally, it still causes issues, but we've gotten much better at it.

For us, this is what helped. First, don't only have these conversations when something is wrong and you need/want something from him. Take time to talk about it a few hours later or the next day or something when the issue is kind of over and you've both had time to get back to normal. So, instead of just asking for cuddles when you're feeling sick, when you're having a good spell, bring up "you know, last night, when you cuddled me, that really made me feel better. Think you'd be up to being my cuddle buddy when I'm feeling bad? I'll let you know when I want to do so." He might feel less attacked, especially if you can phrase it in terms of him doing something right.

Second, ask him how he would like to be asked about these things or have your feelings communicated. We had to have several long discussions to come to a compromise where he wouldn't get defensive every time I mentioned something and I would make sure to try to be more direct about what I wanted him to do. It then took a while to adjust, but it has helped hugely and, honestly, we do come back to it and make a point of it if one of us relapses into our old habits. Your husband may just not respond well to certain forms of requests, especially in times of stress, so you need to have a talk on how to effectively ask him for things and then he needs to try to meet you halfway as well.

Third, as others have said, don't accuse or put things on him - use "I" not "you". I don't even like using "I need." I like using "I feel." It's less demanding and also puts it in perspective that your feelings, while TOTALLY valid (especially in this case) aren't necessarily his and leaves room for him to put forth his feelings. Example: instead of "I need you to cuddle me when I'm sick" you could say "I feel very alone and scared when I feel sick so I would feel better if you gave me some physical contact or some cuddling." It lets him know what your needs are but also leaves the door open for him to say "oh, ok, I understand that but I feel like ..."

Maybe that won't work for you, but, again, coming from a situation of emotional person vs. stoic/not good with emotions person, these tips helped us a LOT in getting to meet half way and having both our needs filled.  Good luck. I really hope things get better - both with your endo and with your husband.

MoonlightSilver

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-hate-to-sound-selfish-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30ab71fc-e374-4f90-b45d-0cfdad12ad69Post:92afc079-8aa8-40f9-a5a8-b1ab5ea27e89">Re:NWR hate to sound selfish but..</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright so I just went out into the living room to shut the lights off. He was into something on his phone and I sat down next to him. I said can you please comfort me? It's then only thing that makes me feel okay. Without any eye contact as he stares at his phone <strong>he said to me that he doesn't make me feel better that its all in my head. Hugging doesn't make it go away.</strong> I explained all I need is his affection. I feel lonely. He said to me that I'm being DRAMATIC. I seriously want to flip out but all I can do right now is cry. By myself. This is not what I asked for. This is not how a marriage should be.
Posted by CurlsNpearls12[/QUOTE]

<div>Please go to counseling. He shouldn't be telling you how YOU feel. You should be telling him how you feel. If you tell him something would make you feel better, and he tells you it wont, that's not just being unsure what to do, that's unsupportive. </div><div>
</div><div>You might also try explaining to him that you don't expect him to fix the problem, but help you deal with it. You don't want a hug to make the pain go away, you want a hug to feel supported and loved by your husband- which is not unreasonable at all, no matter how little affection he had growing up.</div>

CurlsNpearls12

Thank you everyone for your imput. It is helping me understand this so much better. I need to get a grasp on things and this has helped greatly. So thank you.

Lyn- we DO cuddle on a normal basis. Intentional or not we just do no matter what. It's what we love to do while watching some TV, falling asleep, etc. When he's sick...well...I don't think I've ever seen the man more sick than a stuffy nose in 7 years. Possibly this is the root of his misunderstanding.

Loopy- congratulations on the pregnancy. I have started to see a specialist in endo and we have scheduled lap surgery to remove some of the scar tissue to prevent fertility problems down the road. I have been trying several different pain killers but I haven't found the perfect one yet. Either they make me extremely ill, or knock me out. I've tried different BC's with all different hormone levels. They help with one thing, and not the other. I'm trying my best to adjust my diet and exercise which has helped some. I've found support groups online for different treatments. I may try accupuncture but I'm a chicken with needles. We'll see.

Von- thank you so much for taking the time for your entire post. I feel like I can understand things better.

And I do agree with everyone else's views. He was never shown emotional sympathy throughout his entire childhood. And I still see it to this day. He has a good relationship with his family, but not in the way I have with my parents. To this day I have more support from my own Mother than my husband. And that kills me.

All together, today I'm looking for couple's therapy because things HAVE been this way forever. I don't want marriage counseling because our marriage is great afar from this. We love spending time together, we do many activities together because we enjoy each other's company. Maybe I need to work on my communication skills as well. But thank you all again for the super advice, it's helped me in many ways.

Peledreamsofrain

Ooo, if my husband told me a cripplibg disease is all in my head, he'd get yelled at so badly he wouldn't hear straight for a week. I would get books and books of research, stuff a folder full of pictures of the effects of the disease on the reproductive system, the drop in his lap. Then again, my husband freaks out if I ever show any signs of pain since i'm usually too stubborn to admit to hurting. if I actually agree to stay in bed, he thinks it's the apovolypse.

Kristin789

First of all, you need to kick your medical care into high gear.  Totally agree with this from a previous poster:

Even with endo, that much pain is NOT normal and there should be things they can do/prescribe to help you manage it better.

Your DH probably thinks that you are not being totally aggressive with your doctors, because this is NOT normal, it's gone on too long at too high emotional cost to YOU and to DH, and the surgery should have been done already.

And if you get aggressive with scheduling up some counseling for HIM or for YOU AND HIM - but you are not aggressive with your doctors to get your health problems fixed quickly... what kind of message are you sending to DH?

misshart00

In Response to Re:NWR hate to sound selfish but..:[QUOTE]Ooo, if my husband told me a cripplibg disease is all in my head, he'd get yelled at so badly he wouldn't hear straight for a week. I would get books and books of research, stuff a folder full of pictures of the effects of the disease on the reproductive system, the drop in his lap.

Then again, my husband freaks out if I ever show any signs of pain since i'm usually too stubborn to admit to hurting. if I actually agree to stay in
bed, he thinks it's the apovolypse. Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

I didn't read that he thinks her whole sickness is in her head. I thought she was saying that the hugs helping was in her head, if that makes sense.

OP, correct me if I'm wrong.

anssett

I read about 1/3 of the posts so I don't have every detail but I caught that you're in excruciating pain, he's not being supportive, and the idea of couples counseling makes him LAUGH? Did he show signs of this before you married him? Is it new? Is is old behavior you thought would change? 

I am so sorry you're in this pain but I would be terrified to stay in a situation like that and consider moving forward with a family. I'm not sure there's a way forward without outside intervention (couples counseling) and maybe he needs to know that without that he may lose you. You don't have to make it a blunt ultimatum, but being clear that you don't think you can actually spend your life feeling like he doesn't care for your health, well being, etc, and doesn't want to try to change this problem. 

I'm sorry. Good luck.