Question about couple's therapy

pinkpinot

(it took me 10 refreshes to post this grrrr)

My dad and step mom are divorcing and I think they should try couple's therapy before calling it quits.  My step mom said she loves my dad but isn't in "love" with him.  She doesn't feel like therapy will suddenly make her fall in love again, so why bother.  Has anyone here been to couple's therapy? Can it help you re-fall in love with your SO again?

shellydiane820

I have not, but I would stay out of their business.  I don't think it will help if one person doesn't want to be there.

tlv204

I haven't gone to couples therapy, but I imagine that at the very least it could help the people involved focus on the positives of the relationship and maybe the reasons why they fell in love in the first place. I mean I doubt it could hurt.

I always get sad when people don't want to try working on a relationship before giving up. I guess people just get so frustrated that they just want to feel happy again as soon as possible and hope that ending it quickly is the best way. I know that's what my dad did, unfortunately my mom did not and still wallows in self pity 17 years after the divorce.

EmmaBride2B

Well, this is one of those things you can't make someone do. Even if they go to humor you, if they go "knowing" that it won't help, it most likely won't.

Personally though, I can't imagine not trying absolutely everything, including couples therapy, to try to make things work. I'm really sorry, I hope they can work things out.

pooh8402

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-couples-therapy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:30c10d05-d387-420d-b1e7-f4f128c256a9Post:c3209780-c67c-413c-8818-d57c53237044">Re: Question about couple's therapy</a>:
[QUOTE]I haven't gone to couples therapy, but I imagine that at the very least it could help the people involved focus on the positives of the relationship and maybe the reasons why they fell in love in the first place. I mean I doubt it could hurt. <strong>I always get sad when people don't want to try working on a relationship before giving up.</strong> I guess people just get so frustrated that they just want to feel happy again as soon as possible and hope that ending it quickly is the best way.
Posted by tlv204[/QUOTE]

ditto this. also ditto that you should probably myob, even though it does involve your parents. I personally think that couples therapy could only work if BOTH parties are actually trying to make the therapy work.

beatlesgirl25

Pink, I'm sorry to hear about your dad and stepmom. From my experience, couples therapy is only successful at keeping the couple together if both partners are interested in rebuilding and finding a resolution. In those cases, it is possible to recapture familiar feelings of love and acceptance of each partner as they are now.

However, that is not to say that the therapy can't be successful in other ways. Often, couples therapy is used to help a couple process a separation and eventual breakup, even if they enter it with the intention of staying together. Like tlv said, it can help to feel as if you've tried everything before letting go, though it sounds like your stepmom might already be ready to let go. I'm sorry you guys are going through this.

desertsun

Oh, Pink, I'm sorry. I mostly just lurk on (P&)E, but wanted to let you know I don't think you need to myob. If they've talked about their relationship to you, I'm inclined to think they'd be okay with you making a suggestion or two.

I'll link you up to a book/type of therapy that I've heard is really successful:

http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/031611300X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263190093&sr=8-1

There's a section in the book where the author gives you websites to help find therapists in your area that have been trained in this method.

It's a method that doesn't just focus on communication; it focuses on the need people have to feel an emotional connection to each other, and talks about how to foster that connection.

Best wishes for you and your family.

pinkpinot

Sorry for the post & run last night, I couldn't get back on after I posted that.

Thank you for the advice.  I'm not all up in their business but I did make that suggestion to her because I do have a little sister who still lives at home, I'd like to see them work through it but if my step mom isn't into it then I guess the decision is already made which makes me sad. 

RaiKai

AS a PP mentioned, couple's therapy does not always need to have an end goal of helping a couple stay together - often marital therapists also do "separation therapy". It can indeed be very helpful for a couple (and the individuals) to understand things on a deeper level then just "not being in love anymore".

But, yes, MYOB. Therapy in any case also takes willing participants, as even couple's therapy comes down to the need for individuals to take responsibility for themselves. It's rarely "easy" work in any case.

missy68

I went during my first marriage, along with individual therapy, twice. What it ended up showing me is that I was NOT the problem in our marriage, and there weren't two people working together.

squirrly

In most cases, I think it's a good thing for people to do.  Whether the therapy makes them fall in love or makes it easier to move on without guilt, etc., it's still a good thing.  I don't think it should be required, though - sometimes you just know that when your SO has resorted to throwing shoes or heavy objects when there's a disagreement - it's time to move on. 

*No, nobody threw shoes at me.  Yes, I do know the person who was on the receiving end.  I think individual therapy would have been useful for both, but couple's therapy was way past the point of usefulness for them.