Recently Estranged Parents and Invitations

epco33

You might remember me posting about month ago about my relationship with my parents.  We have not spoken at all in a little over a month.  I went to a therapist in the interim who after hearing the history of my parents and I’s relationship (which included physical abuse) he strongly urged me to at least briefly end the relationship and not invite them to the wedding.  I was very cautious about this decision as it seemed a little drastic.  He then said I could do some sort of ultimatum that they agree to some items in order to continue a relationship and implicitly for them to come to the wedding.  This week I broke the silence and asked my father if he and my mother agree (as I have already have) to strive to be positive and have more open communication.  My dad refused to answer and instead said, “Let me think about it.”  He also indicated that my mother would probably not agree to this.  Still waiting on an answer but I am not very hopeful as he himself could not readily agree to be positive or have more open communication.

It is my firm belief that they will not agree.  Do I do what my therapist suggested and end the relationship and not invite them to the wedding? 

I was also thinking of another method that they agree for the next 6 months we have a purely business relationship and will only discuss items relating to the wedding and no communication otherwise at all.  After the wedding we would both need to decide on how we would proceed with our relationship.  What do you all think of that?

The ambiguity is really affecting me and I just want some sort of answer and not being in emotional limbo as I am now.  Thanks

baystateapple

If you are having second thoughts at all about not inviting them to the wedding, don't do it.  You will probably regret it, and not sending them an invitation is not a "temporary removal from your life", it is, as you put it, a pretty drastic move.

If you have six months until the wedding right now, I would think this is the time to try and patch up the relationship.  You have four months until invitations even need to be out.  I would work on your relationship with your parents, and see how things are two months out from the wedding, before you decide whether or not to send them an invitation.

Best of luck to you, and I hope you work things out.

Milsey32

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_recently-estranged-parents-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3183ddc7-84ac-4209-952b-7345a14db2d2Post:fbe00239-5282-4683-b6f8-4093862950d0">Recently Estranged Parents and Invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]You might remember me posting about month ago about my relationship with my parents.   We have not spoken at all in a little over a month.   I went to a therapist in the interim who after hearing the history of my parents and I’s relationship (which included physical abuse) he strongly urged me to at least briefly end the relationship and not invite them to the wedding.   I was very cautious about this decision as it seemed a little drastic.   He then said I could do some sort of ultimatum that they agree to some items in order to continue a relationship and implicitly for them to come to the wedding.   This week I broke the silence and asked my father if he and my mother agree (as I have already have) to strive to be positive and have more open communication.   My dad refused to answer and instead said, “Let me think about it.”   He also indicated that my mother would probably not agree to this.   Still waiting on an answer but I am not very hopeful as he himself could not readily agree to be positive or have more open communication. It is my firm belief that they will not agree.   Do I do what my therapist suggested and end the relationship and not invite them to the wedding? <strong>  I was also thinking of another method that they agree for the next 6 months we have a purely business relationship and will only discuss items relating to the wedding and no communication otherwise at all.</strong>   After the wedding we would both need to decide on how we would proceed with our relationship.   What do you all think of that? The ambiguity is really affecting me and I just want some sort of answer and not being in emotional limbo as I am now.   Thanks
Posted by epco33[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't like how you refer to wedding planning as "business" just because it's something that should excite you when you talk about it with friends and/or family. ]:</div><div>
</div><div>I'm sorry and I hope things get better

</div>

Brandiewine11

I don't know the history, but do what you feel in your heart. If, no matter what, you would miss them on your wedding day, let them come. If they will make you uncomfortable on your day and you do not want them in your life, then don't. (As a note, I have not spoken to my biological father in over 15 years and he will not be invited, obviously). Give it more time before you make your decision. If they have no interest in repairing the relationship with you, it's an easy decision. Do what you feel.

sarah0725

I just caught up with your old posts, and I think I agree with everyone else about continuing to give it time, and also to let them come to you. What does your therapist say about the fact that you're reaching out to them? It seems they should be the ones coming to you.

epco33

Believe I am very excited but I didn't know how to describe the relationship with my parents.  (Poor wording on my part I guess ) We only need to discuss the details that directly affect them and the wedding.

I dont want to have a more personal relationship with them if they cannot even agree to try to be positive and have more open communication.   

I agree that 6 months is a long time that can potentially make a difference but after nearly 30 years of having an abusive relationship its pushing me.  Yes I know if you did almost 30 years why not 6 months.  For the past month of silence and being in limbo, it has been horribly detrimental to me emotionally.  I know there's no way I can stay in limbo for 6 months. 

epco33

He also agreed that it should be them that come to me first not the other way around.  He also suggested to wait a little while before I made any decision.  In his opinion the silence and having this hanging over my head for 6 months would be extremely hurtful to me emotionally and that I needed to make some sort of decsion before that.

sarah0725

Have you talked to him about the amount of control that your parents have over your emotional life when they choose to hit you with the silent treatment, and such? You would probably feel better if you could get yourself to a point where their behavior wouldn't affect you this much. Can you lean more on your fiancee? Your friends? Your job? The fact that spring is coming?

If you find ways to distract yourself from thinking about your parents all the time, you will get through these months, and when it is time to send invitations, your decision may be more clear. It sounds like your parents don't deserve to have this much of an effect on you, anyway.

scottswife1106

If you are not even sure that you want your parents to come to the wedding, what type of wedding "business" do you have to talk to them about?

Just curious.

epco33

Oddly enough at the same time my father refused to give me an answer.  He side stepped and said that despite everything they still want to pay for many of our family's side of expenses. 

I know people have not liked my using of the word business and perhaps it was wrong but when he says that it means pay.  It is simply that he will give money but none of the actual planning will be done by my parents.  They already refused to help in plannng.
 
The role in the wedding will be one that is purely financial.  Hence, I used the term business when it applies to them.  Believe me I'm excited and invlolved.  My parents are not.

scottswife1106

For some reason, I knew that was the issue.

Well that could be a problem. You don't want to have anything to do with them but you want them to pay. Either you want them in or you want them out. If you want them out, pay for your own wedding and cut all ties. I am sure you are pondering this so much because you want their money and they might very well know that is why you are hanging around, and I think that's pretty crappy. JMO

rachjim

Honestly, I could see your parents making it a stressful day for you, which is not what you want for your wedding. I somewhat have a similar situation, but my parents hate each other on top of it. I have decided that I will tell them both (well, I already did) that they are to keep away from each other, and not bring ANY drama to me (my mom loves to make an A$$ out of herself, and drag me along with it. If either one of them doesn't comply, FI or one of the groomsmen WILL kick them out. I know my situation is a little bit different, but you see my point. I would just worry that your parents would make you feel bad on your wedding day, and since they're being difficult in just discussing it (or not discussing it), I wouldn't invite them. Just my two cents.