How do you know when its time to call it off?

starfish1920

  I lurk a lot, and you ladies always have the best advice. Warning this could be long.

      I have been with my fiance for 6 years, been engaged for 3 years of that. We have two wonderful kids together, and our wedding is in less then a month. For some reason, I feel overwhelmed, unhappy, and depressed. I keep having dreams were I call off the wedding, and I feel calm, and relaxed, then I wake up and get this horrible feeling. 

   I don't know if its ppd, our youngest is 6 months old, or if I just don't feel that connection anymore. I love spending time with my fiance, love going out and doing things as a family, but when it comes time to just us, I feel weird. I find myself pulling away, and it feels like he is doing the same. He claims he's not, says he loves me, our babies, and wants to make me happy. 

   He is a wonderful guy, amazing father, hard worker, but he does have his faults, we all do. He can be selfish, still thinks like he's single sometimes when it comes to hanging out with friends. Sometimes an emotional clod. He is trying to change, but lately it just makes me crazy. I find myself blowing up at him over everything, I am high temper to start with, but I just find my self yelling, and being so mad at little things. 

  I think part of it comes from frustration at being a stay at home mom, having a special needs child, and never really having time for just us. We moved to a new state, were our parents are 4 hours or more away. I really have no one to spend time with, besides him. While I love spending my days with my children, I miss having time outside the home, and then I feel guilty for for thinking about spending time away from my kids. 

    Our sex life is gone the way of the dinosaurs (tmi I KNOW) and its like I don't care, I feel like we are just two people in a bed. When we start to make out, or fool around, I feel like he is just not into it. He fell asleep on me tonight, and its not the first time. 

   I know we have kids, and always tired, but honestly it makes me feel unsexy, and sorta resentful against him. 

   I am finding my self getting resentful of stupid things. For example, he went shopping with my sister, mom, and me. He was mostly babysitting, but he found a dress for my sister to try on. It was super flattering, and looked amazing on her. I don't know why, but it made me mad. He said he was just wondering around picking out cheap things in her size since we were in the larger woman's section and nothing was in my size. I feel like he picks out horrible ugly things for me, like faded 80s pink shorts. If I try on something, he raves about it, even if it looks like crap, and I got so mad, I just walked out with the kids, and wouldn't talk to him till i calmed down. 

    I keep trying to remember why I feel in love in the first place, but I am having a hard time doing that. I have brought up counseling, and he has agreed to go, he wants us to keep our wedding date. I just don't know what I am feeling, or what I want to do. I  just don't feel like my self anymore.

jesslynn1012

I agree with CMGr.  I have done a lot of research on parents with special needs children and actually did my thesis on group art therapy with parents of children with special needs.  You NEED to go to therapy together to get things figured out.  You might find just talking about things with an unbiased counselor will help the situation, or it might be something more (my cousin had pdd and it turned into major depressive disorder).  Special needs parents face a lot more challenges than any parents with "typically" functioning children, so for that alone you need support.  Only you know if you should call off the wedding or not, but you might be able to get into a counselor quickly to help weigh your options.  Good luck! 

lauraanne9

I agree with the above poster.  Sounds like you guys are dealing with a LOT...a move, an impending marriage, and a special needs child is a LOT.  Counseling, so both of you know where the other is in the relationship is the best next step.  My fiance and I went to 6 months of counseling when we got engaged, intentionally to help us have great communication tools, etc. for a relationship that would grow and thrive.  We thought we were fine, LOL, but we learned a LOT in counseling.  It's the right next step.

sarabear23

If I were you, I would definitely postpone the wedding while you go to counseling. It may not be what HE wants, but you have to think about yourself as well. Splitting up before a wedding is a lot easier than divorcing. 

I understand how frustrating it is to feel not as 'connected' to your partner as you used to. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I wish you the best.

StefffiC

Agree with PP - go to counseling. It's worth it.

starfish1920

   We do plan on going, but I just feel so emotionally closed off, and drained. I tried talking to my mom, and sister, and they just don't see why I would postpone the wedding, and just talk to someone after. They both think I am just having cold feet, and nerves, and I shouldn't waste the money we would lose.

     My fiance really does not want to postpone also, but he knows we might have to. He worries what to tell people, and loosing the money we paid. 

   I sometimes feel like just walking out, but thinking of leaving hurts also. I was so happy, and excited about our wedding, and now I can't sleep, I have to force my self to eat, I have lost 20 lbs in the last month and half, I fake being happy so my kids don't know how I feel. I am getting burned out being happy during the day, and up all night with heartburn, and the only time I can sleep is from exhaustion.  I have been to the Dr, 3 times, and they suggested sleep, food, and Prozac. 

    I have never been depressed before, or gone from one high to a deep low, but lately that's all I seem to do. The only time I feel like me is when I go work out by my self, and that's the only alone, Me time I get.  I have had a few moments were I just wish I was dead, I just felt so overwhelmed with unhappiness, but then I was even more sad at the idea of leaving my children.  

  I am just to the point of a breakdown I think.

jesslynn1012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-you-know-when-its-time-to-call-it-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:31a824f3-451a-400f-a376-7e2f5bbe2f16Post:d4773970-5d7e-4308-912c-61918a788b2c">Re: How do you know when its time to call it off?</a>:
[QUOTE]   We do plan on going, but I just feel so emotionally closed off, and drained. I tried talking to my mom, and sister, and they just don't see why I would postpone the wedding, and just talk to someone after. They both think I am just having cold feet, and nerves, and I shouldn't waste the money we would lose.      My fiance really does not want to postpone also, but he knows we might have to. He worries what to tell people, and loosing the money we paid.     I sometimes feel like just walking out, but thinking of leaving hurts also. I was so happy, and excited about our wedding, and now I can't sleep, I have to force my self to eat, I have lost 20 lbs in the last month and half, I fake being happy so my kids don't know how I feel. I am getting burned out being happy during the day, and up all night with heartburn, and the only time I can sleep is from exhaustion.  I have been to the Dr, 3 times, and they suggested sleep, food, and Prozac.      I have never been depressed before, or gone from one high to a deep low, but lately that's all I seem to do. The only time I feel like me is when I go work out by my self, and that's the only alone, Me time I get.  I have had a few moments were I just wish I was dead, I just felt so overwhelmed with unhappiness, but then I was even more sad at the idea of leaving my children.     I am just to the point of a breakdown I think.
Posted by starfish1920[/QUOTE]

I really feel for you and pray that you get the help/support you need soon.  A doctor's job is to try to fix the problem, so prescribing drugs, food, sleep is what his job is.  A counselor or social worker will be able to talk to you about everything, get to the root of the problem, and help you come up with positive coping skills.  I feel that this is definitely something that you and your FI can work through and be better as a result of talking to someone.  If you feel really bad or out of control or in the midst of a breakdown, please go to the hospital and don't wait to get help.

monkeysip

I do encourage you to seek counseling before just walking away.

Of course you should be happy, and like PPs said, divorce is much harder than just calling off the engagement. 

At the same time, it sounds like part of you still loves your FI, and you two do have children, so it seems like you should at least give it a shot to see if it's something you both can work on.

Every couple, whether dating, engaged, or married goes through rough spots.  Sometimes even periods of time where the love fades.  But it can come back.  It doesn't always, but it can.  Sometimes the stresses of life just get to be too much (sounds like you're dealing with A LOT of stuff!).  It doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is over.

Either way, I hope you can find some answers and some peace! 

starfish1920

   I did not come on here for sugar coated words, its a online forum, and I lurk a lot I know these ladies don't kid glove it. I do tell my fiance how wonderful he is, today I told him two different times how great a father he was and why. I also made fun of him at the pool for attracting all the kids. I even threw him a surprise birthday party two weeks ago, even while I was thinking how much I just wanted to run away, or drink my self stupid. I smiled, and faked it. I really try to keep my feelings from interfering with my life. He tells me he knows how much I love him, he just doesn't understand me atm.

     If it had been earlier in the year, I would of laughed at him for picking out a dress for my sister, teased him, and not given it a second thought. I agree its stupid, selfish and I don't know why I go off the handle for one thing, and then not go off for it the next day. Its like I am hanging on by a thread. It takes every ounce of self control not to start randomly screaming, or go sit in the corner and cry. 

   The one and only time we used a babysitter, my oldest rammed his head so hard threw the wall he needed stiches, and a overnight in the hospital for a mild concussion. His sensory issues keep us from really having alone time. His therapist can not handle him with out us in the room. He is showing signs of improving, we even put him in daycare two times a week, but he was throwing chairs, and biting himself so badly, he was asked to not come back.

     My dr gave me Zoloft since I breastfeed, and while I seem less suicidal, I still have these huge mood swings and the drug just makes me into a zombie. I really try to break this overwhelming feeling, but not to sound stupid, its overwhelming. I have no place to vent it feels like. If I tell my mom, or sister, they tell me I am overreacting, and suggest shopping, drinking, or just sucking it up. My fiance just gets this sad look, and tries to understand, but then I feel worse for telling him. My dr just suggests I bottle feed my youngest and up my medication, and exercise. I really hate taking medication, but I have been chugging down my pills, and forcing my self to smile. 

   ETA someone deleted, but this was my response, now I can add talking to my self?

Snippylynn

Seriously, just postpone, and go to counseling. Both separately and together. You definitely are exhibiting signs of depression and you can't fix all the emotional baggage with Prozac. Get help and now.

mica178

You need to get more help.  What you are describing sounds very much like PPD, and you might need a combination of counseling and medications.  If baby #2 is already six months old, strongly consider stopping breastfeeding so that you can be on the correct medications to treat your condition.  I know that your kids respond better to you than to others, but you'll probably need to get extra help around this time so that you can take care of your own issues. 

It's fine to delay or put off the wedding if that is another source of stress for you.  But don't delay getting help.  It sounds like you need it.

kmmssg

Ditto Snippy.  Postpone.  I am sorry, but your mom and sister are giving  you horrible advice right now.  The good news is you really are recognizing signs and issues that need to be dealt with before there is any walk down the aisle.  DO NOT GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW.

What you are talking about is not wedding jitters - these are issues that affect you as a person, your FI, and your family.  They are not your fault, they just exist.  You have an overwhelming day to day life and status quo isn't working.

Stop everything and get counseling.  Together and separately.  You would be amazed at what a good counselor can do.

I am so sorry your mom and sister think you just need sleep and drugs.  They are wrong.

Also, from a MOB who breastfed her kids and it meant the world to her - if you need different antidepressants you may need to stop BFing.  If zoloft isn't working for you the way it needs to (sounds like it isn't) it is ok to wean your child so you can find the drug that will work for you.  You are a much better mom and person when you can function properly.  I just want you to know that if it comes down to it, it is a decision that should carry no guilt.  Taking care of you means being the best mom you can be.  I've taken antidepressants for 13 yrs and will for the rest of my life.  Find what works and take it.  It will make such a difference.

angelsong21

Starfish, I definitely agree with PP.  You need to postpone the wedding and get help NOW.  You are exhibiting signs of a depressive episode, and a pretty severe one at that.  You need to get in with a good psych who takes this seriously and will work with you on aggressively finding the right medication mix and treatments.  I know for me personally, it took trying 3-4 different medications before I found the one that *really* worked and gave me the breathing space I needed, and its not one that is typically prescribed.  Between that and talk therapy, the darkness finally lifted and I could be myself again.  Talk therapy is CRUCIAL -- you have so much on your plate that I have a feeling that this will be the biggest part of the puzzle for you.  I would strongly recommend that you do individual counseling for yourself and also couples counseling with your FI.

This is not cold feet.  You have serious doubts and issues on your plate right now.  Postpone the wedding -- you two do not have to give anyone a detailed reason as to why.  My heart breaks for you because the sadness in your post hit me hard when I read it -- I really hope that you make some calls today and find someone to get in with that.  As PP said, if you feel you get to a breaking point, PLEASE go to the nearest ER and get help... do not wait.

J&K10910

I want to address a couple things that I feel haven't been hit hard enough.

1.  Get counseling on your own.  Together is good as well--but you need your own therapist.  You need an outlet.  You need someone on your side (not against your H, but just an objective person that you can vent to, talk to, be 100% real with).  You need help for your own mental health before you can start working on things with your H 100%.

2.  There is help out there for you with your special needs child.  Respite care, PCA services, etc.  You just need to find it.  Contact your county social services.  They'll be able to point you in the right direction.  Raising a special needs child is HARD.  You need support.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  You work hard.  You have a lot on your plate.  And it's ok to feel stressed and overwhelmed.  You are not less of a parent if you need some extra support. 

3.  Consider postponing the wedding, if for no other reason than you've just got too much going on to give it your full attention right now. 

Good luck.  Don't forget to take care of YOU.  YOu can't properly take care of anyone else if you don't care of yourself first, and it's very easy for us to forget that.  I forget it all the time. 

Lizzieyounce

I'm going to chime in and add my support for getting help and getting it now.

My youngest was a preemie with a congenital heart defect. I was a single mother at that point and had my eldest daughter to raise too, in addition to having to face the possibility of open heart surgery on my youngest.  It was so overwhelming...

I had a break down in 2003.  I saw all of the warning signs, like you are, and didn't do anything about it (I was a single mother and working full time) until I had the melt down in the middle of my office.  It scared my co-workers (we are all very close) but I can't imagine how it would have scared my children had it happened at home.

Dealing with depression isn't easy, I'm not going to lie to you, but it can be treated.  Counseling is hard, too, BUT it is so worth it in the end.

I love that you seem to be (I don't know you so I'm going by what I've read here) a great mom.  The best way to continue that is to be as healthy, both physcally and mentally, as you can.

Please consider what Mica said about stopping breast feeding...your baby will benefit far more from having a healthy mother and not being breast fed then he will by having a mom who cannot function.

Your meds seem to be the wrong ones, and they won't fix the depression. They are supposed to make it easier for you to function and face the things you will need to face in counseling.  

I will pray for you and your family.  

starrynight84

Sorry, Starfish, I deleted. I should have just deleted inside the post. But after I posted, I read your second post and realized my advice was worthless as it seems you are battling some serious PPD. Please get the help you deserve immediately. 

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-you-know-when-its-time-to-call-it-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31a824f3-451a-400f-a376-7e2f5bbe2f16Post:42b55747-ab15-4f4e-920d-e7958f7673bc">Re: How do you know when its time to call it off?</a>:
[QUOTE]   I did not come on here for sugar coated words, its a online forum, and I lurk a lot I know these ladies don't kid glove it. I do tell my fiance how wonderful he is, today I told him two different times how great a father he was and why. I also made fun of him at the pool for attracting all the kids. I even threw him a surprise birthday party two weeks ago, even while I was thinking how much I just wanted to run away, or drink my self stupid. I smiled, and faked it. I really try to keep my feelings from interfering with my life. He tells me he knows how much I love him, he just doesn't understand me atm.      If it had been earlier in the year, I would of laughed at him for picking out a dress for my sister, teased him, and not given it a second thought. I agree its stupid, selfish and I don't know why I go off the handle for one thing, and then not go off for it the next day. Its like I am hanging on by a thread. It takes every ounce of self control not to start randomly screaming, or go sit in the corner and cry.     The one and only time we used a babysitter, my oldest rammed his head so hard threw the wall he needed stiches, and a overnight in the hospital for a mild concussion. His sensory issues keep us from really having alone time. His therapist can not handle him with out us in the room. He is showing signs of improving, we even put him in daycare two times a week, but he was throwing chairs, and biting himself so badly, he was asked to not come back.      <strong>My dr gave me Zoloft since I breastfeed, and while I seem less suicidal, I still have these huge mood swings and the drug just makes me into a zombie.</strong> I really try to break this overwhelming feeling, but not to sound stupid, its overwhelming. I have no place to vent it feels like. If I tell my mom, or sister, they tell me I am overreacting, and suggest shopping, drinking, or just sucking it up. My fiance just gets this sad look, and tries to understand, but then I feel worse for telling him. My dr just suggests I bottle feed my youngest and up my medication, and exercise. I really hate taking medication, but I have been chugging down my pills, and forcing my self to smile.     ETA someone deleted, but this was my response, now I can add talking to my self?
Posted by starfish1920[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Starfish, a good psychiatrist will help you find the right medication for you and the correct diagnosis. You do not know certainly what you are going through until you give yourself and your doctor a chance. I suffered through "depression" that didn't repond to ANY medications for YEARS until I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder, which is the less severe manifestation with shorter durations of hypomania and depression. It can also manifest with rapid cycling mood changes. So please don't take your mood lightly. Tell your doctor exactly what you are feeling and going through so that he or she can help you. I wish I had not lost the years I had because I was unable to recognize the signs of poor response to a medication.</div><div>
</div><div>I will also say that it took me a year to get completely stable, and I have been on my combination of medications for 6 years now, and I feel no shame in that, because I am happy and healthy and stable 95% of the time (I suffer little downs after marathons). I did lose a man 6 years ago, because he was unsupportive of me and told me he didn't think he was capable of committing to caring for "someone like me." So if your fiance if being more supportive than that, kudos to him.</div><div>
</div><div>Best wishes to you.

</div>

mizutamababy

It sounds like depression like PPs have discussed, but I can't help think that part of the resentment towards your FI comes from (judging by what you wrote) that he has more personal time without kids/obligations and you barely have any.  People need breaks (both mentally and physically) to function healthily.  It doesn't seem like you're getting that.  It seems like, while your FI might not be instinctively intuitive to you needing a break, he would probably be understanding if you tried communicating what you said here to him.

I think trying to set up a time each week where you can just relax and chill out would probably be really beneficial on top of the counseling, etc. that PPs suggested.

zantster

Hi Starfish.  In addition to the excellent advice given by PPs I want to suggest that if you have a spiritual outlet that has previously been a source of peace and calm when things got rough please seek those counseling and other resources out as well as the professional ones that have already been mentioned.  Perhaps a spiritual retreat where you can get away for a few days and that fits with your beliefs and feeds needs that aren't always just physical would be helpful.  Perhaps if your FI knew that you needed to get away for a long weekend on your own and then have a day or two with him and see if your  mom can help with child care for a couple days it might help clear your mind.

Also, if you have any extended family members who may or may not be blood related that have been amazing to talk to it might be worth it to get in touch with them.  Sometimes immediate family are a bit too close and someone who has the role of an aunt or grandparent can be more objective and neutral.  Lastly,  make sure that if you need to cry or scream find a place where you can do that even if it means taking a short ride to a park where maybe there's a lake and you can just sit there with your own thoughts for a few minutes and let it all out and even do some journaling since writing things down can be very cathartic.  But of course only go on your own if you are not thinking of harming yourself.  But we are individuals first and must regain our identiites sometimes.