Another Bridesmaid/Baby question

OjitosVerdes

Due to space limitations and personal preference, FI and I have decided to have an adult only ceremony and reception, with the exception of our siblings' children, who are also in the bridal party. Invites (on which only the adults names will be listed) won't go out until August, and although we've discussed this with immediate family, I don't think that news has started to circulate yet. 

One of my bridesmaids is coming from across the country, and has mentioned (via email) that she and her husband will be bringing their baby, who will be almost 2 years old at the time the wedding takes place.  

For fairness sake, we do absolutely need to enforce that only our nieces & nephews will be in attendance - FI's parents have already warned us that there is going to be backlash from his side of the family (they are local ), since there are about 30 cousins' kids that they'll probably assume they can bring.  So in order to minimize hard feelings, I don't think we can make any exceptions. 

However due to the long distance factor and the fact that BM & husband are using the wedding as a mini vacation, I wouldn't ask her to leave her baby at home. How do I let her know that she'll need to arrange child care of some sort (the venue offers a list of CPR certified sitters) for the ceremony and reception? 

I actually really wish I could make an exception - she's putting in a lot of effort to be here for me - but I don't even want to crack the can of "why could she bring her kid and WE COULDN'T" worms.  Or would children of the bridal party be an ok exception?

Thanks everyone! Kids are such a tricky thing to navigate. 

lyndausvi

I think an exception for and OOT BM is fine.   I would not even mention the exception to the in-laws.

nextrightthing

I think you should make an exception.  If people have anything to say about it, then you can tell them that you invite nieces and nephews and children of the BP.

loca4pook

I think it's worth having an exception. If she is going out of her way to fly across country to be in your wedding, I think you should compromise....I think people would understand...I really don't imagine people will give you a hard time.


If you say "no", she might not want to be come to the wedding which woudl be within her right. Are you willing to take that risk?

No new parent wants to leave their child with a babysitter they don't know...

OjitosVerdes

Thanks all - I agree with you. I just worry that with six nieces and nephews, and now with an additional BM baby bringing the total to 7, that people are going to be pi$$ed when they see a little crowd of rugrats but theirs weren't invited.  But we truly wouldn't have enough room for everyone if we opened it up to all kids. And to tell you the truth, I don't want to pay for them - the children's meals are $20+/head. 

So even though it does feel a little bit like we're picking and choosing, if anyone asks we'll just have to explain what the cutoff critera were due to space limitations and travel logistics. 

AddieCake

I think you should let her bring her baby. It's unrealistic to expect her to travel to the wedding and leave her baby with a stranger.

OjitosVerdes

Ok. Another question then. There are other people making an effort to fly cross country to be here, who will also be bringing children and are making the wedding a vacation - for example, my first cousin and his wife have told my mother they are bringing their two boys - 8 and 10.  

So what do to now? Would it be reasonable to slip a card as an insert to the invitation that reads, "certified child care can be arranged by calling XXXXX" .... or do we simply address the invite to cousin and wife and let them figure it out/contact us if they need help? 

It seemed somewhat presumptuous of them to inform my mother that the kids would be coming, but perhaps it would be just as presumptuous to pre-emptively suggest childcare in the invite. 

Ugh. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-bridesmaidbaby-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31efb7e5-18cc-4277-9789-9c38fe3d00d1Post:ccc3c16a-19ed-4e5e-ac5c-2b19b9e11204">Re: Another Bridesmaid/Baby question</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok. Another question then. There are other people making an effort to fly cross country to be here, who will also be bringing children and are making the wedding a vacation - for example, my first cousin and his wife have told my mother they are bringing their two boys - 8 and 10.   So what do to now? Would it be reasonable to slip a card as an insert to the invitation that reads, "certified child care can be arranged by calling XXXXX" .... or do we simply address the invite to cousin and wife and let them figure it out/contact us if they need help?  It seemed somewhat presumptuous of them to inform my mother that the kids would be coming, but perhaps it would be just as presumptuous to pre-emptively suggest childcare in the invite.  Ugh. 
Posted by OjitosVerdes[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Well, what did your mom say when this cousin said "hey, we're bringing the kids?" She should have said right then, "well, it's an adults-only affair, do you need a list of sitters?" If she said "Awesome!" then....it sort of implies that they are invited.

</div>

OjitosVerdes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-bridesmaidbaby-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31efb7e5-18cc-4277-9789-9c38fe3d00d1Post:b579390e-6478-4cd5-b570-3f22f3b91087">Re: Another Bridesmaid/Baby question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another Bridesmaid/Baby question : Well, what did your mom say when this cousin said "hey, we're bringing the kids?" She should have said right then, "well, it's an adults-only affair, do you need a list of sitters?" If she said "Awesome!" then....it sort of implies that they are invited.
Posted by Domino04[/QUOTE]

<div><span style="font-family:monospace;font-size:14px;line-height:16px;color:#000000;" class="Apple-style-span">Not wanting to commit us to anything, she said that we were early in the planning process and she didn't know if we'd be able to accommodate kids or not.

Another issue that we're running into is that we're getting married in southern Arizona where my FI grew up and where I moved and met him a few years ago, but my family is scattered all over the US and many have never been here.  So it sounds like a lot of people are wanting to use the wedding as an excuse to take a vacation, introduce kids to a new part of the US, etc. and I totally get that - traveling here will cost quite a bit and I'd want to maximize the trip, too. I just need to figure out a way of letting people know that we simply can't have children at the wedding or reception.  

We had to slash the guest list quite a bit to keep our numbers down to what will comfortably fit in the venue, and even so we're in danger of exceeding the capacity.  We're sending save the dates soon, and my mom said that some immediate family was already looking at air fare. So there is a chance tickets might be bought before the actual invitations go out. 

So what is the appropriate way to spread the word that while people are welcome to travel with their kids, we can't accommodate them at the wedding?  Word-of-mouth via family? Say nothing until invites are sent then deal with questions? What about letting them know about the babysitting services that the resort will set up and vouch for? 

In an ideal world, with unlimited space and an unlimited budget, we'd include everyone's kids.  But at this point accommodating them would mean cutting life long friends and maybe even other adult family members, and neither FI nor I are willing to do that. 

</span></div>

OjitosVerdes

Sorry about that crazy font - my computer is loony tonight. 

AJuliaNJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-bridesmaidbaby-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:31efb7e5-18cc-4277-9789-9c38fe3d00d1Post:9de747ac-3bbf-4662-9166-41b96454229c">Re: Another Bridesmaid/Baby question</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks all - I agree with you. I just worry that with six nieces and nephews, and now with an additional BM baby bringing the total to 7, that people are going to be pi$$ed when they see a little crowd of rugrats but theirs weren't invited.  Posted by OjitosVerdes[/QUOTE]

I would be worried about this, too. With 7 kids, it's going to be hard to explain the cutoff to other people that are traveling. I feel like your cousins might not get the rationale of why a BM can bring a baby, but family can't. I totally get your reasons so I'm not expecting you to explain it to me, but I know how family can be. I think you should explain the dilemma to your BM, and work together on possible solutions. Maybe she could have a designated babysitter just for her baby that will keep the baby with her up until the ceremony, and set up a few visiting times throughout the night. Maybe there's some other solution. Maybe there's no other solution and then you'll have to let the baby come, but be prepared for other "exceptions". Just talk to her and see what you can come up with.
 

nextrightthing

I still think it is okay to just invite children of the BP and not all out of town children.  I don't think it is proper etiquette to put a babysitter card in with the invite, but you could provide that information either through word of mouth or a wedding website. 
If you can't change things around to make room for all out of town kids, try to prepare yourself for people not coming if they cannot bring their kids.  Most people are not going to leave their children with a stranger and are not going to travel OOT without their kids. 
I agree with scribe95, this is why we are inviting children, but that's our preference anyway since we have one and want him to feel "part of." 

OjitosVerdes

The venue is set in stone, and even if we were able to find some other place that had availability (at 9 months out it's doubtful), we wouldn't want to change locations. 

Honestly, FI/me and both sets of parents are in unanimous agreement that our wedding it isn't an appropriate event for children as it is going to be formal, evening affair.  So inviting what woud literally be dozens of them (30+) isn't an option - not to mention the space and financial limitations.

After some thought I'm back to square one - I really do feel like it needs to be just nieces and nephews lest the "exceptions" spiral out of control.  I'm going to explain the tricky situatiion I'm in to my bridesmaid and ask for her suggestions as to what we can do/what she'd feel comfortable with and we'll go from there. 

Edited to add - neither of us nor any of our friends have children, minus this bridesmaid - so those kids that would be invited would include a few out of towners, but the bulk would be children of second, local cousins who could easily find a sitter. 

MsYeck

I'm confused are you saying ou have 6 children as ringbearers and flower girls? If you don't want kids at the event you need to limit it o flower girls and ringbearers and if YOU have children then your kids. No exceptions otherwise everyone will want an exception.

OjitosVerdes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-bridesmaidbaby-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31efb7e5-18cc-4277-9789-9c38fe3d00d1Post:6e46dcdc-1460-4f01-8d89-2ff08a847faf">Re: Another Bridesmaid/Baby question</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm confused are you saying ou have 6 children as ringbearers and flower girls? If you don't want kids at the event you need to limit it o flower girls and ringbearers and if YOU have children then your kids. No exceptions otherwise everyone will want an exception.
Posted by MsYeck[/QUOTE]

<div>We're planning on having 6 children in the wedding party - one flower girl, one ringbearer and 2 junior bridesmaids/junior groomsmen - all are FI's an my siblings kids (our neices and nephews) - so we're drawing the line for children at the bridal party/our sister's/brother's kids, which we happen to have combined into one group. So not really making any "exceptions" as far as picking and choosing from kids other than who we're most immediately related to and who is in our bridal party, although I can see how other people might interpret it that way. </div><div>
</div><div>I agree though that even this is tricky - ithe wedding is either appropriate for kids, or it's not.  We may have to go back to the drawing board on this and consider not making any exceptions period and having it be a strickly adults-only event. My siblings would be fine with it and would understand, but I'm fairly certain it would be a huge issue with FI's sibling's kids and woud cause a major fight.  In which case my options are, make an exception for those two kids to maintain the peace with FI's siblings and pi$$ everyone else off, or make no exceptions and have it turn into a huge issue with FI's family and still pi$$ a bunch of other people off in the process.  Wheeee! </div><div>
</div><div>Most of the wedding planning process has been a ton of fun, but the guestlist has honestly been a nightmare. </div>

MsYeck

We are doing the no exceptions route, and yes it is making fiancé birth sisters upset. Fiancé is adopted and just met bio mom and 4 half siblings less than 2 years ago. Between them there 11 kids. Our location fits 125. I'm in my mid 30's fiancé is in early 40's, lots of our friends have kids. We simply are explaining to people we had 2 options: no kids or no friends, we chose the first. One of fiancé 1/2 sister still pushed and fiance told her straight out that of kids where allowed his bio family would Unfortunatly not make the list.

OjitosVerdes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-bridesmaidbaby-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31efb7e5-18cc-4277-9789-9c38fe3d00d1Post:0505738a-19f6-495e-85f1-05f7a404cfe9">Re: Another Bridesmaid/Baby question</a>:
[QUOTE]We are doing the no exceptions route, and yes it is making fiancé birth sisters upset. Fiancé is adopted and just met bio mom and 4 half siblings less than 2 years ago. Between them there 11 kids. Our location fits 125. I'm in my mid 30's fiancé is in early 40's, lots of our friends have kids. We simply are explaining to people we had 2 options: no kids or no friends, we chose the first. One of fiancé 1/2 sister still pushed and fiance told her straight out that of kids where allowed his bio family would Unfortunatly not make the list.
Posted by MsYeck[/QUOTE]

<div>I actually love that way of handling it - "friends/adult family members or kids and we had to choose". We're mid 30's too and are somewhat lucky (from a wedding planning stance) that most of our friends don't have kids, but ALL of our siblings and cousins do. </div><div>
</div><div style="text-align:center;">*Braces for backlash from family*</div>

lovesclimbing

In Response to Re:Another Bridesmaid/Baby question:[QUOTE]Ok. Another question then. There are other people making an effort to fly cross country to be here, who will also be bringing children and are making the wedding a vacation for example, my first cousin and his wife have told my mother they are bringing their two boys 8 and 10. .nbsp;Ugh.nbsp; Posted by OjitosVerdes[/QUOTE]

I personally feel that allowing someone to bring a baby under 2 is different from allowing 8 and 10yearolds. A child under 2 years old likely doesn't need a meal. My little cousin just under two is still eating rice crackers, pieces of bread, and four or five bites of mom's meal with occasional breast feedings.

I would understand if an exception was made for a baby.

OjitosVerdes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-bridesmaidbaby-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31efb7e5-18cc-4277-9789-9c38fe3d00d1Post:aa46e38d-4390-4edd-bddb-9aa965883984">Re: Another Bridesmaid/Baby question</a>:
[QUOTE]hi there - just chiming in (and my first post here - yay!), but can you generously pay one of the older kids/teenage family members to babysit for the evening?  that way, all can still bring their children on vacation, but for the night of the wedding make arrangements for a fun pizza night dealio for all of the young kids at someone's house in town, under the care of a teenage cousin or sibling?  I'm suggesting this as someone who doesn't have kids, so take it with a grain of salt, but I remember as a kid having a lot of fun hanging with just the other kids/teenagers while the adults were out doing boring adult things!  ;-)   just an idea...
Posted by breeerin[/QUOTE]

<div>This is kind of what we were thinking, but utilizing babysitting staff that the resort provides. I know some parents wouldn't be comfortable with a stranger - certified or not - so if it were a family member that might ease some of their concerns. Although if the family member sitter were old enough to handle a bunch of kids for the evening, I'd feel bad not inviting them to the wedding. Definitely something to consider though! </div>

reisnersr

I'd say let her bring the baby. I just wouldn't go mentioning it to people before-hand. If people mention it the day of the wedding, you can almost act like you didn't know. Be like "oh well" shrug of shoulders. If you act like you didn't notice then people may assume that the BM didn't know the rule and all is forgiven- not this whole picking who can and who cannot. Just act like its not a big deal, and it won't be.

OjitosVerdes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-bridesmaidbaby-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:31efb7e5-18cc-4277-9789-9c38fe3d00d1Post:cd165aba-7b51-4f8d-982f-1187586452f8">Re: Another Bridesmaid/Baby question</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd say let her bring the baby. I just wouldn't go mentioning it to people before-hand. If people mention it the day of the wedding, you can almost act like you didn't know. Be like "oh well" shrug of shoulders. If you act like you didn't notice then people may assume that the BM didn't know the rule and all is forgiven- not this whole picking who can and who cannot. Just act like its not a big deal, and it won't be.
Posted by reisnersr[/QUOTE]

<div>I think this is probaby exactly what we'll do. We'll have seats for wedding party kids, let everyone else know that sitters will be available ,and just pretend the baby was a surprise. </div>