Advice please...

[Deleted User]

Back when we first started planning our wedding, we asked our parents for their lists of who to invite, and then combined with our lists and then of course had to start cutting people.  We never cut any people off of our parents lists (and even made sure a couple of times that they had everyone that they wanted to invite), but ended up cutting quite a few off of our list to get our numbers down to where they needed to be for budget/venue size.

Anyway, back when we sent out our save-the-dates, my fiance told me that his parents called and said that his second cousin, or some relative that has never met me and hasn't seen him since he was a young child, and their husband that live in California were really hurt that they didn't get a save-the-date and asked that they be sent an invite to the wedding.  This person was never on the list and he said he doesn't even really know them even though they are technically family.  We didn't send them a save-the-date because they weren't on his parent's list, otherwise they would have received one.  We are now starting to get ready to send our invites out and his Mom reminded him today that we need to send these people an invite.  Supposedly they told his parents that their feelings were really hurt that they weren't invited and they want an invite.  They told them that they are not planning on coming, though.  Is this weird?  Why do they need/want an invite if they don't even want to, or plan to come to the wedding.  I don't understand how they think they can just invite themselves to our wedding and practically demand an invite, but they don't even want to join us for the celebration.  Has anyone else had a similiar situation?  If so, what did you do?  Should we send them one?  If we do, should we also include a RSVP card and wedding website enclosure, or should we just give them the invite they seem to so desperately need? I feel like if we send them one then they are technically invited and we can't really do anything if they change their mind and decide to come.  It would only be a couple of extra people, but like I said before we had to cut a lot of people that we really wanted there because of space/money and I feel like it's rude that they are inviting themselves.  Any advice on what to do?  Sorry this is kinda long.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-please-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:329f7361-8b4d-4065-b3f6-25cb941049d3Post:0b306851-ee52-4350-ab6b-406c515cba15">Advice please...</a>:
[QUOTE]Back when we first started planning our wedding, we asked our parents for their lists of who to invite, and then combined with our lists and then of course had to start cutting people.  We never cut any people off of our parents lists (and even made sure a couple of times that they had everyone that they wanted to invite), but ended up cutting quite a few off of our list to get our numbers down to where they needed to be for budget/venue size. Anyway, back when we sent out our save-the-dates, my fiance told me that his parents called and said that his second cousin, or some relative that has never met me and hasn't seen him since he was a young child, and their husband that live in California were really hurt that they didn't get a save-the-date and asked that they be sent an invite to the wedding.  This person was never on the list and he said he doesn't even really know them even though they are technically family.  We didn't send them a save-the-date because they weren't on his parent's list, otherwise they would have received one.  We are now starting to get ready to send our invites out and his Mom reminded him today that we need to send these people an invite.  Supposedly they told his parents that their feelings were really hurt that they weren't invited and they want an invite.  They told them that they are not planning on coming, though.  Is this weird?  Why do they need/want an invite if they don't even want to, or plan to come to the wedding.  I don't understand how they think they can just invite themselves to our wedding and practically demand an invite, but they don't even want to join us for the celebration.  Has anyone else had a similiar situation?  If so, what did you do?  Should we send them one?  If we do, should we also include a RSVP card and wedding website enclosure, or should we just give them the invite they seem to so desperately need? <strong>I feel like if we send them one then they are technically invited and we can't really do anything if they change their mind and decide to come.  It would only be a couple of extra people, but like I said before we had to cut a lot of people that we really wanted there because of space/money and I feel like it's rude that they are inviting themselves. </strong> Any advice on what to do?  Sorry this is kinda long.
Posted by Mel682[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The bolded part is exactly right.  They were rude, end of story.  Don't send them an invite.

</div>

Mrw218

You are right.... If you invite them you would have to accept it if they changed their minds. Did you invite all his 2nd cousins? Who is paying for the wedding? I have a large family and wouldn't have minded leaving a few of my cousins out all of them my fi has never met. However I did not want to cause family strife over one cousin I don't like so I invited him and as expected he didn't even respond. I would say if his parents are paying and they said invite them and aren't expecting you to cut someone else and it wont open a door for 30 other ppl to have grounds for an invite then do it

willywally5

It is incredibly rude to ask to be invited. And just plain old crazy if you aren't intending to come to the event anyway. 

No invite for them. It opens up way too much in the can o' worms department.

meganb1977

Agreed that they seem to be inviting themselves.  And it's petty that they're making such an issue of it if they weren't planning on attending.  You and your fiance have every right to stand firm that your guest list was etched in stone and you can't make any exceptions.  If their feelings are hurt, that's their problem.

That said, if your fiance's parents are paying for the wedding, if this was the only second cousin (or whatever degree the relationship is) who was not invited, or if it was a matter of your fiance's parents saying, "Oh, shoot, we should have included this person on our list," I might make an exception just for this second cousin, but fiance should then set a firm boundary with his parents regarding any further exceptions.

[Deleted User]

Mrw218- My parents are paying for the wedding except for a few small things that we are paying for ourselves.  His parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and are paying for airfare/hotel for our honeymoon.  We are not inviting any other second cousins on his side and am not sure if this will open up for more people thinking they can invite themselves as well.  I really don't want to cause any family issues, but can't help but keep thinking how rude it is and something that I would never do.  Thanks for the advice.

Mrs.B6302007

So they're not planning on coming but want an invitation at their request so that they'll feel better about not being invited?   That's just stupid.

Summer2011Bride

I wouldn't send an invitation. They were rude to invite themselves, and since they can't come anyway, it seems a moot point. I would not contact them directly unless they contact you. If FI's parents keep bringing it up, I'd tell them, 'Sorry, but we can't invite everybody, and they were not on the original list."

RebeccaB88

ITA with the others - they are beyond rude and should not get an invitation. If they were that important, they would have appeared on someone's original list.

If they get upset about it and cause drama and you need to try to keep some kind of peace, then tell them they must choose someone on their original list (who did not receive a save the date) to cut so that these rude people can be invited.

But I would stand my ground and not invite them.  They'll get over it.

whitsy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-please-13?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:329f7361-8b4d-4065-b3f6-25cb941049d3Post:5bcad64f-0cbd-46dd-8f3c-c7d807d0ae8e">Re: Advice please...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Advice please... : The bolded part is exactly right.  They were rude, end of story.  Don't send them an invite.
Posted by Beachy730[/QUOTE]

<div>This exactly. People seriously have nerve.</div>

lauraanne9

I agree.  Don't send the invite.  And if they insist, I would say that you are out of the components to put together an invitation as all were used on your guest list.  They may be the type to challenge that, if they are so rudea s to ask to be invited, but stand your ground on that one.

Mrw218

Yep then I agree w everyone else. It's rude to invite yourself. No other 2 nd cousins are coming so you could just explain it is all or nothing and you can't afford to invite all. I also think it is rude of individuals to add to guest list without consulting the paying party. I mean it is a give and take so your parents shouldn't dictate every guest but if your fi didn't have them on the list and thinks this is ridiculous then nope nope nope.

[Deleted User]

Thank you all for your advice.  It has made me feel better about the way I feel about the situation.  I really appreciate it!  I am hoping that they won't keep bringing it up because I really would like to avoid all drama.

BostonGIrl4732

A person who works with my FI's brother asked for an invite to our wedding.  Out of principle I will not be inviting this woman who neither my FI or I have ever met.  It's rude to ask for an invite to a wedding.  I personally wouldn't invite them.