Seperate shower/party for uninvited

jcerda

Let me start off by saying that I am not for this, but wanted to see what etiquette is on it...

My future MIL wants to have a shower/party for us after the wedding for those individuals that were cut from the wedding invite list. I believe it is in poor form to do something of the sort. It was then proposed to me that it could be called a "party" not a "shower/party" and questioned whether this would be okay. We are getting married locally and inviting 150 people to the wedding and cut about 100 people off the initial list.  We are paying for the wedding and my MIL offered to pay for the additional "party". 

Thoughts/opinions???

GretchenLaRoux

Why is your MIL offering to pay for these people for a whole other party, when she could just contribute that to the wedding and then they can just come to the wedding? It doesn't even make sense.

If it's just a "party" and not wedding-related at all, I think it's ok. If it's a separate "reception" for uninvited people, that's hella rude.

RaptorSLH

Family party is OK.

Do-over second reception is not OK.

Gift giving event like shower is both greedy and not OK.

Loopyseven

If your MIL wants to have a party, she can have a party and invite anyone she likes.  As long as it has nothing to do with your wedding, it's fine.

Simply Fated

A second reception for those who weren't invited to the actual reception is a really crappy consolation prize. I would decline, if I were the bride. I mean, do you want to go and face all those people you cut from your list and thank them for coming to the B-List reception/shower that is not being called a shower? So awkward.

jcerda

Our venue only holds 160 people which is one of the reasons why the guest list was trimmed. The second and more important reason is that we didn't want a wedding with over 250 people which is why we are fine with the limitations of the venue. It was phrased to me as... "mom wants to throw us a shower/party and invite those that aren't being invited to the wedding." and this event would be after the wedding occurred. Apparently some of her aquaintances/friends are asking about the wedding and she informed them that we (my FI and I) are handling the guest list. My MIL is the type that doesn't want to "hurt anyone's feelings", and I believe that this is where the "let's have a seperate event" is coming from.

GretchenLaRoux

Ah, yeah, venue limitations. That makes sense now. Point remains-- post-wedding party is ok if it's a party rather than a second reception, and definitely not a shower.

Loopyseven

Nope... definitely decline her offer then.

kmmssg

Another vote for declining her offer.  She sounds like she is trying to do something sweet, but it is misguided.  Gently tell her that you and FI are not comfortable with inviting anyone to a "after the wedding" party because is isn't proper etiquette.  Nicely explain to her that if people are not invited to the wedding  they aren't invited to anything.

RaptorSLH

She could have a family reunion, to reconnect with these people.

If they are going to be offended by not being invited to the wedding (which would be out of line, but some people are like that) a second-teir reception isn't going to cut it.  Not only would it be rude, but it wouldn't serve the purpose she's hoping anyway.

Simply Fated

Every venue has a guest limitation. Unless you hold your wedding at a state park or something, I guess. My point is, you're in the same boat as a lot off other brides who had to make cuts, so don't worry about that. As raptor said, a second tier reception isn't going to mend the wounds. Let your FMIL continue to pass the buck into you and your FI. But don't let her involve you in her train wreck of an idea. If you really do want to celebrate with these people, your only other proper option is to find a venue that allows more people.

[Deleted User]

We had a 2nd reception due to my H being English and our wedding was in my hometown.  MIL threw us the 2nd reception so friends and family who couldn't make it to Philadelphia could celebrate the wedding with us.

Well it turned out she just wanted to have control over a wedding and it was a mess.  I really, really wish we didn't do it at all.  She should have thrown herself a 50th b-day party and called it a day instead of dragging us into a tacky party.  

Anyway, my advice from someone who has been on the receiving end of a horrible party as a gift.  PASS.  Run away!  I am so embarrassed that I invited people to that reception, people flew in from the US.  On the upside I got to wear my dress a second time and took some great pictures before the party started.

RebeccaB88

Decline the party.  Nothing says you care about someone quite as much as inviting them to the 'not good enough' party.  No need to remind them that they weren't included. 

ootmother2

Frankly, I'd like a bit of what your FMIL has been smoking that makes her think that this could possibly be appropriate.

tia

divadancer11

I would decline!!!!! That is in very poor taste