HELP! Future MIL is being moved to hospice...what do I do?

scrouch7

My future mother in law was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and by recently I mean less than a month ago.  She had a very aggressive cancer and we have been informed by the doctors that there is nothing they can do and the time we have left with her is a few weeks at most.

My fiance and I were engaged last December and our wedding is 38 days away.  Everything is done.  All the invites were out and people had booked flights and hotels.  Everything is booked and ready.  The deadline for the RSVPs has passed and we are now in the call and harass people phase about getting them back to us.  This was all done before any of us knew my future mother in law was sick.

I have no idea what to do.  I am overwhelmed by incredible guilt everytime I so much as update my RSVP list because his mother is dying and here I am planning a party that is supposed be the happiest day of my life.  I feel awful.  Girls are supposed to enjoy planning their wedding and in my busiest months of wedding prep I can't even bring myself to really talk about it with my FI.  I just work on it with my bridesmaids because seeing his face when he realizes his mother won't be there rips my heart out.

I can't really cancel anything at this point because it is a little over a month away.  It is so far along and I don't think she wants me to.  She hasn't really said so but she does tell me what a beautiful bride I am going to be.  I would feel about three inches tall asking her if she wants this whole thing to move forward so I haven't yet. 

When she was just going to be sick we had planned on skyping her to the wedding because she wasn't going to be able to go while in treatment.  But now we don't even know if she is going to be with us at all. 

What do I do?  Any advice?  Anyone been in this situation before?

All help is appreciated. 

Sarah

Maggie0829

What does your FI want to do?

You are not close enough that you can't cancel everything and reschedule.  Will this mean losing out on your depostis?  Yes.  Will it also mean contacting everyone you invited and telling them your wedding has been postponed?  Yes.  But it can be done.

I think you need to talk with your FI.  This is his Mother and only he can tell you what he wants to do.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  Just be strong for your FI and listen to him.

arendiva

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-future-mil-is-being-moved-to-hospicewhat-do-i-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:32fe099d-e045-4f06-9c7a-16c8f157109cPost:4c4f83b9-ae92-412f-a47c-e9fc5cf2dd30">Re: HELP! Future MIL is being moved to hospice...what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]What does your FI want to do? You are not close enough that you can't cancel everything and reschedule.  Will this mean losing out on your depostis?  Yes.  Will it also mean contacting everyone you invited and telling them your wedding has been postponed?  Yes.  But it can be done. I think you need to talk with your FI.  This is his Mother and only he can tell you what he wants to do. I am so sorry that you are going through this.  Just be strong for your FI and listen to him.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]


If guests have arleady booked flights than the OP isn't the only one who is going to lose money if the wedding is cancelled. Depending on how far the guests are flying in from that could be several hundred dollars down the drain for them. I can see why the OP doesn't want to cancel.

An idea (not sure how this would be considered ettiquetewise) is that you could do the rehersal early and make it a dress rehersal. That way his mom can see you both dressed up and can hear what your ceremony would be like. I know that's not the same as being at the actual wedding but it is at least something.

lac1583

Definitely talk to your fiance. And take his wants into consideration.

My sister was actually in a very similar position.She was having a destination wedding, where travel, rooms, EVERYTHIG had been booked. Her fiance's mom got a terminal diagnosis for cancer two months before the wedding. about two weeks before the wedding, she took a turn for the worse. I think it was absolutely dreadful that they actually postponed the wedding until after she had died. She died two weeks after their original wedding date and they had their stupid "perfect" (minus the groom's mother) wedding three months later. Her fiance, wanted to move the wedding up and keep it local so that his mother could witness it, my sister basically said "F that! I want MY dream destination wedding."

If it were my mother that had gotten a terminal illness, I would take the hit for the deposits, screw all the other guest, bump the wedding up, and by George, she would be there to see me get married!

misshart00

I definitely agree to talk to your FI. My H's grandma who he was very close to died 6 days before out wedding and several states away. I asked him if I needed to start calling people but he told me the wedding would still happen. He got on a plane the next day and was back two days before our wedding. It was very stressful but we made it work. With all that said, you can still cancel if you need/want to. You will lose your deposits, but sometimes vendors will let you transfer the deposit to another date if they're available. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope it works out.

ladycirce

Wow - I am so sorry you are going through this.  definitely talk to your fiance.  And I agree, it can still be cancelled if that is what you decide.  But if you have even a semi-good relationship with your MIL...I would talk to her as well about how she can still be part of your wedding.  Some suggestions:

1.  Get your license now and a friendly justice of the peace/judge/minister and the 2 of you get married NOW in her presence...in 38 days you can have the wedding and the party

2.  I would ask her if she still wants to be part of the planning with you.  Some people might want to focus on their life and tying up all their loose ends.  But ask her if she wants to be part of the details.  Just because she is in hospice doesn't mean she can't help make decisions.  Bring her pictures of the hairstyles you are considering, flower samples from the florist, cake from the caketasting.  Don't give up the things you want but the more you incorporate of her suggestions, the more your fiancee may feel his mother's presence on your special day.

Hopefully she will still be with you on your special day!

scrouch7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-future-mil-is-being-moved-to-hospicewhat-do-i-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:32fe099d-e045-4f06-9c7a-16c8f157109cPost:03c54801-675a-4c55-8d37-019c8e80619d">Re: HELP! Future MIL is being moved to hospice...what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP! Future MIL is being moved to hospice...what do I do? : If guests have arleady booked flights than the OP isn't the only one who is going to lose money if the wedding is cancelled. Depending on how far the guests are flying in from that could be several hundred dollars down the drain for them. I can see why the OP doesn't want to cancel. An idea (not sure how this would be considered ettiquetewise) is that you could do the rehersal early and make it a dress rehersal. That way his mom can see you both dressed up and can hear what your ceremony would be like. I know that's not the same as being at the actual wedding but it is at least something.
Posted by arendiva[/QUOTE]

 If it weren't for the travelling friends I would eat my deposits and reschedule everything but about 1/3 of our guests have made travel arrangements already and I have enough guilt in my life right now.

We are looking into this option right now.  A friend of ours is authorized to perform my marriages so we are going to float this idea to the rest of the family and see what they think of a dressed up civil ceremony.  She can't really leave the house at this point so she can't go to any wedding that isn't in her home.

scrouch7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-future-mil-is-being-moved-to-hospicewhat-do-i-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:32fe099d-e045-4f06-9c7a-16c8f157109cPost:39967f49-a04f-43c0-9298-0f99c2f7bd9c">Re: HELP! Future MIL is being moved to hospice...what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]2.  I would ask her if she still wants to be part of the planning with you.  Some people might want to focus on their life and tying up all their loose ends.  But ask her if she wants to be part of the details.  Just because she is in hospice doesn't mean she can't help make decisions.  Bring her pictures of the hairstyles you are considering, flower samples from the florist, cake from the caketasting.  Don't give up the things you want but the more you incorporate of her suggestions, the more your fiancee may feel his mother's presence on your special day. Hopefully she will still be with you on your special day!
Posted by ladycirce[/QUOTE]

I love this idea.  I just put the 120 shower pictures my MOH took over the weekend on my ipad so that I can show them to her when I go see her tonight.  Maybe I will update my pinterest board with the pics the venue sent over of the flowers so she can see those too.   This may make her feel a little better too.

OliveOilsMom

I'm sorry you are going through this.  But as painful as it will be, you need to discuss this with your FI.  It's his mother and it's probably something he has thought about, just maybe not said anything to you.

Support him as much as you can.  If he wants to cancel the wedding, call your vendors asap and ask if you can just move your date, explaining the situation.  That may keep your deposits in tact and not forfeited.  Your vendors may be very understanding, given the extenuating circumstances.

What I suggest, is to get your marriage license now and have a small ceremony where MIL will be present.  Keep your original date and vendors.  You will change your current ceremony to a vow renewal.  I'm sure under the circumstances, people will not be upset that they are witnessing a vow renewal and not the wedding ceremony.  I would not side eye this at all.

AdeleDazeem

I agree with Olive.  If I were in this position, I'd get married with my parents and his parents present immediately. I'd bring in some elements of the wedding day on this rushed date (get a bouquet in your flowers, get your hair done, something! 

Then, we'd have a wonderful party with all of our out of town friends and family on our original wedding date as planned. 

It would be a hell of a lot more important to me to have his mother present and alive at our legal wedding than anything else.

scrouch7

My FI just called me to tell me that he discussed this with his mother and she wants the wedding to go on as planned.  He agrees with her. Apparently she said that knowing her son was going to have someone to share his life with a person that cared enough to feel guilty gave her a lot of comfort. 

OliveOilsMom - Your plan is now our current plan, barring unforseen circumstances.  I think that will be the best way to handle it for now. 

I appreciate all the contructive advice I have gotten so far.  It is nice to know that you are all out there and ready to offer up such good advice.

gailpete

I'm sorry you and your FI are going through this.  I lost my mom to lung cancer and it is a hard road. 

Talk to your FI and his mom about what they want to do.  When my mom went into hospice the doctors said she had a month at the most, 9 months later she finally lost the battle.  FI's mom may want you to keep things as planned and it might give her the strength to hold on for a little longer.  The human spirit is an amazing thing.  This is definitely a decision that she needs to be included in.  Like the others, I certainly wouldn't side eye a civil ceremony in mom's presence and then going forward with your orignal plans in 38 days.

My thoughts are with you and your FI and his mom.

Maggie0829

OP, I think what you have planned and seeing that everyone is on board with it is the best path to take.

Just know that even if you do have to cancel the vow renewal and party that your guests will understand.  Travel reservations can be adjusted, wedding plans can be adjusted, but grieving time cannot.  I know that you are just trying to make the best out of a bad situation but just know that if you need to cancel everyone will understand.  Life happens, things change, and everyone will need to adjust if necessary.

jmorgan22

OP, I was in a similar situation as your FI. Four months ago my father died after a very short (2 wks) and unexpected illness. My FI and I had discussed having a private ceremony in my father's ICU room, but he fell into a coma before we could get the paperwork together. It is something that I regret very much. We are moving forward with our wedding next month, but I can't help but feel that the situation is very bittersweet.

Good luck; I wish you and your FI the best during these difficult times.

Fancypantsamy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-future-mil-is-being-moved-to-hospicewhat-do-i-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:32fe099d-e045-4f06-9c7a-16c8f157109cPost:74b5f98a-1d63-4877-ba55-16822c90aeaa">Re: HELP! Future MIL is being moved to hospice...what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI just called me to tell me that he discussed this with his mother and she wants the wedding to go on as planned.  He agrees with her. Apparently she said that knowing her son was going to have someone to share his life with a person that cared enough to feel guilty gave her a lot of comfort.  OliveOilsMom - Your plan is now our current plan, barring unforseen circumstances.  I think that will be the best way to handle it for now.  I appreciate all the contructive advice I have gotten so far.  It is nice to know that you are all out there and ready to offer up such good advice.
Posted by scrouch7[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>There is a really great chapter in A Practical Wedding's planning book about going forward with your wedding in a time of crisis. If you have a kindle, PM me and I'll loan it to you. I'm so sorry for you and your FI. </div><div>
</div><div>Also check out their page, apracticalwedding.com - they've been a life saver for me they probably have some good articles dealing with this stuff. </div>

loca4pook

I had a friend who had this happen and what she decided to do was that her and husband had someone marry them quickly in front of her father so he could "witness" it but she had the regular wedding at the scheduled time..now, of course, that is a big decision for you to do something like that, but it's just an idea

violet355

first, so sorry that you guys have to go through this, at all, never mind right before your wedding.

my mom's best friend also just passed away a couple months ago, i had a good cry when i made a master address list and had to skip her name.  this stuff is tough, but you'll pull together.  just be prepared that things are going to get worse before they get better.  but they do get better, it gets easier.  just cherish these last memories you'll get to make together.  and pray that maybe she'll make it and you guys can skpe her in...miracles can happen!

::internet hugs::

Scaponigro

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-future-mil-is-being-moved-to-hospicewhat-do-i-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:32fe099d-e045-4f06-9c7a-16c8f157109cPost:f90f57be-2be9-402e-8787-1bf6e6f070ed">Re: HELP! Future MIL is being moved to hospice...what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry you are going through this.  But as painful as it will be, you need to discuss this with your FI.  It's his mother and it's probably something he has thought about, just maybe not said anything to you. Support him as much as you can.. What I suggest, is to get your marriage license now and have a small ceremony where MIL will be present.  Keep your original date and vendors.  You will change your current ceremony to a vow renewal.  I'm sure under the circumstances, people will not be upset that they are witnessing a vow renewal and not the wedding ceremony.  I would not side eye this at all.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.

reppunzel

It sounds like you have a plan, and there's nothing I would add to the above advice, but your post brought me to tears, and I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the pain that you and FI are dealing with.  You and your family/in laws will be in my thoughts and prayers.

::internet hug::

tjah

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-future-mil-is-being-moved-to-hospicewhat-do-i-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:32fe099d-e045-4f06-9c7a-16c8f157109cPost:39967f49-a04f-43c0-9298-0f99c2f7bd9c">Re: HELP! Future MIL is being moved to hospice...what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow - I am so sorry you are going through this.  definitely talk to your fiance.  And I agree, it can still be cancelled if that is what you decide.  But if you have even a semi-good relationship with your MIL...I would talk to her as well about how she can still be part of your wedding.  Some suggestions: 1.  Get your license now and a friendly justice of the peace/judge/minister and the 2 of you get married NOW in her presence...in 38 days you can have the wedding and the party 2.  I would ask her if she still wants to be part of the planning with you.  Some people might want to focus on their life and tying up all their loose ends.  But ask her if she wants to be part of the details.  Just because she is in hospice doesn't mean she can't help make decisions.  Bring her pictures of the hairstyles you are considering, flower samples from the florist, cake from the caketasting.  Don't give up the things you want but the more you incorporate of her suggestions, the more your fiancee may feel his mother's presence on your special day. Hopefully she will still be with you on your special day!
Posted by ladycirce[/QUOTE]

THIS! She is probably hoping against hope to see her son married before she passes; many people hold on weeks past expected dates if there is something worth holding on for. She may still be able to skype in to an unofficial ceremony. But either way, bring the ceremony to her with just the absolutely most important people so she can still be a part of it. Then let her continue to have a part in the planning for the reception, etc. and still have her skype in if she is still around by then, and if that is what she wants.