Invite Bridesmaid's Abusive Boyfriend?

Shoegal12681

One of my bridesmaids has a very abusive boyfriend who she keeps going back to, which my fiance and I are less pleased about.  She has a very co-dependant relationship, and goes back and forth between complaining about how horrible he is, and then to being defensive if I complain about him.  I told her that he is not welcome at our wedding for a variety of reasons, and she flipped out saying that I am not taking into consideation that they are in a "serious relationship".  Am I completely out of line for saying that someone who has literally broken my friend's bones is not welcome at our wedding?

AmoroAgain

Not inviting him to your wedding isn't going to change their relationship, and will instead lead to her either not attending, or driving a huge wedge into  your relationship with her.  You may not like him, but you have to decide what is most important: maintaining your friendship with her so you can be there when she really needs you, or taking a stand and alienating her so that she may not even attend your wedding either.

akhensley81

I agree with Amoro.. you run the risk of her dropping out of the wedding entirely if you push too hard that her BF isn't invited.

Is your relationship with her close enough, that you would feel comfortable talking to her about this?

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-bridesmaids-abusive-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3374fa13-a922-4b69-b5d8-1beb7aabec33Post:81a765ed-14eb-4111-a23c-ac701e5f08cc">Invite Bridesmaid's Abusive Boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids has a very abusive boyfriend who she keeps going back to, which my fiance and I are less pleased about.  She has a very co-dependant relationship, and goes back and forth between complaining about how horrible he is, and then to being defensive if I complain about him.  I told her that he is not welcome at our wedding for a variety of reasons, and she flipped out saying that I am not taking into consideation that they are in a "serious relationship".  Am I completely out of line for saying that someone who has literally broken my friend's bones is not welcome at our wedding?
Posted by Shoegal12681[/QUOTE]

Ditto others. 
She's in a relationship with him even if he is a douchebag of extreme proportions. It wasn't okay to tell her he wasn't welcome.  THat's just going to alienate her and she needs all the positive support and relationships she can get.

Additionally, have you been trying to help to get her OUT of the relationship?  Has she been to counseling? Have the police been involved?  Worry about your friend's safety instead of whether or not he's coming to the wedding.  Of course, chances are good that he won't because he'll be somewhere else that day.  Like JAIL!

banana468

I'm going to echo B here on all accounts.

JadziaDax

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-bridesmaids-abusive-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3374fa13-a922-4b69-b5d8-1beb7aabec33Post:f36bd78b-3f2c-4186-a291-ec39c1c246c3">Re: Invite Bridesmaid's Abusive Boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to echo B here on all accounts.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Yes, she said it perfectly.

baystateapple

Your wedding isn't the place to take a stance on their relationship.  I can completely sympathize with you -- FI's sweet younger cousin was (up until a month ago) married to a complete douchebag who treated her like scum.  She got up the nerve to file for divorce and got a restraining order, so it's all worked out.  But up until a month ago, we were resigned to inviting her WITH the scumbag. 

If you refuse to invite someone's significant other, no matter how much you dislike them and no matter how much it's merited, you're not just insulting the douchebag, you're insulting your friend, or at least her choice in SOs.  Chances are, you won't even notice that he's there.  And your wedding is over 10 months away, a lot can happen in 10 months.  This might even be a non-issue by then.

kaederose

I agree with all the other posters.  The only exception to this rule is if the boyfriend/girlfriend has the potential to become a danger to your guests.  I mean the physically dangerous type.  We have something like that situation, and valuing the safety of others over one person's relationship is more important.

If you can, talk to your friend in a calm, non-threatening way.  Ask questions, let her know how you feel and make sure she knows that you want her to be there.  If her boyfriend coming is a requirement, then so be it.  Your decision is to tolerate the boyfriend or let your friend know that he will not be welcome even if she refuses to come because of it.  Her choice is to listen to you or not when you express your concern and the reasons for it.

jmkes

Yeah, I'm gonna go with the other ladies.  I'm totally getting that you don't want a dirtbag like him around - I wouldn't either.  But your friend will feel like you are rejecting her too.  If their relationship is that co-dependent then she feels like they are one in the same, connected if you will.  Are there going to be police or security present at your venue?  I'd give them a heads up and if he starts acting the fool he should get booted out of your reception.  GL!

tldh

I agree with everyone else.  Something else to keep in mind is that abusers try to isolate their victim from their family and friends.  By throwing out there that he's not invited, you're helping him do this - she's siding with him.  You have to try to help, like the others have said.  Most importantly though, your friend has to know that she can turn to you when she comes to her senses without any lectures or I Told You So.

marisah83

I agree with everyone else.  If you refuse to let him attend, you are only running the risks of her not coming to the wedding and losing her as a friend.  She'll still be with him.  What she really needs from you is support and encouragement to get out of something so dangerous.  It is hard to leave an abusive relationship, and she needs all of the support she can get.

heyimbren

Just another thought to add in (the other girls have all given good advice and opinions)...

If their relationship is so co-dependent, even if she did opt to come to your wedding without him, how do you think HE'S going to feel about that? If you tell him he can't come you leave her with two options:
1) Refuse to come to the wedding without him (which she is in line to do as they are a couple even if he is a jerk);
2) Come to your wedding anyways. I have a feeling her BF would not be pleased at all, and if he's that dangerous with her, I think you're putting her in a really difficult position.

Beachy730

However you feel about him, he is still her BF, and by her choosing to stay by his side, you still need to respect them as a couple, as hard as it is.
I was in a simliar situation with a friend of mine.  Her BF is a total douche.  He knocked up his ex while they were together, has kicked her door down before when she wasn't answering it, constantly lies and she has caught him, yet she always takes him back.  I really hoped he didn't come to the wedding with her, especially since they were broken up when the invites went out.  I sent it to her with a +1.  She went on a few dates with a different guy and planned on bringing the new guy, and then they broke it off and she went back to the douche, and unfortunately brought him to the wedding.  I didn't like it, but its her call.  I said hi to him and TY for coming when we went to all the tables, but that was it.  It didn't ruin my wedding that he was there at all.

I would be more concerned with your friends safety and try and convince her to get counseling and help. 

Shoegal12681

thanks everyone for the advice!  as much as i can't stand being around him (he's rude to us as well), I'll try to have a talk with her about it.  the good thing is, our reception location requires us to have security guards on duty if we serve alcohol, so hopefully if there are any problems we can just have him removed.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I was in the same situation. My BFF/BM was in a terrible relationship with a guy who was a huge jackass. He was the one person I wasn't excited about inviting to my wedding, but I was going to suck it up and do it because I had to. (But he was the kind of guy who would decide he "didn't feel like going" and stay home last minute, then yell at her for going somewhere without him.) Long story and a restraining order later, they haven't been together since January, so I didn't have to worry about it.

Hopefully she'll come around eventually, but don't cut her off right now. She'll need you when she's ready to leave.

MrsNash2be

I think a lot of us have dealt with the sh*tty boyfriend situation.  Hopefully your friend will see the light soon, but in the meantime there's not much you can do except tell her you don't want to talk about him.  Like, ever.  About the wedding, the bottom line is this: do you want your friend there or not? Because they are not married or engaged, it is not improper to not invite him.   But, it sounds like she may not come without her BF, so if it is really important to that she attends, then it looks like you're gonna have to invite him. 

Shoegal12681

Perhaps when I forewarn her of the required security guards, he will be too afraid to come anyway.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-bridesmaids-abusive-boyfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3374fa13-a922-4b69-b5d8-1beb7aabec33Post:81a765ed-14eb-4111-a23c-ac701e5f08cc">Invite Bridesmaid's Abusive Boyfriend?</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids has a very abusive boyfriend who she keeps going back to, which my fiance and I are less pleased about.  She has a very co-dependant relationship, and goes back and forth between complaining about how horrible he is, and then to being defensive if I complain about him.  I told her that he is not welcome at our wedding for a variety of reasons, and she flipped out saying that I am not taking into consideation that they are in a "serious relationship".  Am I completely out of line for saying that someone who has literally <strong>broken my friend's bones</strong> is not welcome at our wedding?
Posted by Shoegal12681[/QUOTE]

I'll have to disagree with the PP's; if what you say is accurate (i.e. this guy has broken her bones from physical assault), that person would not only not be welcome in my presence but I'd be inclined to get my groomsmen together and drag him out back for a real beating, and honestly that's not what I want to be thinking about during my wedding or reception nor should I or my FI be put in the situation where we spend the evening of our wedding seeing this guy and wondering whether one of the bridesmaids is going to get beat up after the reception, and the thought would cross my mind a lot more with him there than it would if worse comes to worse and neither one of them attend.

Someone who has battered your friend seriously enough to break her bones should be in jail, not at your wedding enjoying a 'thank you' meal and drinks, and if that means she doesn't get the support she needs from you for a day, well, I think being selfish for one day of your life is not going to end the world.  Just try to spend as much time as you can with her leading up to it, get other friends involved, give her as much attention and support as you can, but I'd personally never let that poor excuse for a man attend my wedding.

banana468

Vegas, I'd love to agree.

Unfortunately most abusive people don't take kindly to people standing up and driving a wedge between them and the people they control.   So they retaliate and act worse to the person involved than before.