Another dilemma re inviting everyone's kids...

Melanie2012

I have no problem with the idea of kids at my wedding.  I love kids.  Here's an issue that's begun to emerge, however (excuse the long wind-up; I'll get to the point eventually):

My wedding is already shaping up to be a big one.  FI's family is quite small, and our list of close friends will be small as well...but my parents are divorced and each remarried, which means I have four parents, which means my family is ginormous.  My dad, who will be helping pay for the wedding, has decided we need to invite all his cousins.  His family is definitely the largest of all my parents' families, so we're talking a couple dozen cousins here (my paternal grandmother has 6 sisters, which explains this) - plus spouses.  I don't have a problem with that in theory.  These are people whose names I don't remember half the time, but they're cool people. 

However, when you factor in their kids, the guest list just becomes obnoxious.  It's going to become impossible to find a venue that will accommodate the number, first of all.  Second, my dad has yet to join the 21st century as it relates to the cost of a wedding (in Southern California, no less...hello...)  So he's not exactly willing to cough up the extra money to cover their kids (and most of the kids are pre-teens or young teens, so for the most part they'd each cost the same as any other adult, for the purposes of food).

Dad's solution? -- Just don't invite the kids.

Fine, in theory, even though it makes me feel awful.  And I know, if there's going to be a no-kids approach, there shouldn't be any exceptions made.

The problem?  There are a couple of guests who live out of town and have young kids - but they're people with whom I'm fairly close, and I would hate for a no-kids policy to be the reason they can't come.  But realistically, no way are my cousins who live in Oregon going to leave their 4 year-old kid there for a weekend.  Locals can fairly easily arrange for childcare.  But out-of-towners, not so much.  We're only talking about a few people here...but I'd be so very sad if they couldn't come because of this issue.

Have any of you ever been faced with a situation remotely like this?  How did you handle it?

(Truly, I'd like to be able to just tell my dad, "If I can't remember their names, they're not on the list."  But in fairness to him, I am inviting my mom's cousins, and they are definitely not negotiable, as I am quite close to them.)

Sigh.  My big fat Irish wedding.

Pink7781

My dad pulled something similar and invited his 20 cousins plus their spouses at the last minute so I feel your pain there.

This may go against the grain here but I would just invite the cousins without their kids. You don't have to have an all or none policy when it comes to kids, you just have to have a clearly defined cut off for which kids are invited. There is no reason in my mind why you should have to invite your father's cousins' children though.

Summer2011Bride

I think you have two options. If you are very insistent on having the kids, you'll have to pay for them yourselves (and I mean all the kids). You are right that there shouldn't be exceptions made. OR you have to invite your OOT guests without their kids and risk them not coming. They may make arrangements to have a sitter if they really want to come. Otherwise, you are right, it really isn't fair to invite only their kids, and there may be resentment amongst other guests who had to leave their children at home.

KateG528

One idea I thought about doing was hiring a trustworthy babysitter (or 2) for the kids of out of town guests. It would probably cost less to just hire them a babysitter to watch them all at x-location than to pay for all of them to eat so this is an alternative.  I understand your frustration, and hope it all works out for you.  The no-kids approach is looking like the way to go, and as I said, you can hire your friends a trustworthy babysitter in town to keep them

lyndausvi

Is there a generationally cut of you can do? Say all YOUR 1st cousins and maybe their kids, but only not the kids of your parent's cousins.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I think it's perfectly fine to invite the kids of OOT guests but not local guests.

Technically, sure, you can pick and choose whatever kids you want to invite. It just becomes a headache when someone finds childcare, then discovers someone else's kid is invited, and gets huffy about it. That's really why a "cut off" is suggested, but that cut off doesn't have to be "all kids or no kids." Kids of close family (neices, nephews, first cousins) are fine, or kids of OOT guests, or kids in the wedding party. You just won't be able to say you're having a "no kids wedding" so it will be harder to tell people they can't bring their kids.

Melanie2012

Thank you for all the input, everyone!  msmerymac, you know, I had wondered whether that kind of thing would be acceptable, and just wasn't sure.  A lot of people in my family are laid-back, so maybe they'd understand about the situation with the out-of-towners?

But I appreciate everyone's thoughts on this.  I definitely have some thinking to do!