Friend's spouse

V00kimba00V

Ok, so here's the deal. FI and I hate his friend's wife. She's a cheating, gold digging ... (it's too long and horrible a story to go into details) and we really don't want her at the wedding. His friend knows how we, and every person who knows her and will be at the wedding, feel about her. Is there a way to invite him and not her that isn't completely rude? or that makes it clear only he is invited? Or do we not invite him so as to avoid the whole issue?  I know it sounds horrible but we really cant stand her and it is our day.

mkrupar

It's totally rude to invite him and not her. They are married. They are a social unit. How would you feel if FI was invited to a wedding w/o you? Short of saying a quick thank you, you won't even have to interract with her. If he's a really good friend and all of his friends are being invited, it would be terrible to not invite him.

ShanaFry

I agree with PP, you can't have one without the other...(imagine me singing this while typing). Just invite them both, I doubt she will do anything that will even be noticable on your day!

V00kimba00V

FI would rather not invite his friend than have her there, I was hoping for some sort of idea that would allow his friend to be at our wedding. It's either her or FI and the groomsman at the wedding.

banana468

There isn't a way to do what you propose without being rude in turn.

Trust me though, most people you just won't notice at the wedding.  I was really worried about our GM's pyschohosebeast GF but everything was fine at the wedding.

kaederose

If that's how he, you and your friend will all feel, then I can't think of any way you can resolve the situation except to not invite either.  Sticking to your guns on this one will have the price of not having your friend there.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3496b7df-7ad5-47c7-b8e5-6384cf728507Post:e90c8da4-ca4b-4fdf-8786-5397e94540d4">Friend's spouse</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, so here's the deal. FI and I hate his friend's wife. She's a cheating, gold digging ... (it's too long and horrible a story to go into details) and we really don't want her at the wedding. His friend knows how we, and every person who knows her and will be at the wedding, feel about her. Is there a way to invite him and not her that isn't completely rude? or that makes it clear only he is invited? Or do we not invite him so as to avoid the whole issue? <strong> I know it sounds horrible but we really cant stand her and it is our day.</strong>
Posted by V00kimba00V[/QUOTE]

When you choose to invite guests, it's no longer "your" day.  The best course of action to take is to invite them both.  Your other option is to not invite either.

V00kimba00V

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3496b7df-7ad5-47c7-b8e5-6384cf728507Post:070a6a0e-d6c6-4d7d-bfd2-f14d31bb6324">Re: Friend's spouse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend's spouse : Sadly, no... there isn't a way to extend this to the wedding.  Be the bigger person - invite her.  You won't even notice her on your wedding day.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Cant, FI and the groomsmen wont show and they're a little more important.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3496b7df-7ad5-47c7-b8e5-6384cf728507Post:88df1e4c-9864-4bcd-9604-3122d3d7b169">Re: Friend's spouse</a>:
[QUOTE]Well it's his friend and his decision. I was just trying to come up with something so he would re-think not inviting one of his close friends. They're already not treated as a social unit, she's not invited to any of our houses but he still comes to visit. I just thought there might be a way to extend the precedent to the wedding.
Posted by V00kimba00V[/QUOTE]

What do you mean they're not a social unit?  Are they married and living with each other?

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3496b7df-7ad5-47c7-b8e5-6384cf728507Post:f09d2c75-31c0-4b75-8854-ec5b62c61ba9">Re: Friend's spouse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend's spouse : Cant, FI and the groomsmen wont show and they're a little more important.
Posted by V00kimba00V[/QUOTE]

Huh?  Can you elaborate?

qwerty777

Either invite them both, or neither. If you invite both, you would come off as the bigger person, and if she knows how everyone feels, maybe she won't even bother showing up. But seriously, you won't even know she's there.

If you don't invite either of them, you will come off as someone being rude, and will most likely lose a friend over it as well.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3496b7df-7ad5-47c7-b8e5-6384cf728507Post:f09d2c75-31c0-4b75-8854-ec5b62c61ba9">Re: Friend's spouse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend's spouse : Cant, FI and the groomsmen wont show and they're a little more important.
Posted by V00kimba00V[/QUOTE]

If you have already decided that you won't invite her, what are you asking advice for?  There isn't a nice way to go about what you want.

V00kimba00V

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3496b7df-7ad5-47c7-b8e5-6384cf728507Post:382b1deb-f195-43df-8aca-ebd25e049f80">Re: Friend's spouse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend's spouse : What do you mean they're not a social unit?  Are they married and living with each other?
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

they are married and living together but she parties alot staying out all night and he's not invited and she's not invited around his friends. they are not treated as a social unit, not even by their own families.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3496b7df-7ad5-47c7-b8e5-6384cf728507Post:1559f71d-2c47-4991-b7ef-845b1e6ab8ab">Re: Friend's spouse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend's spouse : they are married and living together but she parties alot staying out all night and he's not invited and she's not invited around his friends. they are not treated as a social unit, not even by their own families.
Posted by V00kimba00V[/QUOTE]

Do you want us to just say "oh, in that case, it's perfectly acceptable to break up a social unit for the wedding"?  That's what it seems like you want to hear.

V00kimba00V

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3496b7df-7ad5-47c7-b8e5-6384cf728507Post:5ea5e24f-5da9-438a-8419-e197b49d8ef5">Re: Friend's spouse</a>:
[QUOTE]Either invite them both, or neither. If you invite both, you would come off as the bigger person, and if she knows how everyone feels, maybe she won't even bother showing up. But seriously, you won't even know she's there. If you don't invite either of them, you will come off as someone being rude, and will most likely lose a friend over it as well.
Posted by qwerty777[/QUOTE]

I really cant invite both, and she's not the type that wouldn't show up. he didn't lose this particular friend when he refused to attend his wedding so that is unlikely. I'll have to tell FI i couldn't come up with a solution and we'll just go with his plan.

quotequeen

You're saying that if this woman was invited your own fiance would refuse to show up to the wedding and marry you?

V00kimba00V

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3496b7df-7ad5-47c7-b8e5-6384cf728507Post:44e24bb6-cbfd-493a-948d-3bbae617689c">Re: Friend's spouse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend's spouse : Do you want us to just say "oh, in that case, it's perfectly acceptable to break up a social unit for the wedding"?  That's what it seems like you want to hear.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

No, I just figured I'd post the dilemma and ask for ideas. No one seems to have any so I'm right back where I started. I'm sorry for getting people riled up. I thought this was somewhere to post problems and get help finding a solution, not have people jump down your throat. My mistake.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3496b7df-7ad5-47c7-b8e5-6384cf728507Post:31601c30-3fc1-46ee-af7c-521a0823522b">Re: Friend's spouse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend's spouse : No, I just figured I'd post the dilemma and ask for ideas. No one seems to have any so I'm right back where I started. I'm sorry for getting people riled up. I thought this was somewhere to post problems and get help finding a solution, not have people jump down your throat. My mistake.
Posted by V00kimba00V[/QUOTE]

I'm not trying to jump down your throat - I'm sorry.  It's just that the reason we can't give you any ideas is because there are no ideas.  Doing what you propose - inviting a husband without his wife - is just not okay, unfortunately.

Seriously - this all seems a little petty.  It's one person.  At a wedding full of so many people, you'll run into her maybe once the whole night.  Her presence truly won't affect your enjoyment of your wedding day.  Many many people here who have had similar problems will attest to that.  That's really the point we were trying to get across.

amityr1976

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3496b7df-7ad5-47c7-b8e5-6384cf728507Post:31601c30-3fc1-46ee-af7c-521a0823522b">Re: Friend's spouse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend's spouse : No, I just figured I'd post the dilemma and ask for ideas. No one seems to have any so I'm right back where I started. I'm sorry for getting people riled up. I thought this was somewhere to post problems and get help finding a solution, not have people jump down your throat. My mistake.
Posted by V00kimba00V[/QUOTE]


If you don't like suggestions on the etiquette board you might try posting your questionon on another board.  Some other board my provide a whole bunch of options.  When you post on the etiquette board it implies you are trying to find the polite/appropriate way to handle a situation.  There is NO polite way to do what you are suggesting.   That doesn't mean it can't be done...it just means there may be some fallout from your decision. 

Manwaithiel

I still don't understand your problem. What do you mean that your FI and GM won't show up to the wedding (what???) if she comes?

Mrs.B6302007

DOn't be so dramatic.  No one jumped down your throat and yes, we did have ideas they just what you were wanting to hear.

redheadfsu

If your FI hates this woman so much that he would refuse to marry you if she showed, then don't invite either (the husband or the wife). I'm sure the guy friend would understand why he isn't invited.

leah2b

Wow.  What an ugly situation.  It almost makes me feel bad for her.  I couldn't imagine if I was in a situation like that.  Do they love each other or are they just biding their time for a divorce?  if they do love each other, it seems like it would be nice if the people in their life were a little more supportive.  It sounds like she is a major trainwreack from your description.  Maybe she needs some help.

Nebb

Seems to me it would be better to just invite her, because if everyone hates her like you say they do, everyone will be rude to her and make her feel like shiit and she will leave early. Then, none of it is on your head, and you appear to be the bigger person for inviting her anyways. There you go, problem solved.

qwerty777

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_friends-spouse?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3496b7df-7ad5-47c7-b8e5-6384cf728507Post:9adf597a-37a1-4d59-9c42-47dc075f88ea">Re: Friend's spouse</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend's spouse : Your FI won't show up to his own wedding if one person (whom neither of you will notice on the wedding day) is in the audience? My dear, if this is true, you have a much much bigger problem than etiquette.
Posted by tldh[/QUOTE]

If H had told me that before our wedding, there wouldn't have been one. Luckily we didn't have a single guest that we were worried about, so it was never an issue.

The only "polite" options you have are to invite both or neither. Those are the only options you will get on this board. You're only other option is to invite him and not her, but then YOU (and your FI) come off as the rude ones, regardless of the reason why. If none of the guys will show up, including the groom, then they are all immature.  Everyone should be able to put aside this petty crap for one day and act like the adults they should be. You don't have to like her, but you should at least be civil to her.

Gismo123

You can't NOT invite his spouse it's rude...no matter how much you dislike her.  Just invite them both I doubt anyone will notice her.  Who knows...if she's as bad as you say maybe he'll just leave her at home.

artbyallie

It's exceedingly childish of your FI (and groomsmen) to threaten not to show up to the wedding over ONE guest whom they really will not even notice. Really. He will have far too much else to think about to worry over one woman. Tell him to suck it up and be a man. Or rethink what you're getting into here.

squirrly

I'd really love to hear the backstory on this.  How did they all come to hate her so much?