Mom hosting shower is no longer a no-no?

TheVirginians

The Knot's home page had "ten rules you can break". One was that is now okay for a family member to host a bridal shower. I can't believe it. Is this now considered to be acceptable? Smh

[Deleted User]

I hosted my sister's shower. It wasn't an obligation or request, it was something I wanted to do for her. If others thought less of me I could care less. I think my Mom and sister want to plan mine but that's up to them.

beardownbchs

I actually didn't know this was wrong until yesterday (on this board). The MOB has had a huge part in planning every shower I have been a part of. 

So..I'm having a small wedding with only my sister and my FI's best friend as the wedding party. Is it okay for my sister to throw a shower? Is it okay for my friends who are not BMs to throw a shower? Should I expect not to have one at all?

theponz512

Never saw this as a problem. My mom is hosting my shower, and pretty much anything else. She wants to, so why not?

Peledreamsofrain

I think it's only gasp-worthy if it's pressured upon a family member to do it.  My MIL and my SIL reaaaaaaaaaaally wanted to throw the shower for me because all of my family and bridal party lives out of state.  They are both sweethearts and practically begged me to let them do it.

In the situation where someone is offering, and really excited to do it, it's super rude to snottily inform them that it's against etiquette and you're not interested.  To heck with tradition if it's going to hurt someone's feelings.

Jen4948

Well, according to the etiquette advisors like Emily Post or Miss Manners, mothers and FMILs are not supposed to host showers for the bride based on the principle that just as one doesn't solicit gifts for oneself (thus, a registry is an indirect means of conveying gift preferences), one also doesn't do it for a close relative like a daughter, sister, or FDIL.

That said, it passes etiquette muster if all the attendees are family members.

But yeah, it's ruder to tell someone they're being rude than it would be for a close family member to host a shower that included non-family members as guests.

Avion22

I think it used to be a no-no because the bride generally used to live with her family right up until wedding day, and it was her parents' responsibility to provide her with everything she would need to start her marriage.  So family members throwing these parties (and soliciting gifts) was seen as rude because it was essentially Mom and Dad asking people to buy stuff for their daughter so they wouldn't have to.

Now that most women live outside of their parents home for many years before marriage, it's no longer seen as the parents' responsibility to provide her with everything she needs going into her marriage.  So it's not as big of a deal for the MOB to throw a shower.

Kristin789

This exactly:
Well, according to the etiquette advisors like Emily Post or Miss Manners, mothers and FMILs are not supposed to host showers for the bride based on the principle that just as one doesn't solicit gifts for oneself (thus, a registry is an indirect means of conveying gift preferences), one also doesn't do it for a close relative like a daughter, sister, or FDIL.

But if you live in an area that has dropped some of the traditional etiquette and customs, you could ask around and see what response you get.  Here in the South, we stick very close to traditions and customs.

kipnus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-hosting-shower-is-no-longer-a-no-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34a0119b-7d56-4fb6-a66b-e7a39b35a3a9Post:4f96452f-d3ab-40ab-b070-278267b5223e">Re: Mom hosting shower is no longer a no-no?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it used to be a no-no because the bride generally used to live with her family right up until wedding day, and it was her parents' responsibility to provide her with everything she would need to start her marriage.  So family members throwing these parties (and soliciting gifts) was seen as rude because it was essentially Mom and Dad asking people to buy stuff for their daughter so they wouldn't have to. Now that most women live outside of their parents home for many years before marriage, it's no longer seen as the parents' responsibility to provide her with everything she needs going into her marriage.  So it's not as big of a deal for the MOB to throw a shower.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This was my impression, exactly.

</div>

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-hosting-shower-is-no-longer-a-no-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34a0119b-7d56-4fb6-a66b-e7a39b35a3a9Post:4f96452f-d3ab-40ab-b070-278267b5223e">Re: Mom hosting shower is no longer a no-no?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it used to be a no-no because the bride generally used to live with her family right up until wedding day, and it was her parents' responsibility to provide her with everything she would need to start her marriage.  So family members throwing these parties (and soliciting gifts) was seen as rude because it was essentially Mom and Dad asking people to buy stuff for their daughter so they wouldn't have to. Now that most women live outside of their parents home for many years before marriage, it's no longer seen as the parents' responsibility to provide her with everything she needs going into her marriage.  So it's not as big of a deal for the MOB to throw a shower.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ditto Avion, as usual.

</div>

MyNameIsNot

What Avion said.  

Showers actually came from a tradition when a bride's family couldn't provide her with a proper dowry, and the community would come together and throw in so that she could get married.  Since the community was giving what her parents couldn't or didn't, it would have been rude of the parents to ask for this.  Even though dowries faded from the norm quite a while ago, the idea that the bride's parents were financially responsible for her up until marriage (and helping set up her new household) has only faded recently.  It's really only been since women are expected to support themselves and live on their own before marriage that the rule stopped making as much sense.  

loca4pook

I had no idea this was wrong. Oh well...I think it is normal for a family member to host it in my neck of the words

arendiva

Until very recently I didn't even know that it was considered rude. Every single shower I've ever been to has been hosted by either a MOB or MOG. I've always known my mother would throw mine and would frankly feel sad if anyone else did. I know she has always felt that it is her right as my mother. I guess in my neck of the woods the traditions surrounding this are different.

ootmother2

I think that it may just depend on what's acceptable in your area/social circle.

I wouldn't do it but my BF told me that any Italian woman in Massachusetts would be shamed if she didn't host her daughter's shower.

It always has been poor etiquette IMO

LuckyGirl1713

Every shower I have been to was either thrown by the MOB or the Bridal Party which usually included  member of the brides family.  I thought it was so weird when I heard it was against the rules for a family member to host a shower. 

joleri23

My only bridesmaid/Maid of Honor is my sister, so I didn't have much of a choice. My mom is doing all the work and just putting my sister's name on the invitations as the host. Our family isn't fancy, so I think it's OK.

xxstardust

In my area (or at least social circle, though I've seen it take effect where I work as well), it's common for the bridesmaids  to officially host, but the MOB acts as the "silent partner", so to speak. They tend to bankroll when the BMs are young and broke. By ettiquitte, it's probably terrible, but it's not terribly uncommon.

TheVirginians

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mom-hosting-shower-is-no-longer-a-no-no?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:34a0119b-7d56-4fb6-a66b-e7a39b35a3a9Post:7d536ee8-172d-41fd-84ba-2d49f89416d5">Re: Mom hosting shower is no longer a no-no?</a>:
[QUOTE]We don't wear black at weddings, either.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]



he he he