VENT: too many opinions!

andra loves andre

The most stressful part of wedding planning (so far!) has been picking a ceremony location. I honestly don't really care where it'll be held. My priorities are simple: I don't want the guests to drive too far from the ceremony to the reception (especially with a lot of out of towners), and I don't want to spend a fortune since it'll be a simple civil ceremony.

FMIL wants us to do it at the reception venue, since we paid for the ceremony room there anyway (we wanted to make sure we had it in case we chose a park, so we could have an indoor location in case of crappy weather). She thinks it's easiest, already paid for, and since the weather in Toronto in May is risky (could be super nice or nasty, cold, and rainy), it's the logical option. The guest hotel is 600m from the venue.

My mom flipped at this, saying that the civil ceremony will be too uneventful and boring, and that we should do it at a park. The park she wants is 40km from the venue. This would mean more $$ and more time to drive, and I don't know what the out-of-towners would do without a car, since taxis are really expensive here (it'll probably end up costing them $200 to taxi around for the day). She yelled at me today, telling me that doing at the venue is "wrong", that it'll be "boring and people won't care" and that I'm "only doing it to get as many people at the ceremony as possible". 

Then she proceeded to tell me how all our other decisions are wrong, like the decision to bake our own cake (I love baking, I've baked cakes for large groups before, tons of my friends are great bakers, and one friend is excellent at cake decorating), and so on. When I got mad (and I admit, I flipped my sh!t a bit!) she told me that she's only "suggesting". Really? A suggestion is "I think it'll be nice to do at a park" not a whole essay on how what we decided on is wrong, boring, and for purposes that aren't good.

Blah, I'm just so tired of everyone thinking that they have this magical solution for us, but no one is helping us realize the solution, just judging our decisions and pointing out why everything sucks. I did not expect this from my mom at all

wrigleyville

It happens. You just learn to nod and smile. We're getting opinions from everyone, and we just stick to our guns and say, "That's nice, but we've already made our decision."

Perhaps you could show your mom pictures of ceremonies that have taken place at reception venues? Maybe she isn't familiar with how it's set up one way for the ceremony and another way for the reception. If there are any pictures of ceremonies at YOUR venue, then that's a bonus.

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:e375f1c0-6db3-449c-8e24-974139535449">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]It happens. You just learn to nod and smile. We're getting opinions from everyone, and we just stick to our guns and say, "That's nice, but we've already made our decision." Perhaps you could show your mom pictures of ceremonies that have taken place at reception venues? Maybe she isn't familiar with how it's set up one way for the ceremony and another way for the reception. If there are any pictures of ceremonies at YOUR venue, then that's a bonus.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]

<div>I try to nod and smile and let it roll off my back, but I seriously feel like I'm spending more time defending the choices than enjoying that they've been resolved. I really hate how it's the same topics, same criticism, over and over. She's not interested in listening, she just creates her own version of how everything should be in her head, and if what we're doing doesn't match up, all hell breaks loose. Same with fmil. Even my dress has been a topic of debate- what type of veil, my mom wants me to wear sleeves and a puffy gown, fmil wants a mermaid style. Honestly, I'll be wearing the dress and even I haven't given it that much thought as they have! Where's the part that I'm supposed to be enjoying this?</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for the tip about the suggestions. She's seen pictures of ceremonies held at the venue, and even been there to see one set up. She thought it was "ok, but only if you literally have no other option". She didn't like it because it didn't feel like there was a difference between the ceremony and the reception. She's used to EVERY wedding having a looooooong Orthodox reception at the SAME church (the only Romanian church in the area that everyone goes to), then having a break after, and the driving for about an hour to the reception venue. I keep telling her that since we're not doing the religious ceremony, it'll have to be different, and that she can't compare a simple civil ceremony to the traditional Orthodox one. But that's not something that's getting through. Sigh.</div>

kroot87

It stinks that you're dealing with all that. Most of the time, people mean well, but all the unwanted "advice" can be frustrating. My advice? Smile, nod, "have you tried the bean dip?" Repeat.

brilibby4

You need to do what you and fiance want, especially if you two are paying for the wedding yourselves.  When other people offer suggestions, just say something similar to "Thanks for the advice!" and change the subject.  I found that if you don't want advice, avoid sharing wedding details whenever possible.

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:a1f77502-083a-4ed6-af7c-ff005bc9f1d5">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry. :( I think you should have the ceremony at the reception venue since it seems much more convenient and cheaper. Do you have any pictures of what the room looks like? Maybe there is a way to decorate it to make it more appealing to please your mom?
Posted by lovethebeach16[/QUOTE]

<div>There were a bunch of pics and we all saw the set up pre-wedding (we were there for a tasting early in the day, and they were setting it up for a wedding ceremony and reception. It was finished by the time we left). She just doesn't think it's "Eventful and wedding-y", regardless of decoration. If we don't do it in a church, she thinks it should be outdoors. And there aren't really any outdoor ceremony areas around the venue, since it's kind of an industiral airport area. I found ONE golf course in the area, and I asked them about outdoor ceremonies but never got a reply :(</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:0ec0d421-9079-418a-9407-cca4c6e46d27">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm for ceremony at reception venue.  And smile and nod politely when things get brought up.  "We'll think about that." 40km is a long ways; almost 26 miles.  I mean, if it was al interstate it wouldn't be too bad, but it coiuld take awhile if it was normal service roads.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

<div>I think it's pretty long to drive too, especially if there are out-of-towners that might not be renting a car (free shuttle from airport to hotel, and the hotel is 600m from venue). It is MOSTLY interstate, but still takes a good 35-45 minutes, even more if there's traffic!</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:f4f80e45-b65c-4cf2-aefc-fec0ec7d0411">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]It stinks that you're dealing with all that. Most of the time, people mean well, but all the unwanted "advice" can be frustrating. My advice? Smile, nod, "have you tried the bean dip?" Repeat.
Posted by kroot87[/QUOTE]

<div>HAHAHHAH! that totally made me laugh out loud! THanks, I really needed that!!!</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:1ccb20ab-c980-46be-983b-818764ded22c">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]You need to do what you and fiance want, especially if you two are paying for the wedding yourselves.  When other people offer suggestions, just say something similar to "Thanks for the advice!" and change the subject.  I found that if you don't want advice, avoid sharing wedding details whenever possible.
Posted by brilibby4[/QUOTE]

<div>Unfortunately the parents are paying for the wedding, but, even if they weren't, it would still be important to me to try to make sure they enjoy the decisions as well. I just wish it weren't so black and white with my mom, "X is wrong, Y is right". It's the way that she says things that really gets to me. I understand where she's coming from, but she just comes off so demanding and judgemental that it completely turns me off from listening to her. It's like she thinks insulting our choices will get us to see her way.</div>

kroot87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:3a0d858c-c84a-4e08-9965-d9c09b18ab2e">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: too many opinions! : HAHAHHAH! that totally made me laugh out loud! THanks, I really needed that!!!
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]

Glad I could help. In all seriousness though, diversion helps. I know there's some wedding talk you just can't avoid, especially with parents, but when it starts to get overwhelming just shut it right down. My mom hates just about everything about my wedding, right down to my shoes, so when she starts talking wedding, I immediately change the subject. It works at least half the time, which is enough to take some of the pressure off.

brilibby4

Have you talked to your mom about the way she is making you feel?  You said you didn't expect her to act this way, so maybe she really doesn't realize how upsetting her comments are.  I know my mom would want me to explain the situation to her because if she was getting out of hand she would want to be put in her place.  Maybe you need to sit down with her and say "Listen mom, I really want you to love my wedding.  I also want you to understand that this is me and fiance's wedding and we really hope you can respect our opinions on venues, my dress, etc.  We love you and appreciate your input, but can you please respect our choices and be happy for us?"  Or something similar?

aliciamarieee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:1ccb20ab-c980-46be-983b-818764ded22c">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]You need to do what you and fiance want, especially if you two are paying for the wedding yourselves.  When other people offer suggestions, just say something similar to "Thanks for the advice!" and change the subject. <u><strong> I</strong><strong> found that if you don't want advice, avoid sharing wedding details whenever possible.</strong></u>
Posted by brilibby4[/QUOTE]


THIS!!!!

I'm discovering this little tip myself. Even if you want to include that person in how things are going with the planning, avoid details that still need to be worked out. Stick to stuff that are already set, that way you can avoid unwelcome snotty advice. Good luck!!!

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:0ba92c72-49e2-47a2-b390-4579f4684619">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: too many opinions! : Glad I could help. In all seriousness though, diversion helps. I know there's some wedding talk you just can't avoid, especially with parents, but when it starts to get overwhelming just shut it right down. My mom hates just about everything about my wedding, right down to my shoes, so when she starts talking wedding, I immediately change the subject. It works at least half the time, which is enough to take some of the pressure off.
Posted by kroot87[/QUOTE]

<div>I think I'll try diversion for the next little while, since I really need a break from justifying everything. Mine hates my shoes too- and I haven't even bought them yet. But she hates that I want purple shoes :(</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:f8ac6e42-9e44-44cb-a1ba-c759da73cf19">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you talked to your mom about the way she is making you feel?  You said you didn't expect her to act this way, so maybe she really doesn't realize how upsetting her comments are.  I know my mom would want me to explain the situation to her because if she was getting out of hand she would want to be put in her place.  Maybe you need to sit down with her and say "Listen mom, I really want you to love my wedding.  I also want you to understand that this is me and fiance's wedding and we really hope you can respect our opinions on venues, my dress, etc.  We love you and appreciate your input, but can you please respect our choices and be happy for us?"  Or something similar?
Posted by brilibby4[/QUOTE]

<div>I think I'm gona memorize what you wrote and tell her exactly that once she calms down. She's busy trying to guilt me with tears today. Keeps sniffling in the living room. It makes me sad that she's sad, but she's the one who always seems to want to swim against the current and I can't keep letting her bring me down based on the decisions fh and i made.</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:fffdf940-eaa9-4560-bf77-1c30cfd23423">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: too many opinions! : THIS!!!! I'm discovering this little tip myself. Even if you want to include that person in how things are going with the planning, avoid details that still need to be worked out. Stick to stuff that are already set, that way you can avoid unwelcome snotty advice. Good luck!!!
Posted by aliciamarieee[/QUOTE]

<div>I plan on avoidance for the next while, for sure! I need a break from all the "that's wrong, that's wrong, that's wrong..."</div><div>
</div>

SB1512

Since your parents are paying, they do get to dictate some of the decision making, unfortunately, because often money will come with strings attached.  Instead of giving her reasons why you and FI don't want to do the park, can you spin it so you are addressing the needs of your guests?  "Mom, while I think the park would be really pretty, it's quite a ways away from our reception site and guests that are coming without a car will have to take a taxi which is going to be expensive for them.  If we do it at the reception site it's very close to the hotel we blocked rooms off at and would be more convenient for our guests."  Now to contradict myself a little bit, I do not think your mom should have a huge influence or final say in your dress even if she is paying for it.  You are the one wearing it, and you have to feel comfortable and beautiful.  There are some ladies on these boards that have dress regret for a variety of reasons so make sure the dress you get is something you want and aren't making the choice to appease someone else.  And if your mom threatens not to pay for a dress because she doesn't like it then start saving up your own money to pay for it yourself so you can have the dress you want.

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:31079d86-9264-4ec9-8026-98424b1abdf4">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]Since your parents are paying, they do get to dictate some of the decision making, unfortunately, because often money will come with strings attached.  Instead of giving her reasons why you and FI don't want to do the park, can you spin it so you are addressing the needs of your guests?  "Mom, while I think the park would be really pretty, it's quite a ways away from our reception site and guests that are coming without a car will have to take a taxi which is going to be expensive for them.  If we do it at the reception site it's very close to the hotel we blocked rooms off at and would be more convenient for our guests."  Now to contradict myself a little bit, I do not think your mom should have a huge influence or final say in your dress even if she is paying for it.  You are the one wearing it, and you have to feel comfortable and beautiful.  There are some ladies on these boards that have dress regret for a variety of reasons so make sure the dress you get is something you want and aren't making the choice to appease someone else.  And if your mom threatens not to pay for a dress because she doesn't like it then start saving up your own money to pay for it yourself so you can have the dress you want.
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks for the advice :)</div><div>
</div><div>when we started wedding planning, we were going to pay for it 100% ourselves. When the parents offered money (instead of a wedding gift) we asked them if there are any strings attached or any expectations, and they all said "no, we just want you to be happy". funny how that ended up, no? I even told them that I'd rather pay than keep fighting, and the moms threw a tantrum and promised to be good from now on. Yea, right :(</div>

SB1512

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:2d6fffff-5a30-45f1-9bb0-f0b3a5ba3c50">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: too many opinions! : Thanks for the advice :) when we started wedding planning, we were going to pay for it 100% ourselves. When the parents offered money (instead of a wedding gift) we asked them if there are any strings attached or any expectations, and they all said "no, we just want you to be happy". funny how that ended up, no? I even told them that I'd rather pay than keep fighting, and the moms threw a tantrum and promised to be good from now on. Yea, right :(
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]

I know, funny how things change once your ideas clash with those holding the money.  My parents are also contributing a fair amount to our wedding and my mom also claimed it was no strings attached.  It's been going well so far, but we are clashing majorly on the flowers.  I want bright colors, and my mom wants me to go with pastels and light colored flowers.  ugh.  her biggest concern.......that the color scheme of bright colors won't match the seats on the chairs at the venue (they are a maroonish color).......are you kidding me?  who the heck is going to pay attention to that type of detail?!  She also tried to tell me I couldn't go with the color I wanted for BM dress (horizon blue from DB) but I put a stop to that one real fast, because her money has nothing to do with BM and their attire.  As for the florist issue, if we can't come up with something that will please both of us I'll pay for it myself (not doing floral centerpieces just bouquets and one arrangement by the guestbook) and then I can have complete control over it.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:818a6dd9-307f-4b50-a88c-66c533fad162">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: too many opinions! : I think I'll try diversion for the next little while, since <strong>I really need a break from justifying everything</strong>. Mine hates my shoes too- and I haven't even bought them yet. But she hates that I want purple shoes :(
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]

<div>Here's the deal - I know she's your mom (and she's paying) and so you care about her opinion, but YOU DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO JUSTIFY ANYTHING TO HER.  Seriously.  You don't.  You are an adult, this is your and your FI's wedding, and that means you get to make your own decisions <em>with your FI</em>, not your mother.  However, I will say that if you take this kind of "this is what I'm doing, tough luck" approach, you run the risk of losing mom's funding, so be prepared for that.</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_vent-too-many-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34b18475-d6cb-4a07-b08d-c89b112ba773Post:bcaf3d69-7b0c-406b-8d6f-781419078825">Re: VENT: too many opinions!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: too many opinions! : I know, funny how things change once your ideas clash with those holding the money.  My parents are also contributing a fair amount to our wedding and my mom also claimed it was no strings attached.  It's been going well so far, but we are clashing majorly on the flowers.  I want bright colors, and my mom wants me to go with pastels and light colored flowers.  ugh.  her biggest concern.......that the color scheme of bright colors won't match the seats on the chairs at the venue (they are a maroonish color).......are you kidding me?  who the heck is going to pay attention to that type of detail?!  She also tried to tell me I couldn't go with the color I wanted for BM dress (horizon blue from DB) but I put a stop to that one real fast, because her money has nothing to do with BM and their attire.  As for the florist issue, if we can't come up with something that will please both of us I'll pay for it myself (not doing floral centerpieces just bouquets and one arrangement by the guestbook) and then I can have complete control over it.
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

<div>Wowza, seems like sometimes moms turn into momzillas!!!</div>

angryangry

I would probably say something along the lines of "Mom, I'm not sure if you realize this, but you keep making me feel bad about what FI and I have decided to do for our wedding. You are putting me in the very unfortunate position of having to either agree to what you want, and not like my own wedding, or have the wedding I want and have to hear how horrible you think it is. It's very hurtful, and I hope you will take some time to think about what you've been doing and how much it's damaging our relationship." 

But I'm kind of a meanie.