Bridesmaid drama/rant

squeakyduck

Can we be mean about my bridesmaid? She's asking me to step down from her wedding if I can't afford the ($200) bridesmaid dress she wants. 

She said, "i will need to know tho shortly after i pick the dress so i can find someone else if you can't"

And I feel like she just wants me as a hanger. 

Plus she's already married. they got married in a courthouse last April. 

And she's been a total bitch about the whole thing. 

I really wish I could ask her to step down from my wedding. Or that she will live up to the label of "bridesmaid most likely to bail on me." 

I'm so tired of her drama. There's a lot more crap that I've been putting up with lately, but this is just really thick, overly sugary, diabetes-inducing icing on the cake. 

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dramarant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34c44dde-97e3-4d31-9699-a07987ebd64bPost:e9f6c4b1-0b4a-424f-a0f9-7f5109d9cd14">Bridesmaid drama/rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Can we be mean about my bridesmaid? She's asking me to step down from her wedding if I can't afford the ($200) bridesmaid dress she wants.  She said, " i will need to know tho shortly after i pick the dress so i can find someone else if you can't" And I feel like she just wants me as a hanger.  Plus she's already married. they got married in a courthouse last April.  And she's been a total bitch about the whole thing.  I really wish I could ask her to step down from my wedding. Or that she will live up to the label of "bridesmaid most likely to bail on me."  I'm so tired of her drama. There's a lot more crap that I've been putting up with lately, but this is just really thick, overly sugary, diabetes-inducing icing on the cake. 
Posted by rentaduckie[/QUOTE]

Yep.  She's being a bridezilla. Just think of all the money you'll save if you drop out.

opalsky007

Yup. I'd drop out.

squeakyduck

Plus the wedding's out of state...I could save A LOT of money... 

I'm just annoyed that I still have to deal with her in my wedding. I really don't feel like continuing this friendship is good for me. 

Beachy730

I would definitely drop out.  If she is valuing a dress over your friendship, its not worth you spending $1 on being in her wedding.

tidetravel

You could just end the friendship.  That would solve your problem on both fronts.

squeakyduck

Oh and MY bridesmaid dresses are going to cost $60...So she's totally happy with that. 

I though of suggesting that I'd by her dress for my wedding and she could buy mine for hers. 

And I wish she'd asked about my budget first! 

And katelyn- I'd be so much more sympathetic to her "vision" that requires such expensive dresses if she weren't* already married. 

And I wonder if she's not sympathetic to my budget because she sits at home and does nothing all day. She's not in school, she's not working, and her husband even does all the cooking and cleaning too. 

*edited for typo

PsyDet 2155

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dramarant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:34c44dde-97e3-4d31-9699-a07987ebd64bPost:e9f6c4b1-0b4a-424f-a0f9-7f5109d9cd14">Bridesmaid drama/rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Can we be mean about my bridesmaid? She's asking me to step down from her wedding if I can't afford the ($200) bridesmaid dress she wants.  She said, "<strong>i will need to know tho shortly after i pick the dress so i can find someone else if you can't"</strong> And I feel like she just wants me as a hanger.  Plus she's already married. they got married in a courthouse last April.  And she's been a total bitch about the whole thing.  I really wish I could ask her to step down from my wedding. Or that she will live up to the label of "bridesmaid most likely to bail on me."  I'm so tired of her drama. There's a lot more crap that I've been putting up with lately, but this is just really thick, overly sugary, diabetes-inducing icing on the cake. 
Posted by rentaduckie[/QUOTE]

What a peach.  I would excuse myself from her wedding party and send her an etiquette book as a wedding present.

smokeybailey

Let her pick someone else. 

aurianna

Am I the only one here that doesn't think $200 is unreasonable for a bridesmaid dress? Back when I was picking out mine I was googling to see what they usually run and what is reasonable.

There is a stereotype for ugly BM dresses for a reason: Often cheap ones look god awful.
Clearly there are exceptions and lovely less expensive BM dresses out there, but if you're friends with this girl (which I imagine you were if you asked her to be one of your bridesmaids too), then you probably know what kind of tastes she has and what kind of wedding she was planning. If you had any inkling that she might want a fancy wedding / fancy dresses you probably should have asked her yourself what kind of price range she was thinking of.
It's her wedding, her wedding pictures and there are other bridesmaids in the party, so I think it's totally reasonable that she pick the dress she wants and that the people who agreed to be in the party buy it if they can and step out if they can't.

I can understand why you're hurt; it seems like she's picking a dress over you. But you know how much planning goes into a wedding and how it's impossible to please everyone.

I wouldn't kick her out of your party. Unless she was really nasty to you about this, it would be a shame if you added to the strain on your relationship.

I wasn't there, but she really might just be in wedding stress mode and not thinking about things she should. Be the bigger person and don't risk doing something you might regret.

Good luck!

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dramarant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:34c44dde-97e3-4d31-9699-a07987ebd64bPost:452f2361-3410-414d-b357-d7c3e56c5702">Re: Bridesmaid drama/rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one here that doesn't think $200 is unreasonable for a bridesmaid dress? Back when I was picking out mine I was googling to see what they usually run and what is reasonable. There is a stereotype for ugly BM dresses for a reason:<strong> </strong>Often cheap ones look god awful. Clearly there are exceptions and lovely less expensive BM dresses out there, but if you're friends with this girl (which I imagine you were if you asked her to be one of your bridesmaids too), then you probably know what kind of tastes she has and what kind of wedding she was planning.<strong> If you had any inkling that she might want a fancy wedding / fancy dresses you probably should have asked her yourself what kind of price range she was thinking of. It's her wedding, her wedding pictures and there are other bridesmaids in the party, so I think it's totally reasonable that she pick the dress she wants and that the people who agreed to be in the party buy it if they can and step out if they can't.</strong> I can understand why you're hurt; it seems like she's picking a dress over you. But you know how much planning goes into a wedding and how it's impossible to please everyone. I wouldn't kick her out of your party. Unless she was really nasty to you about this, it would be a shame if you added to the strain on your relationship. I wasn't there, but she really might just be in wedding stress mode and not thinking about things she should. Be the bigger person and don't risk doing something you might regret. Good luck!
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

I couldn't disagree with the bolded part more.  First of all, it was the brides responsibility to get her BM's budget first.  Why should anyone just have to committ to spending $200 for a dress that they will wear for one day and then never again.  Especially if they get no say in the dress. 

It stops being all about what you want when you involve other people in the wedding party.  If she wants all the BMs to wear the same dress without any complaints, then she should be paying for them. 

And as for the comment about a fancy wedding needing expensive dresses is just ridiculous.  I had a pretty formal wedding, but it was more important to me that my BMs were happy with their dresses and comfortable than how my pictures turned out because of the dress.

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dramarant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34c44dde-97e3-4d31-9699-a07987ebd64bPost:452f2361-3410-414d-b357-d7c3e56c5702">Re: Bridesmaid drama/rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one here that doesn't think $200 is unreasonable for a bridesmaid dress? Back when I was picking out mine I was googling to see what they usually run and what is reasonable. There is a stereotype for ugly BM dresses for a reason: Often cheap ones look god awful. Clearly there are exceptions and lovely less expensive BM dresses out there, but if you're friends with this girl (which I imagine you were if you asked her to be one of your bridesmaids too), then you probably know what kind of tastes she has and what kind of wedding she was planning. If you had any inkling that she might want a fancy wedding / fancy dresses you probably should have asked her yourself what kind of price range she was thinking of. It's her wedding, her wedding pictures and there are other bridesmaids in the party, so I think it's totally reasonable that she pick the dress she wants and that the people who agreed to be in the party buy it if they can and step out if they can't. I can understand why you're hurt; it seems like she's picking a dress over you. But you know how much planning goes into a wedding and how it's impossible to please everyone. I wouldn't kick her out of your party. Unless she was really nasty to you about this, it would be a shame if you added to the strain on your relationship. I wasn't there, but she really might just be in wedding stress mode and not thinking about things she should. Be the bigger person and don't risk doing something you might regret. Good luck!
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

What's unreasonable is whatever your bridesmaids can't afford. The smart thing to do, since the point is having your nearest and dearest up there with you, is to pull each gal aside and ask what she'd feel comfortable spending. If you can't find something to everyone's liking in that price range, then you, the bride, are free to subsidize.

And BTW, there are plenty of fabulous options for under $200, especially with so many great cocktail dress options these days, by both bridal designers and non-bridal designers. My girls wore one of J. Crew's least expensive dresses, and looked stunning.  That dress is now on sale for $50 bucks. You can get so many other great deals out there.

squeakyduck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dramarant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34c44dde-97e3-4d31-9699-a07987ebd64bPost:452f2361-3410-414d-b357-d7c3e56c5702">Re: Bridesmaid drama/rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Clearly there are exceptions and lovely less expensive BM dresses out there, but if you're friends with this girl (which I imagine you were if you asked her to be one of your bridesmaids too), then you probably know what kind of tastes she has and what kind of wedding she was planning... I wouldn't kick her out of your party. Unless she was really nasty to you about this, it would be a shame if you added to the strain on your relationship. 
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Well, I feel like we're only friends anymore because she moved near me and she hasn't met any new people in the 6 months she's lived here. I know this is stupid, but i asked her because she asked me. </div><div>
</div><div>And I had no idea she was planning a huge super fancy wedding until recently. She got married in a courthouse already. And she kept complaining about how they had no money. And she'd said she has less than100 people coming. So I didn't realize it was going to be so fancy as to require a full-length gown. </div><div>
</div><div>And I wish it was a gorgeous dress! I'd be far more willing to shell out more money on a dress that there was any chance of me wearing again. But so far every picture she's sent have been...not pretty. </div><div>
</div><div>And yes, she has been really nasty to me about this. And there was already a major strain on our relationship.</div><div>
</div><div>I know asking someone to step down is horribly rude and a friendship ending event, but what if the friendship is already over? I'm cringing at the idea of being reminded of this every time I look at my own wedding album. </div><div> 

</div>

polichik

As I love to say whenever I see somebody arguing about something like this... It's not really about the dress. Clearly, you disagree with her lifestyle and the choices she's made, most recently the whole thing about the dress. If this dress issue is a symptom of a larger problem, I suggest you end the friendship. It seems like that's the direction you're heading anyway.

And to the poster who said you should expect to pay $200 for a bridesmaid dress... When I'm a bridesmaid, I expect the bride to care more about me than what dress I'm wearing. If $200 was a financial hardship on me, I would do everything I could to save it up, but my friends also wouldn't put me in a position like the OP's in.

I loved many, many expensive bridesmaid dresses. My favorite was a $350 Melissa Sweet frock. In the end, I paid $60 each for my BM's dresses from Anthropologie, and I think my wedding pictures look quite nice. Just sayin'

aurianna

My bridesmaids' dresses were apparently on the too-expensive side. I'm glad Mom and I decided to pay for them or there'd probably be posts about me too..........

I still don't think there's anything wrong with the bride wanting to go with her particular vision. But in the perfect world in my head, the BMs know about this before the fact and prepare. Clearly this wasn't the case here.

I hope bride and OP work things out, but if they don't, they were probably meant to go separate ways. GL.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dramarant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:34c44dde-97e3-4d31-9699-a07987ebd64bPost:71f80b88-e0f8-430a-908c-611a4c7af424">Re: Bridesmaid drama/rant</a>:
[QUOTE]My bridesmaids' dresses were apparently on the too-expensive side.<strong> I'm glad Mom and I decided to pay for them or there'd probably be posts about me too.......... </strong>I still don't think there's anything wrong with the bride wanting to go with her particular vision. But in the perfect world in my head, the BMs know about this before the fact and prepare. Clearly this wasn't the case here. I hope bride and OP work things out, but if they don't, they were probably meant to go separate ways. GL.
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

And thats perfectly fine, and how it should be.  If a bride insists on a dress that is over the BM's budget, she should pay the difference.  In this case, the bride could say "I really have my heart set on this dress, what is the max you would want to spend?  Okay, I'll cover the addtional $50."  But she isn't, she is just asking her to step down and she would be replaced.  Big difference between you and that bride.  I don't think the BM should have to "prepare" to be in someone's wedding as you said. 

squeakyduck

We're helping to cover dresses and tuxes for people who can't afford it. Because it's more important to me that my friends be there. 

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dramarant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34c44dde-97e3-4d31-9699-a07987ebd64bPost:deadae64-00eb-421b-a72d-cc721f19af65">Re: Bridesmaid drama/rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid drama/rant : So in your world, my sisters...
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

*exasperated sigh*
Obviously there are exceptions. And if the bride wants a person there at all costs she can pay (case and point: one of my BMs is in med school and strapped for cash, so we're paying for the dresses). But that's really at the bride's discretion.

I'll agree in that if the bride is set on a certain dress-type and isn't prepared to help financially, she should be sensitive enough to not ask someone who has no money to begin with, but the OP did not mention any of the financial hardships of your sister, so I assume no extraneous circumstances until I hear them.

Weddings involve a lot of money, planning and stress. I was just giving the bride the benefit of the doubt. Later posts by the OP suggest that bride is not a good friend for way more reasons. Issue at hand please...

sb9411

Get out while you can... she told you that you could peace out if you can't afford the dress. This is just the beginning, I'd leave now.

sb9411

And if you drop out of hers, chances are she won't stand up for you. That's two birds, one stone.

squeakyduck

I don't feel comfortable discussing my finances here, but I am a college student. And by the time her wedding rolls around, I will be a newlywed. And either in or saving for grad school. Suffice it to say, $200 for a dress PLUS travel expenses is well out of my budget. <div>
<div>[QUOTE] <span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">I'll agree in that if the bride is set on a certain dress-type and isn't prepared to help financially, she should be sensitive enough to not ask someone who has no money to begin with, but the OP did not mention any of the financial hardships of your sister, so I assume no extraneous circumstances until I hear them. [/QUOTE]</span></div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">Also her SIL got into on facebook. I've never met this girl and she lectured me on facebook, for being a bad friend. She also said she knew better because she was older than me and already married. </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">This stranger is two years older and has been married for 5 weeks. </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">I think I will take my mother's advice. She's twenty-odd years older than me and has been married almost 25 years. She told me she doesn't even remember what her bridesmaids' dresses looked like. But she remembers who was up there with her. </span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">I'm done with this girl. It wasn't just about the dress. Deciding to end this friendship was not easy, but it had to be done. She was making me miserable. </span></div>