Wedding Etiquette Forum

Assistance needed on aisle 6...about alcohol...long one :) (Duplicate of that on reception ideas boa

Background:  We are having a ~6PM reception with a buffet dinner. We would love to have an open bar for our guests but this is not possible due to FI's grandparents on his father's side being extremely religious and offended by alcohol. FI's own father won't even let his parent's know that he drinks once in a while. The grandmother is also a manic depressant and I don't want to do anything that will put her back into a "spell" ,as the family calls it. Therefore, we are trying to provide alcohol discretely to our guests.

EDIT: FI & I are paying for the majority of the wedding with my parents helping where they can. FI's parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner which I really appreciate.

There are actually a couple of questions rolled into one post now. Initially we were going to do assigned tables to be courteous to the guests as well as know which tables would be drinking. Now FSIL doesn't think assigned tables are a good idea. She says this bc she think people will sit wherever (I accept that this will happen to some degree). This is a wedding in a small town with the majority of FI's family being country folks. Whereas I do have some people coming from out of town, both of coworkers from a larger nearby cities. Space is also limited with nearly half of the guests being his family with about 110 guests total. I basically don't want his family to have to sit with his coworkers. And there are people that I definitely don't want to sit next to my boss. 

We are serving water and lemonade from wine bottles on each 8' rectangular table. Two clear bottles with water and 2 green bottles with lemonade per table.

Idea 1) We thought we could make spiked lemonade for the tables that would be drinking and regular lemonade for those who aren't. Each bottle will be labeled as to the contents but there is still a risk of someone getting ahold of the wrong bottle (not concerned about children as there are only a few attending at a very young age, but moreso the grandparents). Also, what happens when people at a drinking table want regular lemonade... another issue.
 
Idea 2) Somehow provide mini bottles of liquor to those who would like it. I would probably have someone walking around serving it in order to avoid the issue of people taking handfuls at a time just to take home for later. I do understand that this will somehow happen more than likely but maybe just not to as great of an extent. This is also a more expensive option.

So with all of this in mind, what do you ladies think? Should I do the assigned tables? Which idea do you like best for the alcohol? Or do you have another suggestion; I am definitely open to ideas! :)

Thanks, ladies!

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Re: Assistance needed on aisle 6...about alcohol...long one :) (Duplicate of that on reception ideas boa

  • The grandparents are going to find out about the drinking, so why not just tell them up front and save yourself the trouble?  To me this borders on lying to your family...
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  • I vote for C - have alcohol at a bar available for those who want it.  FI's grandparents need to understand that there are many types of people in the world, and many of them enjoy a drink at a social occasion such as a wedding.  
    Trying to sneak alcohol to those who may want it is just WAY more hassle than you need to deal with.  
  • I definitely agree that it's complicated, sneaky, and stressful. And I do worry about her grabbing the wrong bottle which is something I didn't think of at first, for some reason.

    And I am starting to think I'd be better off just offending people in the beginning. I just hate to start drama and I'm afraid that's what is going to happen. I could do a dry wedding but I know the wedding party would be drinking someway, somehow and I feel like that is really rude to the guests. So it's all or none and I really think all is the only option.
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  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited September 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_assistance-needed-aisle-6about-alcohollong-one-duplicate-of-reception-ideas-board-fyi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34d6de09-3d0c-4039-ba9c-070b973b80e8Post:3f672928-5134-4de6-b7aa-515cc39d46f9">Assistance needed on aisle 6...about alcohol...long one :) (Duplicate of that on reception ideas board, FYI)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Background:  We are having a ~6PM reception with a buffet dinner. We would love to have an open bar for our guests but this is not possible due to FI's grandparents on his father's side being extremely religious and offended by alcohol. FI's own father won't even let his parent's know that he drinks once in a while. The grandmother is also a manic depressant and I don't want to do anything that will put her back into a "spell" ,as the family calls it. Therefore, we are trying to provide alcohol discretely to our guests. EDIT: FI & I are paying for the majority of the wedding with my parents helping where they can. FI's parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner which I really appreciate. There are actually a couple of questions rolled into one post now. Initially we were going to do assigned tables to be courteous to the guests as well as know which tables would be drinking. Now FSIL doesn't think assigned tables are a good idea. She says this bc she think people will sit wherever (I accept that this will happen to some degree). This is a wedding in a small town with the majority of FI's family being country folks. Whereas I do have some people coming from out of town, both of coworkers from a larger nearby cities. Space is also limited with nearly half of the guests being his family with about 110 guests total. I basically don't want his family to have to sit with his coworkers. And there are people that I definitely don't want to sit next to my boss.  We are serving water and lemonade from wine bottles on each 8' rectangular table. Two clear bottles with water and 2 green bottles with lemonade per table. Idea 1) We thought we could make spiked lemonade for the tables that would be drinking and regular lemonade for those who aren't. Each bottle will be labeled as to the contents but there is still a risk of someone getting ahold of the wrong bottle (not concerned about children as there are only a few attending at a very young age, but moreso the grandparents). Also, what happens when people at a drinking table want regular lemonade... another issue.   Idea 2) Somehow provide mini bottles of liquor to those who would like it. I would probably have someone walking around serving it in order to avoid the issue of people taking handfuls at a time just to take home for later. I do understand that this will somehow happen more than likely but maybe just not to as great of an extent. This is also a more expensive option. So with all of this in mind, what do you ladies think? Should I do the assigned tables? Which idea do you like best for the alcohol? Or do you have another suggestion; I am definitely open to ideas! :) Thanks, ladies!
    Posted by mmealy[/QUOTE]

    Either serve alcohol openly or don't serve it at all.  What you're planning is complicated and honestly, deceptive which to me is more disrespectful to the Grandparents than serving alcohol in front of them.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
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  • I agree with PP. Trying to sneak alcohol seems more like it would be a high school after-prom than a wedding. Everyone are adults here, so you and your FI should be able to stand up to your grandparents and say "hey, we're paying for this, we want this" and they need to be adults and realize that they have no say on what you do at your wedding.

    As for assigned seating, unless there are JUST enough chairs for guests and you're worried about people being stuck next to others, I don't think it's needed. Every wedding I've been to with a buffett did not have assigned seating since there was no need for any staff to know where your guests are sitting. If you're really worried about it, you can make signs to put on the tables that say "reserved for family." This way people will know to sit somewhere else.
  • If you're worried about causing drama, just have a bar for people who want to drink, but forget to mention it for the next 2 weeks and 1 day.  In fact, I wouldn't bring it up at all.  Just treat it like it's on "oh yeah, people in the world drink" type deal.
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  • You're making things so much more complicated than they need to be.  Either sit down with the grandparents and have a discussion about the fact that alcohol will be served...or don't serve it at all.  If you try to keep up some elaborate secret, it will just backfire and upset people more than if you just tell them outright what is going on.
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  • Yep, ditto don't try to hide it. They are going to find out, so just have an open bar.

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  • Wow--is all I have to say to idea number 1. SERIOUSLY? you are really considering that? I'm not just thinking about  grandma who would be OFFENDED by it...but what about the people that legitimately CAN NOT drink alcohol who think they are simply drinking lemondade? People who are pregnant, on medication etc? You could seriously harm these indiviuals just because you are afraid of being upfront.

    If you are mature enough to have a wedding be mature enough to either serve alcohol (if that's what you want and it sounds like it is ) or don't.

    But that's just my two cents...
  • OK, I agree with what you guys are saying. I didn't really this of it from that angle, so thanks. I'll talk to FI tonight and figure out what we're going to do.

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  • I'm with MrsB - either serve alcohol or don't.
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  • If that was my grandpa, I'd tell him sorry but we're having alcohol, if you choose to not attend over that I will be upset but understanding.

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  • I haven't even read this whole post - and I dont really intend to because I got to the part about the manic depressive grandmother. "The grandmother is also a manic depressant and I don't want to do anything that will put her back into a "spell" ,as the family calls it. Therefore, we are trying to provide alcohol discretely to our guests." My mom has Bipolar Disorder (the much more accurate term for people who are "manic depressive") and I get pretty offended when people make comments about people who are Bipolar.

    I'm sure this woman wouldn't like to know that people call her episodes "spells" - this woman has a chemical imbalance in her brain that causes extreme fluxuations in her mood that can come on in seconds. Even with medication (and lots of it) my mother can still have extreme mood swings - especially in stressful situations such as weddings and the like. Is his grandmother clinically diagnosed or does his family just use the term "manic depressive/bipolar" in a flippiant way like others use "retarded"? 

    In any case - I can guarrantee you that his grandmother will be much more likely to be offended and have a "spell" if she were to find out that you were hiding things from her than if there was just alcohol at the reception.
  • If you want an open bar, have it. If you having an open bar is going to put FI's grandmother into a "spell" as you say, she has bigger issues than alcohol at your wedding. I wouldn't tell anyone about the bar and if his grandparents ask, tell them it is customary in your family.

    Also, I would do table assignments just so you avoid the boss/inlaws situation you described. Guests can use this seating for dinner and then mingle and sit with other friends/family for the rest of the reception.
  • I apologize for not having done my research...what can I say. I didn't know any better and that's what they say. I didn't mean to offend you.
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  • And she is on medication but she starts feeling good and will go off of it. She's been doing really well lately though.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_assistance-needed-aisle-6about-alcohollong-one-duplicate-of-reception-ideas-board-fyi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34d6de09-3d0c-4039-ba9c-070b973b80e8Post:6f1afd73-2108-4a52-9d1e-ebddec3ceb8d">Re: Assistance needed on aisle 6...about alcohol...long one :) (Duplicate of that on reception ideas board, FYI)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I apologize for not having done my research...what can I say. I didn't know any better and that's what they say. I didn't mean to offend you.
    Posted by mmealy[/QUOTE]


    It's all good. I just haven't been on my soapbox in a while - and I'm grumpy this morning lol. But now you know =) Good luck with the wedding and make sure someone keeps an eye on his grandmother and makes sure she takes her medicine (dad has to WATCH my mom take her pills every morning) - hopefully everything works out!
  • LDY, I'm sorry about your mom.  I don't think OP meant anything by it though.  People know not to use the word "retarded" because it's offensive, but misusing the term manic depressive was accidental.  If you (general) didn't have a LO in the family dealing with bipolar episodes you wouldn't know the correct terminology.  I think there's still a lot being learned about this and therefore, a lot of the general public needs to be more educated on it. She was only using the words that she has learned from her family.  I can see where it rubbed you the wrong way, but I'm positive it was unintentional.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • Agree with everyone that you just have a bar, and FI's grandparents can deal.

    Also, I think you should do assigned tables. I know unassigned has worked for some people, but usually you need extra seating in order to avoid groups being split up and people sitting by themselves with strangers. It doesn't sound like you can do that, so just assign tables and take the confusion out of the equation for your guests.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_assistance-needed-aisle-6about-alcohollong-one-duplicate-of-reception-ideas-board-fyi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34d6de09-3d0c-4039-ba9c-070b973b80e8Post:6d0e423f-e668-476b-9992-31a26c419071">Re: Assistance needed on aisle 6...about alcohol...long one :) (Duplicate of that on reception ideas board, FYI)</a>:
    [QUOTE]LDY, I'm sorry about your mom.  I don't think OP meant anything by it though.  People know not to use the word "retarded" because it's offensive, but misusing the term manic depressive was accidental.  If you (general) didn't have a LO in the family dealing with bipolar episodes you wouldn't know the correct terminology.  I think there's still a lot being learned about this and therefore, a lot of the general public needs to be more educated on it. She was only using the words that she has learned from her family.  I can see where it rubbed you the wrong way, but I'm positive it was unintentional.
    Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

    You're right, B, like I said, grumpy this morning and it seems like recently there's been a lot of people just saying "ugh, she's being so biploar" and stuff similar. It just rubs me wrong cause I've always been so over protective of my mom - kinda why I do my best to educate when I feel education is needed. I should have been nicer about it though. Again, grumpy this morning. I'm sure it was unintentional.
  • LOL, some of my friends have had to deal with in-laws who have extreme views on alcohol, too. I know your line of thinking sounds crazy to people who have never been in that situation, but I feel you because I know lots of brides who have tried to work around this same sticky situation. One bride had alcohol available to the wedding party prior to the ceremony (champagne, mimosas, etc.) which kept us happy for a few hours (and made the bossy coordinator a lot more bearable!) Another bride had an area or a room at the reception that was to the side where people who wanted something a little stronger than lemonade could discreetly go. We just let our friends know ahead of time why we were doing that, and most of them were understanding and discreet. Both times things got off without a hitch, and the liberal drinkers didn't seem to mind a bit.


    Good luck. I know it's hard to please everyone, and it would stink to have a totally dry wedding just to keep some country folks happy. :)
  • I went to a wedding where both parents were extremely religious (the bridal party toasted with Sprite) - but there was a cash bar for guests who wanted it. That way you're not personally encouragining it, but its available.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_assistance-needed-aisle-6about-alcohollong-one-duplicate-of-reception-ideas-board-fyi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:34d6de09-3d0c-4039-ba9c-070b973b80e8Post:455c32d9-9354-45be-a1d3-a944f1df9e66">Re: Assistance needed on aisle 6...about alcohol...long one :) (Duplicate of that on reception ideas board, FYI)</a>:
    [QUOTE] And I really don't get super-religious types hating alcohol. Hello.... Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding. The man liked his merlot.
    Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

    Hahaha, I wanted to say this to my FI's grandparents who are very strict southern baptist and think alcohol is the root of all evil.  But I just didnt, cause I'm a chicken..

    Anyways, yea, I feel your pain OP.  I had a family member (I only see her a couple times a year, thank god), tell me my plans for an open bar at the wedding is immoral because its providing people with their "drug."  She said its the same as having a crack station. 

    ..what do you even say to that? 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_assistance-needed-aisle-6about-alcohollong-one-duplicate-of-reception-ideas-board-fyi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:34d6de09-3d0c-4039-ba9c-070b973b80e8Post:db6bd454-a673-4fed-84a7-40e9557bbd5f">Re: Assistance needed on aisle 6...about alcohol...long one :) (Duplicate of that on reception ideas board, FYI)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I went to a wedding where both parents were extremely religious (the bridal party toasted with Sprite) - but there was a cash bar for guests who wanted it. That way you're not personally encouragining it, but its available.
    Posted by ptxl[/QUOTE]

    I don't get this. Don't be rude to your guests. Alcohol is alcohol and if you're against it for religious reasons, serving it at all should be a no-no. Making someone pay $6/drink doesn't automatically make it better. You're still condoning it.

    I went to a dry wedding last weekend because of the religious beliefs of the bride and groom. I expected it and was a little disappointed at first, but it was pretty fun anyway.

    However, I only encourage that if YOU don't want alcohol at the wedding. If you want it and grandma doesn't, tough cookies, you're paying.
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  • When my best friend got married, there was no alcohol, because the groom's father is an alcoholic and can get very violent when he drinks.  Let me tell you, nobody missed the alcohol.  There were about 150 guests of all backgrounds and cultures, and it really seemed like everyone had a great time.  I don't remember hearing anyone complain about there not being alcohol.  A lot of people think they need alcohol to help them "loosen up and have fun," but the happy, party atmosphere of a reception really does that on its own.  It would be nice if you could somehow provide unlimited soft drinks, but don't think you NEED alcohol, especially when it's this much of a problem.  People should understand that they came to celebrate a marriage, not to drink themselves silly!
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