New here and have to vent!

ehaney11

Hi, I'm fairly new here, athough I have been lurking for a little while. I just want an opinion on a wedding my FI is an Usher in and from what I've seen some rude behavior on the bride/groom part.

For starters, FI and I live together and have been engaged for over a year. When they sent their invitations it was addressed to Mr.FI and guest. I was a little offended because they know we live together, and they know we are engaged, and we have all known each other for years. Ok, whatever, I blew it off. T

Then late last week FI got an invitation for the rehershal dinner, only addressed to him. I though that was odd, but figured that because of cost reasons they weren't inviting any SO's. Then  talking with a friend, whose husband is in the wedding as the other usher,  tells me she was invited to the rehersal dinner along with their 2 kids. The same goes for the best mans wife and their 3 kids.  I thought that was rude, but won't say anything to them about it because I don't want to start anything.

Then today, FI gets a call about our RSVP that we sent in before the due date, telling him that he couldn't bring a guest. Excuse me? It was addressed to him and guest. I'm starting to wonder if they just don't like me. Does this seem odd to anyone else?

scurtis07

hmm, this is an odd situation. But I think that maybe they are closer with other families/wives and have limited space, and so maybe they only invited them. Or perhaps they don't like you, this is possible....but you need to have your FI talk to these people and explain why you RSVP'd that way, and ask why you can't come.

ehaney11

FI was kinda pissed. He told me he would drop out, but I told him not to because we already paid for the tux and its nonrefundable. And plus  I don't want start any type of drama because we have a lot of mutual friends. So he said he would stay for the WP dance that they said he has to do, and then leave.

scurtis07

well I don't think YOU should worry about STARTING drama, because they already have by A. not inviting you, B. accidentally inviting you, and C. then rejecting you from there wedding and uninviting you again.

scurtis07

their** wedding.

And also, I think that instead of just "dropping out" he needs to ask them WTF. Don't be passive, ask them straight up what is the deal, maybe there is a reasonable explanation but you are too worried about stirring things up to even ask.

tenofcups4me

Didn't he ask them why when he got that phone call? It almost sounds like you've gotten into some sort of fight with them that you don't know about! Or they way-over-invited and are cutting like mad right now. Neither of which is acceptable. I think your FH should find out wtf is going on.

TTiger03

The good news is that you don't have to invite them to your wedding.  I know everyone agrees if you sent save the dates that you need to invite them, but I think we might all be willing to make an exception for the couple that sent you an actual invite and revoked it.
I agree with those above that your FI needs to ask what's going on.  It sounds like they are frantic to make cuts.
Since it sounds like he would be happier to be with you than be part of this wedding, when he hears what is going on, let him decide if he really wants to be in the wedding party.  I know you don't want to start drama and already paid for the tux, but if he doesn't want to spend time with people who are behaving this way then it's probably worth the loss.  I know it's awful to drop out of a party like that, but if he doesn't want to be there he probably wouldn't make for the best member of the party anyway. 
Best to just let FI and the couple talk it out. 
Your FI is a good man.

MrsNash2be

I was just gonna say these people aren't your friends and to let it go until I read that your invite got revoked! You are the FI, not just a GF so I think your man should politely tell them he's sorry but he can't make it with out you.  FI needs to defend you on this one

waltzingmatilda13

Yeah, I think your FI should demand that you be able to attend with you or drop out. He really needs to have your back at this point otherwise it looks like he's giving in to their stupidity and rudeness. So what if he already paid for the tux? I think it's a small price to pay to be rid of these people from your lives.

Beachy730

Agreed with PPs.  Inviting the other's wives and kids but not you to the RD is rude.  If space or a guest list was an issue they shouldn't have invited the kids.  You are a FI not a GF, and even if not you live with then which warrants an invite anyways.  As for the wedding itself, did FI say anything when they told him you weren't invited?  Personally, if this happened to H and I, I wouldn't care if the tux rental cost $500, I would suck up the loss and have him drop out if they are going to insist on you not coming to even the wedding.  He's a good man that he offered to do that.  As for causing a scene or creating drama, the drama has been created already by them.  And any of your mutual friends I would hope would understand where you and FI are coming from. 

Meg1979

Wow, that's pretty freaking rude that they would invite you and then take it back.  I mean, invites to me are not STDs.  Once they have left your house and say who is invited that stands.  You can't all of a sudden take it back.  I agree with the PPs and would argue that your FI needs to ask what is up.  I mean, it's not like you two are casually dating or something.  You are his FI!!

smore154

That's so mean. I hate people sometimes! FI should have totally called them on it. WHO DOES THAT!!!!!!

Pirata13

Yeah FI needs to ask what's up.  IT's all pretty ridiculous.  And rude.  And if he still decides to stay in the wedding, I'd tell them to eff themselves on the wedding party dance. Or have him drive separate then just not show up at the reception at all. I'd be like "yeah I'll see you guys there" then not show. Let them do their WP dance without him. Simply "I'm not coming to the reception without my fiance."  If he does decide to stay in the WP, it's looking like this friendship will be over. But have FI talk to them and see what's going on.  If they overinvited and are scrambling to make cuts, they should explain that. And deal with it without being douches.

tldh

Your FI needs to find out what is going on.  If I were him, I'd go to the ceremony and let the B&G know beforehand that I would not be going to the reception and will instead be taking my fiancee out for a fancy dinner since I'm already in the tux.

rbtrumpet

agree w/ PP - SAY SOMETHING to them, or let FI say something.

I'm usually passive-aggressive (bad, I know), but this is too much.

not inviting you to the rehearsal dinner is a pretty awful thing to do, but actually inviting you (even if as "and guest") and then saying you can't come???  ohh heck no!



Maybe your FI can drop out all together, and you can still go out for that fancy dinner in his tux

banana468

I have to say that the way they're treating you is awful if they're doing this knowingly.

If someone did this to me, I'd just say, "I just want to make sure that DH is invited to the RD and reception."  If they said he wasn't invited to either, I have to assume that I'd be close enough to at least one member of the couple to say, "Can I ask why?"

And I'd probably in turn let them know that I understand budget issues, etc, but I also can't go along with something that's so rude to my spouse.   And depending on where the wedding is taking place, I'd either attend just the rehearsal and ceremony or I wouldn't be driving out of my way to attend either.

But this would be after a heart to heart trying to let them know how their actions make me feel.  I wouldn't be passive aggressive about it.  But I wouldn't be playing along as if everything was OK by me either.  This would be a huge friendship issue if someone did that to me.

mica178

Wow.  Rescinding invitations and a WP dance.  Klassy.

If your FI is close enough to this couple to be invited to be an usher, then he's close enough to ask what's up with the "and guest," the uninvitation of said "and guest" and that lack of acknowledgement of his engaged status.

It'd be one thing for my FI to attend an entire wedding/reception without me if I couldn't attend becaue of scheduling issues (my issues, not the B&G's).  But if I wasn't invited, I would expect FI to either decline the invitation or just attend the ceremony.

Let them choreograph a WP dance without an usher. 

banana468

Exactly mica.  It's one thing if half a social unit can't make it.  But it's totally rude to decide that for the unit.

And on a day that they're celebrating their unending love they're splitting up others?

Yeah - this is one of those few times that they'd get an etiquette book from me as a gift with highlights and tabbed pages.

redheadfsu

This is one of the rudest and most mishandled guestlist fiascos I have heard of. Sorry. Your FI has every right to question them about the revoked "and guest" & then decline based on your lack of an invite.

jnic0319

FI's old college roommate got married last month and did this to his groomsman, only his was no ring no invite and rescinded the "and guest."  We are talking serious live in girlfriends too not casual flings.  2 of the groomsmen were mutual friends of ours and called for our advice and we told them to drop out.  When they did all of a sudden their gf's magically got invited again.  total bs.

My FI would 100% drop out if someone did that to us, even if we weren't engaged yet.  I would have him talk to them and find out if something is wrong, and then let them know he is very sorry but he will not be able to attend their wedding or participate without you being invited.  End of story.

jesolivo

I'm casting my vote with the majority--your FI needs to ask what's going on. At the very least it will clarify your relationship with this couple going forward. If it was one instance of them slighting you it could be shaken off, but when you put the whole picture together it's extremely rude and disrespectful.

Meg1979

In Response to Re: New here and have to vent!:
[QUOTE]And who makes the ushers participate in a WP dance anyway?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]


I agree.  I don't really think of the ushers as part of the WP, not even getting into WP dances.

RamaOtster

rbtrumpet

"Maybe your FI can drop out all together, and you can still go out for that fancy dinner in his tux "

TOTALLY AGREE! This is too weird!

Still call them on it though. Even if they are trying to cut the list because of space they should not be cutting wedding party SO's. As far as I'm concerned the SO to your wedding party is basically the top of the list of people to invite!

RebeccaB88

If I was in this situation, the only acceptable thing my FI could say was 'Either my FI is invited or I will not be able to be in the wedding.'   Period.    And then stand behind it.

How.  Rude.