I know this is not normal but, I have to ask

mommas52006

So, we are going through our guest list for invitations. My fiance tells me that a few people have asked him if they were going to be invited, he told them, and I quote "you may not get an invitation, but you are more then welcome to come after the dinner and have some cocktails"  my mouth fell open. I dont think this is okay, for one we need to give a head count to the hall, for two, isnt that rude to tell people they wont get an invite for dinner, but come up for drinks? He doesnt see the problem with this. 
can you give me any advice and or opinions on this? Am I wrong? HELP:)

mandysmear

No, you can't really do that. 

andyandhillary

Wow, he is definitely wrong.  Talk to your FI about that.  Tell him that the next time someone asks have him say something along the lines of "Oh we're having a small wedding (if you are)" or "Unfortunately we'd love to celebrate with everyone but due to budget restraints we just not able to".  For those particular people I would drop it unless they bring it up.  If they do, insert previous statements. 

PirateintheSky

Its totally not cool... but the damage is done. I would probably just invite them so that it wouldn't be super awkward 1. If they started asking for information about where and when and 2. If they did actually show up without an invitation.  I'd definitely tell your FI that unless he intends to send an invitation to someone, he shouldn't verbally invite them to anything.

Pirata13

Definitely not cool. You need to tell FI not to open his mouth anymore about anything WR unless he checks with you first. If he still doesn't get it, start asking him which of his other family & friends he'd like to start cutting off the guest list to accomodate these people he "sort of" invited, maybe that will get the point through.

Manwaithiel

This is super stupid. I don't know what gets into guys' heads that makes them think it's okay to invite people to just a portion of a party.

Tell him to stop it. It is extremely rude of him to do this. I would honestly not have a problem with making him go back to these people and say "I'm sorry, but due to our budget issues, we have to keep our guest list extremely limited," and make him suffer through that. HOWEVER, that's probably not the most diplomatic solution. If you have room, invite them anyway and make it clear to FI that if he does any more "verbal invites" you will be sending him back to uninvite them and he'll need to deal with it himself.

I realize some people think it's really rude and you're just going to piss people off by "uninviting them" but if the person in question has already been warned against such things, then it's their mess that they need to fix. Sometimes, you really just can't fit anymore people.

landra310s

It's definitely not OK, but my fiance wants to do the same thing.  A few of his friends have done this (I'm sure the new wife knew nothing about this verbal invite).  I think its horrible, and I don't understand why guys think its ok.  We are going to try to invite everyone if the budget is where it needs to be next summer for our October wedding.  But if not I'm sure they'll all show up after the meal has been served.  I can't stop it.  Good luck to you, you're going to need it!

Schocked

It certainly isn't right, but it isn't the end of the world either. I would either officially invite them or have your fiance explain that you are keeping the wedding to a close group of friends and family... However, if people do show up for dancing after dinner don't let it stress you out, clearly that weren't THAT offended or they wouldn't have come.

frenchy730

Yeah it's a no-no to invite people to come to the reception after dinner is over.  It's like telling them that you sorta-kinda want them to be there, but they are not important enough to eat dinner with the A-team.  The best thing to do would be to tell these people that due to budget/room occupancy limits/etc, you have to keep the guest-list restricted to only family and a few very close friends.  Most people understand this.

I've seen this done before, and it was pretty awful to witness.  I dont reccomend it.  Invite everyone out for drinks sometime after the wedding... like when you get back from your honeymoon or something.

mommas52006

Thanks everyone. He tried telling me everyone does it. I have never heard anyone or seen anyone do this. I told him this is our wedding, not a BBQ! I swear what do men think!

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]So, we are going through our guest list for invitations. My fiance tells me that a few people have asked him if they were going to be invited, he told them, and I quote "you may not get an invitation, but you are more then welcome to come after the dinner and have some cocktails"  my mouth fell open. I dont think this is okay, for one we need to give a head count to the hall, for two, isnt that rude to tell people they wont get an invite for dinner, but come up for drinks? He doesnt see the problem with this.  can you give me any advice and or opinions on this? Am I wrong? HELP:)
Posted by mommas52006[/QUOTE]

You are not wrong. Please make him stop! Good luck ;^)

Beachy730

Its definitely rude to invite them to only a part.  I have to admit though, we had some people come to our reception after dinner.  They were a few girls from my softball team who knew we couldn't invite anyone from the team, but a few girls asked if they could crash the party after dinner.  Since they asked, I didn't think it was that poor of etiquette, and I was happy to have them there.  Also, my brother was in from OOT for my wedding, and he asked if he could have 2 of his good friends come for drinks after dinner, and they did.  So technically I broke this etiquette rule, but I guess kinda not since H and I didn't actually invite anyone. 

I agree with the PP though that said whats done is done.  Don't invite them just because of it, and don't uninvite them to come later.  If they come, then they weren't offended, especially if as your FI said they are used to it.  But I would definitely tell him not to ask anyone else.  As for the venue and how they charge for it, they don't.  We only had a few and never mentioned it to them because I figure it balances out people like my great grandma who had dinner and left and had no drinks.  But also, we had about 5 people who RSVP'd yes and then were no-shows, so in way I guess they just took their place.  Haha too bad they didn't come eat the dinner we paid for.

Kristin789

Totally rude, and these people will think that you and your FI are totally gift-grabby because no one is going to get dressed up and come over for drinks and dancing at a WEDDING without a gift.

And it's really disrespectul to your parents for him to be deliberately extending the reception bar bill.

LD1970

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_this-not-normal-but-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:35441eb2-662a-4c98-9832-b74eceb702cdPost:9d0b8f7b-cea2-498c-a1e2-ce98a1294e5d">Re: I know this is not normal but, I have to ask</a>:
[QUOTE]Totally rude, and these people will think that you and your FI are totally gift-grabby because no one is going to get dressed up and come over for drinks and dancing at a WEDDING without a gift. And it's really disrespectul to your parents for him to be deliberately extending the reception bar bill.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]
Who said her parents were paying?

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know this is not normal but, I have to ask : <strong> Who said her parents were paying?</strong>
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
Nearly all of Kristin's advice seems to be based on how the bride's parents "should" pay.