Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bridesmaid Help!--confusing family issues

I've asked everyone in my family and they are split 50/50...so I figured I'd ask for help you all.

For my wedding party, I decided to make things easy on myself by just asking my family--meaning, my sister and all of my female cousins, and my fiance's sister.  All of them are younger than me, and I thought I had the perfect plan.  Until one of my cousins (age 16--half cousin) decided to completely act out.  I haven't asked her or her half sister (also age 16--'full' cousin, or however that should be worded) yet, but I have asked everyone else in the wedding party to be a bridesmaid. 

The half cousin has been a part of my life since she was two and I was 10, I love her so much and wanted her to be in my wedding.  But since I've been engaged, she has really severed family ties and has done some awful things to my uncle (my favorite uncle, my Godfather, my second dad).  Additionally, I've heard through the grapevine that my uncle's marriage is a little rocky (he is married to the half-cousin's mom, who has yet to congratulate me on my wedding, or even acknowledge the fact that I'm engaged, which is really upsetting). Unfortunately, I'm not anywhere near the location of the situation to feel out the problem for myself. All I'm hearing is what another bridesmaid and my grandmother have told me. 

I just don't know what to do.  I love the idea of including all of my little cousins, but if my half cousin is being a b**ch, and treating my uncle horribly, I don't know if I want her to be a part of the wedding.  But I would be even more upset if I couldn't ask my cousin (the half cousin's sister) to be in the wedding, but the most polite thing I think would be to just leave those two out, since they are the same age. I've asked my grandma to keep an eye on the situation but I would just like to have everything finalized and it's a sticky situation.

Sorry, my family situation is confusing.  My MOH says to ask all cousins, my mom says just leave the half cousin out, and my other BM suggested leaving both cousins out.  I am torn, because I love my cousin, but I really hate that she's making my uncle's life difficult and I'm worried about what will happen with any scenario. My uncle really doesn't need any more drama in his life.

Any advice would be so helpful! Thanks!

Re: Bridesmaid Help!--confusing family issues

  • If you want to ask her, ask her. Don't get in the middle of their drama and if she doesn't do anything to you I think you should include her. Hopefully they will be adults and act mature about the wedding, which is probably the least of their worries right now.
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  • ...I don't understand how someone can be a "half" cousin if their sister is a "full" cousin.  The only way I can see that someone could be a "half" cousin is if their parent is your parent's half sibling.

    Unless this is some inbreeding shiiit where your parent's two half siblings had a kid together, so the two halves add to be a full cousin and then one of the half siblings had a kid with someone else and that one's the half cousin.

    That's what I got from that.
  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-confusing-family-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36a7d776-f4b9-4cbf-884f-4686aee24f59Post:ba9f8f88-b716-413e-b056-f3d18cf960a1">Re: Bridesmaid Help!--confusing family issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]..<strong>.I don't understand how someone can be a "half" cousin if their sister is a "full" cousin. </strong> The only way I can see that someone could be a "half" cousin is if their parent is your parent's half sibling. Unless this is some inbreeding shiiit where your parent's two half siblings had a kid together, so the two halves add to be a full cousin and then one of the half siblings had a kid with someone else and that one's the half cousin. That's what I got from that.
    Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

    <div>OP, did you mean "step?" You said that the BM/cousin in question came into the picture when she was 2, so was she the woman's child from a previous marriage? </div><div>
    </div><div>Anyway, I would just stay out of the drama. Remember you are only hearing part of the story, and that things can always be told from another perspective. As for asking, the cousin in question would have to be doing some MAJOR stuff to my family (stealing, abuse, trying to kill/sleep with people they shouldn't, etc) for me to feel the way you feel. I'd take more offense if her actions were geared at ME or my FI, you know? Also, I personally would ask both cousins or neither to avoid even more family drama. </div>
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  • Your bridal party is supposed to be your nearest and dearest. If you didn't know any of the other "stuff" you mentioned would you consider her your nearest and dearest? Whatever that is, is your answer.
  • Omigosh, is your grandmother your secret agent? Please don't ask her to spy on one grandchild for another grandchild. I'm also not sure how she is your half cousin. Even if you're related to her through marriage and not blood, she's still your cousin. There is no need for terms like full or half. My advice is to stop listening to rumours and gossip. Regardless of the source, this is your decision, no one else's. Are you afraid to ask her because you don't think your uncle will be married to her mom, your aunt, for much longer, or something? It sounds like that's what you're getting at, but I can't be sure.
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  • em01092em01092 member
    1000 Comments
    edited January 2012
    Yeah if the two cousins are both 16 I don't get how one is half and one is full. I really think OP meant step. 
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  • That wiki definition made my brain hurt, not gunna lie. I'm going to go with step-cousin, too.
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  • You still have some time before you have to decide whether to ask her or not.

    I'm going to go off my experience of raising 4 girls here.  You can a couple of kinds of rebellious teenagers.  The first is just mouthy and usually doesn't think their parents have the brains God gave a rock.  Those kids are a pain but perfectly normal.

    Then you can have rebellious teens who are skipping school, drinking, maybe dabbling in drugs and running with a very wrong crowd.  Those kids are a different story.  If your cousin is in this group  I would most likely pass on asking her to be in the BP as there are some big issues going on.

    Lots of teen girls treat their parents disrespectfully.  Sometimes it is growing pains and sometimes it is a sign of much bigger trouble.  Please don't ask your g'ma to spy on your cousin.  Keep other people out of this as it can only cause someone to be in the middle and that can be viewed as being disloyal to the family.

    Stop asking everyone for their opinion and just mull this over yourself.  You will come up with the right answer if you don't have a hundred different opinions telling you something different.


    Sometimes young girls start going down a bad path and it just takes someone else to come along and pull them back on the right road before big trouble starts.

  • Is anything this cousin is doing to your uncle affecting you directly? If not, stay out of their family drama and ask both the (I believe we've established) step-cousin and cousin to be in the WP. I think it would be more hurtful to leave the both of them out because you're having EVERY OTHER female in your family in the WP. It would also be pretty crappy IMO to leave this 16 year old out because of what she's doing to your uncle, and not you.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-confusing-family-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36a7d776-f4b9-4cbf-884f-4686aee24f59Post:ba9f8f88-b716-413e-b056-f3d18cf960a1">Re: Bridesmaid Help!--confusing family issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]...I don't understand how someone can be a "half" cousin if their sister is a "full" cousin.  The only way I can see that someone could be a "half" cousin is if their parent is your parent's half sibling. Unless this is some inbreeding shiiit where your parent's two half siblings had a kid together, so the two halves add to be a full cousin and then one of the half siblings had a kid with someone else and that one's the half cousin. That's what I got from that.
    Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, I am big on genealogy and I am stumped on the concept of half-cousin.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-confusing-family-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36a7d776-f4b9-4cbf-884f-4686aee24f59Post:bf98eeda-d974-45e0-a4e6-86c6d0806be1">Re: Bridesmaid Help!--confusing family issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just so you know what a half-cousin is.  How is one sister your cousin and the other your half cousin?  Because from this explanation (from Wiki) that isn't possible. Half-siblings  share only one parent. Half-cousins share just one grandparent (whereas full first cousins share two grandparents with each other). Half-cousins are the children of two half-siblings (and their different partners). For example, if one of John's parents and one of Mary's parents are half-siblings, then John and Mary are half-first cousins. The half-sibling of each of their respective parents would be their half-aunt or half-uncle but these terms, although technically specific, are rarely used colloquially. While it would not be unusual to hear of another's half-brother, or half-sister, so described, in common usage one would rarely hear of another's half-cousins or half-aunt, so described, and instead hear them described simply as the other's cousin or aunt. Also, children of half-first cousins are half-second cousins to each other and so on because they would share only one common great-grandparent out of eight instead of two, and so on.
    Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

    Okay, thanks for posting this.<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />  I have a big Irish family and do genealogy as a hobby and I thought I knew it all, lol.  I guess what is confusing is that one sister is a full cousin and the other is a half cousin. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-confusing-family-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36a7d776-f4b9-4cbf-884f-4686aee24f59Post:ba9f8f88-b716-413e-b056-f3d18cf960a1">Re: Bridesmaid Help!--confusing family issues</a>:
    [QUOTE]...I don't understand how someone can be a "half" cousin if their sister is a "full" cousin.  The only way I can see that someone could be a "half" cousin is if their parent is your parent's half sibling. Unless this is some inbreeding shiiit where your parent's two half siblings had a kid together, so the two halves add to be a full cousin and then one of the half siblings had a kid with someone else and that one's the half cousin. That's what I got from that.
    Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

    My gggrandfather married three times.  I descend from the second marriage, so his descendents are half - aunts, uncles and cousins.

    BTW, I can say this with confidence as I am a professional genealogist with over 30 years of experience.
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