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Etiquette

Accepting a Shower when you can't attend host's OOT wedding?

Hello! I wondered what you all thought about the predicament I find myself in.

My good friend and bridesmaid offered to throw me a couples shower to celebrate my June wedding.. I initially said yes and thanked profusely. She got engaged over NYE, and will be married this October in Alabama - which, I hate to say, is a trip that I cannot afford. We've been friends for 10+ years, but we have to pay for my own wedding + honeymoon, which were booked before her engagement. I hate it, but money doesn't grow on trees. 

After she got engaged, I didn't hear anything about the shower, so I figured it was scrapped to further focus on her own wedding -- totally okay! But today she shoots me a message asking me if I was still interested in having her throw me one. This presents a unique opportunity. I can gracefully decline, or continue to accept.

Because of the fact that I'm unable to attend her wedding (haven't yet told her - I want to do it in person and it's been snowstorming here in Kansas), am I correctly thinking that I should politely decline the invitation for her and her mom to throw me a shower? 

Re: Accepting a Shower when you can't attend host's OOT wedding?

  • I don't see how the two are connected? She wants to throw you a shower- fabulous, thank her graciously! You can't attend her OOT wedding, unfortunate but that's life.

    Does she know you can't attend? If it's really bothering you, tell her your worries. If she's as good of a friend as you say, she'll be gracious and tell you you're being silly for worrying.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Well, it's the nature of the beast that when throwing a wedding that's not convenient for someone to attend, you (generic) need to accept that they won't be there with maturity and grace.

    But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't accept a shower from her just because you can't attend her wedding.  There's no quid pro quo there.  In fact, it might be that she understands that you can't come to her wedding and she sees this is a chance for her to share with you not just your wedding but also hers even though you can't personally attend hers.
  • I agree with PPs that the two aren't related.
    But talking to her in person (or at least over the phone) and being up front with your worries might be a good idea.
    If she's a good friend she'll understand either way, but some of the sting in the disappointment might be taken out.


    But October is a long time from now. No idea where in Alabama, but it looks like tickets from KC to Birmingham are roughly $430. That's a lot but a lot of things can happen between now and then (raises/promotions/monetary wedding gifts).

    I hope it works out!
  • personally I would still accept the shower.  Her wedding and your wedding are completely different events and should not be tit for tat.  Your friend will hopefully understand you cannot afford it and it should not jepordise her hosting your shower if she already offered.  You can still be happy for her when its her turn.  You can still be invited, attend her shower, bachelorette party, etc.  October is still a few months away.  You never know, maybe it will work out that you will be able to attend.  So I wouldn't say a definite yes or no.  Since you are close friends, its  fine to let her know that will depend--  Most brides who have a destination wedding are prepared for people not being able to attend although they would like to.
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  • You can tell her that it would be appreciated but would understand with her planning her own wedding later in the year out of state that if it was too much for her timewise or financially you woud understand. This allows her to still throw you the part but gives her an out too in case she needs the money for her own wedding. 

     You can talk to her about it when you see her & share your concerns about not possibly being able to attend her wedding. My guess is you're honest and talk to her, you guys will be able to work things out 
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