Wedding Etiquette Forum

I don't want to accept the money, what should I do?

My mother is supposed to pay for a few items in our wedding.  She would be paying about $3,000.  The problem is she just got laid off.  Of course I told her forget about the money.  FI and I have the money in the bank.  She insists on still paying for those items.   I would feel terrible accepting the money, but I know it's something she and my stepdad want to do.  What would you do?

Re: I don't want to accept the money, what should I do?

  • Probably accept the money if she insisted, but give them a really nice gift/gift card in return!
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  • I think you have expressed to her that you would rather her just save the money and you guys will handle it. However, I don't think she is going to allow you to refuse the money, so just accept it and then if they need help in the near future, then maybe you guys could help them out or something.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-want-accept-money-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:36f1e61e-ea8e-4696-9952-3e60289b48dbPost:b54e70bf-a2f4-4be5-a4d3-bf31737bce5c">Re: I don't want to accept the money, what should I do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you have expressed to her that you would rather her just save the money and you guys will handle it. However, I don't think she is going to allow you to refuse the money, so just accept it and then if they need help in the near future, then maybe you guys could help them out or something.
    Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

    <div>This.</div>
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  • wyneywyney member
    First Comment
    It sounds as though your mother had already offered the money, and you had already accepted it, before this happen.

    While a lay off definitely changes people's financial priorities, they don't necessarily turn them completely upside down.  When determining how much she was going to offer, I am sure she budgeted for what she could afford (more or less).  Budgeting decisions should always assume the risk of job loss. 

    What I am getting at is that at the time of the contribution offer, your mother knew she could lose her job.  I think you should accept her contributions and making extra sure to keep costs reasonable.
  • Ditto the others. Your mother might be more upset if you continually refuse the funds.
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  • Maybe you can negotiate and accept half of the money, telling her $1,500 would be more than enough.
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  • Have you tried asking her to help out in other ways instead of money? Like is she good with flowers, decorating, food, or anything else that she could help out with instead? My mom was determined to help us and tried to give us money she didn't have. I politely declined it (more than once) and found other ways for her to help. She is an excellent cook, so I'm buying all the food and she is going to make it for the AHR and she was very happy with the compromise. That's just my example, but if your mom is good at something maybe you could talk to her about contributing that way instead. Otherwise, like pp said, just graciously accept the money and either put it aside or offer to help them out if something comes up in the future.
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  • if she absolutely insists on giving it to you, you could take it and invest it in a CD in her name or something, then give it back later if/when she has difficulty finding new employment, etc.
  • Being laid off does not automatically mean financial devastation.

    How well do you know your mom's financial situation?  My father could be laid off today and it would not make much of a difference for them.  Sure they might go out to dinner less but they have always been financial savvy that $3k would not make or break them in this type of situation.

    If it were my parents I would still accept the money because my parents would NEVER compromise their situation by offering money they could not afford. 

    That said,   I also know other people who gives money away when it's clear they do not have it.  

    I guess I would base my decision on how financially savvy they are than solely on the fact mom was just just laid off.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • edited April 2011
    Thanks everyone for your opinions.  
    I don't know their exact situation.  I don't think that they are headed for ruin anytime soon.  It's just that the idea of her shelling out thousands for a party when she just got laid off seems silly.  Basically the $3,000 is a fairly set amount because she agreed to pay for certain aspects.  

    Nurse.misty,  those are great suggestions, they just wouldn't work for us.  We've hired people to do everything.  Our venue is doing the catering and the florist is doing the flowers.  The DOC is overseeing and doing the decor (other than the flowers).  We are not having a rehearsal or day after brunch.  

    I'll just accept the money.  To be honest, if she did need money, I doubt she would ask FI and myself.  She has other family members in much better financial situations who would be willing to help out.  
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