Holiday Momma Drama (sorry long)

tinstarsunshine

I've been dating FI for almost 7 years.  His mother has graciously invited me to their holiday festivities for thanksgiving and Xmas all this time.  I was always thankful and it was sweet since she knew both my parents have crazy schedules (mom is a nurse and dad works for a 24/7 company and is on call often) and I would sometimes be alone since close family had moved away.

This year my aunts moved back to to the northeast and are trying to reinstill the holiday traditions we used to have.  FI and I were invited to Thanksgiving and Xmas in Jersey with my family and Hartford with his.

I thoughts splitting time with both families would be okay since they are 3hrs apart and there is no traffic on the day of holidays.  Well I thought wrong because FMIL flipped her lid!  She sat me down on Thanksgiving morning and bluntly told me she expects her sons in HER home on thanksgiving, xmas and easter every year.   I was dumbstruck.  She proceeded to tell me that she refused to share her sons with my family on those days (she said cousins and such are not important family!).  When we told her that is not realistic she ran out crying.  At this point FFIL says I can see my family tomorrow (after the holiday!) 

Now I am incensed.  I kindly tell him that is not an option for me and walk back to my room to mull over this mess.  I am in FMIL's home and it I dont want to ruin a holiday.  If I call my family up to ask them to pick me up or tell them I am not coming they will know I am upset and this will cause animosity between both families.  We still managed to make it to my family's dinner in Jersey thanks to FI's brother's help mediating. 

The problem now is that I am still upset with FMIL.  She knows she was out of line and made a half ass attempt to apologize when I told her I would not be attending xmas at her home this year (for seperate reasons).  Now that the holidays are over I want to resolve this dillema so we can avoid it next year. I realize she is afraid of "losing" her son but I am extremely hurt and angry by her comments. How do i broach this subject with her in a respectful way? 

baystateapple

Yeah I agree with PP, this is definitely up to your FI to solve.  He needs to tell his mother that it is not only unrealistic of her to expect you to never see your family at the holidays, but incredibly selfish.  Good luck.

SunriseAmber

I agree with PP's. Your FI needs to do the talking. That must be hard to go through. What did he say to her when he found out the stuff she said?

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Yeah, your FI is going to have to stand up to her for you and he's going to have to do it soon.

I understand why she might feel so strongly but you guys are going to be family, so she's going to have to understand that you have your own family too.

Don't you dare let your FI just say "oh that's just the way she is" or brush this off.

redheadfsu

Shoot I picked the wrong one.

But like I said in the duplicate...

What did your FI do? My husband would have told her no and then we would have left. If your FI can't stand up to her...I would have a big old fight with him, not her. He should fix this, not you.

+HeatherW

Your FI needs to stand up and put things straight with his family.

My H and I had to do this with both of our families once we got engaged. Both sides expected us at their houses from morning till night. we explained that since we were spending the holiday's together, family time would be split up. Not us.

7 years later we just started doing holiday events at our house and told everyone if they want to see us or the kids...they come here. It's solved problems and everyone just comes here to eat and be merry.

mehgank

This is one of those difficult situations that come along with being in a relationship. When I was with my exH, we had five sets of parents that we had to split the holidays between. You and your FI need to sit down and figure out a game plan, for instance, spend Thanksgiving with your family and Christmas with his one year, and then switch the next year, that sort of thing.

If FMIL doesn't like that plan, then tough shiit. Your family deserves to see you during the holidays, too, no matter if they're mom/dad/cousins/aunts/uncles, they're your family and they're important to you.

tinstarsunshine

Thanks for the advice ladies! 
Never considered it to be his job since I was basically the one she told off.   I just thought this whole time I was the one who had to talk to her about this craziness.
I'm going to sit down and talk with him tonight. He mentioned something last night about talking with her already but it was late and he didn't elaborate.  He's the first to admit his mom is spoiled but this is the first time I've seen her behave so rudely. Thanks ladies and sorry about the duplicate posts!