How to retract invite to grandparents?

KCseishin

Ok, this is not so much an uninvite as a - you've made your decision issue. I didn't invite my Dad's brother to my wedding (long story), he was however called and informed that this would be the situation as I wanted to be clear and not just, not send an invitation. However, my grandparents have now decided that as I'm not inviting him, they too will not be attending. They conveyed this via my Dad and have had no contact with me regarding their attendance. My Dad is understandably upset but has always and still does fully support my decision not to invite his brother.

Personally I think my grandparents are posturing and trying to emotionally blackmail me, partially through upsetting my Dad, into inviting their other son - however I feel that they may back down as the wedding gets closer. I don’t want to allow this as I feel that if they feel it’s ok to say such things they clearly have little respect for both me and my wedding, as their behaviour is hurtful. Never mind their behavior towards my Dad and disregard for his feelings – he’s their son too.

 

I now want to make it clear to them that I will respect their decision, but that I need them to respect mine and that as they have made the decision that they will not be attending my wedding so long as my Dad’s brother is not invited that I will no longer be inviting them.

 

 

Where do I even start?

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-retract-invite-to-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38b3d5c7-3e2e-40db-9a8c-1876b660c90bPost:9aaf1aec-d046-4c94-9674-3f52d0838209">How to retract invite to grandparents?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, this is not so much an uninvite as a - you've made your decision issue. I didn't invite my Dad's brother to my wedding (long story), he was however called and informed that this would be the situation as I wanted to be clear and not just, not send an invitation. However, my grandparents have now decided that as I'm not inviting him, they too will not be attending. They conveyed this via my Dad and have had no contact with me regarding their attendance. My Dad is understandably upset but has always and still does fully support my decision not to invite his brother. Personally I think my grandparents are posturing and trying to emotionally blackmail me, partially through upsetting my Dad, into inviting their other son - however I feel that they may back down as the wedding gets closer. I don’t want to allow this as I feel that if they feel it’s ok to say such things they clearly have little respect for both me and my wedding, as their behaviour is hurtful. Never mind their behavior towards my Dad and disregard for his feelings – he’s their son too.   I now want to make it clear to them that I will respect their decision, but that I need them to respect mine and that as they have made the decision that they will not be attending my wedding so long as my Dad’s brother is not invited that I will no longer be inviting them.     Where do I even start?
Posted by KCseishin[/QUOTE]
You start by not uninviting them.  You end there too.

KCseishin

But does that not just say that their behaviour is ok?

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-retract-invite-to-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38b3d5c7-3e2e-40db-9a8c-1876b660c90bPost:b571600f-bf13-4793-a1dd-9dd447f53630">Re: How to retract invite to grandparents?</a>:
[QUOTE]But does that not just say that their behaviour is ok?
Posted by KCseishin[/QUOTE]

<div>They're adults. It's not up to you to punish them. You're not inviting the uncle so you;re not giving in to them. I;m with CMGr.</div>

Sassenach1743

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-retract-invite-to-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38b3d5c7-3e2e-40db-9a8c-1876b660c90bPost:ac4108a2-4ef0-4a77-8f8f-439e24eb376b">Re: How to retract invite to grandparents?</a>:
[QUOTE]You send your grandparents the invitation as if nothing has happened.  Let them make the decision.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>You are creating more drama than need be. If you don't want to invite your uncle, then don't. There's obviously a reason and I'm sure he even realizes what that is, but I'm not sure why you even bothered to call him to tell him he wasn't invited... doesn't seem necessary. </div><div>
</div><div>Your grandparents will do what they want. Just send their invitation as you had planned and do not involve them in your decision not to invite your uncle. Done. </div>

Sassenach1743

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-retract-invite-to-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38b3d5c7-3e2e-40db-9a8c-1876b660c90bPost:b571600f-bf13-4793-a1dd-9dd447f53630">Re: How to retract invite to grandparents?</a>:
[QUOTE]But does that not just say that their behaviour is ok?
Posted by KCseishin[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm sorry, but your grandparents behavior is none of your business. Whether you agree with them or not, show respect. And when it comes to respect, you must give it to get it back. </div>

ROBINRENE5

Would you really want to damage your relationship with your grandparents based on an issue you have with your uncle? 

If you uninvite them, you won't be punishing them - but rather making yourself look dramatic and without manners.  You have sent them an invitation, which means you would like them to come to your wedding.  If they choose not to, that will be their problem.  Just be the bigger person and go about your wedding planning as you were. 

KCseishin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-retract-invite-to-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38b3d5c7-3e2e-40db-9a8c-1876b660c90bPost:af27261a-ff95-4d02-aa6b-2b8f3af36a41">Re: How to retract invite to grandparents?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to retract invite to grandparents? : You are inviting people to your wedding.  You get to choose whom you invite.  You do not get to retract an invitation after you have sent it, and if you have sent STDs, then you must send an invitation.  To do anything else makes YOU look like the person with no manners. If your grandparents decide to decline to attend your wedding, that is their business.  They don't have to give you a reason. If I had worried about family issues like this, there would have been nobody at my wedding.  There were several members that I didn't invite, too. EDIT:  You created this situation when you told your uncle that he wouldn't be invited!  That was rude.  You should have kept quiet, and simply not sent him an invitation.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<font face="Times New Roman" size="3" color="#000000"> </font><p style="margin:0cm 0cm 0pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span><font size="3"><font color="#000000"><font face="Times New Roman">I see what you’re saying but would it not have been ruder to invite the other siblings and just ignore him, although either way he still wouldn’t be invited and I feel I'd still be in the same situation.</font></font></font></span></p><font face="Times New Roman" size="3" color="#000000"> </font>

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-retract-invite-to-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38b3d5c7-3e2e-40db-9a8c-1876b660c90bPost:f6808bde-4900-4c87-b1e3-0d98dbde08dc">Re: How to retract invite to grandparents?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to retract invite to grandparents? : I see what you’re saying but would it not have been ruder to invite the other siblings and just ignore him, although either way he still wouldn’t be invited and I feel I'd still be in the same situation.
Posted by KCseishin[/QUOTE]
No, it wouldn't have been more rude to just not invite him rather than rubbing his face in the fact that you're not inviting him.

lyndausvi

You heard from a 3rd party that they are not coming (granted it was your father, but it's a 3rd party none-the-less).   Now you *think* they *may* try and emotionally blackmail you.

Look, there are a lot of  "thinks" and "may" in this situation.  Just invite them and put your guard up if they decide to give you crap about your uncle.     I don't know when your wedding is, but their conversation with your dad might have just been a first gut reaction.  After some time they might realize they where wrong and change their minds.  

At least give them a chance.

Amyzen83

I like lyndausvi's response!

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-retract-invite-to-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38b3d5c7-3e2e-40db-9a8c-1876b660c90bPost:b571600f-bf13-4793-a1dd-9dd447f53630">Re: How to retract invite to grandparents?</a>:
[QUOTE]But does that not just say that their behaviour is ok?
Posted by KCseishin[/QUOTE]
It's the opposite.<div>
<div>Not inviting them plays right into their hand. Being the bigger person and sending them an invitation puts the ball in their court. </div></div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Jen4948

Go ahead and invite your grandparents even if you're not inviting your uncle.  They  may or may not show up, but base your relationship with them on whether or not they actually do attend the wedding, not threats not to based on who else you do or don't invite.

Their threats are childish, stupid, and rude, but that doesn't mean that you need to stoop to their level-or to invite your uncle. 

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-retract-invite-to-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38b3d5c7-3e2e-40db-9a8c-1876b660c90bPost:8ebdf145-ad5d-45ac-b8b8-0f9e833a45f5">Re: How to retract invite to grandparents?</a>:
[QUOTE]You heard from a 3rd party that they are not coming (granted it was your father, but it's a 3rd party none-the-less).   Now you *think* they *may* try and emotionally blackmail you. Look, there are a lot of  "thinks" and "may" in this situation.  Just invite them and put your guard up if they decide to give you crap about your uncle.     I don't know when your wedding is, but their conversation with your dad might have just been a first gut reaction.  After some time they might realize they where wrong and change their minds.   At least give them a chance.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>Pretend I wrote this.</div><div>
</div><div>If you "uninvite" them, you are playing right into their hands and you are setting up a family fued that will last years.  It will be on you if that happens.</div><div>
</div><div>When it is time to send invitations, send theirs with grace and respect.  Like PP said, you gotta give it to get it.  If they decline, YOU have done the right thing.</div><div>
</div><div>Are they posturing?  Most likely.  Should you acknowledge this?  Not in a million years.  You don't have to invite your uncle, so don't.  Your dad supports you in this decision, which, I"m sure, means a lot.  Keep the g'parents out of it and don't engage them, in the "if he isn't invited, we won't come."</div>

pegasuskat

I hope you have a better reason for not inviting the uncle than you do for "uninviting your grandparents".  That is pretty childish, they can have a opinion and you can ignore it, but its not a relationship altering reason to not invite them to your wedding.