FSIL in wedding party?

jschwe

I know this general question has been asked before, but my brother and sister are in our wedding party and fiance's sister is not. He is fine with this, and I am fine with this. We spend time with my sibs just about every other day. My family is very close. His sister, there is no drama or anything, but we never see her. I see her maybe twice a year, and he barely sees her more than that. Apparently his mother is now guilting him, telling him that "people are concerned" about why SIL is not a bridesmaid. I don't want my fiance to be miserable about it, but I honestly don't think its any of his mom's business who's a bridesmaid. I'm not keeping SIL out because I don't like her, but my bridesmaids and I are super close and guaranteed she'd be an outsider if she were a bridesmaid also. I am just concerned that because my brother and sister are in the wedding party, that I've trapped myself into having to either ask SIL as well, or seem horribly rude?

dumdumfroggie

You're right.  You don't have to have your FSIL on your side.  If your FI wants her in the WP, she can be on his side.

If FMIL brings it up, just say the WP has already been chosen and you want to keep it to people you are close to.

lyndausvi

You do not have to have his sister in the wedding.

I didn't have one of my brothers because, well, I don't like him.  I did, however, have both of his sisters who are 15 years younger and I had only met 1 or 2 times.  DH wanted them in the wedding.  I figured since it was important to him, it should be important to me.  I didn't see a need to put them on 'his side'. 

ETA - it's traditional on both sides of our familes to have siblings in the wedding.   If that is the case for your MIL it might be more that it's 'different' than she is use to.  With time she will get over it.

JaxInBlue

I agree with PPs - you don't need to have her in the wedding party if you are not close to her.  If you and your FI feel like including her, she could be an usher, stand on his side as a groomswoman, or you might ask her to do a reading or perform/sing a song, depending on what your ceremony might accomodate.  Alternatively, you could ask her to play a role at the reception - give a toast or a blessing.  You can still make arrangements to include her in other ways - get her a corsage, have her formally seated, and/or list her in the program as part of FI's family.  FWIW, DH has four sisters and only one was a bridesmaid.

ETA for grammar

aragx6

I think you are in the right so long, as it seems, your FI is on the same page. When FMIL starts with her "people are concerned" thing, just have FI say that the next time she hears that from anyone to assure them there is no cause for concern, and that the wedding party has been set and won't be changing.

If FI wants to break and ask his sister, there's no reason she can't stand up on his side with him -- I actually quite like the look of co-ed sides.

*edited for spelling

Meegles4

I think you get to have who you want and you're not required to have folks just because they're family.

But I also think that some families get up in arms when siblings aren't included in the WP, which it sounds like your FMIL is doing. I'm not particularly close to my FSILs, but I felt like if I didn't include them, it'd get the relationship off on the wrong foot. And I really hate conflict :-)

If you and FI are on the same page, stand your ground. Especially since it really does sound like there's not much of a relationship between your FI and his sister. It shouldn't come as a huge shock to his mom that she's not in the WP.

srfgirlie5

You should ask her to be in the wedding party. It's not all about you!

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fsil-in-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38e3b2fc-597a-404c-b1ce-59986949f0dfPost:9b862ad3-be56-4159-aa66-ee94efd93534">Re: FSIL in wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]You should ask her to be in the wedding party. It's not all about you!
Posted by srfgirlie5[/QUOTE]

Which is odd because in the last thread I was reading you literally, in capitalized letters, said that it is all about you. Or is that just for snubbing high school friends?

srfgirlie5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fsil-in-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38e3b2fc-597a-404c-b1ce-59986949f0dfPost:672a7624-e645-42f7-9157-3ad4abf81fdf">Re: FSIL in wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FSIL in wedding party? : Which is odd because in the last thread I was reading you literally, in capitalized letters, said that it is all about you. Or is that just for snubbing high school friends?
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

don't use semantics on me

MiksChick23

I'm not super close with my FSILs, but we asked them b/c we wanted to include all siblings since they were very important to us growing up, and will continue to be a huge part of our lives. That being said, if you are both ok with not including her and you would rather have friends that you are close with stand up, that is cool as well. I would, personally, include her though if there may be cause for family drama/hurt feelings....but that's just me.

Also - I hate the "sides" thing. My brother is a GM and his sisters are BM, we didn't feel the need to segregate "his" people from "my people"  b/c its OUR wedding party....I know other see it different, but it sort of drives me nuts.

MarissaY

I don't think you should include her in your wedding party if you're not particularly close - I had just my very closest friends and I can imagine someone else included in our pre-wedding shenanigans would have felt very left out.

Is there some other way you'd WANT to include her in the wedding to pacify the FMIL? Like doing a reading or something? Again, if you don't want to, you shouldn't feel obligated. But if you wanted something to include her, there are other things she could be involved in!

bburkel

I have asked both of my future SIL's to be in the wedding party, but am not having my own sisters, primarily because of the fact that my future SIL's are around my age, but my sisters are all 15-20 years older than me.  And, my family is a lot bigger than his, so we're trying to keep things as even as possible.  However, my sisters are going to be singing during the ceremony, and all of them have kids that are somehow involved in the wedding party.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fsil-in-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38e3b2fc-597a-404c-b1ce-59986949f0dfPost:c595d8a9-5bc9-4ede-a3aa-ed2a91e49123">Re: FSIL in wedding party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not super close with my FSILs, but we asked them b/c we wanted to include all siblings since they were very important to us growing up, and will continue to be a huge part of our lives. That being said, if you are both ok with not including her and you would rather have friends that you are close with stand up, that is cool as well. I would, personally, include her though if there may be cause for family drama/hurt feelings....but that's just me.<strong> Also - I hate the "sides" thing. My brother is a GM and his sisters are BM, we didn't feel the need to segregate "his" people from "my people"  b/c its OUR wedding party....I know other see it different, but it sort of drives me nuts.</strong>
Posted by MiksChick23[/QUOTE]

<div>We both feel the same way.  I don't care what other people do.  It just wasn't our line of thinking.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>FWIW -  when I invited my SILs I expected nothing from them.  I didn't get much from them either.   They pretty much showed up for the shower (didn't help plan), showed up for the RD and wedding.    </div>