Mother/Grandmother Dilemma

blkbelt901

I have a small issue where my Mother and my Father's mother do not get along at all.  There is a lot of nasty history between the two (on both sides).  My fiance and I want to honor all of our grandparents during the reception but when we mentioned this to my mother she freaked out.  She said that she'd been biting her tongue about even inviting my grandmother at all but that this was over the line and that we would in no way honor her at the reception at the same level as our other grandparents.

I have no problem with my grandmother and my father has gone suspiciously quiet about the situation.  My other grandmother (mom's mom) says to honor her and ignore my mother since it is my day and not doing so would hurt my father and put a rift between me and my grandmother.

What should i do??

Mrs.B6302007

I don't know all the history but I am leaning towards ignore your mom.  THis is a problem between her and her MIL and she's wrong (IMO) to drag you into it.

adamar15

Ignore your mother.  Or tell her to grow the fuuck up and act like an adult.

specialk84

How are you planning on honoring them?

BubbsNBubbs

What is YOUR relationship with this woman like?  Do YOU want to honor her.  Please explain to your mother that your wedding is not the time cause more ruckus. If YOU want to honor your grandmother...do it.  The rift between the older generations has NOTHING to do with you.

Maggie0829

Ignore your Mom.  Of course she doesn't want you to honor a woman that she can't stand.  But she is your grandmother and whatever rift your Mom and her have does not involve you so it should not have any place in your decision.  Do what you had planned and leave your Mom out of it.

Simply Fated

I have no idea what happened between your mom and her MIL, but what ever happened did it have anything to do with you? Like, is it just some normal in-law issue that your mom has? Or did she do something to you directly?
Since you don't know, I'd ignore your mom's rantings. If it's something your grandmother did to you (Like she tried to sell you to a homeless man for crack when you were 6) then there is nothing you can do about it because you don't know about it.

blkbelt901

We were planning on giving all of our grandparents a special dance during the reception.  All four couples have been married over 50 years and we thought that was something to honor and celebrate!

The history is a little vicious between them but it has never been directed at me.  I think it started as MIL issues but escalated as both women are EXTREMELY opinionated.  

I was leaning towards ignoring her and just doing what we're planning.  Thanks for the input!

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothergrandmother-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39abe9c5-560b-4fee-ab7e-3b746fc76519Post:22909566-8b83-486d-9ce5-509611f98ae4">Re: Mother/Grandmother Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]We were planning on giving all of our grandparents a special dance during the reception.  All four couples have been married over 50 years and we thought that was something to honor and celebrate! The history is a little vicious between them but it has never been directed at me. I was leaning towards ignoring her and just doing what we're planning.  Thanks for the input!
Posted by blkbelt901[/QUOTE]

<div>Do you mean four separate spotlight dances? Please tell me no.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm all for telling your mom to suck it, but most guests really don't care about special dances, other than the B&G's first dance. There are other ways to honor them--corsages and boutonnieres, mention them in the program, have them enter during the processional, etc.</div>

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothergrandmother-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39abe9c5-560b-4fee-ab7e-3b746fc76519Post:22909566-8b83-486d-9ce5-509611f98ae4">Re: Mother/Grandmother Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]We were planning on giving all of our grandparents a special dance during the reception.  All four couples have been married over 50 years and we thought that was something to honor and celebrate! The history is a little vicious between them but it has never been directed at me.  I think it started as MIL issues but escalated as both women are EXTREMELY opinionated.   I was leaning towards ignoring her and just doing what we're planning.  Thanks for the input!
Posted by blkbelt901[/QUOTE]

Wow!  You are fortunate that all of your g-parents are still here, let alone that they've all been married that long!  That is DEFINITELY worth a little extra acknowledgement at the reception.  Your mom is being ridiculous.

blkbelt901

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothergrandmother-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39abe9c5-560b-4fee-ab7e-3b746fc76519Post:7f3d0248-329d-449c-8f3e-adcb51f0497f">Re: Mother/Grandmother Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother/Grandmother Dilemma : Do you mean four separate spotlight dances? Please tell me no. I'm all for telling your mom to suck it, but most guests really don't care about special dances, other than the B&G's first dance. There are other ways to honor them--corsages and boutonnieres, mention them in the program, have them enter during the processional, etc.
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

<div>No, definitely not 4 spotlight dances.  Just one min or two song for them all at once.  I know most guests don't care - but since 75% of our guests are family and their existance is due to those marriages, they will give them a couple minutes.</div>

specialk84

In case I was not clear, though, your mom can go sit in the corner and pout while you do whatever you want. She needs to shut up.

blkbelt901

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothergrandmother-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39abe9c5-560b-4fee-ab7e-3b746fc76519Post:f4970f48-12d6-4b53-b8dc-7b9e17a16eb0">Re: Mother/Grandmother Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In case I was not clear, though, your mom can go sit in the corner and pout while you do whatever you want. She needs to shut up.
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

<div>HAHA that might make the best picture of the day...</div>

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothergrandmother-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39abe9c5-560b-4fee-ab7e-3b746fc76519Post:7f3d0248-329d-449c-8f3e-adcb51f0497f">Re: Mother/Grandmother Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother/Grandmother Dilemma : Do you mean four separate spotlight dances? Please tell me no. I'm all for telling your mom to suck it, but most guests really don't care about special dances, other than the B&G's first dance. There are other ways to honor them--corsages and boutonnieres, mention them in the program, have them enter during the processional, etc.
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Ditto this. Spotlight dances are BOOOOORING, and I'm a lindyhopper/waltzer/blues dancer/hustler/etc. People get super sick of that stuff. I've been to one wedding where I enjoyed the dances, and it's because the bride and groom were professional salsa dancers and they choreographed both a salsa and a waltz (to "Kissed by a Rose on a Grave").</div><div>
</div><div>HOWEVER, I come from a family were there is antogonism between my mom's mom and my dad. I don't think it's ever as cut-and-dry as people make it out to be. I can ask him to grow up all I want, but the man is in his 60s, and he is not going to change any more than my grandma is. My grandma was pretty awful to my dad, and while my dad was never a saint either, it's more important to me that he be comfortable and happy on that day, considering how much he has done for me.

</div>

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothergrandmother-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39abe9c5-560b-4fee-ab7e-3b746fc76519Post:4bad6101-93e9-4355-a68e-dccf03da0485">Re: Mother/Grandmother Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother/Grandmother Dilemma : No, definitely not 4 spotlight dances.  Just one min or two song for them all at once.  I know most guests don't care - but since 75% of our guests are family and their existance is due to those marriages, they will give them a couple minutes.
Posted by blkbelt901[/QUOTE]

<div>That sounds nice.</div>

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothergrandmother-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39abe9c5-560b-4fee-ab7e-3b746fc76519Post:42afa495-3684-4e25-b651-52058e7aa58a">Re: Mother/Grandmother Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother/Grandmother Dilemma : Ditto this. Spotlight dances are BOOOOORING, and I'm a lindyhopper/waltzer/blues dancer/hustler/etc. People get super sick of that stuff. I've been to one wedding where I enjoyed the dances, and it's because the bride and groom were professional salsa dancers and they choreographed both a salsa and a waltz (to "Kissed by a Rose on a Grave"). HOWEVER, I come from a family were there is antogonism between my mom's mom and my dad. I don't think it's ever as cut-and-dry as people make it out to be. I can ask him to grow up all I want, but the man is in his 60s, and he is not going to change any more than my grandma is. My grandma was pretty awful to my dad, and while my dad was never a saint either, it's more important to me that he be comfortable and happy on that day, considering how much he has done for me.
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]


Spotlights can be boring, yes, because everyone does them.  Mom and son, daughter and father, etc.  But how many brides and grooms can say that all of their grandparents were married over 50 years and  were in attendance at their wedding?  I think for a 2-3 minute song, the guests will appreciate the uniqueness of the reason behind this particular spotlight danc.e

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothergrandmother-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39abe9c5-560b-4fee-ab7e-3b746fc76519Post:cf36d20e-61d2-4661-b097-e6d0b317a524">Re: Mother/Grandmother Dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mother/Grandmother Dilemma : Spotlights can be boring, yes, because everyone does them.  Mom and son, daughter and father, etc.  But how many brides and grooms can say that all of their grandparents were married over 50 years and  were in attendance at their wedding?  I think for a 2-3 minute song, the guests will appreciate the uniqueness of the reason behind this particular spotlight danc.e
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think it's awesome to have them all there. I have two grandmas, and probably neither of them will be able to come. But when you start totaling up the amount of time that people are asked to spend sitting and watching people sway back and forth to music... Bride/groom, Mother/son, Father/daughter, and each grandparent. That's five dances. If I were OP, I would cut out some of the other dances, in order to save my guests from 15-20 minutes of straight dancing.</div><div>
</div><div>But then, I'm not big on the "First Dance," period. I don't see it as a necessary tradition anymore, and I don't understand why people still do it. OP's grandparents probably have a FAR firmer grasp on dancing than most people from our generation, because it was a part of their culture. Partnered social dancing went out in 1960-1961 with "The Twist," and it's no longer a requisite part of American culture. Just my opinion.</div><div>
</div><div>Edited for clarity, and extraneous t's at the end of words.

</div>

Loopyseven

I think it sounds sweet.  

Have you considered an anniversary dance instead of just a spotlight dance?  Ours was directly after our first dance ( we didn't do parent dances) and the DJ invites all married couples onto the dance floor and then as the song goes on announces anyone married for 1 day (you and your new H) leave the floor, less than 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, etc in whatever increment is left.  Eventually I'm betting your grandparents would be the only ones left on the floor at 50+ years.  Our DJ came out and asked if the longest wedded couple (H's aunt and uncle for us as half of our grandparent couples are deceased) if they had any advice for the newlyweds.  And then he opened the floor up to everyone and the party started.  It's a little more involved than just sitting there watching more people dance, and tends to get people out of their chairs to begin with, which makes them more apt to get on the dance floor right aftewards.

tpender13

OP, I really like what you're thinking. Your mom really needs to STFU. I also really like what Loopy mentioned. It would be fun to start with a song that's maybe a bit more modern, and then when the DJ gets to "less than 50 years" let all of them stay, and maybe switch it to a song that would've been popular around when they were all married. Or go with something a bit old-fashioned for the whole thing, like Anne Murray's "Could I Have This Dance?"