Wedding Etiquette Forum

RP: Bridesmaids Pay?? (kinda long)

My BFF's wedding shower is this weekend. I'm a bridesmaid, and will be traveling to attend the shower (happily). Over the course of the last several months, the MOH and Mother of the Bride have been requesting our (5 bridesmaids) help with the shower stuff.
It started with favors. Instead of regular favors, they want us to create themed baskets for a "raffle" of sorts. Fine. They said either we send them money and they will build it, or we can build it ourselves. They want it to be about a $50 value. I had a hard time swallowing that at first, but now its fine.
Then MOH asked that we contribute $25-30 for Mimosas and centerpieces.
Then $75 for the limo for the bachelorette party (fine, understandable).
I just got an email this morning from MOH stating that the mother has asked that each brides maid contribute 150-200 for the shower!! This is including the $300 plane ticket, plus all the other expenses I've given.

is it just me, or is it kinda tacky to ask for $$ for the shower? If you can't afford a country club wedding shower, don't have a country club wedding shower. I would be happy to bring a dish, contrubte a bit for the meal, whatever... but $200?? It just seems absurd to me.

Re: RP: Bridesmaids Pay?? (kinda long)

  • you're right you're right you're right.

    but you didn't set boundaries.  once you said yes you committed.

    from here on out tell whoever is "in charge" that you either cannot contribute further financially or at least want to be asked beforehand.
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  • It is absurd.

    They are fine to ask how much you can afford to contribute - but only if the shower is being jointly hosted by the bridesmaids, and you'e agreed to be a hostess.

    Saying straight-up that you need to pay X amount is wrong, and you're perfectly within your rights to refuse.  If you're hosting, say simply, "I can afford this amount; I'm sorry I can't give more than that."  Or, if you can't afford more than you've already spent, say that as welll.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rp-bridesmaids-pay-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39d0fff5-37d3-4174-8fc9-de85f289d543Post:c7049021-92b1-408a-950e-a23a46a9fab3">Re: RP: Bridesmaids Pay?? (kinda long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]you're right you're right you're right. but you didn't set boundaries.  once you said yes you committed. from here on out tell whoever is "in charge" that you either cannot contribute further financially or at least want to be asked beforehand.
    Posted by slwager[/QUOTE]

    That's not true.  Saying "Yes, I'll help out" doesn't commit you to help out beyond your means.  The people doing most of the planning should have asked before making plans they couldn't afford; it's not OPs fault that they didn't.
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  • KGee19KGee19 member
    First Comment
    edited April 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rp-bridesmaids-pay-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:39d0fff5-37d3-4174-8fc9-de85f289d543Post:7c73cac6-ab05-47c2-93ee-ef28b1ab9206">Re: RP: Bridesmaids Pay?? (kinda long)</a>:
    [QUOTE] The people doing most of the planning should have asked before making plans they couldn't afford; it's not OPs fault that they didn't.
    Posted by hlq2011[/QUOTE]

    This is exactly how I feel about it.
  • I would tell them that you've contributed a generous amount to this shower up to this point and that you were not planning on contributing anymore to the shower.  Let them know that they really should have contacted you prior to planning to see what you were comfortable paying.  It is not fair for them to have put you in this position.

    They are in the wrong in my opinion.  The email could go something like:

    "I'm really sorry but I was under the impression that the amount I contributed up to this point was all that was expected of me for the shower.  I am flying in from out of town and have not budgeted for an added expense of $200 on top of the money that has already been spent on the shower.  I want bride to have a very special day, but I am not comfortable paying this amount last minutet". 

    You could add in an amount that you are comfortable paying, or just leave it at that.  I think it's very rude of them to spring this on you last minute. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rp-bridesmaids-pay-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:39d0fff5-37d3-4174-8fc9-de85f289d543Post:1f13df32-e645-44c6-86f5-e9c3723e1b8a">Re: RP: Bridesmaids Pay?? (kinda long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: RP: Bridesmaids Pay?? (kinda long) : This is exactly how I feel about it.
    Posted by KGee19[/QUOTE]

    just to clarify, i meant saying yes to paying a specific amount means you commit to doing that.

    i was in a wedding where everyone agreed to a set amount and then some backed out which kept increasing that amout for everyone else which cuased more people to drop out (and on and on)
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  • You are under no obligation to pay an amount you didn't agree on.

    Ditto PP.  Send an email to the other BMs saying that you can't afford this and you were not told you were going to have to pay it.  You don't have to do it.  You were not asked.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rp-bridesmaids-pay-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:39d0fff5-37d3-4174-8fc9-de85f289d543Post:58993936-b3dc-40fe-abbb-7f29898ac22b">Re: RP: Bridesmaids Pay?? (kinda long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: RP: Bridesmaids Pay?? (kinda long) : just to clarify, i meant saying yes to paying a specific amount means you commit to doing that. i was in a wedding where everyone agreed to a set amount and then some backed out which kept increasing that amout for everyone else which cuased more people to drop out (and on and on)
    Posted by slwager[/QUOTE]

    But it doesn't sound like OP committed to a specific amount. $50 here, $75 there, but it doesn't seem like she specifically said I will contribute $x and then turn around and not pony up.
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  • No, there was no "set" amount. The original proposal was about $75-100 per person, which I thought was high but I dealt with it. Then the other stuff was added. And now the shower contribution, which is on top of all the other stuff. If I contributed the full $200 I would be into this shower about $800.

    I just sent the MOH an email letting her know I know its not HER asking (the Mother of the Bride is) but I just don't feel comfortable spending all this money, and that I will contribute what I can... but it won't be $200. I also thanked her for all her hard work on the shower, because I know its tough to do all this. I am not usually one to ruffle feathers... but this is just out of hand!
  • $800 is more than some people spend on being an actual BM (the dress, shoes, hair, nails, etc.). Paying that much for a shower is ridiculous IMO.
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  • edited April 2011
    Wow!!! Wonder how much they will ask of you for the wedding I think being a BM is an honor and help where you can with what you can. I would def. let them know that you can not afford to conribute any more . I think you ALL have done MORE than enough already : /  ...if they(BP) offer to contribute anything then accept if they don't they should just be  thankful that they have thier closest freinds and family as part of the WP.

    Saying yes to being a BM does not mean yes I am opening up my checkbook and holding off paying by bills for you.

    I do feel for the MOH and you sending a nice thank you I am sure made her day since she has to deal with such a difficult situation.
  • $75 to split a limo for a b-party is okay IMO. If you can't afford  to do it, then don't go or just meet them there. If they want you to contribute and you aren't attending, then no. Absolutely not.

    As far as the shower goes, no. I would tell them you are only comfortable contributing the basket. Hosts shouldn't ask anyone else for money, they should host the party they can afford. WTF kind of shower costs $1000+, which is what I'm assuming? Is it at a restaurant? It should be in someone's home if they can't pay for it.
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