Bachelorette Party $ Etiquette Question

mariat

Hi ladies,

I'm new here and I hope you can help me out with a money matter question regarding a bachelorette party for my dear friend.

I'm in the bridal party along with two other gals.

For the bachelorette party this weekend, the plan is to travel by limo to a few vineyards and enjoy a nice picnic of appetizers, cheeses, etc.

All the women attending agreed to chip in and treat the bride-to-be for drinks, dinner, limo, etc.

While planning this picnic I was suprised that none one woman outside of the bridal party offered to bring something along for the day.

The 3 of us bought a nice assortment of decorations, games, picnic tableware and an abundance of food and of course we are chipping in equally for everything else for the day. 

My question is this - when it comes time to pay for bottles of wine or tip the limo - Are the 3 of us expected to do that as well or can we maybe ask/expect one of these other ladies to help out a bit?

Any feedback is greatly appreciated - thank you! 

crash2729

I would expect to split it between the 3 of you if no one offers. 

cookie0803

Don't ask anyone else to chip in. Would it be nice if they offered? Sure! But I would plan on the three of you taking care of everything.

NOLAbridealmost

I don't know if you've sent out invitations yet, but I'd make it clear:

"We're doing x,y, and z which cost ____.  We'll be splitting the costs evenly depending on how many ladies can come."  

It's not up to the organizers of the B party to pay everyone's way.  It's understood that the guests pay for themselves and chip in to cover the bride's stuff.

mariat

Wow, that was quick. Thank you.

If no one offers I would definitely not ask anyone for anything and I would expect to split it among the party.

Honestly I don't think anyone paid attention to the picnic part and I wonder if say for example once everything is set up and spread out I can see someone saying "I should have brought something".

Is it okay then to say something about maybe treating for the next bottle or chipping in a little extra for a tip?

mariat

I know at the end of the day the bride will appreciate the effort and have a lovely day...and that is what matters most.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b05e0a8-ae66-409c-b101-a41dad9770f2Post:8d82c0b0-73bc-407f-8118-8d808f30e024">Re: Bachelorette Party $ Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks to all of you for your feedback. I guess I was just a little suprised b/c even though I expected to pay for everything I was suprised that given the nature of the day (that it is not at a restaurant or house but an outdoor picnic) that no one offered to bring anything along. I was raised to always offer to help out.  Oh well. Thanks again.
Posted by mariat[/QUOTE]

I think it might be a circle/regional thing and I also think it depends how you worded it. If I got an invite saying, 'We are providing/setting up a picnic for lunch" I may not offer to bring anything (I personally probably would still offer, but I can see some people thinking, 'Well they said they're providing it.")

Around here it's really common for all the b-party guests to split the cost of the bride's stuff for the night, but perhaps in your circle it isn't. Like you said before, if people offer, great. Othrewise I'd plan on splitting with the WP members/hosts.

SparrowSong

I normally assume things are paid for by the host. If anyone chips in, great. But I don't think they are being rude if they don't.

This is the same thought process that makes cash-bars and pot-luck receptions rude, etc. The hosts of the party should be paying for the party.

cookie0803

In Response to Re:Bachelorette Party Etiquette Question:[QUOTE]Wow, that was quick. Thank you.If no one offers I would definitely not ask anyone for anything and I would expect to split it among the party.Honestlynbsp;I don't think anyone paid attention to the picnic part and I wonder if say for example once everything is set up and spread out I can see someone saying "I should have brought something".Is it okay then to say somethingnbsp;about maybe treating fornbsp;the next bottle or chipping in a little extranbsp;for a tip? Posted by mariat[/QUOTE]

After rereading your OP, I'm thinking I didn't read it correctly (blaming wine).I would also be slightly put off that no one offered to bring something.

I still stand by my comment about not asking, though. If someone feels awkward and asks what they can do to pitch in, what you're saying is fine, IMO. Otherwise, I would leave it alone.

ElisabethJoanne

If I'm invited to a party, I don't expect to have to pay anything, unless the party is strictly at a restaurant or bar, where I do expect to pay for my own food and drinks, if I'm with peer-friends. [It's different with work and with older people and family.]

If I'm invited to someone's home, or on a picnic, I might offer to bring something. But if someone's hosting a potluck, whether in their home or as a picnic, I assume they'll say so.

If, as OP seems to have done, I got the invitation, "We're having a picnic, followed by a limo ride and wine tasting." I'd assume I didn't need to bring anything. If I got there, and the picnic turned out to be a potluck, and because I didn't bring anything, it was suggested I could put cash into the other portions of the outings, I'd be miffed.

The fact that it's a bachelorette party doesn't make it any different, except that for a birthday party, I'm fine paying my portion of the birthday-girl's portion. But that's because she's invited me, and gifts are typical at birthdays. For the bachelorette, I'm actually thrown off by inviting non-wedding-party members. I figure the hostesses have extra spirit and funds (which may actually be coming from the bride's family; everyone's wedding finances are different). Don't foist the costs you should carry on your extra guests.

mariat

Thanks again for all your feedback, very helpful and appreciated.

I've been to a few bachelorette parties but not of this nature and so I wasn't sure what the protocol was for things like treating for bottles of wine and such.

It's always lovely when someone offers to help but, I would never ask and I now I definitely know not to assume. 

and like I said before as long as well all have a good time and the bride enjoys her day it is worth it.

thanks again.

mariat

To the post from Elizabeth, you make some valid points, but I think what threw some people off is that is being treated like a shower and not like a bachelorette party.

And in this scenario my friend is not having a shower and I think some of her friends are seeing this as a combo of some sorts even though that was never stated.

For instance you mentioned hostesses and family funds which is often the case with showers where you have guests but with bachelorette parties in my circle everyone that is going chips in equally (and often it is the bridal party along with other friends and family members such as in this case).

No big deal, I will expect to split things among the bridal party.

Thanks again.

pearlaqua

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b05e0a8-ae66-409c-b101-a41dad9770f2Post:59acf84b-df8f-4f8e-8f17-51359da7f2d4">Re: Bachelorette Party $ Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]To the post from Elizabeth, you make some valid points, but I think what threw some people off is that is being treated like a shower and not like a bachelorette party. And in this scenario my friend is not having a shower and I think some of her friends are seeing this as a combo of some sorts even though that was never stated. For instance you mentioned hostesses and family funds which is often the case with showers where you have guests but with bachelorette parties in my circle everyone that is going chips in equally (and often it is the bridal party along with other friends and family members such as in this case). No big deal, I will expect to split things among the bridal party. Thanks again.
Posted by mariat[/QUOTE]

The difference between a shower anda bchelorette party is that for showers, there isn't this additional rolling cost.  For showers, you pay for a gift.  For Bachelorettes, you pay your way +a portion of the bride's gift.  So people not offering to chip in with food isn't that weird when you consider that the non-BMs (or anyone, really) is not required to give up their time to go anywhere anyhow.

I would offer to bring something, but the guests are already supporting the outing by 1. showing up and making the BMs' plans a success and 2. paying for part of the bride's expenses.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b05e0a8-ae66-409c-b101-a41dad9770f2Post:59acf84b-df8f-4f8e-8f17-51359da7f2d4">Re: Bachelorette Party $ Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]To the post from Elizabeth, you make some valid points, but I think what threw some people off is that is being treated like a shower and not like a bachelorette party. And in this scenario my friend is not having a shower and I think some of her friends are seeing this as a combo of some sorts even though that was never stated. For instance you mentioned hostesses and family funds which is often the case with showers where you have guests but with bachelorette parties in my circle everyone that is going chips in equally (and often it is the bridal party along with other friends and family members such as in this case). No big deal, I will expect to split things among the bridal party. Thanks again.
Posted by mariat[/QUOTE]

<div>The thing is, the etiquette isn't different for a shower or b-party.  When someone volunteers to host, they are offering to foot the bill.  </div><div>
</div><div>Some people have come to expect to pay their own way at b-parties, especially in the case of their own drinks out, but that doesn't mean the etiquette has changed.  It just means that people are more likely to volunteer to throw in for some portion.  </div>

NOLAbridealmost

Wow...I'll concede defeat if necessary, but I have always thought that for B parties the idea is "Hey we're all going to do this; if you're down, chip in. If not, cool. See ya at the wedding."  

ElisabethJoanne

NOLA, I don't honestly know. The one bachelorette I was invited to, I had to decline due to scheduling. My own "bachelorette" will be a family camping trip. I don't know who, exactly, will pay for the campsite and food, but no one will care.

I think it depends on the group involved and how it's phrased. "You're invited to the bachelorette party for X..." is a party. I'm invited. I don't pay. "As a bachelorette party, we're going out and doing Y. We think it's going to cost about $Z. Please bring a dish to share at the picnic," obviously, I'm expecting to pay and bring some chips or whatever.

Bachelorette parties are so new, I don't think there's really rules. Also, they involve just those closest to the bride, and just her peers (no judgmental, older aunties), even if there were rules, they'd be often ignored.

mariat

I guess it depends on how you were raised, what people do where you live and so forth.

I was always raised to believe what Nola said, that everyone chips in and treats for a B-party but the shower is often hosted by the family or bridal party.

No one ever mentioned the word 'host' when it came to planning this day out in the vineyards.

When the bridal party put it out there to the other friends we talked about chipping in for a day at the vineyards that included a picnic. 

and the thing is that not one person outside of the bridal party ever inquired about the picnic park.

I guess they just assumed we would take care of it and we did just that.  It surprised me that no one ever offered anything.  It's not what I would do.

Oh well,what can you do?....drink a lot that day I guess! lol.

pearlaqua

I've also been invited to bachelorette parties where the cost was high and there were all sorts of add-on expenses that the organizer didn't wanr anyone about.  Glad I missed that one!

For the OP, the guests might think that they are already contributing by defraying the cost of the bride attending.

ElisabethJoanne

OP, reading your clarifications, it sounds to me like you had a plan for both what was supposed to happen and how it was to be paid for, and that plan was fine. I wasn't raised around bachelorette parties at all, so, like I said, no specific rules apply.

But somewhere there was a miscommunication to these non-wedding-party friends. I won't call them "guests," because you didn't think you were hosting. I don't know where the miscommunication was. If might have been in what you said. It might be your friends aren't familiar with what's normal in your region/circle. You could have been perfectly clear, and they missed it because they weren't expecting the kind of arrangements you planned and clearly told them about.

The last does happen. It's a pain, but there's not much you can do about it.

emhemmelgarn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b05e0a8-ae66-409c-b101-a41dad9770f2Post:d3a036f5-89dd-42e0-87b7-25388869b6ed">Re: Bachelorette Party $ Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow...I'll concede defeat if necessary, but I have always  thought that for B parties the idea is "Hey we're all going to do this; if you're down, chip in. If not, cool. See ya at the wedding."  
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

I completely agree with this. My sister's MOH planned her (my sis's) bachelorette party & I wish she would have emailed everyone saying "hey i would LIKE to do THIS, but is everyone okay with the anticipated cost?" That being said, I personally would not have cared what the cost; I would have spent it for my sister; but, I think you need to be direct and upfront about your expectations. "Hey everyone, I would love for you to celebrate this crazy evening for the biride - I would love to plan this awesome event, is it okay that it would cost about $this much money per person?"

Winnertag1

I dont think its fair to expect people to bring things but it is fair to expect guests to pay for their share & chip in for the bride's as well but you should give the guests a heads up of what the plan is going to be and how much it will cost the guests. 

If the guests want to bring something thats nice - but it should never be expected. The guests shouldnt expect to have their stuff covered too though. 

GuebaraGirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b05e0a8-ae66-409c-b101-a41dad9770f2Post:eb1c2fce-1ef0-470b-880a-2702973a153a">Bachelorette Party $ Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]  My question is this - when it comes time to pay for bottles of wine or tip the limo - Are the 3 of us expected to do that as well or can we maybe ask/expect one of these other ladies to help out a bit? Any feedback is greatly appreciated - thank you! 
Posted by mariat[/QUOTE]

OP - Not sure how it works for tastings at the vineyards you're going to, some will be free, some will be a charge. I would assume that those should be paid for by each individual person just as if they were ordering cocktails at a bar. By "pay for bottles", do you mean that upon leaving the vineyard and you're making purchases of wines you like, are you supposed to foot the bill for everyone's? If so, absolutely not.** Maybe buy the bride a bottle of something she likes. As for tipping the limo driver - call the service and find out if tip is already included in the cost. In many cases it is and anything above that would just be an extra bonus.

**Something to try, that may or may not work is offering to buy "rounds" and hoping others pick up on it. The downside is if they assume you'll do it at each vineyard. You could say "I'll get the tastings here if someone else wants to get the next place?" (Or if you are required to buy bottles say "I'll get a bottle here if someone else wants to grab another that we can all share."

Good luck. Sounds like a great time!

hwoychowski

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-party-etiquette-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b05e0a8-ae66-409c-b101-a41dad9770f2Post:d3a036f5-89dd-42e0-87b7-25388869b6ed">Re: Bachelorette Party $ Etiquette Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow...I'll concede defeat if necessary, but I have always  thought that for B parties the idea is "Hey we're all going to do this; if you're down, chip in. If not, cool. See ya at the wedding."  
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

This is what all the Bachelorette Parties I have been to done as well. We usually have dinner / drinks at someone's place (the BM's all chip in) then there is a 2nd portion of a limo - if you want in the limo you pay X - this was disclosed up from in the invitation. Otherwise you were welcome to meet at the places we were going. Think of it as a Vegas Bachelorette Party - would the person putting it together need to pay room and board for everone going? No, if you can afford it you go. I have declined one of these before bc I couldn't fork out the money.

Snyder311

You are not expected to pay for wine for all guests, although this should have been stated somehow in the invites. I just had my bacherlorette party and my girls paid for everything for me. They did provide some wine and champagne for early in the day but when we went out for dinner,drinks and dancing all guests were expected to pay their own way.