Who do you consider to be "uninvited"?

bullentini

Now that my wedding is only 1 month away, I've already recieved a few RSVP's and I've found myself in a difficult situation.

It seems that everyone, from my family to my friends, wants to bring a guest that I didn't account for. I have some guests RSPV'ing children I did not include in the invite, and family relatives asking to bring boyfriends I've never met before. Plus, some casual co-workers of mine keep trying to invite themselves to my reception (I never invited any co-workers, and actually try not to bring up my wedding so no one gets their feelings hurt). My FI and myself are paying for the whole wedding, so I included in the budget a few uninvited guests, but I never expected this many to added!

So who do you consider to be uninvited, and how are you/will you deal with this at your wedding? This is more difficult than I expected it to be!

ricksang

Children I did not invite
Anyone who was not named on the invite
Anyone who did not get an invite.

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_consider-uninvited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3cb3908a-7846-489a-9888-7ada45e5a6e1Post:73d872ac-21e5-414e-8f75-995ea5be1d83">Re: Who do you consider to be "uninvited"?</a>:
[QUOTE]Children I did not invite Anyone who was not named on the invite Anyone who did not get an invite.
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

Yap.

squirrly

You need to call those people and let them know that you can't accomodate everyone. 

"We're so honored that so many people want to celebrate with us; however, we unfortunately can't accommodate everyone we'd love to invite.  We would love to get together for lunch/dinner/drinks with you and Jim and the kids after we get back from the honeymoon.  We really hope to see you and Jim at the wedding, but if you're not able to find a sitter, we'll understand."

These SOs that you didn't know about - are any of them ones that you would have included had you known about them?  If so, those are the only exceptions I might consider.  Otherwise, if you didn't invite them, they're uninvited.

Speechie1970

This is really tough, I know.  I would just be honest with people.  I would talk to them in person or on the phone, not in writing.  That way they can hear the sincerity in your voice as you explain to them that it is really diffiuclt to let them know your situation.  I have had several people invite themselves to my wedding and I have been nice but very honest with them.  I tell them we are opting for a smaller wedding with only your closest friends and family.  If you can make a joke to break the tension it helps too.  If you are honest and sincere most people seem to understand.  If they get their feelings hurt it's really hard and I am not sure what to say.  Just do your best to portray that the person is really important to you and that you sincerely hope they still want to come.  I also have to say that is sucks to be a single person invited to a wedding without being able to invite a guest.  As a bride paying for her own wedding and as a previous wedding guest invited to come by myself I see both sides of this coin.  It really sucks to go to a wedding by yourself.  Since your budget is keeping your guests from being able to invite a "plus one" you need to make sure the singles are seated very approrpaitely with people that they will be comfortable with.  As you speak with them you can tell them you understand it can be hard to come alone but reassure them they will be sitting with people they know or with people they have something in common with.  Good luck!

ms_teach

... maybe you could just seat those extra guests outside.  That's what happened at a wedding I went to this weekend.  It was FI's college friend and they had it at a country club.  We picked up our escort cards and were at table 22.  We found 20, 21... where's 22?!  Outside.  Yes, OUTSIDE!  There were two tables, ours and one other that had only 2 girls at it who were dates of groomsmen.  The dance floor and DJ were outside on the patio, but everything (and everyone) else was inside.  So, the couple's entrance, passed appetizers, the toasts, cake cutting, etc... we pretty much missed it.  We sort of felt rude staying outside and missing it, but we tried to stand inside around other tables and there just wasn't room.  My guess is they over-invited and had more RSVP yes than they expected OR had too many people invite extras.

It was a beautiful wedding, and I think we actually lucked out because it was much cooler outside.  We just joked about it and had a great time.  No hard feelings or anything.  If your venue and/or your budget can't support the extra RSVPs, I'd politely call and explain.

bullentini

Squirrly- That's a brilliant idea to ask to meet up with the children after the honeymoon!! I think I'll use the whole speech when I have to make those phone calls.

Speechie- I am trying to be considerate as I can to single guests. I just don't know where to draw the line. I figured my FI's teenaged cousin doesn't get to bring a boyfriend because she will have many other family members her age at the wedding, but now my sister is asking to bring the guy she just started dating. I'm worried that the people who see my sister's new (like only two months new) BF will be insulted because they didn't get to bring their children or dates along.

squirrly

I think your sister, being the sister of the bride and quite possibly a bridesmaid, could easily get "special treatment" in terms of guests. 

My views:  Anyone who hasn't yet graduated from high school doesn't need a date.  Single adults who have other SINGLE adult friends attending don't.  (If you've got 3 friends and two have BFs that you're inviting, give the 3rd single one a date instead of making her a 5th wheel.)  Children of adult guests don't have to be invited - up to you.  We invited kids if we had met them.  In one case, a couple couldn't find a sitter, and we extended the invite to their kids as well, which worked out to be just fine. 

But, any adult in a relationship should have their SO invited.  So, as long as you've followed that, it's really your discretion.  You don't have to explain your guest list to anyone.  If they get upset that the guy they've been on two dates with wasn't invited, just say something like, "We settled the guest list before you and Daniel met," or "Guest list planning is so difficult!  We felt badly that we couldn't invite Great Aunt Gretchen, any of our co-workers, or some of our friends from back home either."  Just depends on how difficult they've been & what sort of mood you're on, on that one. 

rknox88

My fiance and I plan to find out the names of friends' and family members' significant others to whom they are in a serious relationship with if we do not already know so they specifically will be included on the invitation.  If an invitee isn't seriously involved with someone and RSVPs back with a +1 we are just going to call and explain that we cannot accommodate the extra guest.

As far as children go, there are very few people invited to our wedding who have children so it shouldn't be an issue people bringing uninvited kids.  There should be about 7 kids total at the wedding.

The only way we are accepting an uninvited guest is if we overlook a guest who is in a very serious relationship with another person that we did not include on the invitation.  If that happens, that was our mistake and will will rectify the situation.

By serious relationship or SO I mean-engaged, dating for over a year, etc.  Not cousin Charlie's prom date that he is 'in love with' after dating for 3 weeks.

Knittibell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_consider-uninvited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3cb3908a-7846-489a-9888-7ada45e5a6e1Post:a44cd89f-b879-43e8-8dd6-9d9fffce817b">Re: Who do you consider to be "uninvited"?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think your sister, being the sister of the bride and quite possibly a bridesmaid, could easily get "special treatment" in terms of guests.  My views:  Anyone who hasn't yet graduated from high school doesn't need a date.  Single adults who have other SINGLE adult friends attending don't.  (If you've got 3 friends and two have BFs that you're inviting, give the 3rd single one a date instead of making her a 5th wheel.)  Children of adult guests don't have to be invited - up to you.  We invited kids if we had met them.  In one case, a couple couldn't find a sitter, and we extended the invite to their kids as well, which worked out to be just fine.  But, any adult in a relationship should have their SO invited.  So, as long as you've followed that, it's really your discretion.  You don't have to explain your guest list to anyone.  If they get upset that the guy they've been on two dates with wasn't invited, just say something like, "We settled the guest list before you and Daniel met," or "Guest list planning is so difficult!  We felt badly that we couldn't invite Great Aunt Gretchen, any of our co-workers, or some of our friends from back home either."  Just depends on how difficult they've been & what sort of mood you're on, on that one.  :)
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

Ditto!

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_consider-uninvited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3cb3908a-7846-489a-9888-7ada45e5a6e1Post:d1192d5c-c914-490f-9eab-75df534cc785">Re: Who do you consider to be "uninvited"?</a>:
[QUOTE]... maybe you could just seat those extra guests outside.  That's what happened at a wedding I went to this weekend.  It was FI's college friend and they had it at a country club.  We picked up our escort cards and were at table 22.  We found 20, 21... where's 22?!  Outside.  Yes, OUTSIDE!  There were two tables, ours and one other that had only 2 girls at it who were dates of groomsmen.  The dance floor and DJ were outside on the patio, but everything (and everyone) else was inside.  So, the couple's entrance, passed appetizers, the toasts, cake cutting, etc... we pretty much missed it.  We sort of felt rude staying outside and missing it, but we tried to stand inside around other tables and there just wasn't room.  My guess is they over-invited and had more RSVP yes than they expected OR had too many people invite extras. It was a beautiful wedding, and I think we actually lucked out because it was much cooler outside.  We just joked about it and had a great time.  No hard feelings or anything.  If your venue and/or your budget can't support the extra RSVPs, I'd politely call and explain.
Posted by ms_teach[/QUOTE]

To be honest, that sounds pretty rude of your FI's friend.  You guys weren't being rude to not go inside for the festivities...you should have been seated inside for that.  And if you guys were at a table, how did you not get passed appetizers?  It also seems kind of pointless to have placed the groomsmen's dates outside...what's the point of them even having dates if they are sitting so far away from them?  It's great that you are looking on the brightside, but it doesn't mean that their actions were any less rude.  I wonder how they chose who would be honored enough to be inside, and who would be placed outside.

Considering that they had the seating charts to include seating away from everyone and just about everything else, it sounds like they had chosen a venue but overinvited.   I don't know the couple, and so I don't know if they didn't have the backbone to cut down added people on the invites or deliberately invited more than the venue could hold (either expecting a high decline rate or because they figured more people meant more gifts).  This is  why you never invite more than you can accommodate precisely because of situations like the one you described.

A better idea is for the children and for other random added guests would just be to call them and tell them that unfortunately due to space you cannot accommodate additional guests.  That is much preferable to adding them and then making the venue so overcrowded that you can't properly accommodate all of your guests.

mwhitson14

marina, I'm pretty sure she was just joking. But maybe I'm reading it wrong.

We were pretty lenient with who we invited. All kids were invited, we offered +1s to OOT guests, and extended family members were invited as well. But our church is huge and I knew our church ladies (who did the cooking) would overcook, so we invited everyone, ha ha.

ms_teach

It was true that it happened to us, but I was joking about actually doing it to someone else. 

DLuchner

I can totally sympathize with you!!  I have been getting RSVP cards back for a few weeks now and continuallly get back cards that say "4" when only "so & so + guest" were on there and even a co worker that put 5 on hers when it only included her! She wanted to bring her two grown girls and their husbands whom I've never even met before!  We have invited everyone's kids and guests for anyone serious as well so it's absolutely amazing to me that so many people are just adding on whomever they want when these same people know how expensive it is for us.  I was just wondering today if this was just something that was happening to me lol.  For two of them so far I just told the person that I was sorry but we are already over the limit of the number of guests we were planning on so we hope they understand we can't accomadate so many more.  They seemed like they understood.  It is mind blowing though isn't it??!!