what to do when i make more $ than FI?

nicubride15

Ok, I think my post fits best on this board, so here we go.........

My future hubs and I are planning to get married next summer/fall. We started talking about budgets the other night. He really wants to keep the budget low, as do I, so I suggested an absolute max of $15,000. I thought he was going to have a heart attack right there, and could see that he was worried about being able to pay for things. However, we know a lot of people in the area who may be able to cut us a deal on everything from ceremony officiant to reception venues, and there are things we could possibly get for free. So, the 15k is a cap, not a figure that we have to spend every penny of. We could prob do it all for 10k.

Here's the actual problem/question: My FH is going into his third year as a high school teacher, and his finances are very tight (we don't plan to merge finances as a married couple, we plan to spilt household expenses, and continue to handle our individual expenses (like car loans and student loans) individually, as we've been doing b/c it really just works for us). I'm in a little bit of a better situation financially going into my 5th year of being an RN (NICU if you couldn't guess by my screen name ). As it is now, for big things like vacations, he pays for what he can, and I make up the rest. It doesn't bother me bc I want us to be able to do and see things and make good memories together  When it comes to wedding expenses, we don't want to go overboard, but we also don't want to skimp on some things like photo/video, flowers for ceremony/recepetion, and tents for a planned outdoor wedding. My parents are also planning on chipping in some, and my mom (who is awesome) is paying for my dress. For things that we don't want to skimp on, I plan on paying for a good chunk of it, and he can pay what he can afford. I have no problem doing this, but I think he's still worried about spending too much money, but it's our day, and I want it to be special for him and I.

Has anyone had this same situation? any advice?

Manwaithiel

I think you should just try to agree what each of you are going to contribute and/or what each of you are going to pay for. Maybe you'll pay for more things (flowers, photograher, etc.) while he picks up the check for the officiant, reception venue, whatever. I think setting a big budget number when you're not combining finances could make him feel like he needs to contribute to half of that. If he has things he's responsible for that you know will be within his means, then he can pay for them and contribute to the wedding without being concerned about his contribution to the entire budget.

I'm not sure if that made sense, but that's the best I've got.

nicubride15

Thank you! That's really sound advice

sarah0725

I don't really see what the problem is. If you can afford it, it sounds like the plan you have laid out is a good one. Figure out what the wedding you want will cost (start with the guest list because that determines a lot), figure out when you want to have it, i.e. how many months you have, figure out what you need to put aside each month in order to get the amount of money you need, and then go for it, if you are capable of putting away the amount of money you need in order to realize your vision.

If you write all the numbers down and crunch them with FI and show him you're on top of things, that may quell some of his nervousness about whether you guys can pull off a big wedding.

One other thing - we made a joint savings account just for wedding stuff, and we have automatic deposits put into it every month. That's a good way for us to gauge whether or not we're on track.

CassieeK

I think pp is probably right in that he heard the number and thought he would need to come up with half of it.  Splitting up the individual costs sounds like a great way to make him feel more comfortable.

Snippylynn

I think you guys should seriuosly come up with a budget you are BOTH comfortable with.  I don't think the issue here is you making more, it's spending that much money.  Maybe you should ask him what # he was thinking, instead of telling him how much you want to spend.

Calypso1977

i think we need a bit more background.

do you guys own a house already?  plan to start a family?  while you probably could come up with the money for a wedding, is it more of a matter of him not wanting to spend that one one day but rather your future?

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fi-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3cf20ded-4421-4d03-bf06-8121f94a2b15Post:2b6c1dd6-66a6-47e5-9807-43294c8b2299">Re: what to do when i make more $ than FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you guys should seriuosly come up with a budget you are BOTH comfortable with.  I don't think the issue here is you making more, it's spending that much money.  Maybe you should ask him what # he was thinking, instead of telling him how much you want to spend.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto this.  H and my dad were both appalled when they realized how much the wedding was costing.  My parents paid for a huge chunk, and H and I paid the rest.  While for my mom and I it was important to us to plan the big wedding with all the extra, H and my dad both just thought it was ridiculous amount of money for one day, and for basically just a party.  It was never an issue of how will we pay for this, more just "why" would we pay for this.</div><div>
</div><div>Talk with your FI and find a budget that you're both comfortable with.  Ask him what he is comfrotable contributing, and go from there.  You could give him a few things to book/pay for, like DJ, limo, etc. and then you do the rest.  </div>

GeauxTigers17

I understand where you're coming from. I'll make nearly triple what my FI makes when we start working after the bar. There are things I'm comfortable spending money on, that he just isn't. So what we have done is agreed on how much goes into savings each month, and how much goes into our general living checking account for rent and such, and how much "discretionary" money we each get. We keep that money in separate accounts (we can both still see them online though) but neither of us gets a say on how the other spends that discretionary money. 

With the wedding things I"m paying for, he doesn't get to ask the cost. I can see that not working for everybody, but it worked for us. There were things I really wanted (I looove paper, and I really wanted a traditional engraved wedding sheet as our invitation, for example) and I knew he'd faint if he knew how much it was, so it was just easier to agree not to ask, since it's not affecting our day to day. 

Queen Jane

PPs had really good points. Just to share our situation, I make at least double what FI does. It will probably be that way for awhile. We have separate accounts and each take care of our own bills. I have more "debt" (student loan, car payment) than he does. It works and I'm not sure if or when we will merge. I have our savings account and our son's account because I am the one who takes that money out of my check, and I am less likely to "dip into" it for unnecessary reasons (he agrees with this). As far as the wedding, my parents have contributed a set amount and we are responsible for the rest. I worked out the numbers, showed them to him and he agreed to the plan that was presented. Should it happen to change, we will rework the numbers. Maybe ask your FI if there was a different budget he had in mind?

vexie

I make more than my FI.  I've been single, living on my own for the last 6 years, he's a widower with two small daughters, a house to maintain etc so I'm definitely lin a much better financial situation than he is.  We still planned our budget for what we could afford (we're paying 100% on our own and don't want to go into debt for this day).  We've just divided up who pays for what ... with me paying for much more than he is, but hey.. we're about to be married... what's mine will be his, what's his will be mine so we're not going to get all 'Hey, I'm paying more than you' about it.  It's just who's bank account is it coming out of at this time. 

Maybe you can ask him to take care of the booking/arranging the honeymoon and a few other specific expenses and you take care of the rest...that way he feels included but you can spend what you can afford on the things that matter to you.

good luck

courtney1188

As someone who is on your FI's end of this (my FI makes quite a bit more than me), I would advise you to tread very carefully. Have you two discussed keeping your money separate after marriage, or are you just assuming that's how it will work? Because for me personally it can get very stressful that I constantly have to worry about money and how I'm going to pay for the wedding while my FI is financially stress-free and doesn't have to worry that chipping in money for the wedding is going to make it difficult to pay all his bills. I, on the other hand, have to worry about those things, and it sure doesn't make me feel like we are a family or a team.

We have this worked out now, but it took many many discussions to get there. I suggest having some conversations about finances with your FI, because otherwise you'll have this same dilemma when you want to buy a house, go on vacation, etc. It sounds like you're trying to be pretty accomodating, but this can very easily become a recurring issue.