Wedding Etiquette Forum

So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...

It has become evident that we had a bunch of cards stolen from the card box at our wedding reception.  We pretty much know this to be the case due to the fact that the card from my father and stepmom was missing.  I knew what they were giving us and her card was certain to be an elaborately handmade creation that would very much be part of the gift.  After asking my stepmom about this, I was told they placed a card in the box along with a card from her side of the family - parents/sisters, etc. - wishing us well.  Neither of these are there.  The certificate they were giving is easily replaced in this situation - the cash in the other envelope will not be.  I looked at our guest book and realize there is a block of about 10 people in the middle of the book - none of whom had cards in our card box.  Cards from these people would probably be placed in the box right after they walked in, so I'm guessing someone grabbed that particular chunk of cards.  A number of these people have given seperate gifts, but in the process of going over thank you notes we realized that pretty much the only people who did not give gifts are in this particular section of the guest list.  I definitely don't want to ask if they gave us something, but on the same note I'm really concerned about just not sending a thank you note in the event they did.  It's a bit of a conundrum.   Any thoughts or ideas on this?

Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:8d5b3b33-acbc-46a6-bf69-6cbcce4d1e34">So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]It has become evident that we had a bunch of cards stolen from the card box at our wedding reception.  We pretty much know this to be the case due to the fact that the card from my father and stepmom was missing.  I knew what they were giving us and her card was certain to be an elaborately handmade creation that would very much be part of the gift.  After asking my stepmom about this, I was told they placed a card in the box along with a card from her side of the family - parents/sisters, etc. - wishing us well.  Neither of these are there.  The certificate they were giving is easily replaced in this situation - the cash in the other envelope will not be.  I looked at our guest book and realize there is a block of about 10 people in the middle of the book - none of whom had cards in our card box.  Cards from these people would probably be placed in the box right after they walked in, so I'm guessing someone grabbed that particular chunk of cards.  A number of these people have given seperate gifts, but in the process of going over thank you notes we realized that pretty much the only people who did not give gifts are in this particular section of the guest list.  I definitely don't want to ask if they gave us something, but on the same note I'm really concerned about just not sending a thank you note in the event they did.  It's a bit of a conundrum.   Any thoughts or ideas on this?
    Posted by centurymantra[/QUOTE]

    Was your card box secure at all?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:40f0558b-4a3c-430c-be67-f20e14cccea6">Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box... : Was your card box secure at all?
    Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]

    Does that really matter at this point?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:489db9c1-0d14-41f8-bdd1-cd4c29128df3">Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box... : Does that really matter at this point?
    Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

    Well depending on the location and how her venue is set up, it could clue in if it was one of her guests or possibly someone at another wedding (if her venue holds more than one reception at a time) or someone of the general public as well.

    OP I'm really sorry to hear about this.  That has to be frustrating.  Did you report it to your venue and/or the police? 
  • I would just get word out and let them come to you to see if you got their card.   I wouldn't ask them directly.  

    Sorry this happened :(
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  • This isn't the etiquette in me talking; this is the pragmatist.
    Go over your entire guest list. Do your best to eliminate anyone you're positive didn't put something in the card box.
    And then find a way that wouldn't put someone on the spot (don't call someone up and say, "hey, did you give us a present in our card box, cuz we didn't get one and wonder if it was stolen?")
    Maybe a blanket, BCC email saying something along the lines of:

    Thank you so much for coming to our wedding; it meant so much to us.
    Unfortunately, it has come to our attention that someone stole a significant portion of our card box. We are aghast that we let this happen and it pains us that so many of our loved ones' generosity has been abused and that we will miss so many words of love and well-wishes.
    That being said, if you're receiving this email and believe your card might have been stolen, please take any action you are able to negate the theft to yourself.
    If this is impossible for you, you have our deepest regrets. Please do not try to replace anything, other than perhaps your well wishes.
    Again, our sincerest apologies

    Love the couple.


    And then still write a thank you note to everyone who came to the wedding thanking them for coming since you don't know if they got you a gift or not.


    That might be horrible advice and maybe it would just upset Great Aunt Louise to know someone stole the $500 in cash she gave.
    But then I think if there's any way for other people to cancel their checks, I'd want them to be able to.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:40f0558b-4a3c-430c-be67-f20e14cccea6">Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box... : Was your card box secure at all?
    Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]

    Since shiitt is missing, I'm going to guess that it wasn't.
    image
  • Apparently not secure enough, but that's a moot point now, daffy.

    OP - I'm sorry this happened.  Can you find out (somehow) if any of the stolen cards contained checks that have been cashed?  Maybe you can work with whoever wrote you the check to find out who cashed it, along with where and when it was cashed? 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:489db9c1-0d14-41f8-bdd1-cd4c29128df3">Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box... : Does that really matter at this point?
    Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

    Seriously.

    OP, that's a tough one.
    Are you or your parents close enough to those guests to gently mention what you think happened?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:40f0558b-4a3c-430c-be67-f20e14cccea6">Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box... : Was your card box secure at all?
    Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]

    How is this helpful?

    Anyway, OP - I agree, it's a little icky to call a bunch of people asking if they gave you a gift.  Is there anyone (like your stepmom) who could let the affected folks know through word of mouth that it's come to you attention that cards were stolen?  That way you're not in the position of having to say "okay, what did you get us?" but those affected will still have the opportunity to cancel checks and what-have-you, without feeling pressured to send a "replacement" gift or to send a gift at all if they originally hadn't.
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  • edited June 2012

    I think if you're close enough to the person and know for fact they gave you a card, you could ask. If my grandparents' or aunt's card had been missing, I would have asked so we could see if the check was cashed, and go from there. But for others, I'd spread the word.

    This makes me worry for my uncle's wedding tomorrow. She is insisting on just a basket and I have a bad feeling about cards being stolen.

  • daffydilliedaffydillie member
    100 Comments
    edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:961238d8-c937-4684-bc39-3ae630185440">Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box... : How is this helpful? Anyway, OP - I agree, it's a little icky to call a bunch of people asking if they gave you a gift.  Is there anyone (like your stepmom) who could let the affected folks know through word of mouth that it's come to you attention that cards were stolen?  That way you're not in the position of having to say "okay, what did you get us?" but those affected will still have the opportunity to cancel checks and what-have-you, without feeling pressured to send a "replacement" gift or to send a gift at all if they originally hadn't.
    Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

    Because they could have gotten lost instead of stolen. They could have been misplaced, left under a seat, etc.

    It also could have narrowed down who stole it, it would be in poor taste to accuse someone from your wedding if it was possible someone else had done it.

    I am sorry to hear that, sincerely I am. But I would also be very interested in figuring out who did it. It happened at my friends wedding. Her box was secured. That knowledge helped us figure out who did it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:379f5df0-d31b-4494-970b-60f1d4e582f9">Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box... : Because they could have gotten lost instead of stolen. They could have been misplaced, left under a seat, etc. It also could have narrowed down who stole it, it would be in poor taste to accuse someone from your wedding if it was possible someone else had done it. I am sorry to hear that, sincerely I am. But I would also be very interested in figuring out who did it. It happened at my friends wedding. Her box was secured. <strong>That knowledge helped us figure out who did it.
    </strong>Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]

     Was it a guest of that wedding?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:379f5df0-d31b-4494-970b-60f1d4e582f9">Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box... :  It also could have narrowed down who stole it, it would be in poor taste to accuse <strong>any of your guests, because unless the theft was caught on camera, <em>you don't actually know</em> what happened.</strong> Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]

    FTFY.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:dfb79d24-ef7f-4f42-ade6-aaea42145da3">Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box... :  Was it a guest of that wedding?
    Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

    No it wasnt , it was caught on camera in the hallway of the hall. The cards were found in the trash after the bride had freaked out and accused some of her guests. She was able to notify the people what had happened.

    It was just a suggestion to keep from making that mistake.

    I would send a thank you to everyone in the guest book and spread it by word of mouth, without accusing anyone.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:40541536-164c-4b92-b4e1-6ff3dc298e17">Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box... : No it wasnt , it was caught on camera in the hallway of the hall. The cards were found in the trash<strong> after the bride had freaked out and accused some of her guests</strong>. She was able to notify the people what had happened. It was just a suggestion to keep from making that mistake. I would send a thank you to everyone in the guest book and spread it by word of mouth, without accusing anyone.
    Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]

    She sounds nice.
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  • Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited June 2012
    How did the bride know at the reception that cards were stolen already?  Were they going through the gifts right then and there?

    ETA: daffy's friend, not OP
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  • OP I like the suggestions of having someone else (like a step-parent, relative you're close with, etc) pass it along by word of mouth when they see/talk to other guests that somehow some cards got stolen from your card box. At that point, if they put a card in there and are concerned theirs might have been stolen, they can contact you and/or if it was a check, see if it has been cashed yet.


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:881e913b-5c5b-4caf-a479-eae495e52f44">Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]How did the bride know at the reception that cards were stolen already?  Were they going through the gifts right then and there? ETA: daffy's friend, not OP
    Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

    I was wondering the same thing....
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:3d88b8af-b32e-4d9d-bed9-c7f85e4dc5b4">Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box... : I was wondering the same thing....
    Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

    Next morning at their post wedding brunch they opened the cards and knew some where missing. She freaked out. I dont agree with what she did, and I just am advising against doing that.

    The trash outside had not been emptied and they had been found when one of the bride's family went to clean up the next evening. Notified the coordinator who checked the camera later in the week but the damage to her friendships had already been done.
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  • Don't count out employees.

    On that note, we recently went to a wedding where some of the staff have "sticky fingers" reputations.  We didn't leave the card in the basket, but sent it the next day to the happy couple.  It stinks they couldn't get it the day of/after, but we felt more comfortable that way.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:5ea85613-7c76-4571-9e82-f28650b7e816">Re: So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE] OP is asking how to figure out whose cards were stolen, presumably to let them know to cancel any checks and so she doesn't look bad for not sending them a thank you note for a monetary gift she never received.  I didn't see anything about figuring out who did it.  Even if she does figure it out, the likelihood of getting them back is next to non-existent.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Pretty much everyone gave us a card, except for app. ten sequential signatures on the guest list so we pretty much have that figured out.  Some of these people gave a seperate gift.  There really wouldn't be that many missing cards that may have had a gift - be it gift card, check, cash, etc..  That being said, the only people (with one exception) that did not give a gift are in this block of ten or so people.  It boils down to there being four or five people that may have given us something and we would hate to ignore them and not send thank you notes - just as a matter of etiquette.  Granted, a check could be cancelled and re-written but it is more a matter of not wanting to ignore people who gave a gift.  We were just trying to figure out a tactful way of addressing the issue. There are a few good ideas here which should be helpful.  We were thinking of something along the lines of "thank you so much for sharing the day, etc."  along with a "it has come to our attention that our card box was subject to theft....if your card was among these and contained a gift that we cannot directly thank you for, you can be certain the thoughts and generosity are much appreciated...." 

    BTW...the card box was not locked, therefore easy to open.
  • centurymantracenturymantra member
    First Comment
    edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-we-had-a-bunch-of-cards-stolen-from-our-card-box?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d2d443e-7c21-45b2-b791-d60dd64a13f6Post:0493e85a-b6aa-4a5d-8f63-0d8be43557ea">Re:So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:So, we had a bunch of cards stolen from our card box...: Isn't that what I said? But I wouldn't mention anything in their TY note about it. You are assuming they gave you money in the missing card, and that is incredibly rude even if it is true that they did. Just write a note thanking them for attending the wedding and have your family and close friends spread the word about the theft. If they hear about it and get a note that doesn't mention their gift, they'll put two and two together and decide how to handle it from there.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    This is a good point, and we have considered that.  There are too many diverse and seperate  circles of friends and relatives, so spreading the word won't amount to much.  Doing the above would cover things, but neither of us really want to send cards to people who did not give gifts.  Even though it is of little concern to us that someone elects not to bring a gift, we feel that the risk of that coming off snarky to someone and possibly calling attention to not having brought a gift is too significant. We still may do this....it's kind of an etiquette dance, and we're probably directing more energy and concern towards this than is necessary.
  • This happened at a friends wedding many years ago - when everyone just had home phones and no email LOL! The bride wrote all of her thank you notes very quickly and her mom and MIL just started mentioning to family and friends that "oh there was a theft issue at the wedding so if your thank you failed to mention a gift you gave please don't be offended" Many guests contacted the bride or mom/MIL and checks were cancelled, although many had been cashed (not so easy these days!) . IMO word of mouth is definitely the best way to go and will be much quicker these days :) At my wedding my mom just took all the cards and put them all in her (typically) large purse - she never put her purse down anywhere! LOL

    OP, I am really glad you posted this because even having been part of an experience like this I had not thought of security for my daughter's card box! Thanks for the reminder!
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