Should We Invite FSIL's Mom?

rlavach

OK, this might get long. CN at end. My FSIL and I used to be friends. I was a BM in her wedding 6 yrs ago. During the engagement, I realized I didn't like a lot of her personality, so I stuck around for the wedding, but then slowly phased her out of my life after. No big fight. I just pulled away. 

Fast forward to 2010 & I start dating her BIL. Now we're getting married & her & my FBIL think we're going to be this one big happy family. They constantly try to hang out with us, even though before this, we didn't speak for years. I still don't like her, but I'm nice to her & will go out with them b/c this is my FI's SIL. Her mom, who I've met about 5-6 times & my FI has 2-3 times, lives in FL (we're in NJ). Whenever anyone visits, she sends my FI a little gift. Cute. 

My FBIL & wife go to visit her last week & she finds out that she's not invited to our wedding. She inferred this because she did not receive an STD. Now she is mad b/c she feels that she should've been invited b/c "we're family." I disagree. I don't consider her my future family. My FI didn't even think of her when making a list. She complained to my FBIL, who told FI. She was going to send him another gift & chose not to since she wasn't invited. Very mature.

Now FI wants to invite her. I said no b/c we don't know her that well. There are plenty of others that are closer to us & have been there for us that I'd rather invite. Plus, she is being childish. 

My FI got really manipulated by them & then begged me to invite her. I tried to say no on principle, but then he pulled the 'you have 70 invited & I have 20' thing. That's because his family is all out of the country & he has very few friends. To keep the peace, I gave in. But I said to absolutely NOT tell my FBIL or SIL to tell her she's invited. The mom will know when she receives an invite in the mail, like everyone else.

Now I regret it. Did I do the right thing?

CN: FSIL's mom, that we aren't close to & lives 1000mi away, is upset that we didn't invite her. We barely know her. She usually sends FI a gift yearly & didn't this year out of spite. FI felt guilty & asked to invite her. I tried to say no, but gave into keep the peace. Did I do the right thing?

Loopyseven

You are under no obligation to invite your FSIL's mom to your wedding.  But if your H really wants to invite her, you need to take his feelings about it under consideration.  Just make sure it's cause he really wants to invite her and not just cause he is uncomfortable with the situation.

ootmother2

I'd hate to save to cave just because someone has manipulated you.

I'm not a great fan of STDs anyhow so why not just send the wedding invitation when the time comes?   You can make sure she has a room blocked if she needs on.  You're only three months out, way too late to send a STD anyhow.

btw, she sounds like a real priize

GL

FutureMrsTR

I feel like I need a flow chart or a family tree or something to figure this out.

2012FutureMrsB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-fsils-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d9006a6-9b62-423b-9577-f0e688a73dfePost:0b9d2e5f-d510-47c6-88e6-5f7da9814462">Re: Should We Invite FSIL's Mom?</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like I need a flow chart or a family tree or something to figure this out.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

I think it goes like this, but I could be wrong:

OP is engaged to FI  ----- />  FI's brother is married to OP's FSIL (who is already FI's SIL)

The SIL's mom is the lady in question - whether or not she should be invited.


OP, did I get it right?

2012FutureMrsB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-fsils-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d9006a6-9b62-423b-9577-f0e688a73dfePost:165f4512-ec0f-4316-bb2a-885eb2d57f15">Should We Invite FSIL's Mom?</a>:
[QUOTE]OK, this might get long. CN at end. My FSIL and I used to be friends. I was a BM in her wedding 6 yrs ago. During the engagement, I realized I didn't like a lot of her personality, so I stuck around for the wedding, but then slowly phased her out of my life after. No big fight. I just pulled away.  Fast forward to 2010 & I start dating her BIL. Now we're getting married & her & my FBIL think we're going to be this one big happy family. They constantly try to hang out with us, even though before this, we didn't speak for years. I still don't like her, but I'm nice to her & will go out with them b/c this is my FI's SIL. Her mom, who I've met about 5-6 times & my FI has 2-3 times, lives in FL (we're in NJ). Whenever anyone visits, she sends my FI a little gift. Cute.  My FBIL & wife go to visit her last week & she finds out that she's not invited to our wedding. She inferred this because she did not receive an STD. Now she is mad b/c she feels that she should've been invited b/c "we're family." I disagree. I don't consider her my future family. My FI didn't even think of her when making a list. She complained to my FBIL, who told FI. She was going to send him another gift & chose not to since she wasn't invited. Very mature. Now FI wants to invite her. I said no b/c we don't know her that well. There are plenty of others that are closer to us & have been there for us that I'd rather invite. Plus, she is being childish.  My FI got really manipulated by them & then begged me to invite her. I tried to say no on principle, but then he pulled the 'you have 70 invited & I have 20' thing. That's because his family is all out of the country & he has very few friends. To keep the peace, I gave in. But I said to absolutely NOT tell my FBIL or SIL to tell her she's invited. The mom will know when she receives an invite in the mail, like everyone else. Now I regret it. Did I do the right thing? CN: FSIL's mom, that we aren't close to & lives 1000mi away, is upset that we didn't invite her. We barely know her. She usually sends FI a gift yearly & didn't this year out of spite. FI felt guilty & asked to invite her. I tried to say no, but gave into keep the peace. Did I do the right thing?
Posted by rlavach[/QUOTE]

I'd say what's done is done. Don't let this one thing get you down. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices and move on. Since you already gave in (which I probably would have too if my FI was stubborn about it), then I would just let it go, send her the invitation when the time comes, but like you said, don't worry about telling her in advance that she's invited. Let her sit and stew and get mad and then when she gets the invite, she'll feel bad about her behavior - well, maybe. Good luck!

bmoruzzi

I can't figure out how these people are related to you, but if I were you I wouldn't invite the mom.  

Kate61487

ditto PP; don't go back on it now, but she can find out she's invited when the invitations go out.  No need to tell her ahead of time.

And TR, I think MrsB2012 got it right.  OP was friends with the girl years ago and unknowingly stood up in her FBIL's wedding, before she'd started dating her now FI.

Kate61487

Maybe this will help:

                   FMIL + FFIL           lady who wants to be invited
                            |                                 |__
                  |                   |                  |
   OP +     FI               FBIL +     FSIL (used to be OP's friend)

Edited for alignment

rlavach

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-invite-fsils-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3d9006a6-9b62-423b-9577-f0e688a73dfePost:92693709-e167-49b0-b275-622f7037d917">Re: Should We Invite FSIL's Mom?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe this will help:                    FMIL + FFIL           lady who wants to be invited                              |                                   |__                   |                   |                  |    OP +     FI               FBIL +     FSIL (used to be OP's friend) Edited for alignment
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]
Sorry for the late response. I can't respond on my stupid phone. <div>
</div><div>Yep, you got it right. Why didn't I think of a diagram! I certainly don't intend on uninviting her (even though we haven't technically invited her yet). I said yes & I can't go back now. I was just wondering if my thoughts were unfounded.</div><div>
</div><div>I think the fact that it's so hard to figure out our relation, that it even needs a diagram, proves how silly this is. We're clearly not 'family.' I do like the idea the PP posted of letting her brood in her anger until she receives an invites later. </div><div>
</div><div>Yeah, she's definitely a prize.</div>

jessicabessica

In some families it's common to invite the in-laws of your siblings (so, in this case, the woman in question), although that doesn't mean you should have invited her--she might just have been expecting it.  That's no excuse for being rude or acting bratty about it.  

I agree with inviting her, though, if your FI feels strongly about it, especially because your guest list is light on people from his side.  

weddingmuse

I'm thinking this isn't something you really need to fall on your sword over.  Just invite her when the time comes and be done with it.