RSVP Not w/ Invitation

stpantal

We're putting our guest list together and there are a few people on the list that both mothers adamantly believe won't show up.  These people are family members who either aren't really close or too broke to travel from out of town.  I suggested we send those particular people wedding announcements instead of invitations.  But both mothers want to send invitations since they're all family.  Now, I'm a firm believer in Murphy's Law and am afraid that if they get invitations, they'll show up!  (It's not that I don't want them there, it's about headcount.) 

So, my question is, is it wrong/tacky to send an invitation without the RSVP?  Personally, I think it's stupid to invite someone and then not let them choose to come or not!  (Hence the announcement idea!)  But I just don't know what to do and don't want to offend a "guest" or the mothers!

NicoleSahara

So, my question is, is it wrong/tacky to send an invitation without the RSVP?  Personally, I think it's stupid to invite someone and then not let them choose to come or not!  (Hence the announcement idea!)  But I just don't know what to do and don't want to offend a "guest" or the mothers!

You just answered your own question there. Include the RSVP even if you don't think they'll come. They can RSVP no if they can't make it.

aragx6

Definitely, no.

Who's paying for the wedding? If it's all you and FI I'd put my foot down on these additional guests, but if the parents are helping, you'll have to take their wishes more into account.

egm900

You are correct, if they are put on the list you should assume they might decide to come. We're having some we were certain wouldn't come RSVP yes, although we have a few that we thought would come RSVP no, and I think this is fairly normal.  If there isn't room for them, you should only send them an announcement.  If you send an invite without an RSVP you run the risk they will just show up.  Either send an invite with RSVP, or an announcement after the wedding.  PP is right, if parents are paying, then they get a say in who to invite.  However, if they insist on sending an invitation, make sure they get an RSVP.

willywally5

It would be wrong to send the invitation without the RSVP card. You either invite them or you don't. 

If you decide not to invite them, sending an announcement later is fine, but it needs to be an actual announcement, not just a leftover invitation sans RSVP card. 

KellyBrian2013

There were guests we sent "courtesy" invites to that we were certain would NOT show up to our wedding even though we wanted them there...

Our RSVP date is next week, and thus far of the 100ish people we've gotten back, only about 10 have declined. People attending includes a great-aunt whose husband has ailing health that my dad told me wouldn't be there, several second cousins who we didn't think would come (one also with ailing health), and several of FI's family friends.

We invited within our space/money constraints, so it is no problem for us that these people are (surprisingly) attending... but definitely don't count on the "she won't come!" comments. If you send an invite, plan on people attending until you hear otherwise formally FROM THEM. If you don't have room/budget to accomodate them RSVPing yes, then wait to send a wedding announcement.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Technically, if there's no RSVP card (which have only been around for a few decades), people are just supposed to write their response on their own stationary and send it back to you. So you wouldn't not be inviting them - you'd still be inviting them, and they could still respond in the affirmative. You're just making it harder for them to do so.

lauraanne9

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-not-w-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3de911a7-466e-4e79-9aee-46ed0d6257bcPost:8c9161d8-3d15-4c9c-941e-27eb592f8be7">RSVP Not w/ Invitation</a>:
[QUOTE]We're putting our guest list together and there are a few people on the list that both mothers adamantly believe won't show up.  These people are family members who either aren't really close or too broke to travel from out of town.  I suggested we send those particular people wedding announcements instead of invitations.  But both mothers want to send invitations since they're all family.  Now, I'm a firm believer in Murphy's Law and am afraid that if they get invitations, they'll show up!  (It's not that I don't want them there, it's about headcount.)  So, my question is, is it wrong/tacky to send an invitation without the RSVP?  Personally, I think it's stupid to invite someone and then not let them choose to come or not!  (Hence the announcement idea!)  But I just don't know what to do and don't want to offend a "guest" or the mothers!
Posted by stpantal[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I see a whole bunch of issues in this:</div><div>1. You are assuming who will and won't come.  You can't do that as people make more effort IMO to come to weddings than they do to other events.  My soon to be nephew by marriage got married himself last year.  It required a cross country trip, but we were there.  And I can assure you, we were one of the people they had in the "no" column.  I know this because he told me, at the wedding, that they were so surprised and happy that we made the trip for his wedding.  And this was after the RSVP "yes" that we sent.</div><div>
</div><div>2. If your guests that received invitations without a RSVP do a VERY simple internet search they will find that response cards are actually a fairly new thing and that replies used to be sent on personal stationery when an invitation was received.  So, you may just get a whole bunch of handwritten "yes" replies to go with the invitations with no RSVP.  No RSVP card does NOT mean you are not able to come or not actually invited, merely that they are expected to reply with their own stationery and stamp.</div><div>
</div><div>3. You are trying to do a head count before you get the RSVP's back.  Why?  That is the whole point of the whole RSVP thing.  Set the RSVP date far enough before the wedding so you can give anyone who needs it a headcount.  If they are sent an invitation, assume they will be there until told otherwise.

</div><div>4. Large family weddings can be, as I have very recently discovered, a little like a family reunion..so your wedding AND the fact that other family will be there is often motivation for people who would not usually come to show up.</div>

lauraanne9

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rsvp-not-w-invitation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3de911a7-466e-4e79-9aee-46ed0d6257bcPost:5fdbd71d-0cc2-49bb-8e6d-7321704a1d28">Re: RSVP Not w/ Invitation</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: RSVP Not w/ Invitation : I dont' get where you got that.  OP is saying that she is worried about ending up with more guests than she can afford/fit into the venue if she invites these guests.  While yes the point of the RSVP is to figure out a final headcount, you should know exactly how many people you can accomodate before you send out invites and only invite that number of people.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>But it seems to me that OP is attempting to invite 50, be sure 20 won't come before the RSVP but invite them anyway knowing they won't come, so she is able to use the venue that accommodates 30.  My point is, seems like she is doing a headcount without the RSVPs instead of with them.  If the venue fits 200, invite up to 200 and go from there.</div>

stpantal

Thank you, ladies!  I really appreciate your feedback.  I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this is a bad idea!  So, do any of you want to come talk to the mothers for me because clearly I'm not getting through to them?!?!?!  LOL