Date Issues.... :(

kfrick04

So here is my question. My fiance and I got engaged about 3 weeks ago. We have been together for 5 and a half years, so we want to have a somewhat quick wedding. I have had my heart set on having the reception at a certain place since I can remember! So as soon as we got engaged, I emailed the lady to see what dates they have open for next summer (we are having the ceremony on the beach). So the three dates she gave me were three weekends right in a row. The middle weekend, my cousin is getting married about three hours away. So we decided to choose the 1st of the three weekends. I sent my cousin a message making sure it was ok, but to my surprise, when she responded, she wasn't too thrilled. We can't do it the 3rd because I am a teacher and school will start around that time. My question is, was I wrong to choose that date right before hers? We have no other options, and I wouldn't be happy doing it anywhere else I don't want to wait until the next summer, because that's just too long of an engagement.
Thanks ladies

Celles

No, it's not wrong.  I understand why your cousin is less than thrilled, but if it the best of three available dates there is obviously no thunder-stealing malice involved in the selection.  She can deal. 

crfische

Can I ask what the venue is? Just because I'm curious.

As for the date, if there are a lot of guests that would come to both weddings and there would be travel involved for a lot of them, I could see them choosing one for the other.

You have every right to choose whatever date you want though, but like I said. You may need to be prepared that not everyone will want to or be able to afford to travel to back to back weddings.

If everyone is local, well then. I really don't see the problem.

andy71781

It could be worse - my cousin picked my SAME date.  It sucks but she'll get over it.

A&EToBe

This is my first post on this board, but I think I have an interesting viewpoint on this one.

As an outsider, I can absolutely see both sides of that coin.  My FI and I are also teachers, so I understand how the school schedule dictates wedding dates and I know what it's like to have your heart set on a certain place.

On the other hand though, after we had been engaged for about 6 months, one of my FI groomsmen announced that he had eloped (with a girl that none of us had ever even met... long story) and while he lives in CA, he was planning on having a reception here in MA sometime in the Summer of 2011 (We're getting married July 23, 2011.)  I was instantly fairly upset that he was talking about having his wedding just before ours.  After spending so much time planning it was upsetting to have someone sweep in and say they were going to do it first. 

I know you say you have your heart set on this one place, but have you considered looking elsewhere?  I was surprised how much I had fallen in love with my venue after I had spent years dreaming of being married at one specific place.  Now I can't wait to be married at this new place.

And by the way, the resolution to our conflict, was that he is now planning on September...  I don't know how I would feel if he had stuck to his guns. :-\

crfische

Geez, Andy, really? WTF, cousin?

andy71781

yup - he was supposed to be a gm too.  We are obviously not speaking to this day.

crfische

Good lord, what was he thinking?

saisongbird

Well, there's two things here.  The first thing to consider is the travel, as Fishy mentioned.  Is everyone local?  If people have to travel two weekends in a row, then you have some decisions to make.  If they don't, just be the bigger person and make sure you'll be back from your honeymoon to go to her wedding.

Regarding the date - will she be pissed?  Probably - most brides would be.  Is she wrong if she doesn't get over it? Yes.  But, at the same time, I would take care that you don't give her the impression that you're "copying" her ideas.  Make your wedding different from hers, so at least this way the two weddings have completely different styles.

kfrick04

Thanks for the advice guys... The other issue I have is that both FI and I are from a very small town (less than 1000 people) in Northern MN, so our options are very limited. The location is the place my FI and I met, so that is kind of why I would like to do it there. Most of our family that would have to attend both of ours lives very close to where she is having hers, so not much travel would be involved for the most part. She has been engaged about 6 months longer than we have... I just don't want to feel like I'm stepping on her toes at all... And my dad spends up until the end of July fighting fires in the southwest

mandysmear

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_date-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e143061-d4f0-4a91-985e-a546579c8c38Post:aaf04e44-7fce-44cf-acc1-3a92e1227c59">Re: Date Issues.... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]This is my first post on this board, but I think I have an interesting viewpoint on this one. As an outsider, I can absolutely see both sides of that coin.  My FI and I are also teachers, so I understand how the school schedule dictates wedding dates <strong>NOT IF YOU'RE MISSCOURTNEY!!!!!!!</strong> and I know what it's like to have your heart set on a certain place. On the other hand though, after we had been engaged for about 6 months, one of my FI groomsmen announced that he had eloped (with a girl that none of us had ever even met... long story) and while he lives in CA, he was planning on having a reception here in MA sometime in the Summer of 2011 (We're getting married July 23, 2011.)  I was instantly fairly upset that he was talking about having his wedding just before ours.  After spending so much time planning it was upsetting to have someone sweep in and say they were going to do it first.  I know you say you have your heart set on this one place, but have you considered looking elsewhere?  I was surprised how much I had fallen in love with my venue after I had spent years dreaming of being married at one specific place.  Now I can't wait to be married at this new place. And by the way, the resolution to our conflict, was that he is now planning on September...  I don't know how I would feel if he had stuck to his guns. :-\
Posted by A&EToBe[/QUOTE]

kfrick04

Also, MOST people that will be coming will be local for the most part. We are planning on inviting about 400 people, understanding that only about 300 will be able to attend. Of those, about 40 would be people that are invited to both mine and hers...

saisongbird

Then I would say book the date that is right for you and your FI.  IMO, that's not too many people who overlap, and if they're local, the travel problem is solved.  And it's important to have your dad there!  I'd just say to let your parents know so that if your cousin does flip, that more people than your FI have your back in this case.  Good luck!

SpookieCat

I actually just a call last night from one of my bridesmaid's who is upset that her FI's cousin chose a date 3 weeks after hers.  I told her she can vent, be frustrated all she wants, but there's nothing she can do about it.  In her case, both cousin's have ALL their family in Portugal so there is a lot of travelling involved for those invited to both weddings.  She doesn't think anyone will come to hers anymore since they were not planning on inviting as large of a crowd as he has, ergo his will be more of a family reunion and will get a larger attendance.

I understand her frustration but I told her - all of your family and all of both of your friends will be there.  The only person who is going to be upset about people from Portugal who you have never met not coming is FI's parents.  Let them be sad about it.  You'll have a shorter guest list and your wedding will cost less

Edit:  Sorry - this doesn't really apply to you but I'm giving the other side of the story here.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_date-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e143061-d4f0-4a91-985e-a546579c8c38Post:aaf04e44-7fce-44cf-acc1-3a92e1227c59">Re: Date Issues.... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]This is my first post on this board, but I think I have an interesting viewpoint on this one. As an outsider, I can absolutely see both sides of that coin.  My FI and I are also teachers, so I understand how the school schedule dictates wedding dates and I know what it's like to have your heart set on a certain place. On the other hand though, after we had been engaged for about 6 months, one of my FI groomsmen announced that he had eloped (with a girl that none of us had ever even met... long story) and while he lives in CA, he was planning on having a reception here in MA sometime in the Summer of 2011 (We're getting married July 23, 2011.)  I was instantly fairly upset that he was talking about having his wedding just before ours.  <strong>After spending so much time planning it was upsetting to have someone sweep in and say they were going to do it first.  </strong>I know you say you have your heart set on this one place, but have you considered looking elsewhere?  I was surprised how much I had fallen in love with my venue after I had spent years dreaming of being married at one specific place.  Now I can't wait to be married at this new place. <strong>And by the way, the resolution to our conflict, was that he is now planning on September...  I don't know how I would feel if he had stuck to his guns. :-\</strong>
Posted by A&EToBe[/QUOTE]
You viewpoint is far from unique.  How long you take planning your wedding has no bearing on how long someone should wait before having there's.  I REALLY hope you didn't throw a childish fit and demand that he change his date so that YOUR wedding could be thuper-duper special.

crfische

A&E, you were being kind of ridiculous, and I'm surprised they actually moved their date. You must have thrown quite the fit.

The timeline you chose for your life shouldn't dictate how other people timeline their own.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Is there a way you could do it over fall break? Winter break? Even spring break? If not, don't worry about it. However, if I was your cousin, I would seriously consider whether or not I could attend a wedding the weekend before my own.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_date-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e143061-d4f0-4a91-985e-a546579c8c38Post:d5fad20d-a9d6-451c-b744-b6cd315dd00f">Re: Date Issues.... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, MOST people that will be coming will be local for the most part. We are planning on inviting about 400 people, understanding that only about 300 will be able to attend. Of those, about 40 would be people that are invited to both mine and hers...
Posted by kfrick04[/QUOTE]

Totally not related to the question asked, but I really hope you aren't relying on 100 people to say no to make your wedding affordable.  I can't tell you how many people we didn't think would come who actually did, and how many we thought would definitely be there who didn't come.  So if you only want 300, you should only invite 300.  I'm totally assuming based on this post, but you should never count on how many people won't come. 


I understand that you didn't have much choice, but yeah I would probably be pissed if I was your cousin and you were going to have a lot of the same guests.  I understand that you only get one day, but I really just think its rude to plan one that close, and especially to pick the week right before hers.  She probably would have been a little less upset if you did the week after, but still upset.  Just think of how expensive its going to be for any of your family members to attend showers and the wedding for both of you, plus travel expenses. 

I take it you've already booked and have no intention of changing your date, but I'm being completely honest when I say that yes I think it was a pretty shitty thing to do.

sister2groom

I don't quite buy the "not having options." If you picked the 3rd weekend (i.e. 3 weeks after 7/28) or 8/11 that would still be weeks before school started and you don't "need" a month-long honeymoon period. Unless your school starts in the middle of August, in which case, I'm sorry, forget I brought it up

I don't think the majority of your common guests will care whose wedding is first, but if your cousin does, telling her effectively you can't use the weekend after because you want weeks between your wedding and the day school starts would be a bit hard to take. It would also be difficult if there were other nice reception venues that you weren't willing to use because of your dream wedding.

However, I think it's reasonable to want a summer wedding and to accomodate your dad's schedule. Basically, I agree she gets just one day but saying you don't have any other choices is just not true and she probably won't appreciate being told that.

shortee426

My brother suggested he have his wedding the weekend before mine.  He thought that since both my sister and I will have to fly across country for both weddings that it would be convenient.  Come for wedding 1, stay the week, enjoy wedding 2, go home.  Considering I would come in a few days before my wedding anyway to tie up loose ends, get the marriage license, etc. he idea wasn't too ludicrous.  However, I was concerned about the shared guests that would have to drive a few hours, each way.  I didn't want anyone to decide they didn't feel like making the drive again and opt to not come to mine.  However, my brother was OK if that happened to him.  So we decided together that his wedding would be after mine.  And since J and I really wanted to HM right after our wedding, we thought it best to put 2+ weeks in between.  Both our schedules put 3 weeks in between the 2 events. Ideally I would have liked more but it is what it is.  We are aware that guests might not be able to make weekend trips so close to each other and while we will miss having those people there, we are going to enjoy our days with the guests that we do have.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_date-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e143061-d4f0-4a91-985e-a546579c8c38Post:bb0b213b-3404-4cc6-85bc-1fb880b3cd4e">Re: Date Issues.... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Sister to groom I don't think you read it right... We are planning on having the wedding on the 13th. The students may not be there on the 27th, but our teacher inservice has already started by that point. Plus, we are getting married outside on the beach, and the 27th is getting a little too close to northern minnesota cool weather for me. dnbeach - I was just using that as an example... we aren't really concerned about the number of people or planning on only having 300. My whole thought is, no matter what there would be two weddings on that side of the family next summer.<strong> I don't want to wait until 2012</strong>. So either way, there are going to be two showers, two of everything regardless. Even if we were able to work something out and do it the last weekend of July, there would still be two three weeks in between, which would still somewhat interfere.<strong> I wish I were joking when I said we really don't have options</strong>. There are many other smaller venues in our small little town, but they only hold about 150 people. I have no intention in making anyone mad, and this whole situation is really stressing me out because I just want everyone to be happy.
Posted by kfrick04[/QUOTE]

Thats fine that you don't want to wait until 2012.  But please don't say that you have no other options, because obviously waiting until next summer is an option. Or winter break and not getting married on the beach.  You just don't like the options. 

Beachy730

Also, what about Friday nights or a Sunday afternoon reception?  Those are other options also.

kfrick04

Wow you are a bugger of a person... How about we criticize everything single thing I say. I think you can get the point about what I am trying to say, and I would like opinons and advice, not criticism. Yes I have options, I get that, but I also don't want to do something that is uncomfortable for me or that I don't want to do, like everyone else. Yes, I have the option to do a Friday night/Sunday wedding, but it's not something I want to do. Yes I have the option to do it in 2012, but I don't want to have a two year engagement. As I am sitting here typing this, I am also looking to try to find somewhere else to do it to make life easier. If you want me to list every single option I have gone through I will be glad to do that for you. Since I was little, I have wanted to get married on the beach, and I don't want to have a stuffy/formal wedding, because that's not the kind of girl that I am.
Like my mom told me - if you don't have something nice to say, please don't say anything at all.... I would appreciate you not swearing (see above) also. Thanks!!!

sister2groom

My bad, sorry I was looking at the date in your bio.

kfrick04

and dnb.. I am not trying to be mean, I just came on here to try to get some advice.

vixey

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_date-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e143061-d4f0-4a91-985e-a546579c8c38Post:882c6092-b842-4785-b798-44fad0b1daed">Re: Date Issues.... :(</a>:
[QUOTE] Like my mom told me - if you don't have something nice to say, please don't say anything at all.... I would appreciate you not swearing (see above) also. Thanks!!!
Posted by kfrick04[/QUOTE]
Ok Mom.

Nebb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_date-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e143061-d4f0-4a91-985e-a546579c8c38Post:882c6092-b842-4785-b798-44fad0b1daed">Re: Date Issues.... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow you are a bugger of a person... How about we criticize everything single thing I say. I think you can get the point about what I am trying to say, and I would like opinons and advice, not criticism. Yes I have options, I get that, but I also don't want to do something that is uncomfortable for me or that I don't want to do, like everyone else. Yes, I have the option to do a Friday night/Sunday wedding, but it's not something I want to do. Yes I have the option to do it in 2012, but I don't want to have a two year engagement. As I am sitting here typing this, I am also looking to try to find somewhere else to do it to make life easier. If you want me to list every single option I have gone through I will be glad to do that for you. Since I was little, I have wanted to get married on the beach, and I don't want to have a stuffy/formal wedding, because that's not the kind of girl that I am. Like my mom told me - if you don't have something nice to say, please don't say anything at all.... I would appreciate you not swearing (see above) also. Thanks!!!
Posted by kfrick04[/QUOTE]
*eyeroll*
Stamp your feet a little while youre at it.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_date-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e143061-d4f0-4a91-985e-a546579c8c38Post:882c6092-b842-4785-b798-44fad0b1daed">Re: Date Issues.... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow you are a bugger of a person... How about we criticize everything single thing I say. I think you can get the point about what I am trying to say, and I would like opinons and advice, not criticism. Yes I have options, I get that, but I also don't want to do something that is uncomfortable for me or that I don't want to do, like everyone else. Yes, I have the option to do a Friday night/Sunday wedding, but it's not something I want to do. Yes I have the option to do it in 2012, but I don't want to have a two year engagement. As I am sitting here typing this, I am also looking to try to find somewhere else to do it to make life easier. If you want me to list every single option I have gone through I will be glad to do that for you. Since I was little, I have wanted to get married on the beach, and I don't want to have a stuffy/formal wedding, because that's not the kind of girl that I am. Like my mom told me - if you don't have something nice to say, please don't say anything at all.... I would appreciate you not swearing (see above) also. Thanks!!!
Posted by kfrick04[/QUOTE]
Are you effing serious?  You got plenty of good advice.  As DNB said, you have options.  Just because you don't LIKE the options that are in front of you doesn't mean that you're backed into a corner and HAVE TO HAVE THIS ONE OPTION OR THE WORLD WILL END!!!

amber2123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_date-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e143061-d4f0-4a91-985e-a546579c8c38Post:882c6092-b842-4785-b798-44fad0b1daed">Re: Date Issues.... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I would appreciate you not swearing (see above) also. Thanks!!!
Posted by kfrick04[/QUOTE]
She can't say pissed but you can call her a "bugger"?  You do know bugger is a swear word right?

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_date-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e143061-d4f0-4a91-985e-a546579c8c38Post:882c6092-b842-4785-b798-44fad0b1daed">Re: Date Issues.... :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow you are a bugger of a person... How about we criticize everything single thing I say.<strong> I think you can get the point about what I am trying to say, and I would like opinons and advice, not criticism. Yes I have options, I get that, but I also don't want to do something that is uncomfortable for me or that I don't want to do, like everyone else. Yes, I have the option to do a Friday night/Sunday wedding, but it's not something I want to do. Yes I have the option to do it in 2012, but I don't want to have a two year engagement. </strong>As I am sitting here typing this, I am also looking to try to find somewhere else to do it to make life easier. If you want me to list every single option I have gone through I will be glad to do that for you. Since I was little, I have wanted to get married on the beach, and I don't want to have a stuffy/formal wedding, because that's not the kind of girl that I am. Like my mom told me - if you don't have something nice to say, please don't say anything at all.... I would appreciate you not swearing (see above) also. Thanks!!!
Posted by kfrick04[/QUOTE]

This is all I'm picturing.
<a href="http://null/imgres?imgurl=http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_yk99Q7JFPz8/S8Jjr_Dh9CI/AAAAAAAAAAU/kIh4ROUzyW8/s1600/veruca_salt.jpg&imgrefurl=http://etsykids.blogspot.com/&h=332&w=325&sz=13&tbnid=U8sbV5fLvKxi-M:&tbnh=227&tbnw=222&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dpicture%2Bof%2Bveruca%2Bsalt,%2Bwilly%2Bwonka&zoom=1&q=picture+of+veruca+salt,+willy+wonka&usg=__DGtCpsS9RSc6b3_lNhVxjRZWjZw=&sa=X&ei=3G3gTOO6O4emsQPNzbDrCg&ved=0CBoQ9QEwAA"><img id="imgthumb1" style="margin:3px;padding:1px;" class="imgthumb1" src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/xogrp/b64-images/42ccda99f78baa7c4614ce300bb59adae8399eb7.jpg" border="1" alt="" title="http://etsykids.blogspot.com/" width="191" height="196" align="middle" /></a>
Hahahaha, really?  A bugger of a person?  First of all, I am 27 years old, and its an international public message board, that I can answer how I want.  You post on a the etiquette board asking what we think and I told you what I think.  If you want a site where people wil only give you validation of your ideas, this is the last board you should be posting on. 

And no, I do not get the point of what you are trying to say.  You want me to say its okay that you get married a week before your wedding because you have no other options.  There are plenty of options here, but you are insisting on a certain venue, day of the week, and time of the year.  Which tells me you care way more about the venue and location than your cousin's feelings or the feelings and wallets of your families.  So actually, with this last post, you are just making yourself look worse IMO because you're saying things you're refusing to do.  Don't try to pass that off as a lack of options. 

vixey

I think it's sort of rude to ask your cousin how she feels about you having your wedding the weekend before her wedding, pretty much asking for her blessing, then completely disregarding her response.  Why ask in the first place if her answer didn't matter?