B-lists

nda8414

I saw something on TK recently where people were talking negatively about B-lists.  Just wondering, why is this looked down upon on so much?

thanks, kyle

Anastasia517

Why is it looked down upon to rank some of your guests as less important than others?  Really?

It's looked down upon because people will find out about it and it is insulting to the people who are in the second round of invitations.  All of your guests should be treated equally at your wedding, from the same beverages to the same RSVP date.

AddieCake

Because how would you like to be invited to a party only if the people the hosts REALLY wanted there couldn't make it?

nda8414

Thanks for the feedback, makes sense.

I've never been b-listed (that I know of), but one of my close friends was b-listed for a wedding last year for one of her friends' friends that she was acquaintances with, and my friend was just excited to be included, even though she knew it was a last minute thing.  FI and I aren't b-listing, we're just inviting the people we want to/can invite.  I agree - I guess I would feel awkward showing up for a wedding that I was B (or C, D, or E) listed for.

nda8414

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:2ba848bb-21e6-4b9f-a65d-3c6264bb5e3c">Re:Blists</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto Sparky. I cannot wrap my head around why people even have to ask what is rude about treating part of your guests as second class citizens
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Because we're not all as smart and sophisticated as you, duh!

QueerFemme

I'm not sure why someone would be thrilled to be included when they know the hosts weren't all that interested in including them in the first place. 

nda8414

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:be03c41e-58ad-4f1c-b826-a17e533dc294">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure why someone would be thrilled to be included when they know the hosts weren't all that interested in including them in the first place. 
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]



I like going to weddings, so I can. If I got b listed to someone's wedding that I felt closer to, I would feel awkward to be b listed, but I can think of a few friends' friend's that I'd be happy to go and have a good time at their wedding if they had extra spots left on the list. I think it depends on the relationship.

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:4252033e-b4eb-4db3-8730-6a665d3e9d9e">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: B-lists : I like going to weddings, so I can. If I got b listed to someone's wedding that I felt closer to, I would feel awkward to be b listed, but I can think of a few friends' friend's that I'd be happy to go and have a good time at their wedding if they had extra spots left on the list. I think it depends on the relationship.
Posted by nda8414[/QUOTE]

In some cases people b-list because they planned their wedding poorly and picked a venue that couldn't fit everyone they'd invite and/or picked food/drink that they can't afford for as many people as they want.
So they try to include everyone they want by b-listing. Their intentions may be decent (want more people to share their day), and some guests might be happy to get to participate afterall... but the fact is, if your being there was truly that important to them they would have invited you the first time around, or even better, decided having their full guest list was more important than their "dream venue."
And those are the good ones.

Some people really just see you as a warm body to fill a chair if they need to meet a minimum. Or they think inviting you might win them a gift more expensive than it cost to feed you.

And a big problem with b-listing is that if a guest finds out, they have no way of knowing which group the host really falls into (though both are bad...)

SP29

*Flame suit on*

I am not 100% against B-lists. I agree that it depends on the relationship you have with the person. I'm not talking about inviting people just to meet your minimum. Many couples are on a budget (weddings are expensive any way you slice them) and usually end up having to cut their guest list down. Often there are people you'd like to invite, cause you genuinely like them, but you end up cutting because you haven't talked to them much in the past year or two. I don't see an issue with tactfully inviting someone a little after the fact should you find you have less guests, OR should you find you've saved money elsewhere and can spend more on inviting guests. 

Sephiroth

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:b3623461-1484-4197-af30-2431fd72a0d3">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]*Flame suit on* I am not 100% against B-lists. I agree that it depends on the relationship you have with the person. I'm not talking about inviting people just to meet your minimum. Many couples are on a budget (weddings are expensive any way you slice them) and usually end up having to cut their guest list down. Often there are people you'd like to invite, cause you genuinely like them, but you end up cutting because you haven't talked to them much in the past year or two. I don't see an issue with tactfully inviting someone a little after the fact should you find you have less guests, OR should you find you've saved money elsewhere and can spend more on inviting guests. 
Posted by SP29[/QUOTE]

B Lists send the extraordinary message of "I kind of like you, but not nearly as much as I like other people, and if those other people that I like better had accepted my invitation, you would never have been invited. But since they didn't, I guess you can come. Don't forget your present, KTHXBAI."

There's no way that message isn't both rude and hurtful.

nda8414

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:f201aa04-d323-4eb6-a6b2-a473b0f79401">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: B-lists : In some cases people b-list because they planned their wedding poorly and picked a venue that couldn't fit everyone they'd invite and/or picked food/drink that they can't afford for as many people as they want. So they try to include everyone they want by b-listing. Their intentions may be decent (want more people to share their day), and some guests might be happy to get to participate afterall... but the fact is, if your being there was truly that important to them they would have invited you the first time around, or even better, decided having their full guest list was more important than their "dream venue." And those are the good ones. Some people really just see you as a warm body to fill a chair if they need to meet a minimum. <strong>Or they think inviting you might win them a gift more expensive than it cost to feed you</strong>. And a big problem with b-listing is that if a guest finds out, they have no way of knowing which group the host really falls into (though both are bad...)
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

oh a whole other subject, I can't tell you how many people told FI and I things like "dont invite that person, they won't give you a gift, or a gift that equals what you spend on the plate" or "please invite this person, I promise they give good gifts".  I can't believe people actually still think that you have to give a gift at all, let alone the price of the plate.  FI and I respond with, FYI we are NOT getting married to stock up on blenders and utensils.

nda8414

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:b3623461-1484-4197-af30-2431fd72a0d3">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]*Flame suit on* I am not 100% against B-lists. I agree that it depends on the relationship you have with the person. I'm not talking about inviting people just to meet your minimum. Many couples are on a budget (weddings are expensive any way you slice them) and usually end up having to cut their guest list down. <strong>Often there are people you'd like to invite, cause you genuinely like them, but you end up cutting because you haven't talked to them much in the past year or two.</strong> I don't see an issue with tactfully inviting someone a little after the fact should you find you have less guests, OR should you find you've saved money elsewhere and can spend more on inviting guests. 
Posted by SP29[/QUOTE]

That's a good point, too.

Salsera29

I am not B-listing and I understand why they are rude. However, I do think that a casual friend might understand that say, Aunt Sally needs to be on the guest list first. 

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:710760b3-2384-48f8-b3eb-77557c029205">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: B-lists : I have gotten this a few times about family members.  Specially, if they do not like the family member and know they wont show up, but happen to know they always send good gifts.  My guest list has nothing to do with gifts, it has to deal with people that are nearest and dearest to FI and I.
Posted by snippet17[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>My FMIL is like this. She has 10 siblings and we're trying to have a very small wedding. I've never met any of her siblings and FI has only met them once or twice. She's insisting that we send them an invitation because "they won't come but they'll send a gift". B*tch, no! We don't want a gift, we want a small, stress-free freaking wedding!!!!</div>

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:2ff23e96-a286-412f-8987-67526c9b7cd0">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not B-listing and I understand why they are rude. However, I do think that a casual friend might understand that say, Aunt Sally needs to be on the guest list first. 
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]

<div>You know, if the wedding gods came down and dictated how many wedding guests everyone could have, this would make sense.  But you're making a false comparison.</div><div>
</div><div>The issue is not that Aunt Sally comes before the friend.  The issue is that a particular venue, food, decor or dress comes before budgeting for that friend.  </div>

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:2ff23e96-a286-412f-8987-67526c9b7cd0">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not B-listing and I understand why they are rude. However, I do think that a casual friend might understand that say, Aunt Sally needs to be on the guest list first. 
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]
I get what you're saying, but my take on it is this:<div>
</div><div>If I want to invite you but have to invite Aunt Sally first, I know you will understand and then maybe not mind being B-listed(based on your post). However, if I invite Aunt Sally and then she can't make it so I invite Stage, Stage is going to be pissed at being B-listed. If Aunt Sally can't come, so I invite, let's say Britni, I don't know how Britni is going to take it b/c I haven't gotten to know her well enough to know yet. So I feel like it's best to avoid the B-listing completely so you don't run the risk of upsetting anyone. You just can never be too sure b/c sometimes you think you know someone, and you really don't. </div><div>
</div><div>People can usually understand the reasons for not being invited at all. It gets tricky when they become your B-team. </div>

Andama08

I think it depends on your relationships and the way in which you do it. My FI and I have created priority lists. We have huge families and lots of friends. We have a lot of out of town family who we're almost positive won't come but still receive priority because they are close family and have to be invited (considering our parents our helping us pay for some things). Our first group of invites are being sent to family only, and once we start to receive rsvps and declines we'll send out the next group. Our friends and family are two separate groups and wouldn't even know who was or wasn't invited. When I recieve an invite to something the last thing I would do is call around and ask who got an invite and when. A friend of mine is not going to call an aunt of mine and ask if they recieved an invite before them or not, they don't communicate that way. We are conscious of groups of people, and who our guests are and who talks to who. B-lists can be tastefully done. No one is going to receieve an invite within less than a month of the rsvp date, I think that is very rude. If we do choose to invite additinal people they will receive a invite with more than enough time. I personally would not be offended if I was 2nd place to someone's family member.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:0596b772-03e7-4f05-8d94-c3af835de1b4">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it depends on your relationships and the way in which you do it. My FI and I have created priority lists. We have huge families and lots of friends. We have a lot of out of town family who we're almost positive won't come but still receive priority because they are close family and have to be invited (considering our parents our helping us pay for some things). Our first group of invites are being sent to family only, and once we start to receive rsvps and declines we'll send out the next group. Our friends and family are two separate groups and wouldn't even know who was or wasn't invited. When I recieve an invite to something the last thing I would do is call around and ask who got an invite and when. A friend of mine is not going to call an aunt of mine and ask if they recieved an invite before them or not, they don't communicate that way. We are conscious of groups of people, and who our guests are and who talks to who. B-lists can be tastefully done. No one is going to receieve an invite within less than a month of the rsvp date, I think that is very rude. If we do choose to invite additinal people they will receive a invite with more than enough time. I personally would not be offended if I was 2nd place to someone's family member.
Posted by Andama08[/QUOTE]<div>Let me ask you this. Let's say you and I have a mutual friend who invited her aunt to the wedding, and the aunt can't come, so she invited me in her place. Would you not feel offended that you didn't outrank me? Why was I chosen over you? I am higher on the B-list than you are, it seems. Maybe you wouldn't mind, but if the situation were reversed, it would bother me. I would rather she just not invite either of us period. </div><div>
</div><div>This is why I think it gets sticky. Yeah, I get some people need to invite family first and then maybe some people wouldn't be offended being B-listed behind them. But it gets sticky when you then have to start creating that B-list from among your friends, you know?

</div>

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:0596b772-03e7-4f05-8d94-c3af835de1b4">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it depends on your relationships and the way in which you do it. My FI and I have created priority lists. We have huge families and lots of friends. We have a lot of out of town family who we're almost positive won't come but still receive priority because they are close family and have to be invited (considering our parents our helping us pay for some things). Our first group of invites are being sent to family only, and once we start to receive rsvps and declines we'll send out the next group. Our friends and family are two separate groups and wouldn't even know who was or wasn't invited. When I recieve an invite to something the last thing I would do is call around and ask who got an invite and when. A friend of mine is not going to call an aunt of mine and ask if they recieved an invite before them or not, they don't communicate that way. We are conscious of groups of people, and who our guests are and who talks to who. B-lists can be tastefully done. No one is going to receieve an invite within less than a month of the rsvp date, I think that is very rude. If we do choose to invite additinal people they will receive a invite with more than enough time. I personally would not be offended if I was 2nd place to someone's family member.
Posted by Andama08[/QUOTE]
People are not stupid.  They will know.  There is no tasteful way to do a B-list, period.

Andama08

I can't be offended if I didn't know whether or not I was on the guestlist to begin with. Just because a friend of both of ours is invited doesn't mean they were planning on inviting me too. I wouldn't be offended because I wouldn't know if I was ever even an option. I would never go around asking "did you get an invite to this? I wonder why I didn't" I just wouldn't care. My guestlist is between my FI and I and it isn't announced.

We won't be creating B-lists among friends. We are sending invites to family first in one group. We've decided on a date that if we receieve so many declines by that point than we are able to invite a certain amount of our friends, those invites will be mailed at the same time. None of our friends will be offended if they were to ever find out family invites were sent first. If they were to put it all together they'd probably assume "Oh, family members got invites first" and not that they were on a "b-list". B-lists and priority lists might not be appropriate for everyone but for our particular situation I don't feel it is rude.



In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:77dd3782-bd12-425c-865a-3d34c7881bbc">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: B-lists : Let me ask you this. <strong>Let's say you and I have a mutual friend who invited her aunt to the wedding, and the aunt can't come, so she invited me in her place. Would you not feel offended that you didn't outrank me?</strong> Why was I chosen over you? I am higher on the B-list than you are, it seems. Maybe you wouldn't mind, but if the situation were reversed, it would bother me. I would rather she just not invite either of us period.  This is why I think it gets sticky. Yeah, I get some people need to invite family first and then maybe some people wouldn't be offended being B-listed behind them. <strong>But it gets sticky when you then have to start creating that B-list from among your friends, you know?</strong>
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:4af50b58-56b0-40b0-98c6-2fdaa7ccf14e">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't be offended if I didn't know whether or not I was on the guestlist to begin with. Just because a friend of both of ours is invited doesn't mean they were planning on inviting me too. I wouldn't be offended because I wouldn't know if I was ever even an option. I would never go around asking "did you get an invite to this? I wonder why I didn't" I just wouldn't care. My guestlist is between my FI and I and it isn't announced. We won't be creating B-lists among friends. We are sending invites to family first in one group. We've decided on a date that if we receieve so many declines by that point than we are able to invite a certain amount of our friends, those invites will be mailed at the same time.<strong> None of our friends will be offended if they were to ever find out family invites were sent first. If they were to put it all together they'd probably assume "Oh, family members got invites first" and not that they were on a "b-list". B-lists and priority lists might not be appropriate for everyone but for our particular situation I don't feel it is rude. </strong>In Response to Re: B-lists :
Posted by Andama08[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Well it is rude. Did you poll every one of your friends and ask them if they'll be offended when they figure out they're b-listed?</div><div>
</div><div>Part of planning a wedding responsibly is determining priorities and a budget. If you want to host 400 people, for example, you need to figure out how to host 400 people. If you'd rather host 100 people better, you need to do that. Not cross your fingers that people don't RSVP. You can try to justify it all you want, but you're still being rude. 

</div>

Andama08

My friends would rather be there then not at all. As I said before it may not be appropriate for everyone, but for my FI and I it is. I didn't even know what a B-list was until TK.

n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:8affc95c-8cc8-41b8-bb1f-53be1bb8eea8">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: B-lists : Well it is rude. <strong>Did you poll every one of your friends and ask them if they'll be offended when they figure out they're b-listed?</strong> Part of planning a wedding responsibly is determining priorities and a budget. If you want to host 400 people, for example, you need to figure out how to host 400 people. If you'd rather host 100 people better, you need to do that. Not cross your fingers that people don't RSVP. You can try to justify it all you want, but you're still being rude. 
Posted by beardownbchs[/QUOTE]

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_b-lists-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ea8c984-c9ff-4f45-aeee-097df299980aPost:3e45cfe2-8adb-4cd5-9c77-510d8adae72d">Re: B-lists</a>:
[QUOTE]My friends would rather be there then not at all. As I said before it may not be appropriate for everyone, but for my FI and I it is. I didn't even know what a B-list was until TK. n Response to Re: B-lists :
Posted by Andama08[/QUOTE]

Firstly... I love how your whole explanation of why the way you're b-listing is ok is because people won't find out.
Ummm. Hate to break it to you but:
Not Getting Caught Being Rude is not the same thing as Not Being Rude

And you may not have meant it that way, but your statement sounds sooooooooo egotistical. "Our wedding is so awesome, and our mind-reading powers are so cool that we know ours friends totally wouldn't care that we were rude to them as long as they got to come to our super cool wedding and fawn all over us."

It is how you're coming off.

Ranking any part of your guest list above the other is very rude to your guests, no matter what you think.

If you REALLY think what you're doing is ok, and not rude, why not just tell all your friends it's what you're doing? If you're so sure they'd be totally fine with it and want to come to your wedding despite how you treat them, why don't you tell them?
If any part of you is hesitant to do that, listen to that little voice in your head that's telling you the whole situation is wrong.

Sephiroth

It's okay to have B lists - as long as they are totally private and in no way affect any public action that you ever take. You can have a list at home, on your desk, of 50 people that you'll invite no matter what, and then another list of 30 more people that you'll invite if that bank heist next week goes off okay. That's fine - so long as the bank heist happens before you send invitations out (public action).

It's fine to have internal priority lists. It's not fine let that stratify your guests in an active way. And sending out more than one round of invitations stratifies your guests in an active way.

Peledreamsofrain

eh, go ahead and be rude to people.  This is an advice board, not a mind control board.  At the end of the day, your behavior doesn't affect our lives.  So..... big ol shrug comin right atcha.