Wedding Etiquette Forum

[long, sorry] How much trouble am I about to be in...

...and can I stop it before it happens?

Background: I want a very, very, VERY small wedding - think, just immediate family.  My fiance wants a LARGE wedding - he wants to invite the entire regular attendance of his church (805 alone).  My father stepped in and settled this by saying that he will very generously pay for our reception, but that can be a guest list of no more than 110 people.  Jordan and I are currently in the process of haggling that out (our number is at 150 right now, we need to bring it down).

Here is the problem.  I was only planning on inviting the one coworker that I am friendly with outside of work.  We work in a large office so I figured it wouldn't be an issue.  This coworker friend (M) and I recently got an apartment together, and needed a third roommate.  She invited another coworker that SHE is friendly with, and I don't mind, to join our lease, and this coworker (K) agreed.

K stopped by my desk on her way out of work today and said, "Hey, remind me when your wedding is again?  I need to fill out my leave request form so that I can used my leave hours!"  I was in the middle of a phone call, so she told me to just leave it on a postit on her desk and she'd file the request tomorrow.

K was not on my invitation list, and I don't know that I can fit or, nor do I know that I want to TRY and fit her.  I like her well enough, but she's not my favorite, and there are plenty of other people I would rather have there instead.  While we have a long while before invitations go out, my dad would like our final list soon (we get different prices for adults/teens/kids at our venue, so the official count affects the price).  

CN and the question all in on: As K is now my roommate, should I suck it up and put her on the invitation list and cut someone else out, or should I stick with my original plan and not invite her, and possibly step in a big pile of etiquette poo?

Sorry this got so long.


image

***raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways***
oh noes, sweetpea UPDATED her planning bio

Wedding Countdown Ticker
«1

Re: [long, sorry] How much trouble am I about to be in...

  • I don't think you HAVE to invite her, but you might be kind of burning a bridge with someone you live with. 
    image
  • I'd find a way to invite her. You work with her and she's your roommate -- and while 110 might feel small while you're battling the guest list, there's no way you can get away with telling her "it's a small wedding" with that number and that living situation.
  • Would inviting one more person affect a lot? I mean, would the fact that she's there mess anything up? If not, then I would say, just for the sake of nipping trouble in the bud before it even starts, I would invite her.
  • Well, first of all, she was wrong to presume that she is invited.  You shouldn't feel obligated to invite her just because she thinks you will.  On the other hand, it might make for some awkward months of living with her if you tell her she's not invited. 

    Etiquette-wise, you are ok to not invite her.  Be honest; you have a tight guest list and can't invite many people you'd like to. 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • When is your wedding? Will you still be living there or will you have a new place by then? If she's your current roommate, I think you should invite her. 
    my read shelf:
    Meredith's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    40/112

    Photobucket
  • My wedding is in September of 2011.  Like I said, long time before the invitations go out.  If my dad didn't need to know an estimated budget idea (since we get the different prices for adults/teens/kids), I wouldn't even be thinking about the guest list yet.

    We signed the lease and move in next month, and I plan on living there til I get married.  I think she will be as well, unless something drastic changes.  So...I guess inviting her is the right thing to do.  Which I guess I knew all along, but it's way easier to have you girls tell me that instead of just admitting it in the first place.

    sigh.  Thanks ladies for reminding me not to be an idiot and making my living situation unbearable.  I do appreciate it! 

    image

    ***raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways***
    oh noes, sweetpea UPDATED her planning bio

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • suck it up and figure out a way to invite her and not cut anybody else out.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_long-sorry-much-trouble-am?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ecd4a5a-1844-4a83-aa14-22028b7ba855Post:50252417-89ef-4bf7-84b9-55ca354e5ccf">Re: [long, sorry] How much trouble am I about to be in...</a>:
    [QUOTE]suck it up and figure out a way to invite her and not cut anybody else out.
    Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm up against 22 + spouses from FMIL, all of J's high school friends, our entire radio station at school (who set us up), and my extended family that are putting us above 110. Someone's gonna have to get cut somewhere, unfortunately :(</div>

    image

    ***raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways***
    oh noes, sweetpea UPDATED her planning bio

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Are these FMIL's friends? Does FI actually talk to/keep in touch with all of his high school friends? And do you have to invite all of your extended family?

    FI and I are basically limiting the guest list to people that we talk to on a regular basis or could at least pick out of a crowd and carry on a conversation with.
  • lilianne22lilianne22 member
    500 Comments
    edited October 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_long-sorry-much-trouble-am?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ecd4a5a-1844-4a83-aa14-22028b7ba855Post:d5f75e62-9042-4d45-8f69-b5f6b6a359e5">Re: [long, sorry] How much trouble am I about to be in...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: [long, sorry] How much trouble am I about to be in... : I'm up against <strong>22 + spouses from FMIL</strong>, all of J's high school friends, our entire radio station at school (who set us up), and <strong>my extended family</strong>that are putting us above 110. Someone's gonna have to get cut somewhere, unfortunately :(
    Posted by sweetpea0911[/QUOTE]

    22+:  Are these people you guys know?  Since your dad is paying she doesn't have final say on who makes the cut.

    Extended fam:  You could cut some in tiers..like invite only first cousins.
  • Hey Sweetpea! It's been a while. How are things, beyond the guest list issue?
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_long-sorry-much-trouble-am?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ecd4a5a-1844-4a83-aa14-22028b7ba855Post:986042a3-95cd-4ac6-8515-d7fb9d5790c3">Re: [long, sorry] How much trouble am I about to be in...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Are these FMIL's friends? Does FI actually talk to/keep in touch with all of his high school friends? And do you have to invite all of your extended family? FI and I are basically limiting the guest list to people that we talk to on a regular basis or could at least pick out of a crowd and carry on a conversation with.
    Posted by Jill9288[/QUOTE]

    <div>FMIL's coworkers, some of who apparently "won't even come", but I "can't invite SOME of them and not ALL of them".  J isn't helping cut that list down either, he "knows them too well" and thinks that FMIL needs to narrow it down herself, which ain't happening.</div><div>
    </div><div>I don't want to invite all the extended family (Mom does) so they're easy to knock off the list.  J apparently does keep in touch with all 15+ friends (and, of course, their significant others), whom I've only met but one.  I'm lobbying hard to fit in the radio station people, because I still keep in contact with them all, but I honestly don't know where we're gonna make cuts since they're not working with me and I'm at my wits end.</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>Stage -- Thanks for the encouragement.  I have refused to look at the list since a week ago, but K brought up the issue again with that question at work, plus FMIL wants to "discuss" it this weekend....Oi.</div>

    image

    ***raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways***
    oh noes, sweetpea UPDATED her planning bio

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Jasmineh!  Hey lady, it's been good.  On and off with jobs for J and stuff, but his lungs are good and healthy and I have a paycheck coming in, so I can't complain too much.  What about you?  You're a MRS and you look so pretty! =]

    image

    ***raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways***
    oh noes, sweetpea UPDATED her planning bio

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Glad to hear he's doing well. :)

    I'm good, work and school and all that. Very happy to be done with planning!
    image
  • Jill - thanks, I don't envy me either [hah!]

    Jas - Ohhhh, I wish I were done.  I'm getting ready to go back to school for my bachelor's, and then it's on to seminary  or law school [I haven't decided which yet], so I feel you on the class and work thing.  

    image

    ***raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways***
    oh noes, sweetpea UPDATED her planning bio

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Can you tell FMIlL that she gets x guests included in the 110 count, and if she wants to ask for more, she has to pay for them herself?

    I think 22 out of 110 for someone who's not paying is an awful lot of guests.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_long-sorry-much-trouble-am?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ecd4a5a-1844-4a83-aa14-22028b7ba855Post:d5f75e62-9042-4d45-8f69-b5f6b6a359e5">Re: [long, sorry] How much trouble am I about to be in...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: [long, sorry] How much trouble am I about to be in... : <strong>I'm up against 22 + spouses from FMIL</strong>, all of J's high school friends, our entire radio station at school (who set us up), and my extended family that are putting us above 110. Someone's gonna have to get cut somewhere, unfortunately :(
    Posted by sweetpea0911[/QUOTE]

    Let me get this right.  Your FMIL, who isn't paying for anything, wants to invite 22 plus their spouses?  So she wants 44 people out of 110 at your wedding to be her co-workers?  I'm sorry, but that is a definite no IMO. 

    You should determine a set amount that she can have.  If you want to give her say 20 people, tell her (you or your FI) that she can invite 20 people total, and if she wants more than that she will have to pay for them since its not in the budget. 
    My mom has worked at the same hospital for over 35 years, and the only work people she invited were the 2 woman that she works with right in here department.  She cut her boss and many others that she originally wanted to keep the guest list down, and that was with my parents paying for a huge chunk of our wedding.  I'm sorry, but your FMIL is being very selfish to try and have 44 out of 110 people be her coworkers.  Your FI needs to step up on that. 


    And for the roommate, as much as I'd love to tell you not to invite someone you don't want, I really don't see how you can not invite this girl who will be living with you and not have it be awkward between the two of you for the next year.
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
  • Yes.

    Each guest who has a spouse, gets the spouse invited also.
    Each guest who is living with someone, gets the live-in person invited also.

    Your co-worker/roommate M is living with K.
    So K must be invited.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_long-sorry-much-trouble-am?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ecd4a5a-1844-4a83-aa14-22028b7ba855Post:9bc9942b-0671-4e73-989f-6dce93541562">Re: [long, sorry] How much trouble am I about to be in...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes. Each guest who has a spouse, gets the spouse invited also. Each guest who is living with someone, gets the live-in person invited also. Your co-worker/roommate M is living with K. So K must be invited.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    Um no. They're roommates, not a couple.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Yeah, "living with each other" as a qualification for the extra person getting an invitation is referring to cohabitating, not just rooming together.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_long-sorry-much-trouble-am?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ecd4a5a-1844-4a83-aa14-22028b7ba855Post:ef74a5a3-d213-43e4-8f74-62bb039be503">Re: [long, sorry] How much trouble am I about to be in...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, "living with each other" as a qualification for the extra person getting an invitation is referring to cohabitating, not just rooming together.
    Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]

    Right? By that logic, I'd have to invite my sister's college roommate. You know, cause they live together.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Making cuts can be tough but definitely try to stick to the friends you see most now and plan to see in your future together. I'm not offended by old friends who didn't invite me, you never know the situation and it's rude to assume you get to go. Fortunately you could also maybe count on some people not showing (if they live far away maybe...) but you can't count on that. Good luck!
    - Emilie Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I don't normally come on this board however I happened to see this post and I have to sort of give my two cents on this one... you should absolutely not be cutting people from your list to accomodate your future in law's to your own wedding, especally someone as close as a roommate. You may not be that close NOW but by the time the wedding comes around, it will almost have been a year since moving in together and unless she's a terrible roommate you probably WILL want her there. Imagine spending a whole year living with a person and them not becoming close enough to be at your wedding... I think you need to sit down with your FMIL and say out of 110 you and your FI have a certain number of guests (absolutely more than half is appropriate) and divide what is left between your parents and his parents. Or just tell them what I told my FMIL. My fiance and I are prepared to pay for 125 guests. Of that you can invite 15 friends/spouses (we're counting all their family in our numbers). Anything above those 15 you're free to invite however you're financially responsible for each one of them including the meal, the favor, etc. That way your father isn't stuck paying for a million people but she doesn't have to whine that her daughter in law made her uninvite people.
  • edited October 2010
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: [long, sorry] How much trouble am I about to be in... : Let me get this right.  Your FMIL, who isn't paying for anything, wants to invite 22 plus their spouses?  So she wants 44 people out of 110 at your wedding to be her co-workers?  I'm sorry, but that is a definite no IMO.  You should determine a set amount that she can have.  If you want to give her say 20 people, tell her (you or your FI) that she can invite 20 people total, and if she wants more than that she will have to pay for them since its not in the budget . . . I'm sorry, but your FMIL is being very selfish to try and have 44 out of 110 people be her coworkers.  Your FI needs to step up on that.  And for the roommate, as much as I'd love to tell you not to invite someone you don't want, I really don't see how you can not invite this girl who will be living with you and not have it be awkward between the two of you for the next year.
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
    Exactly. Sweetpea, that is a oh HELL no on your FMILs 22 <strong>coworkers </strong>and their +1s.

    And while you don't have to invite K, it could make it really awkward for the next year if you don't. Good luck.
  • edited October 2010
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: [long, sorry] How much trouble am I about to be in... : Right? By that logic, I'd have to invite my sister's college roommate. You know, cause they live together.
    Posted by LuluP82[/QUOTE]
    Exactly! And I guess that means I have to invite my brother's girlfriend's parents and sister. And our best man's housemates.

    Kristin, that has to be some of the worst advice I've read from you.
  • I deffiantly agree with PP comments on giving FMIL a set number of people that she can invite and above that she can pay for her own guests. This is your wedding and not hers I think she needs to remember that!!Good luck and let us know how it goes after this weekend.
    Married since 5/21/2011
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • Hahaha, I know, FMIL busted out that 22+ number and I almost died.  The best part is that I ALREADY told each parent (my parents are divorced and his are seperated) that they may each invite 6 people, or 3 couples, of their choosing.  We are already including all family out to first cousins, so it's not like they had to fit family and friends into 6.  Just 6 friends.

    We're "discussing" it this weekend, and the ONLY reason I'm even entertaining the idea of talking to her about it is because J won't.  He's trying to figure out how he can cut HIS friends in order to make room for all of his MOTHER'S friends, and is p.o.'d that I won't allow him to cut people from college that we are both friends with to do so (I won't let him do that because danggit, I want them there!)

    Anyway, it's a mess.  But I officially wrote out K's card last night and put it in the definite pile.  We may not ever be besties, but since she is a roommmate, ya'll are right - don't burn the bridge before I'm even halfway across.

    image

    ***raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways***
    oh noes, sweetpea UPDATED her planning bio

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_long-sorry-much-trouble-am?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ecd4a5a-1844-4a83-aa14-22028b7ba855Post:9bc9942b-0671-4e73-989f-6dce93541562">Re: [long, sorry] How much trouble am I about to be in...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes. Each guest who has a spouse, gets the spouse invited also. Each guest who is living with someone, gets the live-in person invited also. Your co-worker/roommate M is living with K. So K must be invited.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

    <div>M has a boyfriend, who will be invited.  K does not, but as she would be traveling out of town, she gets a plus one.  Any spouses of coworkers invited get their spouse/plus one invited....just not 22+.  I can't accommodate that number, and FMIL needs to cut it down.</div><div>
    </div><div>I know my etiquette.  Promise.</div>

    image

    ***raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways***
    oh noes, sweetpea UPDATED her planning bio

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • My concern is not so much the etiquette and wedding count issues but WHY are you even considering sharing an apartment with someone you don't like enough to invite to a wedding of over 100 people?  My guess is, if you are this indifferent about her now, after a few months of sharing an apartment, you will hate each other (if you are both still alive), and the whole issue of the wedding invitation will be irrelevant. 
  • Kristen - I ditto that that's the worst advice ever.  Someone living under the same roof does't mean they are dating or warrant an invite.  Its only if they are a dating couple living together.  I'm pretty convinced that you don't actually read the whole posts, and you just read to the point where you can copy and paste some irrelevant etiquette rule.

    OP- Good for you that you are making your FI talk to her.  Stick to your guns.  It is the wedding of you and he, and you have every right to want your friends there over FMIL's coworkers.  You did a very fair thing to tell all the parents 6 people each.  Especially if you are keeping it equal even though your dad is the one paying.  Honestly, it sounds like your FI would rather upset you and take people of your own guest list than ruffle any feathers with his mom.  But you don't want your wedding to literally be half strangers, so stick to your guns.  Tell him and her you will gladly add anyone you want to this guest list, but you can only afford to give her 6 people and you are keeping it fair to all parents, and she can choose to pay the way for anyone else.  Good luck! 

    imageBabyFruit Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards