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Etiquette

Groomsman's HORRIBLE Girlfriend.

One of my FH's groomsmen is very close to both of us. It was a no brainer that he would be in our wedding party....until now. His live-in girlfriend (whom he had broken up with at the time of being asked) is a NIGHTMARE. She picks fights with his family (who will be there and are wonderful people), throws screaming fits, makes huge scenes in public, and will MAKE all attention be on her ALWAYS. Not to mention she is viciously mean to my FH's cousin (FH and I are very close with her) simply for being a female friend of the groomsman. How do we tell him that we would still love if he would be in our wedding, but there is no way we will allow her to come. My FH is in full agreement. This will also be far from the first time that someone has talked to him about his GFs terrible behavior. Had we known they would get back together, he wouldn't have been asked. What do we do?

Re: Groomsman's HORRIBLE Girlfriend.

  • In Response to Groomsman's HORRIBLE Girlfriend.:
    [QUOTE]One of my FH's groomsmen is very close to both of us. It was a no brainer that he would be in our wedding party....until now. His live-in girlfriend (whom he had broken up with at the time of being asked) is a NIGHTMARE. She picks fights with his family (who will be there and are wonderful people), throws screaming fits, makes huge scenes in public, and will MAKE all attention be on her ALWAYS.  How do we tell him that we would still love if he would be in our wedding, but there is no way we will allow her to come. My FH is in full agreement. This will also be far from the first time that someone has talked to him about his GFs terrible behavior. Had we known they would get back together, he wouldn't have been asked. What do we do?
    Posted by laurenNmatt2013[/QUOTE]

    You don't do anything.  It is extremely rude to invite one half of a couple and not the other half to a wedding.  It is even more rude that the couple you are talking about splitting includes a groomsman, who is spending extra time and money on your wedding.  It's also rude, and a friendship-ending move, to un-ask a member of the wedding party.

    If they are still together when invitations go out, you MUST invite her with him. You can hope they break up in the meantime.  You can also hire security and/or alert event management that she may cause a scene at the reception, and have her removed if that occurs.
  • She is an adult, I hope she would know how to behave at a wedding.  Do you think she would cause a scene at your wedding and embarrass herself in front of everybody?
  • Yes. We do. I swear to you that if we thought she would handle herself we wouldn't even be in this prediciment. I have personally witnessed her throw multiple fits (yes, actual screaming tantrums, complete with throwing utensils and other things) at restaurants, movie theaters, family events, you name it. If she is allowed to come, we will HAVE to have someone on duty to make sure she is removed at some point in the night and we feel that it would be best to just avoid the situation entirely. This isn't me being catty, or my FH disliking his buddy's girlfriend. She is truly awful. She even made her BF's mother cry at a party because she didn't like that BF was spending more time talking to his mother than to her. We havent started planning and the groomsman has had to put no work or effort into this event, nor has he made any attempt to contact us or his family since they got back together.
  • Honestly there's really nothing you can do. If you truly don't want to deal with her, don't have the GM be a GM. If you already asked, you've officially put yourself between a rock and a hard place. The only thing you can hope for is that they'll break up before the wedding. Just hire security and if she starts her tantrums just have her quickly escorted out. My FI has a really great friend who's BF is a total douchecanoe. He doesn't want to invite him to the wedding but he knows they are a package deal. You're just gonna have to suck it up.
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  • Also, we are not having a big wedding (about 75 people) and there will be no event staff or security to handle it, nor does it make more sense to us to hire security for our budget, family oriented wedding rather than hurt a few feelings. Rude as it may seem to unask him, doesn't it seem more rude to have to make wedding party members escort a guest out or keep an eye on her? Talk about a mood killer for the entire party. And believe me, any time there is a large gathering, that's when she's at her worst. She doesn't look at it as making a fool of herself. She looks at it as attention and a way to play the martyr
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  • BTW: I really like the term "douchcanoe" :)
  • See, if she's actually throwing objects in public temper tantrums, someone could get hurt.  That's reason enough not to invite her in my book (granted, I'm a bit more lenient with that than most people.)

    You have two choices.  Option one: tell your groomsman that you do not feel you and your guests (or your property, or the venue) will be safe around his girlfriend, and you will not be able to accomodate her.  If this is a long-running issue with multiple family members, he won't be surprised.  Option two: hire a bouncer, and brief him with her description and behavior, and instructions to escort her from the premises the minute she starts a scene.
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  • Is there ANY way at all that FI can talk to his buddy about the GF?  I mean, I normally wouldnt recommend that, but anything has got to be better than kicking him out of the wedding party.

    I don't understand why this guy is your and your fiance's friend if his girlfriend is truly a psychopath.  I mean, we all know good guys/girls who date some questionable people, but I'm side-eyeing this groomsman if this girl is really as bad as you say.

    If you want to end the friendship with the groomsman, then kick him out.  But you have to be ready to accept the consequences.

    I really would just stick it out and hope they break up before the big day.  I mean, you still have a good amount of time, right?

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  • Thank you!
    The question I was asking was basically the best way to go about this. Safety is both an issue I hadn't quite considered yet AND a way to make it sound like a slightly more objective issue than just bascially saying "we don't trust your girlfriend to behave and all your friends and family hate her."
  • In Response to Re: Groomsman's HORRIBLE Girlfriend.:
    [QUOTE]Is there ANY way at all that FI can talk to his buddy about the GF?  I mean, I normally wouldnt recommend that, but anything has got to be better than kicking him out of the wedding party. I don't understand why this guy is your and your fiance's friend if his girlfriend is truly a psychopath.  I mean, we all know good guys/girls who date some questionable people, but I'm side-eyeing this groomsman if this girl is really as bad as you say. If you want to end the friendship with the groomsman, then kick him out.  But you have to be ready to accept the consequences. I really would just stick it out and hope they break up before the big day.  I mean, you still have a good amount of time, right?
    Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]


    Yes, we do have some time. We have talked to him about her behavior and he'll give us 10 reasons why she's not as bad as she seems in public "she just gets really stressed out and doesn't know how to deal." His family has given up, because they don't want him to stop coming home. As to why he's still with her, who knows. I am a little concerned that something deeper is going on, but since he hasn't talked to us in months already, it's difficult to confront him about it.
  • If he hasn't talked to u in months how are you gonna figure he will be a groomsman. 

    I would question someone who let's his gf treat his mother that way. My fiance would never ever allow that, ever. He would have left me long ago, for good. 

    It is an etiquette board so i can not tell you to go against etiquette but as a safety issue i would have fiance talk to his friend. He will probably back out anyways once confronted. 
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  • Do you really want to look back on your wedding photos years from now and not see this friend as GM?  I doubt it. 

    Etiquette says that those in serious relationships, in particular, those who are living together be allowed a +1.  You would be a rude hostess to exclude this girl.  

    Granted, her behavior sounds diplorable.  However, you should not slight your GM.  Alert the venue as they should have staff (not designated security) that you may need assistance.  All they need to do is call law enforcement and have her removed.

    Do not mess up your friendship with the GM over her.

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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited January 2012
    In Response to Re: Groomsman's HORRIBLE Girlfriend.:
    [QUOTE]Thank you! The question I was asking was basically the best way to go about this. Safety is both an issue I hadn't quite considered yet AND a way to make it sound like a slightly more objective issue than just bascially saying "we don't trust your girlfriend to behave and all your friends and family hate her."
    Posted by laurenNmatt2013[/QUOTE]

    The thing is, a wedding is not the time to judge someone else's relationship.

    This is your FI's call. Does he want to end the friendship with his GM? As in never talk to him again? If so, uninvited the groomsmen to the wedding (but it is still a really witchy thing to do).

    But if the GM attends the wedding at all, she must be invited (if you don't invite her, I doubt he will attend). So your FI (without your influence) needs to decide if he ever wants to talk to his GM again.

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  • In Response to Re: Groomsman's HORRIBLE Girlfriend.:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groomsman's HORRIBLE Girlfriend. : Yes, we do have some time. We have talked to him about her behavior and he'll give us 10 reasons why she's not as bad as she seems in public "she just gets really stressed out and doesn't know how to deal." His family has given up, because they don't want him to stop coming home. As to why he's still with her, who knows. I am a little concerned that something deeper is going on, but since he hasn't talked to us in months already, it's difficult to confront him about it.
    Posted by laurenNmatt2013[/QUOTE]

    This is what I'd be concerned about.  Women can abuse their male partners, too, and it sounds like their relationship is pretty unhealthy, which is a concern separate from your wedding.  I'm just going off the info you're providing here, but if you agree based on the whole situation, I would seriously consider calling a DV hotline and talking to them about ways you can support your friend (or have your FI do this, it seems like the guy is mainly his friend?).  
    For your wedding, if they are still together, I wouldn't do anything to alienate him, and I would definitely invite her but talk to your venue about security.  It doesn't need to be a bouncer that is standing at the door during the whole event, just make sure someone at the venue is aware and is ready to escort her out and/or call the police.  The venue probably already has someone who is monitoring to make sure things don't get rowdy or there's no underage drinking, so just add this to their list. 

  • I know that it's rude to break up social units but I feel like in this situation it is justified (just like I wouldn't invite a child molester to my children-invited wedding just because he's dating a bridesmaid).  In my opinion safety trumps etiquette (and some of you will probably think I shouldn't be posting on this board).

    I would recommend that FI tell him that you both really care about him, but you are concerned that the GF will act the same way she has previously and unfortunately you CANNOT invite her.  Then FI should tell him that if he doesn't want to attend because his GF isn't invited, you will miss him.  I feel like this is the most gracious thing you can do, and hopefully it won't cause a rift in your friendship.

    ETA I just saw that your wedding isn't until June 2013.  Honestly I'm surprised you already started asking your WP.  I would wait to "uninvite" the girlfriend until about 6 months before the wedding because chances are they will have broken up again.  A lot can happen in 18 months.
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  • Your wedding is a year and a half away. You definitely should not have asked your WP already (and it sounds like you asked him awhile ago). You can't undo it now, but you did put yourself in this position by not waiting to ask.

    I don't think it's your right to judge someone else's relationship. If she is rude to GM's mom, that is their business. He must be OK with it or ignoring it if he is still with her, and it isn't your place to uninvite her because you don't like the dynamics of their relationship. Just like if someone disagreed with people living together before marriage, I would have been furious if they would have not invited either H or I before we were married. I don't think weddings in particular are places to pass judgments on relationships.

    I would be considered about his well-being if you think she is abusive to him and THAT is what I would have FI discuss with him. Keep the wedding out of it completely! You need to be a friend to him first. Find out how he is doing, why he's been MIA from your lives for so long. I honestly wouldn't even bring up the wedding again for like a year. That would still give you six months to go get tuxes, etc., which is more than enough time. Right now just focus on making sure he is OK and showing him friendship.
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  • In Response to Re: Groomsman's HORRIBLE Girlfriend.:
    [QUOTE]I know that it's rude to break up social units but I feel like in this situation it is justified (just like I wouldn't invite a child molester to my children-invited wedding just because he's dating a bridesmaid).  In my opinion safety trumps etiquette (and some of you will probably think I shouldn't be posting on this board). I would recommend that FI tell him that you both really care about him, but you are concerned that the GF will act the same way she has previously and unfortunately you CANNOT invite her.  Then FI should tell him that if he doesn't want to attend because his GF isn't invited, you will miss him.  I feel like this is the most gracious thing you can do, and hopefully it won't cause a rift in your friendship. ETA I just saw that your wedding isn't until June 2013.  Honestly I'm surprised you already started asking your WP.  I would wait to "uninvite" the girlfriend until about 6 months before the wedding because chances are they will have broken up again.  A lot can happen in 18 months.
    Posted by lenergyrlah[/QUOTE]

    OP just said this girl throws temper tantrums. While yes, she mentioned that she throws things, I wouldn't really call this a safety issues (especially not in the same breathe with child molester).

    If the GM's girlfriend throws a fit, I'm sure someone (possibly owner of the venue) will ask her to leave. I'm sure if she is throwing things, her boyfriend and/or other will remove her.

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  • Wow, she seems like a peach, what on earth does he see in her?
    You have a lot of time, maybe it will work itself out.  Maybe he'll decide he'd rather be up her @$$ 24/7 than be in your wedding, it could happen.  Give it time.  My wedding is also in June 2013, and while I have a good idea of who will be in my WP, we don't have any plans to officially approach anyone until September-ish. 
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  • One other thought - if this really is a domestic violence situation, not inviting her is going to cause a lot more problems for him at home than inviting her, if they're living togoether at the time invitations go out.  If she's perfectly comfortable screaming, making people cry, and throwing things in public, I'm afraid to think of what she'd be willing to do in the privacy of her own home.
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  • In Response to Re: Groomsman's HORRIBLE Girlfriend.:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groomsman's HORRIBLE Girlfriend. : OP just said this girl throws temper tantrums. While yes, she mentioned that she throws things, I wouldn't really call this a safety issues (especially not in the same breathe with child molester). If the GM's girlfriend throws a fit, I'm sure someone (possibly owner of the venue) will ask her to leave. I'm sure if she is throwing things, her boyfriend and/or other will remove her.
    Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

    OP said "she throws utensils and other things."  I would definitely call someone who is likely to pick up a knife and throw it "safety issues."  You or I might be able to dodge a flying utensil, but elderly people / children can't.
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  • If your wedding is so far away, I would not do anything yet.  I would hope they break up again.  I would also check to see that he is OK in the meantime.

    But if they aren't, and he is a groomsman, then you are stuck.  I hardly call tantrums a safety issue.  Even if she is throwing things, it seems you could stop her before it got to that point. 

    The reason that etiquette dictates that you keep them together is because you do not want to make your friend feel bad and if you do feel comfortable talking to him, do.  But I would not say that you simply will not allow her at the wedding.  That is basically tell him that it is more important to you that she not be there than it is for him to be there.  I would suck it up and invite her anyway.  If she gets out of line, have a family member at the ready to escort her out.  Honestly is this more important than your friendship with your friend?  You said you and your FI are both close to him.  I would not hurt that friendship over a girlfriend that might just go away on her own.
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  • edited January 2012

    I agree that Etiquette says you must invite her BUT have you told your friend (groomsmen) your feelings about her? If you all are truly good friends there is nothing wrong with telling him your concerns.


    I had an EX once that did not feel comfortable around gay people. A friend of mine was gay and knew my ex at that time felt that way. He invited both of us to his B-day party and he told me how he felt. As a friend I wanted the birthday boy to feel comfortable. I choose to not bring my Ex, plus my ex didn't want to go. You might be surprise that the groomsmen may want to keep her at home after hearing your concerns.

    And if she does come, I agree to have someone on stand by to escort her out.

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  • Entropic, were you throwing utensils and being a brat? Totally different scenario.

    Best of luck, OP. I am so thankful my venue provides a security detail and will put people on 'one strike' alert.
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  • staceycainestaceycaine member
    100 Comments
    edited January 2012
    In Response to Re: Groomsman's HORRIBLE Girlfriend.:
    [QUOTE]Yes. We do. I swear to you that if we thought she would handle herself we wouldn't even be in this prediciment. I have personally witnessed her throw multiple fits (yes, actual screaming tantrums, complete with throwing utensils and other things) at restaurants, movie theaters, family events, you name it. If she is allowed to come, we will HAVE to have someone on duty to make sure she is removed at some point in the night and we feel that it would be best to just avoid the situation entirely. This isn't me being catty, or my FH disliking his buddy's girlfriend. She is truly awful. She even made her BF's mother cry at a party because she didn't like that BF was spending more time talking to his mother than to her. We havent started planning and the groomsman has had to put no work or effort into this event, nor has he made any attempt to contact us or his family since they got back together.
    Posted by laurenNmatt2013[/QUOTE]

    This would be because it's not his wedding.
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  • That sucks. I'm sorry this poor friend has to deal with that kind of insanity, and that you do as well.

    If he is as close a friend as you indicate, and he's been spoken to about the lunatic gf before, just let him know that she needs to behave herself or she will be ejected/police called (whatever the severity of her tantrum warrants, if it occurs). I wouldn't have this conversation until near the time that the invites are going out (just in case *fingers crossed*).

    If the rest of the BP knows she's nuts and doesn't like her, they'll all be on alert. If she gets violent, the police should be immediately called. If she's causing a ruckus that sn't criminal, the venue staff can always eject her as well. Also, if your parents are hosting, they can deal with her. Either way, I'm sure there is someone who would be happy to "take out the trash" if need be.

    It's poor etiquette to exclude his girlfriend. But being a bad guest is equally poor etiquette. 
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