Wedding Etiquette Forum

I know it's not "MY DAY" but...

Okay so I think I'm the right in this situation, but I know you guys will have no problem kicking the shiiiiiit out of me if I'm being a cray cray.  

Got a budget from all my BMs.  The dress I loved was over one of their budgets, so I sent the BM a private e-mail saying I would pay for the difference.  She e-mailed me back and said she thought I asked their budgets for a reason and that it was totally innapropriate and zilla-ish of me to go over budget.  I reiterated that I would pay the price difference.  She told me that her top price was a strench anyway and she thought that I would respect the top number was a strech and do something more middle of the line.  What I resisted telling her was that her budget was a full $100 lower than the next BM.  She told me that if I insist on the dresses I can't ask her to lie to the other BMs about paying for the price difference.  WTF am I supposed to do with this situation?   Pay that difference for all of them?  Just scrap it and pick a different dress?  








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Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...

  • If you ask the budget, you shouldn't go over it. Sounds like she's trying to be able to participate, but is worried about the finances. Clearly, she inflated what her cost was and now that she's told you, you should try to respect that.
  • Either pick a cheaper dress, or pay the difference for everyone.

  • edited April 2012

    I can't know for sure, but she might have been embarrassed that you offered to pay the remaining cost. It's easy for it to come out the wrong way: "The amount you wanted to pay wasn't good enough so I paid for it." Does that make sense?

    Also, why would it come up what the other girls paid? It's not like bridesmaids sit around asking each other if the bride pitched in for their dress... If it did come up though, it could hurt the feelings of the other girls.

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  • Pick a new dress, since she's clearly very uncomfortable with the too-expensive one.  Not for nothing, if you post a pic of the dress you like in a thread over on Attire & Accessories along with the BM's budget, the ladies there can probably point you to similar dresses that all of your BMs can afford without too much trouble.  They're geniuses on that board with that kind of thing.
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  • I think she's being difficult, but I also think you should just pick a new dress.  Maybe post it here and people can try to find you a similar look for less money?  We're helpful shoppers. 
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  • I think I would be embarrassed if my budget was considerably lower than everyone elses and the bride was only paying for part of mine. It makes me feel like a child when people offer to pay for me if I don't have the money for something. Even though I'm sure it was just a nice gesture on your part. I think you should stick with the budget you got from everybody and just pick a new dress.
  • edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:6ca01d74-28d8-4447-b373-1e56f0a6dca8">I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay so I think I'm the right in this situation, but I know you guys will have no problem kicking the shiiiiiit out of me if I'm being a cray cray.   Got a budget from all my BMs.  The dress I loved was over one of their budgets, so I sent the BM a private e-mail saying I would pay for the difference.  She e-mailed me back and said she thought I asked their budgets for a reason and that it was totally innapropriate and zilla-ish of me to go over budget.  I reiterated that I would pay the price difference.  She told me that her top price was a strench anyway and she thought that I would respect the top number was a strech and do something more middle of the line. <strong> What I resisted telling her was that her budget was a full $100 lower than the next BM</strong>.  She told me that if I insist on the dresses I can't ask her to lie to the other BMs about paying for the price difference.  WTF am I supposed to do with this situation?   Pay that difference for all of them?  Just scrap it and pick a different dress? 
    Posted by smileye90[/QUOTE]

    This really doesn't matter. You asked a budget and you've gone over. It doesn't matter if that's over one bridesmaid's budget or all. You should have respected that
  • I'd pick a dress everyone can afford.
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  • Speaking from experience, it is embarrassing to be the person who has to speak up and tell a friend that you can't afford something, and you need someone else to pick up the extra.  You are being generous by saying you'll pay the difference; however, please think of your friend and that it was probably embarrassing and difficult for her to admit that she couldn't afford the dress.

    You asked for their budgets, you should respect what they said.
    image

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:e4c4354b-4aaf-44d2-9a3a-2acfb38f19bc">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can't know for sure, but she might have been embarrassed that you offered to pay the remaining cost. It's easy for it to come out the wrong way: "The amount you wanted to pay wasn't good enough so I paid for it." Does that make sense? Also, why would it come up what the other girls paid? It's not like bridesmaids sit around asking each other if the bride pitched in for their dress... If it did come up though, it could hurt the feelings of the other girls.
    Posted by AriesAngel86[/QUOTE]

    <div>Fair question.  Here's the e-mail I sent her.</div><div>
    </div><div>"Dear BM,</div><div>
    </div><div>I just sent an e-mail to everyone with the DM dress.  It's a little above the budget you set for me, but I will be more than happy to pay the different between your budget at the cost.  Should I just send you a check or give you cash on Friday at dinner?  Can't wait!!</div><div>
    </div><div>Eileen"</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>To answer the other question, I don't necessarily think it would come up in conversation, but the way she said it it was almost like she'll intentialnally bring it up to get people upset.  I asked her if the issue was that she didn't like the dress, and she said no.  I offered to pay more than the difference so she would have less out of pocket, but she said that wasn't the point.  </div>
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    anyone else curious what her budget was?   

    A full hundred dollars can mean a lot.  If her budget was $30, then I think it might be hard for the bride to pick out a dress.   It sucks to be the poor one of the group, but sometimes you have to be a little realistic also.  She should suck up her pride and just take the bride up on her offer. 

    If her budget was $100 then it should not be an issue.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I think she was probably embarrassed even though you had good intentions.  Apologize to her and let her know that you didn't realize that the original budget she gave you was a stretch and that you hope that next time she can feel comfortable being completely  honest with you.  Then pick a dress that works for everyone's budget.  And I know what I may say next may get me in trouble but is her budget reasonable????  I'm not saying the dress has to be hundreds of dollars but bridesmaids dresses are not usually cheap so I hope your BM is at least being reasonable.
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  • I agree with PPs. Can you show us the dress?  I bet we can help you find a similar one for cheaper!
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:8bc0fd20-bcd2-48d6-92c0-9f2d16c21d03">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but... : Fair question.  Here's the e-mail I sent her. "Dear BM, I just sent an e-mail to everyone with the DM dress.  It's a little above the budget you set for me, but I will be more than happy to pay the different between your budget at the cost.  Should I just send you a check or give you cash on Friday at dinner?  Can't wait!! Eileen" To answer the other question, I don't necessarily think it would come up in conversation, but the way she said it it was almost like she'll intentialnally bring it up to get people upset.  I asked her if the issue was that she didn't like the dress, and she said no.  I offered to pay more than the difference so she would have less out of pocket, but she said that wasn't the point.  
    Posted by smileye90[/QUOTE]

    Like Bay said above, it's not fun to have to be the person who can't afford something other can. Even if no one else found out, you 2 would know. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with you paying the extra amount for me b/c I couldn't afford it and everyone can. Maybe she's the same way.

    The PPs above had a good suggestion of posting a picture or the link on the attire and accessories board and folks can maybe help you find the dresses cheaper or something similar.

    Is it worth hurting a friend over a dress?
  • I am also wondering what her budget is! 
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  • Yeah, OP, I'm sure she figured out that you were ONLY doing this FOR HER because her budget wasn't high enough, based on what you wrote there. If you had said "I'm paying X amount towards everyone's dress. Let me know how you want the money" then it's a lot smoother.

    And I agree with her, it's not the point of you paying or paying extra. That's just more salt in the wound. The fact is, you asked, she answered, you HAVE to respect that. Weddings are fecking expensive for everyone involved. You should never make someone feel like their contribution isn't enough. That is the height of bad etiquette.
  • In reference to the other bm's finding out. How does she know that you're not paying the difference for others. That's a weird statement for her to make. She doesn't know their budgets either or what emails you sent to them. But, look for other dresses similar and see what you can find.
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  • Yeah - you should have stuck in everyone's budgets. Give us a price and show us the dress, we'll find you a cheaper one.
  • So lets say I scrap this and do a new dress.  I sent the link to this to everyone a week ago.  Do I send an e-mail and say "nevermind I'm scrapping this!"  and then update when I find something cheaper?  What if someone has already ordered it, do I reimburse them?  

    Her budget was $80. The other BM said anything between $200 and $250.  Here's the dress:


  • Is $80 supposed to cover alterations too?
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:67a1ad62-2f55-4087-a9ad-1d9df2cc3fe7">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Is $80 supposed to cover alterations too?
    Posted by brilibby4[/QUOTE]

    <div>I don't think she was planning on doing alterations.  I've gotten away with never doing them for weddings either so I think that's fair. </div>
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Well $80 is not too bad.  Although I think that is kind of on the lower end of what is reasonable.  Not out of the question, just harder to find something that works for everyone.  Finding something 'mid-range' of her budget would be hard IMO.

    Which brings me to this, why don't find a designer that you can just tell the girls to pick a certain fabric and color and let them choose themselves?






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • http://www.davidsbridal.com/Product_One-Shoulder-Satin-Dress-with-Pleated-Bodice-F44358_Bridal-Party-Bridesmaids-Dresses-Under-$100

    This one looks much lighter online; it's more of a navy, just this side of black. And it's on sale for ~ $60.
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  • This one is similar and only $60 but the sizes are limited.
    image
  • I have a friend who's had some money troubles, so I frequently offered to pay for things, nothing major but like if he didn't have the money for dinner, I'd just pay so we could go out.  Finally he  said to me, "I know you're trying to be nice, but I want to be able to pay for my own stuff.  I'm a grown up and if I can't afford something, I don't want it..."  I realized that even though I had good intentions, it was still coming off badly to him, and making him uncomfortable.  I've been on the other side as well, and had friends offer to pay for things I couldn't afford, and it doesn't feel good.
    Maybe it's a similiar situation.  She provided a budget and wants you to pick a dress that she can afford, not pay the different and make her feel bad about herself.   I know you were trying to be nice, but money is such a touchy subject and it's easy to give the wrong message.
    I'm sure you can find something lovely in her price range!
  • Thank you! I think there are some really good ones in here for me to choose from.  But no one answered my other question.  How do I go about informing everyone of the change?  Some may have already bought the dress.  They can be returned, but that's a pain for people, plus the cost of shipping.  Do I reimburse them for shipping?  Offer to pick up the dresses from people and return it myself?  
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    $35 at JC Penny!  link
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:45f753b4-1c40-4e89-8065-30c9f0660612">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you! I think there are some really good ones in here for me to choose from.  But no one answered my other question.  How do I go about informing everyone of the change?  Some may have already bought the dress.  They can be returned, but that's a pain for people, plus the cost of shipping.  Do I reimburse them for shipping?  Offer to pick up the dresses from people and return it myself?  
    Posted by smileye90[/QUOTE]

    Let them know there has been a change. No need to make a big deal of it
    Nordstrom has a good return policy, so they shouldn't have a problem.
    I would make sure that the dress picked fits everyone's budget before suggesting people order.
    I agree with others that $80 is on the lower end of the bridesmaids dress budget, but people posted some very nice alternatives.
  • Tons of ideas here:

    http://www.theknot.com/bridesmaid-dress/gallery?neckline=one-shoulder&price%20range=$

    I think you should let them know you have changed your mind.  Don't worry about dealing with the aftermath until its time.  You might be worrying for nothing...maybe no one has purchased theirs yet.
    image
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