Does money = guests?

LizzyRB

My parents split over 20 years ago. Now that I am getting married they are both generously chipping in to pay for my wedding. Fi and I wanted to keep the wedding on the smaller side so we can spend time with the people we are really close to. We asked all of our parents 3 months ago who was on their "must have" list to be invited. We took their must haves and combined them with ours to make sure we were under 100 people. We trimmed some of our coworkers and friends we hadn't seen in years to keep us under 100 people. I asked my mom and fi's mom if we could remove a few of their folks to stay in our range and they both agreed it was fine. Also note when we hit 101 people, our venue rental price goes up $1000.

Last night I get a text from my step mom: "Have you determined how many will be seated a table?"
Me: "No idea. I would imagine 10 but we haven't gotten that far yet."
Her: "K we would like to have one table for friends. If that puts you over your count your dad and I will take care of it. We decided we would like to share the day with some of our friends. K?"
Me: "That puts me in a hard spot. I told my mom and Mike's mom they could not invite anyone other than family due to our space restraints. Also it's an extra $1000 plus food and drink cost if we go over 100 people. Let's talk about it in person next time we are together"
Her "Your dad is with me. We will cover that cost too."

My initial response was irritation. Not only do I wish these people would have come up when I asked for a count three months ago so we could start planning, I wish my DAD would have talked to me about this, instead of my stepmom sending me a text message. Also they want TEN people? That is 10% of my guests list. 10% of the people at our wedding that we don't even know. Rant over

After I've had a day to get over my grumpiness, I am trying to think about this rationally. How do I handle this? Because he is paying for half of the wedding and offering to cover the extra rental and food/drink fees is he allowed to invite anyone he wants? If he invites ten friends do I need to let my mom invite the friends she took off her list when we asked her to since she is paying the other half? I want to be respectful of my dad's wishes but I am afraid I am going to offend my mom and fi's mom if my dad shows up with his own posse.

Spunky414

I'd decline the extra money for extra guests, and say that it's in the interest of keeping things fair for your mom's side and your FI's side. 

ameliakwatson

Oh wow. Okay one, she is your step mother. Not like it's your mother who wants to share how proud she is of you with her friends, but it's your step mother. She does not need to spend this day with her friends, she needs to spend it with you and YOUR loved ones. If I were you, I'd keep my foot down! It's not about the money, it's about YOU and your Fiance! Don't compromise, you don't have to. Even though they are paying, they should not feel entitled to make you feel offended or uncomfortable. 

Simply Fated

The problem with giving excuses like money and space is that it opens up discussion. Same thing with giving a maximum head count. Brides come here all the time saying things like, "X people RSVPd no and now my stepmom (or who ever) wants to fill those spots with her friends!"
Close the discussion by saying something like, "I appreciate you offering to help by putting in more money, but we decided not to add more guests to our list."

JaxInBlue

As someone who's been where you are, I completely understand you desire to keep things fair between all of the families involved.  It was difficult for me to tell my dad he couldn't invite his friends (he wasn't contributing though, which made it easier) and to remind him my mom and ILs had limited their lists as well.

I think, knowing you will have this conversation with your dad and stepmom, you might want to mention it to your mom and ILs.  Something along the lines of "Dad and Stepmom have offered to cover the costs of adding X more guests so they can invite their friends."  Then, I'd be prepared to either offer for you and FI to cover the same number of guests for mom and ILs (provided you have the space in your venue) or to ask them honestly if they would mind dad and stepmom having "extra" friends there.

I wouldn't ask them upfront to pay the same to add on people; your mom and ILs might volunteer that though.  At the same time, if they would be uncomfortable, your dad needs to know that too since this isn't an event he is hosting or paying for alone.  There may be a compromise that can be reached- maybe instead of each set of parents getting 5 couples, each gets two or three.

If you are truly uncomfortable with growth in your guest list, you can absolutely decline the money - but you may be declining more than the extra so you need to be prepared for that.  From your planner, I take it you have some time to sort this out so I hope that in talking with everyone involved and looking at the costs involved, you can reach a decision you are comfortable with.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_does-money-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fad51d0-040f-4b44-9b56-12d6e39b3adfPost:22e9ea16-f4d0-4e2f-9293-4e5a9b18ba72">Re: Does money = guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh wow. Okay one, she is your step mother. <strong>Not like it's your mother who wants to share how proud she is of you with her friends, but it's your step mother. She does not need to spend this day with her friends, she needs to spend it with you and YOUR loved ones.</strong> If I were you, I'd keep my foot down! It's not about the money, it's about YOU and your Fiance! Don't compromise, you don't have to. Even though they are paying, they should not feel entitled to make you feel offended or uncomfortable. 
Posted by ameliakwatson[/QUOTE]

Yeah, they're dad's friends too.

I would sit down and have a talk about it with your dad, but if their money came with strings attached (even if you didn't know about them earlier), you might really only be left with two options: Invite these guests or turn down the money. I hope he'll end up being more concillatory than that, but that kind of control is exactly what you lose when others are paying for your wedding. Best of luck!

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_does-money-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fad51d0-040f-4b44-9b56-12d6e39b3adfPost:b836e50b-05e5-42f9-9649-67e597acd171">Re: Does money = guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]As someone who's been where you are, I completely understand you desire to keep things fair between all of the families involved.  It was difficult for me to tell my dad he couldn't invite his friends (he wasn't contributing though, which made it easier) and to remind him my mom and ILs had limited their lists as well. I think, knowing you will have this conversation with your dad and stepmom, you might want to mention it to your mom and ILs.  Something along the lines of "Dad and Stepmom have offered to cover the costs of adding X more guests so they can invite their friends."  Then, I'd be prepared to either offer for you and FI to cover the same number of guests for mom and ILs (provided you have the space in your venue) or to ask them honestly if they would mind dad and stepmom having "extra" friends there. I wouldn't ask them upfront to pay the same to add on people; your mom and ILs might volunteer that though.  At the same time, if they would be uncomfortable, your dad needs to know that too since this isn't an event he is hosting or paying for alone.  There may be a compromise that can be reached- maybe instead of each set of parents getting 5 couples, each gets two or three. If you are truly uncomfortable with growth in your guest list, you can absolutely decline the money - but you may be declining more than the extra so you need to be prepared for that.  From your planner, I take it you have some time to sort this out so I hope that in talking with everyone involved and looking at the costs involved, you can reach a decision you are comfortable with.
Posted by JaclyneD[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't like this advice. Bringing everyone else into the discussion is a bad idea, IMO. Bad, bad idea. Keep this between you and dad.

</div>

runpipparun

In Response to Re:Does money guests?:[QUOTE]I would just say you double checked, and it is not possible at this time.nbsp;nbsp; Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

No. Do not say this.

1 It's a lie, and it's vague. It invites questions. "Double checked what? With whom? Maybe I can talk to somebody."

2 "At this time" implies that it might be possible to tomorrow or the day after or at another time.

angryangry

I wouldn't just make it about your mom and FMIL's friends not being invited, but also your own. Point out that in order to have the small wedding that you would actually enjoy, you weren't able to invite many of your own friends (if that's true). That might mean more to dad than FMIL's friends. 

willywally5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_does-money-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fad51d0-040f-4b44-9b56-12d6e39b3adfPost:22e9ea16-f4d0-4e2f-9293-4e5a9b18ba72">Re: Does money = guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh wow. <strong>Okay one, she is your step mother. Not like it's your mother who wants to share how proud she is of you with her friends, but it's your step mother. She does not need to spend this day with her friends, she needs to spend it with you and YOUR loved ones. </strong>If I were you, I'd keep my foot down! It's not about the money, it's about YOU and your Fiance! Don't compromise, you don't have to. Even though they are paying, they should not feel entitled to make you feel offended or uncomfortable. 
Posted by ameliakwatson[/QUOTE]

<div>As a stepmother, I find this really offensive. I have raised my DD since she was nine years old after my husband had largely raised her by himself up until that point.  I have had a huge hand in her upbringing and love her no differently than my biological children. And I do want to share how proud we are of her with friends and family. </div><div>
</div><div>That said, I think it's silly to invite people who the bride and groom don't know.</div><div>
</div><div>If this is truly a family-only wedding and everyone has cut friends from their lists, I think it is fine to tell them no table of friends. It isn't fair to the other parents or the bride and groom who have cut their lists. </div><div>
</div><div>I don't think it really matters who is making the request. If it's an intimate family gathering, keep it as such. If you'd have rather discussed with your dad because you aren't close to or comfortable with your stepmother, that is totally understandable. Not everyone's step relationship is the same. </div><div>
</div><div>But to negate the request, as PP insinuated, simply because it was made by a step parent seems a bit shortsighted and insensitive to me. (Although I don't believe the OP suggested this, just the PP who advised her in the quoted text above.)</div><div>
</div><div>(Edited to be a little less ranty!)</div><div>
</div>

Knittibell

I would sit down with them and say it's really not about money, but that you and fi have REALLY strong feelings about keeping things very small and intimate. So much so, that the two of you carefully trimmed your guest lists and did not invite friends of yours so that the parents could each invite the people most important to them. Because of this, and because you made this decision months ago, and got the numbers from your mom and fi's family, you're going to have to insist that they please keep to the original numbers alloted, and just invite the people they are closest to. Stress again that it would be one thing if you were having an enormous wedding, but that you're not, because it's NOT what you want, and you're very thankful, because you know they'll understand.

Then be prepared if they pull some cash. I don't *think* they will, but you never know. But I say stick to your guns, and just be honest about why you are keeping the lists small. It's nice to have a small wedding, and I totally understand why this is important to you.