Arggggg so frustrated. Future mother in law making things hard.

foreverandalways0605

Oh where to start!!!
First some background....
My finace's mother and I hit it off when we first met .... or so I thought. Since we got engaged I have not heard from her. My fiance confronted her on ignoring me and all of my emails to her and she said she didn't realize she was doing it. She sent me one email saying she was sorry, but since then she is back to ignoring me and all of my emails.
The real problem is this ..... she has had a life long best friend that is like an aunt to my fiance. About a year ago, her and the "aunt" had a falling out and now she refuses to talk to the "aunt" (Let's call her Molly).
Molly has opened her arms and her heart to me. She was the first person to send us wedding gifts, handmade me a necklace to wear at our wedding and has always been there to talk with me and make me feel welcomed and loved.
We want so badly for her to be at the wedding but we know that if we invite her, my fiance's mom will be so mad. "Molly" knows this too and becuase of it has said that we do not have to invite her and that she understands.
I think it is BS that we feel we cannot invite who we want to the wedding.
What do we do?
Advice?
Please and thank you in advance!

squirrly

Who is paying for the wedding?  Has your FI talked to his mom about this?  

nda_roxybabe

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_arggggg-frustrated-future-mother-law-making-things-hard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:40d13afe-5246-474b-8a17-1b736c477c13Post:1b1b8108-2d92-4135-a3ab-8454670a5464">Arggggg so frustrated. Future mother in law making things hard.</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh where to start!!! First some background.... My finace's mother and I hit it off when we first met .... or so I thought. Since we got engaged I have not heard from her. My fiance confronted her on ignoring me and all of my emails to her and she said she didn't realize she was doing it. She sent me one email saying she was sorry, but since then she is back to ignoring me and all of my emails. The real problem is this ..... she has had a life long best friend that is like an aunt to my fiance. About a year ago, her and the "aunt" had a falling out and now she refuses to talk to the "aunt" (Let's call her Molly). Molly has opened her arms and her heart to me. She was the first person to send us wedding gifts, handmade me a necklace to wear at our wedding and has always been there to talk with me and make me feel welcomed and loved. We want so badly for her to be at the wedding but we know that if we invite her, my fiance's mom will be so mad. "Molly" knows this too and becuase of it has said that we do not have to invite her and that she understands. I think it is BS that we feel we cannot invite who we want to the wedding. What do we do? Advice? Please and thank you in advance!
Posted by foreverandalways0605[/QUOTE]
Are you paying for the wedding? If so, I'd invite her.

btrflykate1230

I, personally, would not invite her, especially since it would make waves for someone I would have personal ties to for the rest of my life and considering that Molly said it was okay if she wasn't invited. If you think long-term, you might also have a "falling out" with Molly yourself, but will be tied to FMIL forever, based on marrying your FI.

I would maybe take Molly out to dinner instead, after your wedding, for all of her support.

andy71781

If your FMIL isn't paying, then IMOP she doesn't get a say.  She sounds like she's not being helpful at all and I think you should tell her to suck it.  Would your FH stand up to his mom though?

ohwhynot

I'd invite Molly and if she feels she'd be uncomfortable at the wedding, she can decline.  Hopefully she and your fmil can behave civilly at your wedding - just seat Aunt Molly a fair distance from her former friend. 

sarah0725

Why are you sending your FMIL so many emails? Obviously, it seems she's not all that great with that form of communication.

As for Molly, FI should probably talk to his mom and see how she feels. Maybe there's a way they can patch things up.

weddingbells2010

It's easy for people to say "if you're paying, invite her", but the truth is that just doesn't matter when family dynamics/politics are involved.  My FI and I are paying for 95% of our wedding.  My mom is helping out with my dress and accessories, and his parents are paying for the limos. There is ALWAYS an issue with the invite list- for example, we got a couple who declined (one of my dad's friends), and he now thinks he can move on to his B-list and invite another friend.  I explained that WE, too, have a long B-list and are waiting to see if we can invite some colleagues based on the number of people who decline, but he thinks it's a "one for one" kind of thing and is fighting us on it.  He's going to wind up inviting people by word of mouth without a formal invite or talking to us if we push enough, so truthfully he'll probably get his way to prevent a disaster.

Doesn't matter who's paying- family dynamics will always dictate the decisions you make in a situation like this.  Even though she's wrong and it's your wedding, inviting the aunt will be a mistake.

stillundecided4

I think this decision depends on your family dynamics. If you FMIL really hates this woman, I would probably avoid inviting her. But, I also feel like adults should be adults and get along together for the sake of you and FI. It's your day not your FMIL.

Calypso1977

i would invite her.

and i disagree with weddingbells.  if you are paying for your own wedding, then your parents and your FILs shouldnt have had lists of poeple they want there.  its not their wedding, nor is it their dime.   they should have had no say in the guest list.

Victoriatx

you dont need extra stress on you wedding day, if you really want Molly there tell her but the decision has to be hers, hopefully if she does plan on attending and you can have a talk with you MIL to keep it civil. GOOD LUCK!