Wedding Etiquette Forum
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So are DW rude to guests?

Yes? No?

Does it depend on knowing your crowd?

Re: So are DW rude to guests?

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-rude-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:41d0d7f5-0c09-4242-a767-49830243339fPost:a5c68a00-0cea-4545-8fd5-17b17590624a">Re: So are DW rude to guests?</a>:
    [QUOTE]However since most guests have to travel for wedding anyway, whether it be 5 minutes or 5 hour on a plane, and very often hotel rooms are involved in most weddings, doesn't this question lead to the question: <strong>Is having a wedding in general rude?</strong>
    Posted by RogueQueen[/QUOTE]

    YOU JUST BLEW MY MIND.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-rude-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:41d0d7f5-0c09-4242-a767-49830243339fPost:17d9714f-3bc6-49fb-867b-bc51ca096f2d">Re: So are DW rude to guests?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a friend that got married in Vienna and then had a full blown reception afterwards.  She hated it, said it was the biggest waste of time and money.  She pretty much felt the same way as Daff et al, but their families through the biggest fit about not doing a reception. We're just going to do a pig roast <strong>open house</strong> at our home the weekend afterwards.
    Posted by mocha beans[/QUOTE]

    There, that's the term I was looking for.  An open house.  I totally wouldn't mind going to an open house after a DW just to greet the new couple and mingle and party. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-rude-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:41d0d7f5-0c09-4242-a767-49830243339fPost:a5c68a00-0cea-4545-8fd5-17b17590624a">Re: So are DW rude to guests?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I do not think it is rude to have your wedding wherever you want to have it. however just be aware that depending on where you choose to have it you may not have guests. However since most guests have to travel for wedding anyway, whether it be 5 minutes or 5 hour on a plane, and very often hotel rooms are involved in most weddings, doesn't this question lead to the question: Is having a wedding in general rude?
    Posted by RogueQueen[/QUOTE]

    I would've eloped if I could've, but H's parents weren't happy about that suggestion so I did what I could.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-rude-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:41d0d7f5-0c09-4242-a767-49830243339fPost:15713197-2970-46b6-b4cc-198ef3f8a21b">Re: So are DW rude to guests?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So are DW rude to guests? : YOU JUST BLEW MY MIND.
    Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]

    SHUT THE KNOT DOWN!!!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-rude-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:41d0d7f5-0c09-4242-a767-49830243339fPost:ef5f6051-4d6b-4320-a177-08e250fa9df9">Re: So are DW rude to guests?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So are DW rude to guests? : I'll take this one step more and say that if you do decide to have a DW, that is your choice and stick with it. I think it is absolutely ridiculous to expect to have another wedding reception when you return home. If you wanted every one to attend, you should have done that instead of the DW.
    Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]
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    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dw-rude-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:41d0d7f5-0c09-4242-a767-49830243339fPost:d14229a4-7b51-4cef-9eb2-264dae96b9b0">Re: So are DW rude to guests?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: So are DW rude to guests? : SHUT THE KNOT DOWN!!!
    Posted by MeaghanandMichael[/QUOTE]
    BACK THE TRUCK UP!!!BBQ
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    I'm ok with the AHR if I was invited to the wedding and couldn't attend.  I'm not ok with it if I wasn't invited to the ceremony part at all. 

    I have a friend from really, really rural area in IL.  She had a DW because she couldn't find anywhere at all to have a reception that wasn't either St. Louis or Louisville.  She had an AHR at the KC hall in town and it was VERY casual.  She didn't mind the hall being so not weddingy since it wasn't the actual wedding.

    They also had separate AHRs in each of their hometowns.  Which were several hours away from most of their friends, so it required an overnight stay at the Super8 Motel, too. 
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
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    I don't think it's rude, but if a couple knows that their guests are limitied financially and still choose to get married in Tahiti, I think it sends the message that the wedding location is more important than the guests' presence or comfort. Don't we usually tell people not to do that? I don't see how it's different than having a black tie wedding when you know your guests don't already own tuxes and ball gowns.

    So, I don't think it's wrong or necessarily rude, but unless you know that everybody you really want there can easily afford to swing it, I wouldn't do it.
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    FI and I have lived in DC for 6 years and are having our wedding here. Most of our friends are here and will not have to travel, however my family is all on the west coast, and his is all in the south, so both families will have to travel.

    Like PP said, it's virtually impossible these days to have a wedding location where NO ONE has to travel unless you are fortunate to both be from the same town and still live there.  That said, I would never have a true DW wedding, but I don't judge those who do.  If I can't afford to go, I can't afford to go.
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    I agree with PPs that DW aren't rude since you are never required to attend.  It's an invitation to witness and celebrate, not a court summons.  I think part of the reason some people consider it rude is the presumption that a DW invitation is a dressed-up gift request.

     We are having a DW, but as we live in AK, and our family and many friends are everywhere else but here, we picked a spot near the middle (LV).  Everyone is traveling, but it would have been far worse/expensive trying to get everyone to our town.  Individual circumstances matter a lot to this kind of discussion.
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    I generally tend to frown on DWs.  Particularly ones that are in really exotic or out of the way places.  I'm fine if you have your wedding in one state, but many of your guests are OOT.  But I think when people choose to get married in Hawaii or Mexico or some other location that they don't have a really connection to (other than thinking it is pretty) that it is rude to guests.

    Basically you're transferring a lot of the burden of wedding expenses onto your guests.  It may be less expensive for the B&G, since they don't have to host a lot of guests, but it gets pretty expensive for the guests.  I know that your guests don't have to choose to come, but you're basically telling them, "I know it's going to be really expensive to come to my wedding, but if you are really a good friend or family member you would come anyway."

    Also, someone mentioned that the wedding is all about the B&G and what they want.  I know that wedding is the B&G's day, but I do think that an important part of a wedding is standing up and making a public committment in front of the community (your friends and family).



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    i only think they are rude when the bride and groom expect you to be there, regardless of what your personal financial situation may be.  and guilt trips are not cool either.  otherwise, i think every couple has the right to plan the wedding they want and folks dont have to like it - or go.  weddings are for and about the couple, not the family/friends.
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    I had this same issue, my mother in-law got really upset cause she wants her family to be able to go... (personally, my fiance isn't even close to those relatives and could care less if they come) but, a descision that my fiance and my mother(who is paying for the wedding) came up with (more like a motto) is if your family (and friends) REALLY want to be there, they will find a way to be there.
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    Not rude, but you can't be upset at all if people don't come, even your very close friends. some people just flat out cannot afford it.
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    edited February 2010
    It is only rude if you are going to have a cow if nobody is able or willing to come. If you are genuinely okay with being just the two of you that day and anyone who actually gets there to celebrate with you is just gravy, then go for it. But to essentially spend other people's money for them is absolutely rude regardless whether it is a wedding or anything else. Be okay with who is able (or even just willing...saying someone has plenty of money so SHOULD be there is just as wrong) to get there and enjoy your day.
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    I think it's all in the execution.   We have DWs down here all the time.  There are some couples who really treat their guests well.   Not only having the reception, but also picking up maybe a cocktail welcome party, many a brunch after or say an activity of golfing or sailing, etc.

      We have other couples who are pretty cheap (IMO). They will have something like a cash bar or do not even provide one full meal.   Personally if you are asking your family and friends to take time off of work, spend money on flights, rooms, expensive meals (lets face it, your guests have to eat out for all their meals which can get expenisive) then at the very least provide them with at least one meal with drinks.


    Personally I do not get AHR.  I know a lot knotties have them and while i'm not offended I just do not get them.  It's not normally cheaper because the reception is the most expensive part of the day anyway.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    I am getting married in Jamaica, so I might be biased, but I really don't think it's "rude."  It's your day, and if it's what you really want, your family and friends will understand.  We invited only our immediate family and one best friend.  We (hopefully) avoided upsetting aunts, uncles, cousins, and other friends by having a nice reception when we return home (4 days after the ceremony).  We will display pictures from our ceremony, I will wear my wedding dress, and it will be just as formal as it would if we had gotten married here.
    Your wedding day is something that YOU get to orchestrate.  Everyone else can plan THEIR weddings the way THEY think is "appropriate."
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    Mine is a true DW wedding to Yosemite. It's very remote. We ended up there because of our budget (state parks are totally cheap to get married in.) And it's only about 4 hours out from where we live. I was afraid nobody would come, but actually, most people when i told them would squeal loudly, and get really really excited, and then immediately want to start planning their vacation. So no, it's not rude. It will cut out the people that are just "coming for the food" so to speak, and leave you with only the people who truly love you enough to sacrifice the time and money. BTW, we are giving free lodging to our guests, even with a teeny tiny budget. We rented a huge house and are letting guests stay for free, and using it for our reception to save ourselves and our guests money. So aside from airfare (which they would need anyway,) we are making sure EVERYONE can afford to come if they want :) Nothing rude about that!!
    We're just two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl, year after year
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    I think one of the dumbest things to state on these boards is,  "It's your day and if it's what you really want, your family and friends will understand."

    That's an extremely loaded statement to justify doing something inconvenient and/or inappropriate.
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    I would personally not feel comfortable asking my guests to shell out for a destination wedding. I do not inherently believe that they are rude, BUT I have had a few friends who wanted destination weddings and were then VERY angry when people were not able to attend and I don't think that's fair. People have very different financial situations, and obligations due to work and family and have different levels of choice in the time they get off from work, so as long as you accept that people may not be able to come, I think it's fine.
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    I think it is rude to your immediate family.  I know a lot of people in my family circle don't like the idea, simply because most people have a set amount of vacation from work (and finances), and don't like being told when and where to take their vacation. 
    You can say people don't feel obligated... but your immediate family will feel obligated. 
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