Wedding Etiquette Forum

how to? long

Some of you might remember my post about my friend (and BM) whose husband died suddenly at age 30.  She is doing much better.  I want to do everything to make her life as easy as possible right now though and this is one of those weird issues...

I'm soon going to be sending out invitations to my wedding and am trying to figure out what to do with her.  2 issues.

1) Obviously the STD was to her and her husband Mr. and Mrs. H
She has somewhat gone back to her maiden name.  (They were only married 5 mo and she knows she'll have to do it eventually and she never got some things changed over but she's still kept it in some cases).  Question is: do I address Ms Married Name or Ms Single Name?

2) Do I give her a guest?  Her parents are invited.  She will literally know 75% of the people there (out of about 250) and many of them are single.  I asked her last weekend if she wanted to bring someone (her best friend isn't invited to the wedding but if I were having 50 more people she would be so i thought maybe she might want her there).  She got very emotional (it will be her first event w/o her husband) so we talked more about that and I never really got an answer.

help!

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Re: how to? long

  • I would ask her how she wants to be addressed.  I would also give her a plus one, she could decide not to bring someone if she likes. 
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  • I would ask her how she prefers to be addressed. 

    I would not put "and guest" on the invitation, because I feel like it would be really upsetting (or more upsetting) to see "Ms. Jane Doe and guest" when it should have been "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" had her husband still been alive.  I would definitely still offer her a plus one, and maybe suggest her best friend, if she wanted, but I wouldn't put it on the invitation. 
  • Ditto PP.  Call her and ask how she would like to be addressed.  And please do give her a +1.  She can decide herself whether or not she wants to come alone.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_long-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:420fe7b0-2da6-43b0-b744-02d4863f9560Post:414e0491-2db7-4268-a45b-f33da9fa4d0e">Re: how to? long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would ask her how she prefers to be addressed.  I would not put "and guest" on the invitation, <strong>because I feel like it would be really upsetting (or more upsetting) to see "Ms. Jane Doe and guest" when it should have been "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" had her husband still been alive.</strong>  I would definitely still offer her a plus one, and maybe suggest her best friend, if she wanted, but I wouldn't put it on the invitation. 
    Posted by jessicabessica[/QUOTE]

    this is exactly why i'm stressed about this.  i know etiquette-wise it's simple but i hate for something little to give her even more heart hurt
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_long-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:420fe7b0-2da6-43b0-b744-02d4863f9560Post:7ec766cd-26df-4612-b6d5-1386a8254df3">Re: how to? long</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: how to? long : this is exactly why i'm stressed about this.  i know etiquette-wise it's simple but i hate for something little to give her even more heart hurt
    Posted by slwager[/QUOTE]

    To me, it seems like you already asked her about it, and she's understandably upset about thinking about being "single" again when she was supposed to be married to the love of her life for the rest of her life, or at least way more than 5 months.  I wouldn't want her to have that same reaction she had when you talked about it when she gets your invite alone in her house. 
  • I had a similar situation with my cousin who lost her 33-year-old husband last fall. I asked my aunt for advice on how she would prefer to be addressed and although I didn't put "and guest" (for the same reason you mentioned) I let my aunt know that she was welcome to bring a friend if she wanted to. My aunt and my cousin are very close so I knew she would be the best source and that she would pass on the information about bringing a guest if she thought my cousin would want to.
    I also sent a handwritten note the same day I sent our invitations, telling my cousin how much I love her and think of her and to let me know if we can do anything to make sure she has a wonderful time.
    My aunt told me how much my cousin appreciated it.
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  • thanks ladies.  think i'll ask her how to address it and just let her know she has a plus one.
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  • First of all you sound like a great friend!

    I would ask her how she would like to be addressed, but as some of the other ladies have already said I would skip the plus one. I think it would be rubbing salt in a fresh wound. If her parents are there and she knows a lot of the other guests then it sounds like she'll have all the support she needs.

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    Anniversary
  • If she is as close of a friend as it sounds, I'd talk to her about it.  For the name, I personally think it'd be best to use her husbands last name since everything is so recent.  While they weren't married long, I think it'd almost be ignorant not to use that name?  I'd feel like people were pretending my husband didn't just pass away.  Ask her though--that would probably be the most thoughtful way to go about it.  Also I would maybe let her know verbally before invites go out that she's welcome to bring a guest but not include it on the invitation.  As long as she knows you're trying to do the right thing she won't be offended.
    Anniversary
  • Avion22Avion22 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    I lost my husband at 27.

    1.  Until she goes back to her maiden name, use her married name.  That's the name she chose to use when she was married.  And still, she may decide to keep it (at least for a while), so using her maiden name might make her feel like her husband never existed.

    2.  I would definitely let her bring a guest if she wants.  Talk with her about this though.  If she knows a lot of people, and she's going to be a BM, she may feel like she'll be okay.  But it would be nice of you to give her the option of having her best friend there.

    It's wonderful that you're being so understanding.  Honestly the best advice I can give you is just to be caring (which you are), and try to treat her like you always have.  I hated people walking around on eggshells, trying so hard to avoid doing the wrong thing that they just avoided me alltogehter.   You'll have to read her signals though, and just continue to be there for her. 

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  • Thanks as always.  It's very tough and she's just a wonderful wonderful girl.  I'm just trying so hard not to cause her fresh pain.

    avion-she is also 27.  it's so surreal to know she's a widow already.  i'm sure you relate and i'm so sorry for what must have been a shattering time.
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  • How very sad!!  And you are a good friend for thinking so hard about it.

    One other idea would be to simply address it to "Jane" and personally deliver the invitation to her.  That way she isn't alone when she gets it, it is an excuse to see her and spend time with her and maybe take a little sting out of it all.  Then you can reiterate that she is welcome to bring a guest along.

    I'm so sorry to hear about her loss.
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