Fiance reluctant to go to friend's wedding

curiousgeorgette

My friend is getting married across the country (about a 4 hour flight from us).  I'd like to go with my fiance and have offered to pay for his plane ticket, but he's not excited about losing his whole weekend for a friend he has only met once -- especially because we would have to take seperate flights due to our work schedules.

I'm a little hurt that he's so reluctant to go and seems to see the wedding as a burden on him.  I'd love for him spend some time with this group of friends, who don't know him well.  I'd also like for him to spend some time with my family (the wedding is in my hometown), since he has also only met them once (and we are getting married, after all).  Beyond that, I'd just like him to be there with me!

Am I being ridiculous to be upset about this?  He hasn't outright said no, but he's also clearly not happy about "giving up" his weekend.  I've offered to fly him in either Friday night after work or Saturday morning before the wedding, so he wouldn't have to miss work, and he doesn't have anything specifically that he would be missing out on.  He just think it sounds like a pain in the butt and maybe not worth it.

I'm hurt because I've "given up" my weekend to go to his friend's wedding (though to be fair it was within driving distance), and because we drive 6 hours every couple of months to visit his family and I'm happy to do it.  I don't want to lord that over him or play the martyr, though, and I'm not sure if I'm being totally silly or self-centered.  Please let me know if I am!  Thank you!

LeiselEB

I would be upset, too, I think. I think it's weird that his concern is giving up his weekend - that's just a strange reason not to go to a wedding. I do understand why he'd be hesitant about flying out there himself. 

Does he know how upset this makes you? Maybe he just doesn't see it as a big deal. I would let him know you're upset and that it would mean a lot to you if he were there. Beyond that, I don't really have any advice. Hope it works out

DramaGeek

Have you told him these things?

I'm a little hurt that he's so reluctant to go and seems to see the wedding as a burden on him.  I'd love for him spend some time with this group of friends, who don't know him well.  I'd also like for him to spend some time with my family (the wedding is in my hometown), since he has also only met them once (and we are getting married, after all).  Beyond that, I'd just like him to be there with me!

Also, have you acknowledged that he doesn't want to go?  I know sometimes with my H, I just need to say "I know you really don't want to go, but it would mean a lot to me if you would go."

Is there any possibility he's embarassed about you paying for his ticket?

curiousgeorgette

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-reluctant-to-go-to-friends-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:42530b50-e0cb-4197-9354-fdec45774d2dPost:4e2bc179-11a0-4313-9c9f-3c8f0fd87aa9">Re: Fiance reluctant to go to friend's wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I would be upset, too, I think. I think it's weird that his concern is giving up his weekend - that's just a strange reason not to go to a wedding. I do understand why he'd be hesitant about flying out there himself.  Does he know how upset this makes you? Maybe he just doesn't see it as a big deal. I would let him know you're upset and that it would mean a lot to you if he were there. Beyond that, I don't really have any advice. Hope it works out :)
Posted by LeiselEB[/QUOTE]

<div>He knows.  He thinks I'm being unfair because he hasn't actually said no -- he just wanted to point out the downsides of going, and that he really wouldn't get to spend that much time with me.  It would be different if I could fly with him (after all, with the 4 hour flight plus the time getting to and from the airport, it will be about 12 hours of him traveling by himself in a short period of time).  I get that -- it just upsets me that his first impulse is to point out all the ways that this would inconvenience him, without seeming to consider the positives.  But I've been too quick to expect the worst of him in the past and I don't want to do that now -- that's why I need an outside opinion!</div>

HandBanana

What kind of job does he work? Does he get one weekend off every month or so? When you talk to him about it, don't bring up the time you have given up weekends for his friend's wedding. Focus on this time, being hurt, and what it would mean to you.

HandBanana

In Response to Re:Fiance reluctant to go to friend's wedding:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance reluctant to go to friend's wedding:I would be upset, too, I think. I think it's weird that his concern is giving up his weekend that's just a strange reason not to go to a wedding. I do understand why he'd be hesitant about flying out there himself.nbsp; Does he know how upset this makes you? Maybe he just doesn't see it as a big deal. I would let him know you're upset and that it would mean a lot to you if he were there. Beyond that, I don't really have any advice. Hope it works out :Posted by LeiselEBHe knows. nbsp;He thinks I'm being unfair because he hasn't actually said no he just wanted to point out the downsides of going, and that he really wouldn't get to spend that much time with me. nbsp;It would be different if I could fly with him after all, with the 4 hour flight plus the time getting to and from the airport, it will be about 12 hours of him traveling by himself in a short period of time. nbsp;I get that it just upsets me that his first impulse is to point out all the ways that this would inconvenience him, without seeming to consider the positives. nbsp;But I've been too quick to expect the worst of him in the past and I don't want to do that now that's why I need an outside opinion! Posted by curiousgeorgette[/QUOTE]

Are you in the WP? Then I feel a bit of sympathy for him.

HockeyFan4

I understand he is flying out later because of work, can you delay and just fly out with him?

jessss21

Sometimes when my FI is being especially stubborn, we do a little bargaining.  I'll say something like I know you don't want to go, but it's important to me, so how about you go and then I'll do ____ for you to say thank you.  ____ is usually something I have been being stubborn on.  

curiousgeorgette

Oops, I should have mentioned that!  I am in the wedding party -- that is why I am taking off early to fly up (and why he can't without taking off work).  So yes, that will give us less time together.  However, we will be staying with my parents, so I would not be abandoning him on his own completely.

Thank you all for your comments!  I guess I was just taken aback when I offered to pay for the plane ticket and he was still down on the idea -- I thought it showed how important it was to me for him to be there by offering to pay for the ticket.  And then when he came up with a list of reasons that he still didn't want to go (all revolving around what a hassle it would be for him), I felt like he was being selfish and not appreciating the times I've traveled for him and his family.  But I think I was probably being a bit unfair because it IS a long ways and a lot of travel . . . 

DramaGeek

Well, let's face it - a cross country trip (with a 2 hour drive from the airport to the wedding?) IS a huge hassle, and I can't say that I blame him for not wanting to do this for people he's never met.

Summer2011Bride

Ditto Stage. I can understand wanting him there completely, but I do think you need to see it from his perspective too. Heck, if I go to an in-town wedding where I know no one except H and the B&G and he is in the WP, I get bored! I can't imagine traveling 6+ hours for it, especially if he thinks it might be awkward with your family not knowing them well.

I agree that it's best to plan another trip to your hometown so FI can meet and get to know your friends and family in a different setting when you are also there.

NicoleSahara

I think the biggest issue is he probably feels like he doesn't get to be there WITH you, since you're in the WP. I've been to a wedding H was in and there was only one person I knew aside from that. It would have really sucked if my other friend wasn't there (especially since the WP was all at a head table so I couldn't even sit with H at the reception).

Also, my H sees the wedding we're going to tomorrow as a burden, and we only have to drive an hour and a half to get to it (I really don't think he'd go if it were the situation your FI is in). It's kind of a bummer that he has to be such a whiner about it, but from his side, he doesn't know the girl that well, he doesn't care about weddings, and he doesn't see the point in going(I meant this about my situation, but maybe it applies to yours too). Maybe if you tell your FI how grateful you are if he even comes he'll get a little better attitude about it instead of focusing on his (understandably) non-excitement for this wedding. Good luck!

curiousgeorgette

Thank you all for the help!  I think you're right, it is asking a lot and we'll both probably be happier if I don't drag him all the way up there.  And I do appreciate that he is even considering it given what a pain it would be to get to.  Thanks for giving me a little perspective!

mcskatcat

Someone else sort-of touched on it, but also have you expressed your appreciation that he's even going?  I have certainly gotten mad at DH for that before, when he just expects me to go to something and never really thanks me when it's usually more of a chore for me and more fun for him.  For example, for a lot of family things we go to, I have to make food to bring with us (to be gracious guests and all) and I often times have to call of work or get out of something, so I will get mad if he hasn't said "hey, thanks I appreciate it" than necessarily his expectation that I go.  

curiousgeorgette

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-reluctant-to-go-to-friends-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:42530b50-e0cb-4197-9354-fdec45774d2dPost:a5cbeea7-09ee-4f67-b89c-53b99a131f2b">Re: Fiance reluctant to go to friend's wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Someone else sort-of touched on it, but also have you expressed your appreciation that he's even going?  I have certainly gotten mad at DH for that before, when he just expects me to go to something and never really thanks me when it's usually more of a chore for me and more fun for him.  For example, for a lot of family things we go to, I have to make food to bring with us (to be gracious guests and all) and I often times have to call of work or get out of something, so I will get mad if he hasn't said "hey, thanks I appreciate it" than necessarily his expectation that I go.  
Posted by mcskatcat[/QUOTE]

<div>I did say that I realized what a big hassle it was, but I don't think I did a good enough job of expressing my appreciation that he was even considering it.  I also think I felt offended because I've driven to see his family and go to his friend's wedding where he was in the wedding party and I knew nobody (on a weekend that was not convenient for me) and felt like he should reciprocate -- but that isn't necessarily fair, because the situations are different.  I also think I expected HIM to express appreciation for ME since I was offering to pay for his ticket, and was a little offended when instead he just pointed out all the reasons it would be a pain for him to go.  I was also a bit upset because my friends want to spend more time with him, and it bothered me that he didn't really seem to feel the same way -- but it's really the situation more than anything.</div><div>
</div><div>Anyway, I'll be sure to let him know how much I appreciate that he's even considering it, and I won't be hurt or offended if he decides not to go!  I'll just go and have a good time with my old friends on my own :)</div><div>
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tkddddddddd

I'm always reluctant to give up my weekends. I work hard all week (ALL week, not playing Words With Friends on Facebook or anything...) and I want my weekends to be mine - not obliged somewhere or stressful with travel. I was a bridesmaid last weekend and the amount of dread I had due to giving up my Saturday was really stressful - even though I absolutely ADORE that friend and was so happy she was getting married. Some people are just more homebodys than others and big events like that (especially having to put a show on to getto know people) can feel awfully similiar to work. A tip for the future - stop keeping tabs. Stop looking at it like "I did this so you should do this." It isn't tit-for-tat - it's going to be a marriage. Have you told him how important this is to you and how much you understand how can this be stressful for him but you'd really appreciate if he'd come? Acknowledge his side and is effort and it makes a big difference with guys.

runpipparun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-reluctant-to-go-to-friends-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:42530b50-e0cb-4197-9354-fdec45774d2dPost:5824f8cf-25a8-4bf5-90d5-96a9e14295ec">Re:Fiance reluctant to go to friend's wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]If it were just a trip to visit your family, I'd be with you 100 percent. But honestly, if you're in the wedding party, I totally understand why he doesn't want to travel 6 hours to hang out for the weekend, especially if he doesn't know your family well. He's probably viewing it that you'll be busy with wedding stuff all day saturday, so he'll be stuck hanging out alone with people he barely knows except for at the reception. That would be bad enough, but if some of those people are your family, it would be extra awkward. Honestly, I'd let it go and plan another trip to your hometown where he can get to know your friends and family WITH you. And I say that having recently been the wife no one had met at a wedding for DH's close friends where he was in the WP. The only people I knew were DH and the bride and groom, and since they were all busy, I kept ending up sitting with strangers listening to stories about DH from 15 years ago. It was NOT fun, and I didn't even have to travel alone for it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>Yep.</div>

SpanishMandi

BF and I recently had this discussion.  My BFF is getting married and I'm in the WP.  He's met her and her FI, and everybody gets along.  So when her wedding invitation came, it included him.  Like you, I really wanted him there.  We talked about it, and he said he'd think about it.

Later, I realized just how few people he'd know.  Of the three of us he's met, two are getting married and the other one is in the WP, so I'd be busy all day Friday and Saturday.  Add in that I have to be there a few days early for a shower/bachelorette, and the man would be driving five hours to another state by himself.  Um, no fun.  At all.

Am I sad he's not coming? A bit.  I'd love for him to meet more of my friends, because this is definitely a man who will be around for a while.  However, I know that if the situation were reversed, I wouldn't be all that thrilled about going.  It just would not be fun.  We're both introverts, so the situation of being thrust into a big party where I knew next to no one would be challenging to say the least.  

Just realize that his reluctance has nothing to do with you.  Yes, it's always hard to hear hesitation when you think you're doing something nice for someone, but do try to see it from his point of view.  It'd be different if you were both guests, but as it is, this doesn't sound like it would be fun for him.  Try to see that.

Also, I agree with PP about not keeping tabs.  There are no scorecards in a marriage.  If it's done right, it all evens out in the end.  

ladyomnipotent

I went to a friend's wedding in New York, which was a 4 hour bus ride away, and my fiance complained a bit about the same things.  However, once we went, he had fun the whole time and was glad he had attended.

I bet your fiance will end up the same way if he hasn't refused to go and is just griping a little.

mizutamababy

If it were my DH he would be bothered to give up his weekend and would not go.  (Has happened in the past.)  It's never really bothered me because I understand how sometimes giving up your weekend is the last thing you want to do, and hey saves us money if only I attend.  You paying for him or not, it's still a really inconvenient situation for him.

I agree with PPs you should make a fun plan of it later.