division of bridal expenses between divorced parents

still mob

I need advice my x has an mid to high 6 figure income and according to public record millions. My husband lost his job and has been out of work for 5 months we have just gone into 6 figures a few time. We will not hit that this year  and no new job yet. My x wants us to put in 1/2 the expenses this should be an 80k wedding.  He has always been generous with the kids so they expect a very nice wedding.
What should we say to him?

AdeleDazeem

Who understands this?

EDIT: Oh!  You are the mother of the bride.  I was seriously confused there.  If you can't afford half, you can't afford half.  You are under no obligation to pay for your child's wedding.  Put in what you can or don't offer to help.  Kids show know by now that parents are no ATMs.

Bethanne1202

No

Brandiewine11

You need to let your son/daughter know how much you are able to contribute and they need to stay within that budget. I don't think its up to your ex how much you should contribute. Its up to the B&G to stay within the budge set for them if others are contributing. Just be honest. It's very generous of you to offer so they should be happy with what they get.

SarahPLiz

Your children should pay for their own wedding. If you want to contribute, that's great, but do it based on what you want to give and can afford, not what you think your ex should contribute. Your ex can contribute whatever he decides he can afford, if anything. Your child can take those contributions and plan the wedding using that as the budget. They can pay for any extras themselves. If the wedding budget has already been set at 80k, then whoever promised that money should come through with it, or let the bride and groom know they can't so they can adjust the budget. Your ex's contribution is none of your business.

jelybeancg

I agree with PPs. My parents are not married and my dad makes A LOT of money. My mom is disabled and cannot work. But not for one second did I think he should pay for the entire wedding just because he could many times over. He has made my sister & I accustomed to very nice things but again that did not affect what any one "thought he should contribute". He offered to pay for the reception which is very generous, my mom insisted on buying my dress, FI's parents right off the bat said they intend to not put out one dime and FI & I are on the hook for the rest.

No one told any other party what they would be obligated to pay for because really the only one obligated to pay for anything would be FI & I.

You should offer to pay for a service or a specific amount if that is what you wish to do and your child should accept it with grace and no one should have anything to say about what any other party contributes.

achiduck

You're under no obligation to pay for exactly half, or any of your daughters wedding for that matter. If you are able to contribute, I'd tell her that you'll give her $X for the wedding. If your ex-husband contributes then that's great, but he's not obligated either. If your daughter is adult enough to get married then she is adult enough to pay for it. 

still mob

ONG you'all are so helpful!
Daughter has figured out it will be about 60 to 80k for the wedding :
x knows mob (me and step) are not as flush as he. you all have and please continue to offer advice.  the NO. was the best. I appriciate everyones help please continue the advice. I am sorry to everyone I have confused I am not a very good communicator in writing. keep the advice coming I need it!!

mob2689

AStill MOB,  don't wory you aren't the only one that needs it   I was in "back in the day" mode when I started asking questions. I'm not quite up to par but they all shot me up where I am nnow with the times. It has been a very interesting ride I must admit. lol

lyndausvi

My parents are still married. They also make a lot of money. They even paid for my wedding. Yet never once did I tell them the expected budget. They told me. Actually no they didn't. Together we planned the wedding but I never actually knew the final budget. They just told me line by line what they were comfortable paying.

ootmother2

My exH and I paid for our daughter's wedding totally with the exception of the rings and the HM.

We discussed the finances before the wedding and we agreed to split it 50/50. We were both working and could afford it.

I would discuss this with your exH before letting your daughter tell you that she needs an $80,000 wedding. 

achiduck

I agree with OOT, $80K is a LOT for a wedding. Why does she need such an extravagant wedding? If you and your ex are going to cover the cost, you should be telling her the amount of money she's getting and then she should work within it or fork over the rest herself.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_division-of-bridal-expenses-between-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:428a7161-79e0-4416-af76-fcb4e69da558Post:46f79925-a097-4016-b8ce-c014fa02ab93">Re: division of bridal expenses between divorced parents</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with OOT, $80K is a LOT for a wedding. Why does she need such an extravagant wedding? If you and your ex are going to cover the cost, you should be telling her the amount of money she's getting and then she should work within it or fork over the rest herself.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

I didn't say that $80,000 was extravagant, I said that it's extravagant for the circumstances.  I do know how expensive weddings in Connecticut can be.

Irishcurls

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_division-of-bridal-expenses-between-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:428a7161-79e0-4416-af76-fcb4e69da558Post:5a33baea-a220-420c-b435-d10ab28691b3">Re: division of bridal expenses between divorced parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: division of bridal expenses between divorced parents : I didn't say that $80,000 was extravagant, I said that it's extravagant for the circumstances.  I do know how expensive weddings in Connecticut can be.
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]
Yeah, it's not super extravagant for CT but that doesn't mean half has to come from OP. But you do need to have a firm conversation with your daughter and ex and be honest about what you can contribute. GL!

thesequel

The only people responsible for paying for the wedding is the couple.  My parents are well-off and in no way did I expect them to pay for anything.  My parents have offered to host the brunch and my FILs have asked for the rehearsal.  This was more generous than expected.  

They offer what they could afford....not what their salaries "dictated".  

If you can afford to help pay, then wonderful.  But you are not required to pay for anything if you cannot afford it.  Don't let yourself get bullied into something that will put you into arrears.

Good luck!

polichik

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_division-of-bridal-expenses-between-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:428a7161-79e0-4416-af76-fcb4e69da558Post:1bd23773-3949-4547-8ee8-76456b7fb206">Re: division of bridal expenses between divorced parents</a>:
[QUOTE]ONG you'all are so helpful! <strong>Daughter has figured out it will be about 60 to 80k for the wedding</strong> : x knows mob (me and step) are not as flush as he. you all have and please continue to offer advice.  the NO. was the best. I appriciate everyones help please continue the advice. I am sorry to everyone I have confused I am not a very good communicator in writing. keep the advice coming I need it!!
Posted by still mob[/QUOTE]

I don't understand how she can know how much it will cost if she doesn't have a budget yet, unless her and her FI are paying for it. Children don't just go up their parents and say "Hey Mom, my wedding's going to cost $80k. I assume you'll be taking care of it?"

IF and only IF anyone offers to contribute, she should gratefully take that amount, figure out how much she and her future husband can save, and then set their budget. Budget comes first, wedding plans come second. What was her plan if neither you nor your ex-H decided to contribute?

marinabreeze

I agree with PPs.  You aren't obligated to contribute anything if you cannot or do not want to, and what you might choose to contribute is up to you and your current H, and should be between you and your DD.  Your daughter nor your ex should dictate what you are to contribute.  What you contribute is not his business and vice versa.

If your DD and her FI are planning an $80K wedding, I sure hope they can fund it themselves.  Neither you, nor your ex for that matter, owe the couple an $80K wedding.  If they're adult enough to get married, they're adult enough to pay for it.