Creative Ideas Needed

sleepyb

Allow my to preface this question by saying that throughout the wedding process, I've discovered that my FMIL is nuts. This past weekend, she left FI a voicemail saying she would be using FBIL's invitation to invite additional people but we don't need to worry about getting her a new envelope, she'll just buy a plain one. I had been super worried about this and therefore hadn't given her her invitation yet. Can't believe I didn't think about not sending FBIL's! Oh well, we had him find his invite, which she never gave him, and take it out of the house. So, now I'm insanely worried that she will be inviting additional people. What are some suggestions for making sure uninvited guests don't crash? FI and I don't know all of the people on her guest list and wouldn't know if they were invited or not. My coordinator suggested having someone by the door as guests enter the ballroom checking their escort cards. Any other thoughts?

itzMS

Who is paying for your wedding? If FMIL has given a hefty sum, she may feel a sense of entitlement to invite whomever she wants.

I agree that your FI needs to talk to his mom...but there might not be a lot of reasoning with her if she's paying for the wedding.

sleepyb

FMIL is not contributing a dime. FI is the one handling this. He has told her over and over and over again that she cannot randomly invite people. She refuses to understand. She's upset we're not doing things the "Vietnamese" way. The capacity answer won't help. She said people have told her they aren't coming, not that they've RSVPd to us, and these are their replacements. My question is more about what to do when they show up at the venue, cause I have a feeling she'll do what she wants no matter what anyone says.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_creative-ideas-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:42cedf8e-2e2a-4bfe-9cbe-f35081039eabPost:764011fd-7f6f-46ea-9318-77f1ea5ef1e6">Re: Creative Ideas Needed</a>:
[QUOTE]Who is paying for your wedding? If FMIL has given a hefty sum, she may feel a sense of entitlement to invite whomever she wants. I agree that your FI needs to talk to his mom...but there might not be a lot of reasoning with her if she's paying for the wedding.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

<div>This. What is the reason she is doing this?  Had she discussed these people with you previously and you rejected them, or did she suddenly remember someone?</div>

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_creative-ideas-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:42cedf8e-2e2a-4bfe-9cbe-f35081039eabPost:bfd29afb-9616-4667-8575-c72733638cdd">Re:Creative Ideas Needed</a>:
[QUOTE]FMIL is not contributing a dime. FI is the one handling this. He has told her over and over and over again that she cannot randomly invite people. She refuses to understand. She's upset we're not doing things<strong> the "Vietnamese" way</strong>. The capacity answer won't help. She said people have told her they aren't coming, not that they've RSVPd to us, and these are their replacements. My question is more about what to do when they show up at the venue, cause I have a feeling she'll do what she wants no matter what anyone says.
Posted by sleepyb[/QUOTE]

Oh wow. So this is a cultural miscommunication. If you're not Vietnamese it's possible you might not know that you may be coming off as rude in her culture...you definitely need to leave this to FI and he needs to be incredibly insistent.

You should also call your venue to determine if they have security to dissuade uninvited guests or how they prefer you handle this. You likely will need a doorman of some sort.

sleepyb

She was given 50 seats to fill as she saw fit. We also gave her the option of an additional 15 seats if she wanted to pay for them. She declined to use her 15 extra. And it took an entire year to get her guest list. She, finally, grudgingly gave it to us on the 3rd deadline we had given her. She wanted my parents to pay for a 500 person wedding. That's not an option for us. This is her way of trying to sneak in those extra people. I am looking for a way to make sure they don't get admitted to the reception. They are all Vietnamese and there are quite a few on the actual guest list with the same names. She refused to give me the wives names so its already going to be a cluster as people get their escort cards during cocktail hour. Other than having someone physically checking people against a list as they enter the ballroom, which is a separate space from cocktail hour, does anyone have any ideas on how to keep uninvited guests out?

sleepyb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_creative-ideas-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:42cedf8e-2e2a-4bfe-9cbe-f35081039eabPost:8269bdef-97c4-4f22-9823-074fbd782566">Re:Creative Ideas Needed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Creative Ideas Needed : Oh wow. So this is a cultural miscommunication. If you're not Vietnamese it's possible you might not know that you may be coming off as rude in her culture...you definitely need to leave this to FI and he needs to be incredibly insistent. You should also call your venue to determine if they have security to dissuade uninvited guests or how they prefer you handle this. You likely will need a doorman of some sort.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, she's using the cultural thing to manipulate the situation.  I've ensured, by talking to cousins and other family members, that I've done nothing rude or disrespectful.  She has called and fussed at me, saying that I'm disrespecting her culture by not allowing her to invite whoever and however many people she wants.  That's not cultural.</div><div>
</div><div>My FI has done his best but this woman is used to getting whatever she wants.  I've sat through hour long screaming matches in Vietnames, where I've not understood a single thing being said, where he tried repeatedly to make her understand.  It's not going to help.  She will do whatever she wants.</div><div>
</div><div>We will have security on hand, but how will they know who to let in and who to turn away?</div>

AddieCake

I don't even have any suggestions. So sorry you are dealing with this!  Yet another situation I am grateful to not having been in! Internet hugs to you!

sleepyb

Thanks Addie.  It just feels so tacky and my family is so going to be asking me what is going on.  We're also looking into having a Vietnamese interpreter there to help out my coordinator.  I'm so ready to be married.  I've been looking forward to this day for years and now I'm worried about crazy things happening.  My coordinator says I won't even know if they do because it's her job to handle it.  I'm banking on that.

itzMS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_creative-ideas-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:42cedf8e-2e2a-4bfe-9cbe-f35081039eabPost:8b1812b3-eb38-41d9-9523-4add35bce921">Re:Creative Ideas Needed</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Creative Ideas Needed : Well, she's using the cultural thing to manipulate the situation.  I've ensured, by talking to cousins and other family members, that I've done nothing rude or disrespectful.  She has called and fussed at me, saying that I'm disrespecting her culture by not allowing her to invite whoever and however many people she wants.  That's not cultural. My FI has done his best but this woman is used to getting whatever she wants.  I've sat through hour long screaming matches in Vietnames, where I've not understood a single thing being said, where he tried repeatedly to make her understand.  It's not going to help.  She will do whatever she wants. <strong>We will have security on hand, but how will they know who to let in and who to turn away?
</strong>Posted by sleepyb[/QUOTE]

The security company will have preferences to how they will handle things. Most likely, you will have to provide a list of names of guests who RSVP'd "Yes"...and the security company might do a handstamp or wristband for guests.

Good luck. I'm sorry it's so challenging at the moment.