Pre-Wedding Party Etiquette

mandi921vh

I posted this in the pre-wedding parties board but I decided to post it here too...
Ok so after having lunch with his father today FI just informed me that his paternal grandparents want to throw us a "Jack and Jill" and have a dinner/BBQ thing in their backyard a few months before our wedding for all of their friends and VERY distant family members and these guests would give us money (as said by my FFIL).
While we haven't finalized our guest list none of these distant family members or FI grandparents' friends will be invited to our wedding. 
Isn't it bad etiquette to invite people to pre-wedding parties that are not invited to the actual wedding? Upon telling FI this he said that his distant family and grandparents' friends wouldn't care and probably do not even know what wedding etiquette is.
Another thing is that FI's dad said that my whole family would be invited to this party and he and FI assumed they would all come. The thing is my parents live about 6 hours from FI's family and probably only my parents would come. FI was confused that the rest of my family wouldn't be coming to the party and I explained that it is kind of far for them to come for a BBQ with people they will see/meet a few months later. His parent's have met my extend family members and my parent's have met his, so only our extended family members will meet for the first time at the wedding.
He got upset saying that his family would be traveling 6 hrs to our wedding (which is happening where my parent's currently live, where I grew up, where FI and are moving to in about a year) and was upset that my family wouldn't make the trip to his hometown for this pre-wedding party.
I was very confused by this because I am thinking that people are more likely to travel a long distance for a wedding than a pre-wedding party regardless of where the wedding is...?
I don't know, what does everyone think about this?

redheadfsu

You are right, it is rude to invite people to pre-wedding parties that are not invited to the wedding. Why? Because it seems gift grabby.

But, I think something else is going on here. Seems like your FI & his family feel left out. Try to address those feeling to fix this. Talk to him.

brilibby4

You are correct in your thinking.  It is very rude to invite people to a wedding event but not to the wedding.  You would basically be saying they weren't important enough to you and fi to be invited to your wedding but you would like presents or money from them anyways.

I also agree that I would travel 6 hours for a close relative's wedding, but not for their bbq.

HisCB

you arent at all out of line.

the fact that you even mention that the prewedding party guests will likely bring cash gifts makes me wonder.

IF they INSIST on throwing this BBQ in your honor, they need to include in the invitation NO GIFTS. if people WANT to give gifts, they will anyway. i would also share your concern that you dont want people to feel "they weren't important enough to you and fi to be invited to your wedding but you would like presents or money from them anyways"

perhaps the invitation could include a note FROM the inlaws that they got excited about seeing the extended family before they realized that due to spacial concerns not everyone will be able to attend the wedding, so they would love to throw this bbq for everyone anyway.

i dont think this is a good idea, but thats an idea to make it slighly less terrible.

still though, NO GIFTS.

ditto, i would not drive 6 hours for a bbq  (or any pre-wedding party) but for many family/friends i would drive that  + some for a wedding.

mandi921vh

Thanks for the help I had a feeling it was bad etiquette.

The other issue is that FI said his grandparent's might not honor this and invite people that are not invited to the wedding anyways. How do we address this to his grandparents without coming off as ungrateful?

FI also said that his father wanted to include all of his and FMIL's friends at this party as well. The thing is we are only inviting a few of his parents' friends to the wedding, the ones they are closest too.

How do I deal with all of this? It does seem like FI's family feels left out but we haven't even made any wedding plans yet except the date (which is tentative) and that we would like to keep it small, under 100 people, therefore it is impossible to include all of the distant family (FI has only seen them twice) and all of FFIL and FMIL's friends. My parent's (who are paying for the majority of the wedding expenses) are only including a few of their closest friends.

I understand that my future in-laws want to have a party to honor FI and I with their friends and distant family members but how do we explain to them that it is bad etiquette without hurting their feelings?

mandi921vh

HisCB just to clear up... it was FFIL who said that people at the "Jack and Jill" party thing bring money. (Him and FMIL had one when before they got married and I guess that's what happened)

When FI said that I was confused because it sounds weird... almost like it was an engagement party and people just happened to give them money?

I have no idea.

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedding-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43819550-26f1-4056-a286-a3b58af4af58Post:33c3e773-9bf9-44f3-a1b0-7c62608fca78">Re: Pre-Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]you arent at all out of line. the fact that you even mention that the prewedding party guests will likely bring cash gifts makes me wonder. <strong>IF they INSIST on throwing this BBQ in your honor, they need to include in the invitation NO GIFTS</strong>. if people WANT to give gifts, they will anyway. i would also share your concern that you dont want people to feel "they weren't important enough to you and fi to be invited to your wedding but you would like presents or money from them anyways" perhaps the invitation could include a note FROM the inlaws that they got excited about seeing the extended family before they realized that due to spacial concerns not everyone will be able to attend the wedding, so they would love to throw this bbq for everyone anyway. i dont think this is a good idea, but thats an idea to make it slighly less terrible. still though, NO GIFTS. ditto, i would not drive 6 hours for a bbq  (or any pre-wedding party) but for many family/friends i would drive that  + some for a wedding.
Posted by HisCB[/QUOTE]

I stopped reading at the bolded line. It is rude to mention gifts at all, even if it is "no gifts."

HisCB

i dont think it is rude to request that people do not bring gifts. i have seen that on multiple gift giving event invitations, and i think it is nice. but to each their own.

and i dont think it has to be a big deal in the invitation, just small print at the bottom is fine.

brookelynpaisley

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedding-party-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43819550-26f1-4056-a286-a3b58af4af58Post:f31782bd-5cd2-4032-9bd0-c3b4703a33f4">Re: Pre-Wedding Party Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]i dont think it is rude to request that people do not bring gifts. i have seen that on multiple gift giving event invitations, and i think it is nice. but to each their own. and i dont think it has to be a big deal in the invitation, just small print at the bottom is fine.
Posted by HisCB[/QUOTE]

Just because you've seen it, doesn't make it right. Mentioning gifts is presumptuous, which is rude. People are going to give what they want, whether you mention it or not. Small print at the bottom doesn't make it less rude.

redheadfsu

OP,

Your FI needs to handle most of this since it is his family. My advice is to push for it to be just a party. Just a summer BBQ & not a wedding related party. Basically decline it but without being rude.

crcoff3997

"Isn't it bad etiquette to invite people to pre-wedding parties that are not invited to the actual wedding? Upon telling FI this he said that his distant family and grandparents' friends wouldn't care and probably do not even know what wedding etiquette is."

I'm kind of in the same boat, here, because my FI's want to throw us a party at their house for us after the wedding because my fiance is graduating from college a few weeks before we get married, so it would be a graduation/wedding party of sorts. It's kind of a tough subject, because I'm perfectly happy with inviting all their friends and family to the wedding - the more the merrier, right?

That being said, typically it's a little frowned-upon to invite people to a pre-wedding party without them being invited to the wedding. It seems like you're caught in the middle here, and that's never a pleasant position to be in. Maybe your fiance can talk to his family about it and they'll be more apt to input from him.

They always say that weddings bring out the best and the worst in people, unfortunately.

mandi921vh

The tricky part is that the purpose/intention of the party is for the distant relatives and FI's grandparents' friends to meet me, how does that type of party occur without it being considered a pre-wedding party? If there is some way there can be a BBQ/meet and greet thing without it being a pre-wedding party per se, FI said that his grandparents would still tell all of their friends and distant relatives to come with money/gifts for FI and I.

This situation is really complicated because FI doesn't really understand wedding etiquette and feels that because his family doesn't either it isn't that big of a deal.