Houseguest overstaying welcome?? NWR

emilyandjoeygetmarried

I haven't posted here much but I really needed some expert advice. I have had a houseguest since mid-feb. This woman is a close friend of the family, a bit older than my mother and in a totally bad spot where she had nowhere else to go. She kinda called me out of the blue and put me in a position where I really felt like I couldn't tell her no. It started out as just a couple of days that she was going to stay (obviously I should have known better that a couple days means "until you kick me out")

Well now its almost a month later and she's still here, not working that much and not out of my house. Her presence is starting to really just irk me, she says she will clean the house and doesn't (I don't ask her to but if you make a big deal out of saying you will and then don't, its incredibly annoying) and her being around is just generally stressing me out. 

FI and I will be married in a month and I really would like some time to just relax just him and me and have time alone in my own house but shes like ALWAYS here (in the guest room, but still HERE)

How do I have the conversation that its time for her to mosey along? Its not an easy one for me since I'm really not confrontational AT ALL and since she's closer in age to my parents than me, I really feel like she should be the adult in this situation and get the damn hint. 

I don't want to hurt her feelings but FI and I need our space now.

Cliffnotes:

houseguest has much overstayed her welcome, how do I ask her to leave without hurting her feelings?

achiduck

I would sit her down and tell her that while you haven't minded helping her out in the short term, she's stayed much longer than anticipated and with wedding getting so close your life is going to be very busy and having a house guest just isn't convenient anymore. I would also offer to help her find someplace else to stay. 

Are there any affordable housing agencies in your area that could help her?

NOLAbridealmost

This is so tough because even when you take the initiative to have the awkward "It's time to go" conversation, there's a very real chance that she will have NO WHERE to go.

Just try to get calloused and ready for the fact that kicking her out might mean she needs to go to a homeless shelter or the streets.  You DO NOT have to keep her, but get ready for the fact that she is going to pull the "I Have nowhere desirable to go" card.  Be tough. You were already incredibly kind in taking her in for this long. 

chattychiqa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_houseguest-overstaying-welcome-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43a66a6e-17da-40bc-b3d3-bc691df81e39Post:067631cd-f922-440e-8f40-3071b80ddf2c">Re: Houseguest overstaying welcome?? NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]Before you have this talk you may want to just check some legal websites or any lawyers you know about this situation. I don't want to give advice since I'm not familiar with your laws down there. But there are areas of the country where once you invite someone into your house and they are living there (even just a few nights) then it can be very difficult to get them to move out. As in <strong>they can literally go after you legally for the eviction.</strong> I'm not saying this would happen, and I would hope not considering that you've said that this is a close family friend, but you can never be too careful nowadays. I hope everything works out for you soon.
Posted by tiffad[/QUOTE]

I thought this exactly.  In CA, if someone has lived with you more than a few days, you have to legally evict them to get them out which would take forever.  I hope the laws are more forgiving in Louisiana.

You were very nice to take her in and that makes me sad, it seems you're being taken advantage of.  She's not helping around the house and making no effort to get out on her own?  I call BS.

Good luck. :( I am sorry that I don't have a better response.

Kristin789

She's not YOUR friend.  She's a friend of the family.
So go to whoever is the HEAD of the family, and have that person talk to this person.

Like a grandmother whose word is the LAW in your family,
or your mom, etc.

Cortney1982

If she is a friend of the family, why is she in YOUR house?  It irks me she has not made any effort to be a help or even put a plan together to get out on her own. I'd tell her that you and your FI have accommodated her as long as you can and she needs to be out by such and such date as you have the wedding coming up and need the personal space. 

Snippylynn

Sometimes, people just need some tough love to get them moving. Tell her she has 2 weeks to get out-- wherever she goes. Then stick to it.

dori851

I'm like you & hate confrontation & telling people no. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably have my mom talk to her since it's her friend. If that's not possible, I would bring it up to her as a question. I would ask something along the lines of, "So have you found an apartment/house yet?" Then I would let the conversation go from there & let it lead to giving her some "tough love" (as a PP said). I would be honest with her & tell her that you would like some time with FI to just relax & chill before the wedding & you'll have a lot going on in the next month.

Hopefully she'll get the hint & leave sooner rather than later! GL!

brookerich

I've been in this EXACT situation, except the friend wasn't older than my mom, although still an adult.

I stressed about it forever before I decided how to handle it.  I finally just decided to sit her down, tell her what issues I had and that while I loved her she had a certain time limit in which to find somewhere else to live (I gave her 2 weeks).  This plan acutally worked out for the best.  It seemed to get her in gear so to speak.  She ended up finding a really nice women's shelter that also gave her a job to which she still works to this day.  I'm not saying that it would work out the same for your situation and handling it is hard but it has to be handled.  My guess is she already knows that her welcome is getting a little wearing.  Just don't be ugly but tell her the truth as gently as possible while still being firm. 

It isn't an easy situation, I'll keep you in my thoughts.

nlindsay17

Do not expect her to take a hint because clearly she will not. You need to be firm and tell her that she needs to make other arrangements and be out by this date. She is taking advantage of you and will do so until you get firm with her and tell her she needs to leave.

sparent2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_houseguest-overstaying-welcome-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:43a66a6e-17da-40bc-b3d3-bc691df81e39Post:5fc5da07-ddd2-4900-943f-b94eb9148546">Re: Houseguest overstaying welcome?? NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]She's not YOUR friend.  She's a friend of the family. So go to whoever is the HEAD of the family, and have that person talk to this person. Like a grandmother whose word is the LAW in your family, or your mom, etc.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Um, what? No she is staying in OP's house. OP like Duds said you are an adult you need to just sit her down and say," Friend, the wedding will be in a few weeks and I really need you to be out by x date."

ceh789

Agree that you need to just give her a deadline.  Also agree that you need to research the legalities - some of the laws on the books are absurd.

You don't give much detail about her situation, but an adult who has no where to go makes me think you might want to enlist adult social services - get in touch with your county and find out what (if any) resources they can recommend.  If you're lucky they may have a social worker who can help her find somewhere to go so you don't end up feeling obligated.

vk2204

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_houseguest-overstaying-welcome-nwr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43a66a6e-17da-40bc-b3d3-bc691df81e39Post:18cdf34d-6332-4054-ba07-bc262b95f88c">Re: Houseguest overstaying welcome?? NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]Ohh, how I feel your pain. I know it sucks, but you have to have the sit down conversation. Tell her that with everything coming up, you just cannot accomodate a house guest any longer. Give her a deadline. Offer to help find a place. And then inquire often how the search for a house/apartment/whatever is going. FI and I just had to do this with our very best friend, and having the conversation sucked. But you know what? He finally got in gear and found a place.   Good luck! Hopefully you have your house back soon.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

I agree with Rach. You are getting married in 4 weeks. Tell her you would like her out before your wedding.

deanabuonincontri

A lot of the advice given above is great! I hate confrontation too, but what I hate even more is living in MY house that I pay for and being uncomfortable....sounds like this is the situation you and your fiance are in.

I wouldn't "confront" her in an angry way, but ask her if she has found alternate living arrangements yet.  When she says no (which will most likely be the case), let her know that with the wedding coming up, things are getting crazy for you.  Explain that you were happy to help this past month but that she needs to be out within (1 week, 2 weeks...basically whatever YOU are comfortable with). Do not let her guilt you into anything, you have been more than generous to host her.  Also, do not let her set the deadline, you set the deadline you feel good with.  Hopefully she will get her $hit together and get out by the deadline but if she doesnt, it is no longer your problem. You didnt blindside her, you set a date and she should have met it. Do not feel bad if it comes to this.

Hopefully, because she is a friend of the family the legal stuff wont come into play. It doesnt hurt to research a bit online though as others have suggested.  Also, you are the one who invited her to stay....that means you are the one that needs to tell her the invitation is over and she needs to go. you cannot pawn this off on anyone else.

Good luck!!!

polichik

I'd sit down with her and give her a deadline to move out by (maybe two weeks). Then hold firm to it.

It was a different situation, but one of my brother's old friends who he hadn't seen in 10 years showed up at my parents' doorstep a year ago. He has serious behavioral issues and some developmental disabilities, and his family had kicked him out. He was supposed to stay at my parents' house "for the weekend."

Six months later, they finally got him out, after spending literally hundreds of hours coordinating social services and housing for him. It was a huge emotional and financial strain on my family, but I think they did the right thing because this guy couldn't survive on his own. This does not appear to be the case for the family friend, and she needs to take responsibility for herself and move on.

Mrs. Chapiko

What is her situation?  Why did she have nowhere to go?  Is this the first time she's had this sort of problem or is it chronic?

I ask because my answer depends somewhat on her history and circumstances.  If she's really in a bind with nowhere to go because she's just hit hard times, I'd try to help her find another place to stay - if she's a friend of the family, call other family members and ask if they can take her in for awhile - you've done your part and your wedding is coming up.

If she has a history of being irreponsible and depending on others to take care of her, then she's just using you.  Go to her and just tell her plainly that while you've been happy to help her out, she'll need to find alternate living arrangements by such and such date.  Don't apologize or act guilty.   

Be prepared for tears and excuses or some variationof "I'll try."  Stay strong, don't accept vague promises or give in and just tell her that while you will do what you can to help her find another place, you just can't offer her indefinite accommodations.  That you're getting married and you and your new husband need your privacy.

Don't let her draw you into a debate or into offering up excuses or allow her to make it your responsibility to take care of her.  It doesn't matter what your reasons are - she needs to go and that's what you need to stay focused on.  Repeat, "I'm so sorry, but its just not possible for you to continue to stay here." to whatever she says.

Good luck and let us know what happens.