Inviting Family I don't talk to.

Knottie_22382644

So my fiancé and I come from large families. We have a large group of friends who are very important to us. My dilemma is I have second cousins that I see at weddings and funerals and occasionally at the not so annual family reunions. I don't think I should have to invite them. We barely talk at those occasions and a lot of them have children. I'm making my age limit 21+ so that weeds out a few. I would much rather invite my friends that are present and support me daily than invite my second/ third cousins that I barely see or speak to.
Is it rude?

Summer2011Bride

Are you paying for the wedding? If so, you have total control of the guest list and shouldn't feel obligated to invite them or anyone you don't want there.

If a parent is helping to pay for the wedding, then they do get some say in things like guest list, so this would have to be a discussion with them.

AddieCake

We only invited people who are in our lives on a regular basis, regardless of where they fall on our family trees. Not everyone's family dynamic works that way, though, so it is a question of whether or not it will cause you drama down the road.

alizabee84

I have been agonizing over this all evening. We are having a small wedding, and my family is huge and I have a large group of friends. Is there something that you should send people that you don't see all the time who you are not inviting, like an announcement, or something? I expect everyone understands that most people have a strict budget and want to invite their nearest and dearest, but I don't know if my relatives fall into that category.

lilphillips14

Heck, I'm inviting my sorority sisters over some of my dad's brothers and siblings (with my dad's full blessing and understanding). So I think you should invite who you want, especially if you're hosting your own wedding.

alizabee84

Ahh, this thread is making me feel better. Thank you ladies. And congratulations!

StephJean83

As PP's have said, only you know how your family dynamics work and if you can get away with not inviting them. My FH's family is huge and every relative on his mom's side has to be invited. His aunts/uncles, cousins, cousins' kids, mom's cousins and their kids. His dad's side is a little less rigid about not having to invite everyone. My family I am inviting a few aunts/uncles and cousins on my mom's side and no one from my dad's side.

Knottie_22382644

I got engaged on Sunday.. can you tell I'm already planning! haha It wont be for three years but I don't see why I cant start now, and my guest list will most likely change from now till then. We are throwing a big back yard meet and greet to introduce all our family and friends. I would like to invite every single person we know... but not all of those people will be invited to the wedding. So can that be my big announcement like alizabee84 said? Or again I don't want to be rude and invite them now and not later. But I want  our families to mesh and at least meet once!

p.s. Its an engagement party but I will make it clear there will be no gifts.

StephJean83

Any prewedding parties, engagement parties, showers, bach parties, are for people who are also invited to the wedding. You can have a backyard party and invite whoever but don't associate it with the wedding, ie, an engagement party.

kmmssg

Ditto the others KateandDan.  Please, slow your roll here.  I understand you are really excited right now but anyone who is invited to your e party MUST be invited to your wedding.

Also - the BIGGEST mistake you could make right now is to ask people to be in your bridal party.  I will guarantee your relationships with some of these people will be vastly different in 3 years and then you will join the other brides on the Wedding Party board or the Moms and Maids board who are complaining about asking someone to be in their wedding but they are no longer close.  Holy run on sentence.

STARMOON44

Here's a reason why you shouldn't start planning 3 years in advance- you can't invite people to pre-wedding parties and not to the wedding!  

Daizy106

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-family-i-dont-talk-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:440bccac-d7cd-4954-96ba-e5e0593d4c24Post:2d6f9021-f4d0-4165-bd90-0c6cc08f0299">Inviting Family I don't talk to.</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fiancé and I come from large families. We have a large group of friends who are very important to us. My dilemma is I have second cousins that I see at weddings and funerals and occasionally at the not so annual family reunions. I don't think I should have to invite them. We barely talk at those occasions and a lot of them have children. I'm making my age limit 21+ so that weeds out a few. I would much rather invite my friends that are present and support me daily than invite my second/ third cousins that I barely see or speak to. Is it rude?
Posted by KateandDan29[/QUOTE]

You don't have to invite anyone you don't want to. its YOUR wedding. I had the same dilemma as you and on top of that those distant cousins/aunts/uncles were disrespectful towards my mother in the past so i had no problem not putting them on the guest list. Don't invite people that you don't care if they share in your happiness. invite people (like your friends that are important to you) because those are the people that care about your happiness. You can pick your friends but you can't pick your familiy unfortunately. You are not rude at all. Its your day. And if one of those second cousins say something just say "we had a small wedding for our immediate family and our close friends". Not that you EVER need to explain yourself to anyone, but if that should come up, you should say something across those lines. Goodluck and congrats

StephJean83

In Response to Re:Inviting Family I don't talk to.:You don't have to invite anyone you don't want to. its YOUR wedding. Posted by Daizy106[/QUOTE] Although I agree with you that it is the bride's wedding, it is also the groom's wedding. Not to mention whoever pays has a say, so if the POB give them money towards her dress or some part of the wedding, they should get a say in the wedding.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-family-i-dont-talk-to?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:440bccac-d7cd-4954-96ba-e5e0593d4c24Post:dff77047-0672-4a18-aa87-d08b8fc77b92">Re: Inviting Family I don't talk to.</a>:
[QUOTE]I got engaged on Sunday.. can you tell I'm already planning! haha It wont be for three years but I don't see why I cant start now, and my guest list will most likely change from now till then. We are throwing a big back yard meet and greet to introduce all our family and friends. I would like to invite every single person we know... but not all of those people will be invited to the wedding. So can that be my big announcement like alizabee84 said? Or again I don't want to be rude and invite them now and not later. But I want  our families to mesh and at least meet once! p.s. Its an engagement party but I will make it clear there will be no gifts.
Posted by KateandDan29[/QUOTE]

<div>You should not be throwing your own engagement party, and you cannot invite people to any wedding-related event or party who are not also invited to the wedding. </div>

winelover123

Don't make your party an engagement party - it can be a "meet our family and friends" back yard bbq party though. Don't put the word "engagement" anywhere on an invitation. As long as it doesn't have anything to do with your wedding or engagment, you can throw a party and invite whomever you'd like. For the original question, it depends on who's paying. For example, my parents are paying for half of our wedding so I have to invite some of my dad's more distant relatives. We cut it off at second cousins - not their kids - because if we invited their kids (adult kids actually - so them and their SO's and their kdis) it would not be a dinner reception. And both my dad and my FI wanted a dinner reception.